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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened again...

509 replies

rockyroadtoruin · 23/06/2011 21:47

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair Sad

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

OP posts:
whatatip · 09/07/2011 14:45

Doha, I am shocked.

Rocky, it is obviously your decision to make. If you need support then don't hesitate to come back here in the future.

BerylOfLaughs · 09/07/2011 16:40

I should learn not to get involved in these threads. 99% of the time the woman goes back and 100% of the time they are subjected to the abuse again. I really hope the surviving child finds a decent role model one day.

Clarence15 · 09/07/2011 16:56

You won't like this, but I think I speak for a lot of people on here when I say I'm really disappointed in you. You asked us what you should do because your dh had hit you ffs. Did anyone say you should give him another chance? No, pretty sure no-one did. Did you hear the cheers when you left him? Well you'll hear boos now because a lot of us have spent a lot of time giving (some very personal) advice and you're basically ignoring everyone.

I know it's been very hard losing the baby, but have you asked yourself if he's only sorry now you HAVE lost it? Was he sorry while you were still pregnant? No, because he didn't want the baby. He hit you when you were pregnant, so now you're not he's got a free reign to throw you around all he likes.

I'm sorry I'm being a bit harsh, but I'm just so frustrated. You started you posts very indecisive, then seemed to get very strong which we all admired, but have gone back to feeling sorry for HIM again. You still haven't told us what he's said about hitting you? Why on earth you feel sorry for him is beyond me.

Good luck rocky, you'll need it Sad

TheOriginalFAB · 09/07/2011 17:00

Keep your DD at the fore front of your mind, You have to keep her safe now and will be shaping her idea of what a relationship should be like. Make sure it isn't you making all the effort and take things very very very slowly.

Xales · 09/07/2011 17:01

Don't they say a woman takes on average 7 beatings before leaving her partner?

Let's hope he has turned over a new leaf and he doesn't do it again and your DD isn't scarred seeing things.

Good luck.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/07/2011 17:05

He will do it again though Rocky. I give you about six weeks before the next attack. Oh wait, OK, maybe there won't be an attack as this shitbag is one of the smarter ones. There will be a look, or a tone of voice, or something will be smashed, or he will just raise his hand but not actually make contact. And then he will say, look, see, I'm much better, I didn't hit you but you shouldn't have done {whatever}. Now don't start talking about leaving again, because that might make me angry...
The thing is with this kind of abuser is that it's not so much the pain they get off on, they don't want or need to hit very often, what they are after is complete submission.

threefeethighandrising · 09/07/2011 17:12

Rocky I'm sorry to hear you've gone back, but I certainly don't judge you. It took me many false starts before I left my arsehole ex.

I hope you are not hurt by comments from people like Doha , above. The thing is it's just so frustrating for people from the outside to see someone in your situation willingly putting yourself and your DD back in the firing line. It seems so obvious from the outside that going back is a bad move. Some of my friends completely lost patience with me and our friendships are damaged because of it.

I hope if you do go back you will have the sense to get out at the first sign of trouble (and I don't mean wait till he hits you again, I mean as soon as he even looks at you wrong).

You did it once, you can do it again. We are here for you, and woman's aid too.

blackcurrants · 09/07/2011 19:02

oh I'm so sad for you, Rocky. I'm sad for you losing your baby, I'm sad that your husband is pleased about it, I'm desperately sad that you're going to give him another chance to hit and hurt you and your DD.

You can come back here for help again, when you need it. Call Women's Aid, too, if you can't face here. I hope you get out before you're seriously hurt, and before your DD is any more damaged by it all.
Good luck.

candzsmum · 09/07/2011 19:34

I'm so sad for you too but wish you and your dd all the very best. Please don't think twice about coming back here (or elsewhere) for support when you need it as people are only being harsh as they are worried. Take care of yourselves.

Collision · 09/07/2011 19:40

485 posts and now you have gone back....................

why-do-i-waste-my-time-reading-crappy-threads-like-this?

lookingfoxy · 09/07/2011 19:50

It takes a women several attempts to leave an abusive partner, so lets not be too hard on the OP and scare her off coming back for future support.

OP - I would definitely tell him to get his arse to counselling to see why he thinks it is acceptable to raise a hand to you and stay living apart for the forseeable at the moment. Tell him to get to his GP and confess all, in fact I would be going with him to make sure he did.

follyfoot · 09/07/2011 20:02

No name-calling from me, am pretty astonished at Doha. You have made your choice and whilst none of us wanted this outcome for you, those of us who have been in your shoes know that going back sometimes seems the safer option. It isnt of course, and I think you will come to see that, but you can only do it when you are ready. All I can say is please put your DD first in everything you do from now on. Bringing her up in an abusive home will destroy her life. That is the one certainty in amongst all this.

