It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

he's asleep now so will be ok for tonight

I'm so so sorry to hear this has happened to you, Rockyroad. You absolutely must leave him, either by throwing him out (have someone big and strong in the house as backup - do you have a brother or Dad nearby?) or by taking your papers, the passports, the bank account details, the house deeds, and going somewhere safe.

He will do it again.

Your DCs will see it and think this is how they should behave when they grow up.

Please call women's aid, and start making plans to get out.

((hugs)) It's horrible and unfair and wrong that he should have done this to you. He won't stop until you leave.

yes, go and ask for a scan, or to hear a heartbeat. Get everything you need to reassure yourself, and it will be logged why you want it, and that will also help reassure you that there's no way he'd get custody of your DCs - whatever he says.

Do you have a Maternity Assesment or similar? They should be able to listen in on the baby's heart for you.

Sorry you've had to go through this OP.

I'm not surprised you're upset and shaken, anyone would be after what you've been through tonight.

I think they might give you a scan if you ask, but talk it over with your GP.

Hope you get a good sleep tonight. Sleep well lovely x

Please get yourself and your children safe. He's not going to suddenly be lovely again, he's just going to get worse, you'll be treading on eggshells around him - and so will your kids - and your self esteem will plummet until there will be little of the real you left.

This is how it will go, I promise.

Get out before it happens.

Keep posting, keep a diary of everything until you have got away.

Best of luck to you; I'm so sorry things have turned out like this.

As you are pg, you can approach your MW regarding this. It has been proven that DV can start or get worse during pg, and they have systems in place for help and referals etc. If you explain what happened then they will give you a scan and help you to get the help you need.

FWIW it sounds to me like he is in a downward spiral that has nothing to do with you but you are the victim of. He is under pressure at home and at work so started drinking to relieve the pressure, which of course it doesnt do, and then the stress comes out as anger directed at the "safest" person, which is you.

It could be that with the right help and counselling he could learn to deal with stress without drinking and also address his anger issues that come out as a result of it (Respect offer help to perpetrators of DV that want to change). But you need to make sure that you and your children are safe and then tell him that the only way you would consider trying to work things out is AFTER he has given up drinking and had the appropriate counselling. Get away from him first, and when you are safe and settled, then and only then, consider whether you would be willing to support his treatment.

OP, I think this is probably your previous thread? here.

Assuming that was you, did you have any luck trying to get him to start addressing any of the reasons for his previous violence? He was keen to make amends I recall.

If that wasn't you, hopefully some of the advice on that thread will also be useful for you. Most particularly that abusers don't change overnight, however much their partners want to help them, or forgive them, or offer reasons for why it might have happened (such as work stress, or saying the wrong thing at the wrong time).

He has attacked you twice whilst pregnant. You really, really need to get yourself some support. Please call Women's Aid and talk through your options. Confide in your midwife and get yourself checked over physically. And please consider going to the police this time.

yes thats my previous thread. last time he was sorry and said it was a one-off and would never ever happen again. He said he would go and see his gp about the issues he has with depression and drinking but he hasn't been yet.
This morning he didn't remember pushing me and left for work early because he "didn't want a row"
I'm only 11 weeks so it's still a bit of a worrying time anyway, will ring my midwife this morning to see what she says

Thought so, rocky. I hope you don't mind me linking to the previous thread, I don't think it's surprising at all that you took him at his word last time that he would seek help and try to change.

In the weeks in between, how come he hasn't been to his GP? Too busy, or has he been downplaying the previous episode as less serious than you thought? Is he saying this incident didn't happen because he can't remember it?

I want to quote part of one of fastweb's posts from the other thread, when you asked if it was possible to get through this.

I really hope we can get through this and it is a one off. Do you think it's possible?

Yes. It is possible. How probable could well depend on to what extent

a) He is allowed to let this incident fade quickly without any examination as to how terrible his actions were, accepting (wholehearted) responsibility for them and living with the loss of self and external image as a man who does not hit women.

b) a clear understanding that not only will a repeat, however minor, have life changing consequences, but you also have a record of what preceded any repeat.

He said he will do whatever it takes

Then I'd suggest your first step is to find out if these are words or a declaration of action that will be undertaken. One option is making an appointment with either your or his GP and seeing him\her together, stating what happened and asking advice in terms of "what now? counselling?".

