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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do??

293 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:58

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

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Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 18:24

We are currently not speaking and he said good luck with the job.

Would it be bad to dump by text Wink.

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TheOriginalFAB · 10/07/2011 18:29

He is being PA. I think.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 18:30

IMO, you need to be able to be happy on your own before you can enter into a truly equal relationship, anyway. If one or both of you are relying on the other, there is always going to be a power imbalance, even if the initial need for support goes away. I'm not saying you should never rely on a partner for support, but just not to let that be the basis of your relationship, if that makes sense.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 18:30

Of course you can be happy without him. I mean, it doesn't sound like right now you are all that happy being with him! The fact that you want to go out but it would lead to a 'week of hell' is evidence of that. That is so, so wrong and you should not have to put up with that.

Hissy is right, we have all been there. I have an ex I was so in love with, when we broke up I just wanted to die. Now I can barely remember his last name! I have a lovely DH now who is the love of my life, I never would have met him if I had stayed with my crazy ex.

I think you should go out tonight and have fun. If he gives you a hard time for it, tell him you will speak with him again when he's gotten over himself but you are not going to be criticised for doing something perfectly reasonable like going out and having a good time. That's what life is all about!

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 18:32

ah x-post

If he's going to act like this then no, I don't see anything wrong with dumping by text Smile

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 18:34

I'd usually say yes it's bad to dump by text, but in this case, god no! As long as you have the resolve to stick to it. Cutting all contact is a good way. And be aware as soon as you dump him he's going to do one of two things - either attempt to make you feel guilty by going on and on about how you've ruined his life, and cry, and make suicide threats, or he's going to suddenly turn around and promise to be "better", make vague statements which he doesn't really mean about how he will change, do "anything", he'll turn up with fancy gifts, he'll post heartfelt apologies on your public facebook wall, etc etc.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 18:35

And if you really have decided to break up with him, watch :)

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 18:38

Yep been there BertieBotts. Finished with him before and he done most of those things but i was to weak to stick to it,yep i'm pathetic i know.

Now to figure out what to put in text and make sure im not going to weaken.

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dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 18:48

You are not pathetic! These things are hard. You just have to stay strong. You can do it! Think of the last time as a practice test and learn from it.

The best way to make it stick is to cut off all contact, block his number, his email, make it clear you don't want to communicate with him. Take that new job, go out with friends, build up a new life without him.

It will be hard sometimes but it will be so worth it in the end.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 18:53

He said he's not seeing me cause he has to be up early for work and now he says he is going to give up his job Confused.

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BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 18:54

Don't send the text until you're sure you can stick to it, is my advice. Do you have any RL friends and family you could speak to to support you? Would it be feasible to turn your phone off for a few days after you've texted him? Ideally could you even go and stay with someone for a few days?

It's not pathetic that you couldn't stick to it before, these techniques work, otherwise they wouldn't use them, would they? Wink The difference is if you are prepared, have support and know how to deal with them, you will be fine. You CAN do it.

Sausagesarenottheonlyfruit · 10/07/2011 18:54

Wow what a needy git

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 18:55

Ex said that too. His boss told him not to be so stupid and that he could take a couple of days off if he needed some time, but he expected him back after that.

Anyway if he wants to give up work that's his own stupid decision, it's nothing to do with you :)

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 18:56

Now he says he loves me god i'm confused!

I don't think i can stick to it right now but i know i need to do it.

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BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 18:58

Seriously though. Whatever he does, it's his choice. It's not your responsibility. If he does threaten suicide, phone the police. They will not think you are wasting their time, even if it is a cry for attention from him.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 19:00

Ha! Tactic number 2 already! Wink

Read my post again of 18:34. He's following the pattern exactly! First "Poor me you've ruined my life", now "Things can be wonderful between us if you just give me a chance". It's a script.

mo3d · 10/07/2011 19:01

When he realises his normal approach isn't working, he will try anything to get you to 'behave'. Stick to your guns. Go out with your friends you haven't seen for ages. Join a club. Visit family. Fill your life and then youll realise how lovely it is to be free.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 19:02

If he really, honestly loved you, he wouldn't treat you like this.

He's going to give up his job??? That's just crazy talk. Incredibly manipulative. Don't let him make you feel guilty.

Watch that video Bertie linked to, that girl is totally right.

You don't have to break up with him right this instant but I think you should stop talking to him. If you know that talking to him makes everything confusing, don't talk to him! Tell him you need some time to think about things and then do that. Get some support from friends or family.

You can get through this!!!

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 19:04

He is isn't he Sad why does he have to be such an asshole(sorry).

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GollyHolightly · 10/07/2011 19:08

I expect he's always been an asshole it's just taken this long for him to show it enough for you to see it, because he was on his best behaviour at first in order to reel you in.

buzzsore · 10/07/2011 19:09

I reckon call your mates and go out or watch a DVD with one/them tonight and switch off your phone.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 19:11

I don't know why there are so many twats out there in the world. I really don't understand how people can act like this and not feel bad about it, not want to change their lives and be decent to others.

But you, Sunshine, sound like a lovely person. You don't have to be with someone like this. Let him go off and be a crazy jerk all on his own, you get out there and take that job and have fun and be happy.

There are also many decent people in the world! Stick with them, let the assholes be miserable on their own Wink

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 19:13

GollyHolightly - It was me ignoring it and it is finally sinking in he isn't going to change and ignoring his behaviour isn't going too make it better, i shouldn't of let it go on so long.

All your advice is spot on... i just hope when i'm strong enough i can think about myslef and not think about his feelings because i know they are not real - he will just move on to the next.

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dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2011 19:18

You should definitely think of your own feelings first. If you don't put yourself first, who will?

I have to dash and get to work, just want to say good luck for tonight and I'm really glad you are starting to see him for what he is. You will get through this and be so much happier Smile

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 19:19

Buzzsore - i would be i can't remember any of their numbers, i know everyone in the area but he always excuses me of cheating with them and that will be what he says when he tells people we broke up.

dreamingbohemian - Thank you.

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