It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

But the thing is Rocky even if he really wanted to try and change, when you are drunk your inhibitions go. So all it would take is a couple of drinks and the possibly back to square one again.

I know this from experience, my ExP could be pretty violent but only when he was drunk. The times he said he would change, he did get his act together but this only lasted as long as he didn't drink.

Although, my Ex was always extremely remorseful in the morning and never tried to blame it on me, even when he was still drunk.

People only get better when there is no-one else there to enable them. You can't help him I'm afraid. The cliche is true, he has to want to do it himself.

He's addicted to drink by the sounds of it.

Don't keep picking up the pieces for him and covering up for him. You'll end up isolated and trapped.

If it's your house get a barring order and change the locks.

He comes out with all kinds of crap when he's drunk, I guess I have learned to put up with it because when he is sober he is the loveliest man and would never dream of hurting me. But the problem is he is hardly ever sober any more.

I don't think anyone here can tell you whether he can change or not. I think someone on the thread earlier said that maybe if they really want to and they do all the anger management stuff..But like you said - not likely.

AND in your case he's just avoided it? Doesn't show a big desire to deal with anything. You really need to get out to a safe place - in any case; if you stay there's no way he'll even need to change. There'll be no reason.

if you believe he could be so drunk as to be a danger to himself can't you call a friend once you've left and get them to look in on him?

I'm not leaving him tonight. I need to make a plan but not tonight

it's escalating, I hope you can see this.

Maybe next time he could really hurt you physically, cause a miscarriage, hit you in front of DD....

Rocky I think you are coping so well with all this stress.

Wanting to be loyal to him is admirable and very strong given that he's just been violent to you again.

But you need to be loyal to your children most of all. Your H is an adult and can help himself (although it's extremely unlikely he will).

But your children are helpless and depend on you to protect them. He has already put your unborn baby at risk and your DD potentially at risk.

It might be easier to work out your thoughts about the relationship if you get away for a bit?

Make the plan now.

But he knows that he attacks you when he is drunk so how dare he carry on drinking when he knows what the consequences will be? You say his drinking has escalated, well so will the abuse. He's not taking any steps to stop abusing you, none at all. He says he's sorry which he clearly feels is a green light to do it again. That 'lovely man' you fell for doesn't exist any more, if he ever did - abusers are often 'lovely' at the beginning, most of the time, otherwise no one would date them, shag them or live with them. But the intervals of loveliness inbetween the drunken insults, the pushes, the punches and the kicks get steadily shorter. Always. This is how it goes. Please protect yourself and your DC and get rid of him - and please remember that a 'lovely' man would be sorting himself out after TWO attacks on his partner. He'd be seeing his GP about alcohol abuse and anger management if he couldn't stop drinking on his own, he'd agree to move out for a while and he would be demonstrating by his actions that he's very sorry, he's working on changing his behaviour, and he would keep on demonstrating the effort he's making.
Making an effort does not involve having two days off the drink then going to the pub 'just for one' and if you object, thumping you and saying 'It's all your fault for bringing up the past again' which is what men like this will do. Again and again and again.

try and get a little bit angry with him, internally, to give you the strength to move.

before we had DD we both used to drink quite a lot. But I have calmed down a lot and he has got worse

but he has done nothing tochange.. if he wanted to change he would have been down to the drs and to relate and anywhere else he could go.

he may not want to change, there is no reasion for him to change with you being there and putting up with it. he has got you where he wants you, feeling sorry for him and being too shamed to seek help.

you can walk out on him. what if something happened to you? who would bring up dd? what if he did something to your baby when he next pushes you over? how would you live with the guilt?

He has been verbally abusive to me for a long time when drunk but it was never physical

now it is physical and you need to do something about it. it will only get worse.

Hi rocky

I wanted to respond to your thread as I have also been in your position.

My H was a heavy drinker, with a stressful job, and a history of depression, and to start with everything was ok. Then over the years, there were various episodes of drunken rages, vile name-calling, personal property damaged, and of course, lashing out at me.

It also happened when I was pregnant. And the day I took our third child home from hospital.

I thought he was a Jeckyll and Hyde character, but over the years his abusive behaviour occured when sober too. A wise person on Mn said to me "a drunken monster does not just become one when drunk - they are a monster when sober too" or words to that effect.

You want to believe he is better than this - I know that. You want to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I used to think that if my H didn't drink it would be fine. He would use the excuse of drink-related amnesia. It is just an excuse though.

Believe me, enduring this sort of behaviour will take all the strength and vitality from you.

His behaviour is totally unacceptable. There is evidence that the prognosis is worse if the abuse occurs when pregnant ie he is not likely to change.

First of all you need to see what he actually is - he is abusing you. Look up the womans aid website, phone them. Get the Lundy Bancroft book "Inside the minds of angry and controlling men".

What brought it home to me was that I confessed the physical and emotional abuse to my best friends, who are both GPs (as I am) and they told me that the kids could be seen as being "at risk" living in a house with a drunk, abusive parent.

It made me realise that you not only have to protect yourself, but you must protect your children.

To that end, have a bag packed and find somewhere safe to stay. There you will draw strength from being away from a toxic situation.

Please tell your midwife too - don't be scared, or embaressed. Believe me, it can happen to anyone, from any walk in life!

Please, please take care of yourself, and keep posting

have to sign out now... but will check in again tomorrow. be strong for you and for you children rocky.

pack a bag. look at the list on the womens aid website... hide the bag in your car/in the shed.

I stopped when we had DD but also because whenever I went out I was accused of looking at other men or he would say I encouraged them by dressing like a slut. So I just stopped going out because it isn't worth the hassle.

Dont to anything tonight. Who owns the house OP? If its his house you need to go to the homeless section of the council on Monday who can emergency rehouse you.

The thing is, this is not going to get better, it WILL get worse. He has pushed the boundris and knows you are accepting it so is getting worse. If you stay with him you have no idea how far he will go.

You need to remove yourself and the children from the situation before it gets worse which IMO it will.

I'm probably saying too much. I'm going to try and get some sleep now but will post tomorrow if I get the chance