Please do speak to Women's Aid. It seems like this time you're not even going to get a show of remorse from him :(

I'm sure your baby will be fine, please try not to worry. Your MW will certainly give you a scan if you think you need on, I am sure.

You need to talk to your MW about this, please, she will help you.

I'm no expert in these situations at all. But I've read/heard enough about abusers to know that he won't change and you need to leave him.

You can do it. My cousin left her abuser exP with a 20-month old and a 5-week old baby. Nearly three years later, she is doing a law degree, has a wonderful, gentle new partner and is so happy, happier than I've ever seen her. Please value yourself. You are worth far more than being this man's punchbag.

And if you can't do it for you, leave for your children. My cousin's 20-month old was already developing behavioural problems due to exPs violent behaviour to her mother.

I made two doctors appointments for him and he cancelled both because he was too busy at work.
But he?s never busy to go out to bars and pubs while I?m at home doing everything. I feel guilty for thinking like that because I know he?s got serious problems but its hard working full time, looking after dd, doing all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, being pregnant, never knowing what mood he?s going to be in when he gets home or even when he will be home.

Hi Rocky

Just wanted to say that my dad hit my mum when she was pregnant with my older brother. She called the police and he never touched her again, but he did go on to hit me and my brother when she wasn't round. This continued throughout my childhood and it has irreparably damaged the relationship I have with my mum.

Think carefully, once might merit a second chance depending on the circumstances, but twice would indicate to me an ingrained behaviour.

Take care

we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about

yes you do

so do whats right

My exH only used to hit me when drunk, unfortunatelyhe started getting drunk rather too frequently.
I'm sorry but it won't stop it will only escalate, believe me I know.

For the sake of your children please leave asap.

Lots of good and practical advice in this thread, please take it.

Such men do not change easily if at all. DV perpatrator programmes only have limited success. Joint counselling is a complete no as well due to his ongoing abuse meted out towards you. He has already cancelled two appts; this tells me he is not interested in sorting his problems out and he knows what he is doing.

Do not feel guilty re him; he is actively choosing to act as he does. As his wife you are actually the last person who can help him. He does not want to be helped.

Please do yourself a huge favour and get yourselves away from him asap. Womens Aid can and will help you here; please do call them, they will really help.

Abuse is about power and control. He can control himself around other people but you alone cop his abuse so this is not really about trying to control his temper or anger management.

So sorry to hear that six six six
Got an appointment with midwife this afternoon so fingers crossed everythings ok. I text dh to let him know because I thought perhaps that will be a wake up call for him but no reply yet. And I told him not to come home drunk because we need a serious chat

Bit concerned at his lack of remorse this time and the fact it has happened twice changes the dynamics. Might call womens aid later if I have time, think I need to get out.
Battery on blackberry nearly finished. Will try to post later

rockyroad

I am so so sorry for your situation, it's obviously very difficult.

You have been given good advice on here. You really do have no choice but to escape and take practical steps to make good your escape.

For DV not to escalate is very, very rare. I have a friend who tolerated this for a long time for the sake of 'keeping the family together'. She loved her husband and didn't want to leave. She made endless excuses for him and he was incredibly manipulative. She only left when he struck her daughter. When she left she had only her children and the clothes she stood up in but she now has a house of her own and a good life.

The longer you stay, the more your self esteem will be worn down and the harder it will be for you to get out.

It's a horrible truth but DV often starts during pregnancy. Your husband may have ambivalent feelings about this baby. A lot of men are jealous of their own children.

He may feel he can't face having a baby in the house again and this is why he is drinking.

I have a little knowledge of this area because I have studied it a bit on a course I am doing. DV is disproportionately present in relationships during pregnancy, and what's more, if it is to do with issues the man has about the pregnancy (and it often is) as things progress it is more likely to be directed at the abdomen.

I know this is horrifying and I am not saying this to frighten you, but you are only 11 weeks and your husband must know that by pushing you he is endangering your baby.

No way will this man have any chance of getting your children, either the one you already have or the one you are expecting.

He has already shown he is not a good father by what he has done.

You owe it to your daughter to get out, these problems often repeat down the generations.

The sooner you get out, the longer you have to prepare for your baby and organise things on a practical level.

Everyone I know who has experienced this has only one regret: not getting out sooner.

Good luck, and bon courage! x