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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened again...

509 replies

rockyroadtoruin · 23/06/2011 21:47

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair Sad

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

OP posts:
springydaffs · 24/06/2011 11:50

Very concerned that you are still attempting to talk to him/convince him that his actions are wrong. He won't listen OP, he has already shown that he has no intention of listening or taking responsibility for his violence. I am concerned that if you push him into a corner (re don't drink as we need to have a serious chat tonight) he will hit you again - it is very likely he will.

From now on in it is your actions that you need to use to 'speak' to him - not words. You must get away from him - leave him to sort out why you have, it is not for you to spell it out to him. Call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 to get some good, concrete advice and support - they are the best.

He has done it again and this time he isn't sorry - left early because 'he didn't want a row'. Last time he was remorseful but didn't follow up with GP appt - which you made (classic Sad). Next time...

OP, you do not want a next time!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/06/2011 11:55

Don't let him know you are onto him or he will escalate and very fast. They always do. What you have to do for the moment is lie to the fucker and placate him, do everything he says (well, don't let him force you into sex that you don't want, that's too far a step) while you make your plans to get away. Whether this is packing your valuables and going to a refuge or whether it's getting a court order to get him out of the house, be sweet and compliant until it's done. The most dangerous time you spend with an abuser is the time when he detects that you are planning to escape. He might be apologetic and sweet, but it won't last, if you don't appear to fall from it he will attack.

springydaffs · 24/06/2011 12:23

Totally, totally agree with SCGB - act as though your life depended on it (it may Sad). Do not think you can reason with him - you can't. He is now in dangerous territory - or you are tbh OP Sad

RavenVonChaos · 24/06/2011 12:28

No - go to the police and make him leave. If you are preggers and have a dc social services will want him out of the home right away. This is not just about you. You have to protect your children from the effects of domestic violence which can be catastrophic. Loads of evidence.

If not pack your stuff and get out right away. He is Wrong wrong wrong.

Good luck

swallowedAfly · 24/06/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 24/06/2011 14:39

Baby is ok Smile
Do you think I've made a mistake then, telling him we need a serious talk? Have already text it. Now I'm worried

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 24/06/2011 14:45

If he's drunk when he gets home, call the police. don't muck about with stuff anymore. he needs taking out of the equation as soon as he even gives you a dodgy look.

Lizzabadger · 24/06/2011 15:20

Please call Women's Aid as a matter of some urgency. You don't have to take their advice but at least listen to what they say.

AnyF · 24/06/2011 15:43

You can still have a talk.

But don't inform him of any plans that indicate to him that you are seeking outside help in any way. That would be a dangerous thing to do, I think.

QueenofDreams · 24/06/2011 15:53

rocky did you tell your midwife that he pushed you? If so what did she say?

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 24/06/2011 18:20

I was too ashamed to tell the midwife. I just couldn't.
But I did call Women's Aid and spoke to a lovely lady who gave me a lot of practical advice on staying safe until I decide to leave.
DH should have been home by now if he was coming straight home but there's no sign of him yet. I really really hope he hasn't been drinking. If he has I am taking DD and getting out for a bit.

OP posts:
SirSugar · 24/06/2011 18:34

I've come late to this thread and I have only one thing to add...

forgive once, hes a fool, forgive twice, you're a fool.

I may have read this somewhere on this board, I don't remember, but I think it has weight in your grave situation

SirSugar · 24/06/2011 18:39

With my H I was a fool, so I understand

tribpot · 24/06/2011 18:49

rocky, the trouble is, he's counting on you to be too ashamed to tell anyone (although very well done on phoning Women's Aid). This was part of fastweb's advice from before (sorry to quote again): "You will have sent a clear message to him that you will not keep his dirty secrets and therefore he will know, beyond any doubt, that he cannot rely on your silence as a reaction to any future actions. ".

You have done nothing to be ashamed of, he has. You really do need to tell people, particularly the midwife.

Stay safe tonight but seriously consider where you can go tomorrow, however temporary, to get some space and some safety.

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 24/06/2011 19:18

He obviously doesn't give a shit. Not home and not answering his mobile.

OP posts:
tribpot · 24/06/2011 19:19

Is there anywhere you could go tonight? I worry about you being there on your own with dd whenever he does get back, esp since he knows you want to have a talk.

FabbyChic · 24/06/2011 19:55

If you have family you can go to pack and leave, take what you can and leave and never go back.

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 24/06/2011 21:12

here we go..

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 24/06/2011 21:21

Is that him home, or you with luggage and dd on your way to your mum's? I do hope it's the latter, because if he's come home hours late and drunk you may be in serious danger.

SchrodingersMew · 24/06/2011 21:24

Op, I am really worried for you. I hope you are okay.

follyfoot · 24/06/2011 21:32

Hello rockyroad Smile

Dont want to put you under any pressure or beat you up. But.....

I have been where you are now. And violence during pregnancy is depressingly common. What shouts out to me in your posts is that you are focusing on him - his cancelling appointments, him not texting, his drinking, his behaviour. What about you? What about how you feel, how his behaviour will affect your DD and your unborn child (if that child survives his violence).

Its time to start thinking about yourself and your children - both of them. You cant make him better. The sad reality is that he probably cant get better, in fact he can probably only get worse, much worse. Dont be like me and end up sleeping whilst pregnant with a kitchen knife under the pillow because it was the only way to feel safe.

Please try to focus on yourself and your children and how you can get out of this awful situation. There is lots of support for you here, and much more in real life, from friends and family and from specialist organisations like Womens Aid.

And finally,please please dont feel ashamed, and especially too ashamed to tell your midwife. The violence is his not yours, he does it, it is his action, not yours. Hold your head high and know this isnt about anything you have done. My violence made the front page of the papers unfortunately and you would not believe the number of people I knew (some I had known for years) who quietly then felt able to tell me about the violence they had suffered. They too had felt ashamed but once they knew someone else knew what it was like, they felt free to talk about it. Loads of lovely intelligent and beautiful women all of whom had suffered at the hands of a violent man. It wasnt their fault, just like it isnt yours.

Please get some help xx

xpatmama · 24/06/2011 21:36

Me too! Quite worried about you! Please get some help!

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 21:39

I hope you are okay and have made plans to get safe.

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 24/06/2011 21:57

He's a complete mess, he's not even capable of hurting me. I don't think I can leave him like this.

OP posts:
follyfoot · 24/06/2011 22:07

Please, its not about him. He is not your responsibility and things will only get worse.

I will say though, that you will only leave him when you are ready, not when other people try to persuade you to. I pray its soon enough.

In the meantime we are here for you.