Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What would you do??

293 replies

thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 15:58

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/07/2011 21:43

he won't change

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 21:46

He does respect me, he always tells me how beautiful i am and he doesnt call me names or get agressive,he opens doors for me,he would spend his last penny on me,he would fetch anything i need,he would walk miles for me, he would defend me, see the list is endless he is a good man,most of the time when he is not in a silly mood.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/07/2011 21:47

you talked yourself into what a wonderful bloke he is

top-notch, what

you stay love, his behaviour is only 'cos he cares about you

(see you in a couple of weeks)

I'm out

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 21:49

OK - the needs a good talking to...

Here goes:

3 YEARS I spent asking, begging, pleading for X to allow me a tiny little life, to be allowed out once a week, perhaps to see my only friend for thousands of miles, to try to find groups to get my 3yo out of the tiny flat were we spent literally weeks at a time cooped up. For months there was only 1 key. He took it to work. When we first moved to that flat, I'd been cooped up so long I couldn't climb a single flight of stairs without stopping, I was that unfit, due to being in a confined space.

I cried, I begged, I ranted, I cajoled, I tried to butter him up.

NOTHING. Zip, Nada, niente, Nichts.

He won't give you freedom, why should he give up the entitlement to rule you? You are asking too much of him, he thinks it's his RIGHT to treat you like this. You asking him to accept you want to have friends, a job etc is like someone asking YOU to give up the right to VOTE, or the right to leave the house.

Know what you are dealing with. Be very clear with yourself.

Why Does He Do That - Lundy Bancroft - BUY IT!

((hugs))

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 21:50

You can want him to change ALL you like love. Trust me, it won't happen.

HE MAKES YOU DUMP EVERY FRIEND YOU HAVE FFS, Even MY nasty x would try to get me to get rid of them in a less obvious way than that!

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 21:51

No i dont see my friends - that is my choice i don't want to argue. I'm quite busy so i dont have time for hobbies and anyway i know he would want to do them with me. I cant work in a pub or club - no but i can a different job,i suppose.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 21:53

We'll be here sunshine, when you need us. and you will.

No probs at all love, I've defended mine for 10 years, as I said before, I'm in no position to say anything to you. You have doubts in 18m, you are not ready to act upon them, but you will be. We will be right here waiting for you when you need us.

Stay safe love,

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 21:53
Sad
HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 21:53
Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 21:57

HerHissyness -Im so sorry you had to go through that Sad and i know honestly, i do,i just dont know what to do.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/07/2011 21:57

< hugs> for hissy

AnyFucker · 10/07/2011 21:58

sunshine, you know what to do

whether you are ready to it, I dunno

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 22:01

Any Fucker - i do know but my heart is telling my head different i know most of his behaviour is not right and then i think of the good things,im fighting myself here.

HerHissyness - hugs for you to.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 22:05

You take a deep breath. You stop. You look at your life.

Is THIS what you dreamed of? Is THIS what you yearned for, to have to be told to get rid of people that enriched your life, just because HE had a problem with them.

Being TOLD not to work in a Pub or Club, like HE has a right to order you about?

You don't know this guy. He will escalate his control over you, he may even get violent, I wouldn't put it past him. Mine did. But I was with him for 10 years. After 1 year X was still OK, by 18m he had gone through my cupboards, found a memories box and flipped. I was so loved up I clung to him, scared to death he'd leave.

He did once, I let him go. It terrified the living daylights out of him, but I still didn't see what he was doing.

I have no crystal ball, but your BF could end up as bad, if not worse than my X.

As AF will tell you, the day he left was the most disturbing of my life, I STILL find it hard to believe. he panicked, he tried literally every manipultive method in the book, but I'd learnt that the way he was with me was wrong, thanks largely to posters like AF, telling me that this life was not normal. I couldn't see it.

You can't see it now, but this is not normal. Your life is on HIS terms. that's not right.

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 22:07

Your heart will heal.

Your head, if you don't get out of this, will not... Not without some serious help.

Your head is right, you know it is.

