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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's happened again...

509 replies

rockyroadtoruin · 23/06/2011 21:47

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair Sad

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 07/07/2011 09:41

Rocky, my love, you have been so brave, and done absolutely the right thing.

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, and hope that very soon you can come to terms with it all and in time focus on what you need to do for yourself and your DC.

Please don't go back, please keep moving forward, please stay away from him.

pickgo · 07/07/2011 10:08

Oh Rocky you poor thing, you've been through such a terrible time. I'm so sorry to hear about the baby. That's so very very sad.

My God that bastard has got a lot to answer for. I feel so very angry for you.

I know you must be feeling absolutely wretched at the moment but it will gradually come to an end. You've made such a good start to finding a better life for you and your little DD and it will happen. Give yourself time and try and be patient, gradually it will all feel better.

Take care Rocky and thinking of you x

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 07/07/2011 11:45

Oh Rocky, there's not really much anyone can say but I am thinking of you, and how brave you are to get yourself and your dd away from such a harmful situation.

I hope your work can get things sorted for you and you can be near your family. Fingers crossed in the days and weeks to come life starts to turn acorner for you and you can move forward but for now and for your loss big (very unmntty) hugs.

Take care and be gentle with yourself

blackcurrants · 07/07/2011 14:31

I'm so very sorry for you loss, Rocky - it's unbelievably sad.
I hope you can get to friends or family who can look after you.
Many hugs.

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 07/07/2011 19:42

H has said now there isn't going to be a baby we can be a family again and give it another try. he said maybe in another year or so when we are in a better place we can have another baby but I can't think that far ahead. Right now I am so angry with him

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/07/2011 19:55

no

no

no

no

no

no

please, fuck, no

Fifis25StottieCakes · 07/07/2011 19:57

Rocky what anyfucka says...hes done a right job on you IMHO. How did you loose the baby, was it due to all the stress?

UsingMainlySpells · 07/07/2011 19:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NettleTea · 07/07/2011 20:00

cant say more than AF said........

HerHissyness · 07/07/2011 20:06

Precisely because there isn't going to be a baby do you absolutely NEED to end this right here and now, you are not going to be 'incapacitated' you will be at full strength, so will be better able to move yourself, pack up and get your life back together.

Otherwise, exactly what AF says.

cestlavielife · 07/07/2011 20:11

no rocky no - i am sorry for your loss. remember your hormones are all over the place for two-three weeks after a miscarriage. stay awayfrom him, for at least a year - then you can see if he has changed.
please dont go back to him.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 07/07/2011 20:24

I second the others stay strong and let yourself heal from your loss.

Do n't make any decsions in the short term, his response to that may tell you all you need to know, but if he's all smiles and charms just remember and reread your thread and think about where YOU want your life to go from here.

He wouldn't be back if it wasn't for your dreadful loss now would he?

Bogeyface · 07/07/2011 20:39

He is happy about something that has totally devastated you! what kind of husband would feel that?

Tell him to go to hell.

I am thinking of you Rocky and sending hugs x

TheOriginalFAB · 07/07/2011 21:05

Did he cause you to lose the baby and now he wants everything to go back to normal? ShockAngry.

Jux · 07/07/2011 21:10

You don't need this man in your life. You need someone with empathy, who cares about how you feel and doesn't shrug off the things that matter to you as if they were of no account.

You might consider one who doesn't hit you, while you're at it.

You're worth more than this. Don't go back. Don't take him back into your life.

ShoutyHamster · 07/07/2011 21:15

Hurrah! Now you've lost your baby your so-called husband can be all smiles again! He can come first! Isn't it great? Just what he wanted. He must be jumping for joy that his child is gone! Even better, if you do get back with him he'll know that no matter what he does to you or any children you have or might have in the future, you'll always take him back! He can be as foul, as disgusting, as violent, as unpredictable as he likes, knowing that you will choose a life being the shit on his shoe, because... well, just because, it seems.

Does that make you angry, Rocky? I hope so. Use that anger to get you and your child as far as you possibly can away from this fucker. He's poison. You've done brilliantly to get out. Stay out.

pickgo · 07/07/2011 23:15

You have been in touch with him then Rocky?

How do you feel about his response to your miscarrriage and what he has said?

Tell us more about your anger.

threefeethighandrising · 07/07/2011 23:17

Rocky do you have anyone in RL to support you with this? Could you get some compassionate leave from work and go and spend some time with your family?

Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 07/07/2011 23:23

I was told I could wait for the miscarriage to happen naturally or go in for an erpc which I probably will go for and H is coming. I can't bare going through it on my own and he offered to take me so I agreed.
We met up today for the first time since I left and I was a complete mess. He cried and told me he just wants me to come home. He surprised me, I thought he would be full of anger for what I did but he's not at all, he seems genuinely sorry. I know that isn't enough though

OP posts:
Original poster
rockyroadtoruin · 07/07/2011 23:31

I'm almost ashamed to keep posting because I know what the response is going to be Sad

OP posts:
Jemma1111 · 07/07/2011 23:39

So sorry you lost your baby Rocky.

But as low as you feel you MUST gather the strength to KEEP away from him totally. Sorry to say but his so called 'crying' was an attempt to get you to feel sorry for him. He's manipulating you and you have to realise that if you do go back he will drag you down again with his abuse.

So many people have posted on here giving the advice you MUST listen to in order to get your life back. You owe it to yourself and your child not to go back to a life of abuse with this disgusting abuser.

UsingMainlySpells · 07/07/2011 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cestlavielife · 07/07/2011 23:49

it is typical behaviour you know that dont you?
someone who has been controlling and violent?
they will turn on the tears, cry, beg you to come back, they have changed, cant live without you , things will be different, we can start again,,,,etc.

talk to your womens aid people - ask how many times they seen this happen....

threefeethighandrising · 07/07/2011 23:53

rockyroadtoruin, what you're going through is really tough. Please don't be ashamed.

Of course your DP is sorry you left, and is desperately trying to get you back. But you need to see that he's trying another tack (emotional blackmail).

Please recognise you are in a vulnerable space right now. Please please go spend some time with your family, not with this abusive man. Even abusive men can feel sorry and cry. That doesn't change what he is. He is a danger to you (both emotionally and physically) and is manipulating you when you are weak.

Please don't stop posting. We'll all be worried about you.

threefeethighandrising · 07/07/2011 23:56

Sorry, I shouldn't have said not to stop posting because we'll all be worried, you don't need more pressure!

Wishing you strength to break away from this man.

Is there anyone in RL you can talk to? Did you talk to your sympathetic colleague about what's happening?