And when you are ready to leave again, we'll be here still. Please keep talking on here until then, because support from others is vital.

All the luck in the world to you and your DD Rocky xx

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/07/2011 20:46

Doha has a point.

However folly's post is wiser.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 09/07/2011 20:53

Thats what i was worried about the last time. I suspected she had gone back but wouldnt post. If it helps op keep posting, if not get some RL help.

Jux · 09/07/2011 21:11

Rocky, I really hope things work out for you, but if anything happens - anything at all - which worries you, please come back.

Btw, anyone can ask for advice, anyone can give advice, but no one has the right to expect their advice to be followed.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/07/2011 22:02

I really hope the surviving child finds a decent role model one day.

Beryl's words.

Utterly spot on.

zippy539 · 09/07/2011 22:07

Rocky - obviously sorry to hear of your decision but wanted to echo those who have said COME BACK when it kicks off again - don't be put off posting. To those who are exasperated - if domestic violence was straight forward then it wouldn't exist because every woman who was hit would immediately up sticks and leave. As it is the actual violence is the start of the end-game - Rocky's dh will have been simultaniously undermining/adoring her from the beginning of their relationship so she's going to have mixed emotions and low confidence as a result. It's power play - atm Rocky isn't strong enough to see that because her confidence has been eroded to a horrific degree plus she believes that her husband still loves her (though his physical and emotional violence says otherwise). It's all very well getting pissed off with her giving him another chance but it's a process that she may have to go through many times before she finally breaks free. Hopefully she can do do sooner rather than later with herself and her daughter (physically and emotionally) in one piece.

Keep posting Rocky. Please.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 09/07/2011 22:08
ShoutyHamster · 10/07/2011 08:07

springchickengoldbrass is spot on.

Rocky, keep this thread, ok, and don't forget what happened, what you had to do, and all the advice you got.

You can take it as absolute gospel that this man does not love you. Not as you or I or a normal person describe 'love'. What he refers to as love, a normal person would call the desire to control, to be the boss of, to OWN.

He will now be on his best behaviour, but will over time start intimidating you, increasing the intimidation until you find yourself 'behaving' so as not to provoke him. He'll be more careful this time and try and keep you down more cleverly, so you don't run.

Once you're back in the same house it will increase pretty quickly.

Yes it takes most battered women a long while to finally make the break.

How you can forget his horrible rejection of you and your baby I do not know.

When he starts again, come back here for support. Everyone is behind you and I am sure that all the women that have, like you, known the reality of being enmeshed like this with a monster know how hard it is to walk away.

Once he starts again, remember that every day spent with him diminishes your daughter's chances of a happy, successful life.

Live apart from him for as long as you possibly can. Do your own thing, disagree with him - watch his response.

You can do much better for you and your daughter - you could choose to move on to a happier life from here. Keep thinking about that.

Finally do not pretend to yourself - start by seeing that a man who can try and force you into an abortion, who can hit you, can never have the title of 'your rock'. This crapbag is pretending to support you, because it will get him what he wants right now, which is to have his little servant back in the box.

Your real 'rock' is still out there somewhere. I hope this decision doesn't mean that you miss out on him.

zippy539 · 10/07/2011 10:10

Spot on shouty.

blackeyedsusan · 10/07/2011 10:25

the temptation to go back is enormous. try to go through the things he has done. do you really think it is going to be ok?

HerHissyness · 10/07/2011 10:35

Have actually run out of words. Have said all I can.

I will sit with SGB and Shouty. They can talk for me.

[despair]

TheOriginalFAB · 10/07/2011 10:49

My ex hit me twice before I left him. Then I took him back to make sure. I then left him. We had no kids, just a cat that he had kicked so I took the cat and left.

IME when you are pushed to leave someone for whatever reason, before you are ready, you will go back/not get over it.

She has to do it in her own time.

LeQueen · 10/07/2011 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ledkr · 10/07/2011 11:19

Very true leQueen dv victims dont think straight cos they are so entrenched in the whole relationship,the most powerfull thing that anyone ever dai for me was to say-as i went back for the umpteenth time- "you can keep coming back to me,ill always be here and one day you will leave him for good" I did,not long afterwards.
I believ because you keep it quiet from others but are severely traumatised and often in physical pain that you turn to the perpetrator for comfort that you would normally recieve elswhere.