What would you do??

[thesunshinesbrightly]

I want to do some part time bar work, my OH doesn't want me to...do i take the job or consider his feelings??

How long have you been together?

What do your friends think of him?

Please don't move in with him. I think you should tell him that you are going to take the job and start seeing your friends again. If he starts to give you a hard time, don't engage, don't argue, just tell him that he is being unreasonable and he needs to seek some help for his issues. You will support him while he seeks help but you cannot solve his problems for him, and you are no longer willing to let him take them out on you. If he is not willing to get help, then you can't stay together.

I know that sounds dramatic, but the longer you put off having this conversation, the harder it will be to get out. I know you love him, and I know how hard it is to leave someone you love, but do you want to spend the rest of your life dealing with his issues? You only have ONE LIFE, I'm sorry to shout, but the years you spend with someone draining your life away are years you will never get back.

Keep talking to us

(former bar maid myself here -- I quite enjoyed the work!)

I've tried to get him to go out he wont go anywhere. I feel a bit suffocated if i'm honest.

I have 2 choices i could accept the way he is and ignore and deal with it or leave him. He will never accept he has a problem.

As others have said, it isn't about this job - that could be for all sorts of reasons- it is about the fact that he wants you isolated. That is one big red flag.

I have been with him over a year and a half, known him since i was 15.

I will try and talk to him later.

I enjoy it too.

Honestly?

If you were my daughter I would be very concerned about you being in a relationship with this man.

Sorry if that is not what you want to hear.

He may not be a monster but he sounds controlling and manipulative. If you are ready to give up on something you want to do to avoid the fall out of his behaviour he has already got to you.

If you don't think he will ever do anything about his problem, then I'm sorry, but I think you should leave him.

You are hardly going to be feeling less suffocated as time goes by. You will just lose touch with everyone you know and all the things you want to do.

Then you have to do the leaving. You feel suffocated now - imagine how suffocating it would be living together.

If you can't face breaking up with him, then just keep things the way they are for now, or rather, not quite the same as they are - take the job and see your friends as well. Don't let him mould you.

He should be doing some accepting, not you giving in to every demand of his. Why is it that you think you have to accept him as he is but he doesn't have to accept you for who you are, but wants to shrink your world to him-size?

I have sent him a text saying i know he's upset with me and he denies it(i know him well enough to know he is) he's going to be like this till i give up and not take the job .

Is this what you want forever?

My dh didn't have many local friends when we met but didn't bat an eyelid when I said I was seeing my friend on my birthday as it was already arranged. Men who love you don't stop you doing what you want too..

I don't know how to withdraw from him..i can't picture myself without him.

Well, don't picture yourself without him then . Take little steps to improve what you have now, that don't involve you giving in and that do allow you to have the job you want and see your friends.

You can be happy without him. Honestly, you can.

It is not healthy at all to not be able to picture yourself without your partner. You are still your own person, with your own life and your own interests and needs. A partner is someone to share a life with, not give up your life to be with.

18m and he's already telling her she needn't go out?
she is not to get a particular kind of job?

and all of it dressed up under the banner of poor little me, i was cheated on, so i HAVE to put YOU on lock down.... and it's only because I don't want to lose you?

WHAT UTTER BOLLOCKS

You are hearing a little voice of concern sunshine, FGS listen to it?

that's a idea. I should, reckon i'm in for a bumpy ride.

I was meant to be seeing him tonight and now he's decided he doesn't want to.

God you are all so right,this is why i love mumsnet.

"You can be happy without him. Honestly, you can."

I'll go further:

YOU CAN NOT BE HAPPY WITH HIM LONG TERM.

This behaviour will escalate, it'll never, ever get any better.

Go do something fun tonight!

HerHissyness - i am hearing it loud and clear and i have for a while, have being trying to excuse and ignore it.stupid me.

sunshine: the blowing you out, is punishment for daring to express a desire to do something he doesn't want you to. he has NO right to stop you doing this, none what so ever! How on earth was he granted the entitlement to rule you? He wasn't, he stole that entitlement, in dribs and drabs, while you didn't notice.

You now, are supposed to quiver in fear that you have done something to make him angry, that you are at risk of being dumped, so you now need to make up to HIM for the fact that YOU want to do something perfectly normal, perfectly respectable for YOU.

This, dear reader, is how full blown domestic/emotional abuse starts. He's been nice for around a year, but he can't keep it up.

sunshine, open your eyes, please, see what he is doing, it's a one way street to a whole world of pain. trust me.

No love, you are not stupid, far from it, you have heard a voice, but because he was so nice at the beginning, you thought, if I just do this, or that, the nice P will be happy.

We have all done it.

We are none of us stupid, no matter how idiotic these relationships make us feel.

You are seeing red flags after 18m, it took me 10 years. I would never, ever call you stupid, cos if I did, what would that make me?

I can be happy without him can't i? i have got used to him always being there tho and i think i can't.

dreamingbohemian - I should...shouldn't i?? but i will have a week of hell if i rebel

Have you had counselling for the abusive relationship? can you try and get on a Freedom Programme? or read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, that'll help you see where he is and why he's doing this. it'll help you protect yourself and immunise yourself from the fuckwittery they use to try to get us to do what they want.

You have been with him 18m. I have socks older than that!

Don't put up with this. This is YOUR life.

I guarantee you will be happy without him! that is a certainty!

HerHissyness - No, i thought i was ok because i know the signs but i've been ignoring them with him because i didn't want to believe he was like this. He knows i love him and i will put up with it, thats why he thinks he can get away with it i suppose.

You are all right. Thank you for all talking sense, i need a slap into reality and face facts he isn't going to change.