It's happened again...

[rockyroadtoruin]

A month ago my DH came home drunk. he took a dislike to something I said and hit me. At the time he said I deserved it and called me some foul names but once he sobered up the next day he was very sorry for what he did and promised it was a one off.

I was in complete shock as he had never been violent before, plus we have a 2 year old DD and baby on the way who I have to think about so I forgave him. Maybe I am naive but I thought that would be the end of it.???

After work tonight he had two friends round, they had some drinks and we were all chatting and having a bit of a laugh. but when they left he snapped.
He shouted that I had made him look like a complete fool and I had been flirting with his friend. I tried asking what he was talking about but he said I disgust him.he told me to get away from him and pushed me backwards onto the chair

I don't know what to do. I don't think I can cope with two children on my own. Can I make him change? Will counselling help?

I can understand your wish to involve him again Rocky - in the normal way of things a partner is the only other person who is in the same position as you in losing a baby. And it is such a lonely kind of loss in some ways isn't it?

But I so fear that even over this he will let you down and make you feel even worse than you already do. Letting him come with you will further confuse you and mix up the decisions you thought you'd made.

If you are still in the Refuge talk it over with the counsellors there. You might think about someone else to come to hospital with you?

If you do end up letting him come with you see it as a temporary measure - just a stopgap to get you through this awful time - and don't make any big decisions. Stay put in the Refuge and give yourself the time and space to get over the mc.

Thinking of you Rocky, take care of yourself x

Rocky - I am so, so sorry for your loss. Can I echo the poster who suggested that you need your family right now - are they aware of what has been going on? Can you go and stay with them for a couple of days? You could have the erpc where they live instead?

Yeah, he waits until you have lost the baby to turn on the tears and say he can't live without you. Didn't he 'just want you to come home' before? Not unless you had an abortion...

'H has said now there isn't going to be a baby we can be a family again' - err, that's not a family though, is it? Can you actually read that without feeling sick to your stomach? What a peverted notion he has of what family means. Don't make the mistake of going back to pretending that you have a family with this monster sitting in the middle of it.

He's not genuinely sorry. He's turning on the tears and charm in order to get you back into the house, being his punchbag/cook/bed partner/whatever. He just wants his life back to normal. Which includes being able to knock you about, remember?

Right now he's going to do anything he thinks will get you back in that house. But no, it's not who he really is. He's shown you who he really is. That comes out when things are hard, doesn't it?

A husband and father is someone who you can rely on to be there for you and put you and your childrens' feelings first when times are tough. I think you know the answer to whether he really is a husband, a father, a lover, a rock for you and your child(ren).

'After the conversation about abortion he said if we ever split up he will kill me before I take dd away from him, and that's when he is stone cold sober. I have to get out. very soon'

Read back through your posts. They tell you all you need to know.

Please don't stop posting. Many women on here could have told you that the most difficult part of what you are going through at the moment wasn't going to be leaving, but facing the crocodile tears, the pressure, the manipulation later. That's what it is, you know. MANIPULATION.

Keep posting. Can you go to your parents, just for a bit, and think? And talk to them? They know what's going on, they must be out of their minds with worry (imagine if this was your little one, considering returning with her own child to a man who had hit her, pushed her, tried to force her into an abortion).

Can your parents come up to go with you for the ERPC? Having him there (gloating inside, but with a sorrowful look on his face) - will that really help you?

Call your parents and talk to them.

God yes that's a better idea - could you go to where they live and have the eprc there, with your mum holding your hand? Your dd would be safe there too.

So sorry to hear your sad news rocky, that must make things 100 times harder and you must need someone to go through this with. It doesn't have to be him though, if it's possible I would def try to be near your parents now for a while. I dont know what your relationship with them is like but imagine if it was your own daughter in years to come. I'm sure you'd bend over backwards to help so don't be afraid to ask them.

I just wanted to ask if you'd confronted him about hitting you, and if so what did he say? That was the main reason you left so he needs to be told that it is TOTALLY unacceptable to hit you (or anyone) Has he actually apologised for that?

I'm sure you've considered going back to him and of course the decision is yours. But don't feel ashamed to post because everyone is genuinely concerned and worried about you. I've been thinking about you all week and wondering how you are.

Take care and look after yourself
X x

Oh darling . How awful. I'm so sorry.

I left it a few days after I came to the refuge before I called him. He apologised then and said we could have the baby together and that it's wrong being apart because we have two little ones that need us both. I told him he seriously needs to work on his problems first then I will give it some thought but not right now. Do you think it's sending out the wrong signal meeting up with him and him coming with me to the hospital? It's his baby too. Can't we support each other without us being together?

I just worry that you're feeling really vulnerable right now and it may be easier for him to coerce you to take him back.

Darling, he's hit you. More than once. He will again. Your daughter will grow up thinking it's normal for men to hit but that it's okay if they say they are sorry.

