It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

rocky your H obviously hasn't taken his responsibilities seriously. And believe me it will get worse once baby no 2 arrives.

Plainly, he is abusing you. You need to take back the control, for your own sanity, and for the safety of your children. Please, please contact womans aid, and you midwife. You are in such a vulnerable position.

What if your H comes home drunk, and really hurts you, or your children get caught in the crossfire. My H fell down the stairs whilst carrying my ds1 down the stairs in the middle of the night (he wanted to see him....). My DS1 eventually got really anxious, and had really bad maternal separation anxiety due to witnessed abuse - mostly all occuring in the middle of the night, whilst drunk.

I left my H before Xmas, but went back 9 weeks later as he said he'd stopped drinking, and I always thought things would be ok if he was sober. They weren't and the drinking started creeping back in again.

You are worth so much more than this man. Really. But the liklihood is that if he has been verbally abusing you for a while, he has probably ground you down such that your self esteem is low. Thus making it difficult to find the volition to act in YOUR AND YOUR CHILDRENS best interests.

Do you have close friends or family you could confide in? When I eventually told my Mum and Dad the full extent of the abuse, they came and got me from the house. I was glad they did.

He won't change, rocky - in his brain, he's got no motivation to change because you are still with him even after he hit you - so clearly, he doesn't need to change.

If you don't leave him, he will NEVER change.

And - sorry to say - he still might not.

But if you DO leave him, YOU can have a life free from a man who hits you. Your daughter, too, will have a better chance of never being hit by her father or a future partner if you get out now.

If you stay, your daughter is in danger. IF YOU STAY, YOUR DAUGHTER IS IN DANGER.

Get out of there. Please.

He won't change because he fundamentally does not think women are human. This is at the root of all male-on-female domestic violence, the attitude that women are men's pets, servants and property, and that while the abusive man 'loves' his partner, he doesn't percieve her as a person who is as important as him, more a lesser creature that he's entitled to blame, mistreat and control. So every time he hits you, he's 'sorry' that he 'went too far' but at the same time if you had been more obedient he wouldn't have done it. And on some level it makes him feel good to see you frightened and crying, it makes him feel powerful and strong and he likes that.
You have to start percieving him not as your husband, your partner, your beloved, your lover. Someone who loves you would not want to frighten and hurt you like this. An abusive man is your enemy.

get out before you end up having to deal with traumatised children. I wish i had found mn earlier and learnt how abnormal our relationship was and how he was never going to change. it would have saved my children a lot of upset and pain. it just gets so normal, or he doesn't beat me to a pulp like some womens p's do so it can't be that bad... problem is it really is that bad and it is getting that bad.

hi Rocky, how are you doing this morning? hope you are ok.

Rocky I hope things are ok there this morning and you managed to get some sleep.

You have had a lot of replies saying LEAVE LEAVE but it's easier said than done right? You don't want to leave do you? Because that means admitting to other people what has been going on, and it becomes a permanent action, no going back. You'd rather try to sit down with him and get him to say he'll change, he'll go to counselling etc?

Others are too quick to tell women to leave sometimes, and in a lot of situations I think talking can help, but this isn't one. He's putting your family in danger.

Tomorrow he could lose the plot completely and beat up your child......

That sounds harsh but he's a physically and emotionally aggressive man. You have no idea what state he is going to come home in and no idea what he's going to do next.

You need to stop thinking about him and put yourself and your children first. How do you know what he does when you're not around? If you stay with him, how do you know he won't harm your children when you're not around? At the very least they will be emotionally damaged from hearing him call you names and being drunk every night.

I don't want to undermine you but you don't seem to be taking on board what people are telling you. Others have been in the same situation and you're not listening to them.

If you leave him, his actions that follow will tell you whether you did the right thing. If he loves you he'll make changes. If he doesn't he's not worth it.

YOUR CHILDREN WON'T THANK YOU FOR STAYING WITH AN ABUSIVE FATHER.

Good luck sweet x x be strong x x you can do this x x

There is only one thing that matters here: your responsibility to your children.

They did not ask to be born, they are totally dependent on you and the life you choose for them.