The relief you feel when you realise your life is your own is tremendous. I am relaxed and happy. The rest I'm working on. I don't regret dumping him at the airport, I just wished I'd done it sooner.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 22:09

HerHissyness - Thank you for stopping with me throughout the thread. I am so glad your happy now. why can't men just be normal?.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/07/2011 22:09

bottom line

no one man is worth this

this man is not the messiah

this man has no right to tell you how to live your life

who the fuck does he think he is ? Does he think he has a golden nob ? Apart from the one in the middle of his forehead, no, he does not

find your anger

would you let anyone else boss you around like this (apart from us ? < ahem > )

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 22:15

Some men (apparently) can be normal...

I'll have to take other women's words for it for now, having absolutely no desire or wont to dive back in just yet... Grin

If I can help one woman feel strong enough to stand up and say "Erm, actually NO, love, that is not going to work for me" then I'm happy.

That's all it takes tbh, the word NO. The rest just follows, all you have to do is to KNOW and believe you are worth more.

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 22:21

Any fucker - Grin But this is when i love MN, straight to the point and great advice, i may not seem like i'm not listening but i am, needs time too sink in i think.

As for that golden nob - nope i'm afraid he hasn't and no i wouldn't let anyone boss me around but he knows how to push my buttons. i've fancied him since i was 15 lost contact and i was so happy when he got in touch but think i need to let go don't i? he's not who i thought he was.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 10/07/2011 22:22

Plenty of men are normal. They do all the nice things you mentioned sunshine but not the controlling abusiveness. They support, love, protect and care for you. They are not perfect and don't expect you to be. They apologise when they are wrong and learn from it. You do not have to settle for anything less.

AnyFucker · 10/07/2011 22:24

yes, you need to let go and find someone with a better nob

come on love, don't let an inadequate man diminish you

you are your own person

if you want to pull pints, do it

this is your life, and letting someone tell you how to live it is a huge mistake you will regret for a very long time

Curiousmama · 10/07/2011 22:29

Yes there are normal men, I found one thank God. Otherwise I'd be single, simple as.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2011 23:13

God yes there are normal ones. Problem is when you're vulnerable like you were when you came out of your last relationship, the normal ones recognise that you aren't ready for a relationship and stay well back. Whereas the abusive tossers notice the neon sign on your head and dive straight in.

You don't have to compromise. Normal people have minor faults, not major character flaws. You don't have to put up with posessiveness, name-calling or any other thing to get the nice sides of somebody. Normal flaws to put up with in a partner are things like them leaving the loo seat up, or not liking your favourite band, or liking a really stinky food, or (recent one discovered with DP) liking gerkhins in a mcdonald's burger (the bastard! Whose am I meant to steal now? Mind, he said that he usually looked for gerkhin-haters in his girlfriends as well Grin)

If you have fancied someone for a long time, especially since you were a teenager, it's really easy to put them on a pedestal too and overlook any bad points in favour of the fantasy they are suddenly fulfilling. In most cases the person you had a crush on at 15 isn't the same person that they actually are. If you're lucky, it just fizzles out and you're left with a slightly disappointing aftertaste. If you're unlucky, you can overlook some serious red flags and you end up in the situation where you are now.

Have you ever re-watched a film or re-read a book which was a favourite when you were younger and suddenly noticed a subtext to it which completely went over your head the first time?

Original poster
thesunshinesbrightly · 10/07/2011 23:24

Grin gerkin hater over here!!

I think that is exactly where i have put him on a pedestal, how do i push him off??

No i havent done that not that i can think of.

I'm talking to an old school friend just now..he would go nuts if he knew, why do i feel guilty??

OP posts:
sassy34264 · 10/07/2011 23:46

my ex did this- made things difficult so that it didnt seem worth the hassle. trouble is, once they start you'll find that he gives you hassle for more and more things. until he is in complete control of you. it might sound melodramatic but i literally felt like i was in a straight jacket and couldn't breathe.
i'd say stand up to him now before this happens to you, but i fear you may find out how far he is willing/able to go to continue controlling you. i certainly did- he pinned me to the floor by my throat. be careful.