You poor thing you sound so hurt and confused.

Be certain it is unlikely that he will ever change, things/he might be different in the short term but they will slip back to what they were.

I understand your reluctance to break up your "family" it is a big decision to make but you have taken the first step.
Don't let him get under your skin again you are in an emotionally vulnerable state.Please go to your family, you are really in no fit state to make decisions about "going back"
You need time and calm to get your head together and to "heal" a little.
In my opinion your body/hormones don't settle down for at least 3-4 months after a miscarriage.
Give yourself some calm time away from him so any decisions you make are the right ones xxx

Oh my goodness :(

Please think of your dd - do you want her to grow up thinking that the way your ex treats you is normal? That that's how men treat women?

Or do you want what happened to me and my mother to happen between you and your dd? My mum stayed with an utter wanker for years. It drove a huge wedge between the two of us - I couldn't forgive her for allowing herself to be treated that way.

Please stay away from him.

I am thinking of dd, that's why I left

Oh I know, rocky. But you sound like you're wavering (which is utterly understandable given the circumstances).

Rocky, as you said before you know what the response here will be. You know that if you give him half an inch he'll take a mile, and you know your DD deserves better than a miserable mum who is abused to model herself on.

All I can do is wish you all the strength in the world and hope it is enough.

You are worth so much more than this.

"Do you think it's sending out the wrong signal meeting up with him and him coming with me to the hospital?" Well yes, but more importantly you are putting yourself in a very vulnerable position.

"It's his baby too." He wanted you to abort this baby.

"Can't we support each other without us being together?" Well you can support him. But is actually he supporting you, or trying to make you do what he wants? He's not, he's manipulating you, he's just using a new tack.

You've done so well, I'm so proud of you for getting away in the way you did. It took me years to get that far. I believed the tears and the apologies and felt like I owed it to my ex to give him another chance. From the outside now I can see how warped that was, I didn't owe him anything. And it didn't get better, apart from periods when it seemed better on the surface, it got much worse overall. It was such a waste of several years of my life, you are at risk of wasting many years of yours, and crucial years in your daughter's life that will shape who she is as a person. Please don't spend those years in an abusive relationship.

The reason so many women here are so strong in their opinions, is that's it's so familiar, it really is like abusive men like that are following some kind of script. Abusive men follow very similar patterns of behaviour, and your exH's actions are textbook, including his apologies now. I'm afraid it doesn't mean he's changed, far from it.

As mentioned above, don't forget he said "'After the conversation about abortion he said if we ever split up he will kill me before I take dd away from him, and that's when he is stone cold sober. I have to get out. very soon'".
A decent man would never, ever say that.

rocky if you were my friend I'd give you a big hug and take you and your DD in until you were ready to get on your feet. I wish I could!
Are you sharing this with anyone in RL?

Rocky, keep thinking of your DD, and stay the fuck away from this man. Seriously.

You've done so well. You've been amazingly brave to get out, to put her first. Keep strong.

Please, you've spoken to your parents, they know the score - let them help. Go and be with them.

Best of luck, I'll be thinking about you.

Rocky, I'm so sorry to hear about the baby.

Some good advice up there, so I won't add to it. Just sending you lots of hugs and best wishes. xx

This man was happy to shove you around while you were pregnant.

This man was happy to tell you to abort your child.

Why will he not hit you again? What reason does he have not to?

What happens if you accidentally fall pregnant again?

Hi Rocky,
Just wanted to say, hope you are ok after today, no matter how you got through it.
Take your time to try to recover both physically and emotionally. I know it must be so hard with this rain of expectation and advice raining down on top of you. Go with your instinct, you are vulnerable now. Accept any help from the refuge. I know your (ex?)H was probably with you today. Don't let him alone be your one 'support system'.
Let others in too. The refuge will help you, even if you go back which I hope you dont.
Take care of yourself xxx

I meant even if you go back 'home' which I hope you dont xx

Thought I would let you know I have decided to give him one last chance. I know you will all think I'm mad but the last couple of days he has been my rock. I couldn't have got through it without him and I owe it to him to give it another try. For now we will be living apart but I've said if he can prove to me he can stop drinking (he says he hasn't touched a drop since I left) then we can take it from there. Of course I'm hurt at some of the things he has said and done but he is genuinely sorry and we both still love each other so I think we have a chance.

Rocky - how many chances have you given him though. I dont think this is the 1st. I have heard it all before TBH. He will do all he can for a few weeks then start again.

Hopefully you will find the strength to leave him in the future. The only person this is damaging is your DD. I am speaking from experience and have 1 dd who has been affected by the situation i was in. The other 2 not so.

You are an adult and you can make your own choices, but your DD cannot. Please keep her safe.

Also, is there a chance he is being "your rock" now because you have lost the baby, and he's gotten what he wants?

I will be thinking of you and hoping that you are all right.