If you choose to stay, there are a number of consequences:

you are taking a definite risk that one or both children will be killed or permanently injured

you are taking a definite risk that your children will grow up motherless because you have been killed

you are taking a very strong risk that they will be taken into care if you insist on staying with their father

in later life, they will know that you chose to take that risk because they were not your first priority, and that feeling is something they will have to live with all their lives

they are likely to end up traumatised by their exposure to domestic violence

your dd will grow up thinking that this is how women should be treated and what she herself will have to put up with as an adult- do you want that for her?

if your baby is a son, he will grow up thinking this is how he can treat women- would you want that to happen?

I know it's harsh, but it is not about your dh, it is about your children.

As SGB said, a decent man who had ended up hurting his wife once after over-indulgence would do something about it. Your dh chooses not to.

I'm ok. I wish he would talk to me and admit he has a problem. Then we could deal with it together. But it's impossible to get him to see it.
I tried talking to him today but he doesn't see what he's done wrong.

Have you read any of the posts at all?

What does he have to do? Punch your daughter? Or will you still want to help him then?

He hit you, while you are pregnant with his baby, what more do you need to know?

He doesn't have a problem. He can do what he likes and you will be at home wringing your hands wondering what else you can do for him. Why would he want to change anything?

I'm really sorry and this is going to sound insensitive...

I always feel sorry when someone is with a person who is violent and people immediately think it will be easy to leave as I was with someone who was violent at times and I made all the same excuses so I realise it isn't easy.

But... Had I been pregnant at the time it would be a whole other story, there is no way I would put a child or my unborn child in danger because I didn't want to leave. I'm sorry but that's careless.

I know it's awful saying this, but what if he did hit you again and something did happen to the baby? Or he came in angry and hit your Daughter?

Would you still be making excuses for him? Or are you telling yourself neither of those things will ever happen to you?

Get out. Now.

I was 8 months pregnant and he tried pushing me down the stairs then grabbed me to stop me falling and make it out that I had slipped.

My ex hit me when DD was little. Same as you, told me I deserved it etc etc. But to this day says I drove him to it.

When DS was 5 months old I went out with his sister. He called me home because DS wouldn't settle. We rowed and he hit me again.

It took me a year to leave. But by god is that the best thing I ever did!

And now I shall go and read the whole thread!

It does sound like there's something you're not telling us? Are you scared of what he would do if you left? Is his violent side likely to get much worse if you did leave?

Think about it in practical terms, do you have somewhere you could go? What about money? Is there a womans refuge nearby you could get to? They will help you, if you're scared. That's what they're there for.

You've already said you were worried about your unborn child. Tomorrow he could hurt you again, the worry won't go away.

Please try to listen to what people are telling you. Without wanting to sound too harsh, you sound like a victim. You're still trying to talk to him, to get him to change.

If you've got no intention of leaving then you should say now so we can stop trying to persuade you. If you want to stay with him and get him to change then go for your life. But you did post here asking for advice, and we're giving it so you should at least listen and think about what you're being told.

What exactly have you both said today?

Reading that he didn't want the baby worries me. Is he pushing you around in the hope you will miscarry?

Maybe he wants to split but doesn't have the guts to say so.

This man is drinking more than he should and has physically intimidated you. While it is commendable that you want to help him as his wife, your children don't have a say in all this and they really should come first.

I suggest he moves out for a while and you get some space to think and come to your senses for your childrens' sake.

If you love someone you do not abuse them.

If you abuse someone you do not love them.

Please get out of this situation, you owe it to yourself but more importantly to your children.

Good luck.

He leaves for work very early and usually by the time he gets home I have already bathed her and put her to bed. So monday to friday he doesn't see a lot of her which is sad. At weekends we like to do something together as a family, go out for lunch, go to the park or something like that.

When he is actually with us and sober he is wonderful. Very patient with dd, he plays with her and makes her laugh. I love watching them together.
DD so far is unaffected by it all bless her. She's a little darling, so happy and chatty all the time. I keep thinking I can't possibly be so lucky with DC2.

Clarence I have read every single post, I am listening.