How red are these flags?

[OBlimey]

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

• Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only

• Starting to talk about children on third date

• Blows hot and cold

• Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice

• Any disagreement means silent treatment

• Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?

• Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?

• Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

My gut feeling, insecure man who rushes into relationships, cheats for excitement/ego boost when they get settled - cant cope with grown up relationship.

You are currently an exciting challenge, he will feel very pleased with himself/its will be an ego boost for a small time if he "gets" you - then when you expect him to behave like a responsible adult he will bore and you will be "crazy" too

Its up to you if thats what you are looking for but dont be surprised if its goes pear shaped - if you have children I wouldnt allow them to become attached to this man.

I may be wrong - but if I were in your situ I wouldnt bother!!

Crazy exes is another one, as you know. Of course some people really do have crazy exes (I have one!). Maybe he's just bad at picking them. Or maybe he drove them mad.

I'm actually laughing out loud at these replies..

My friends caught him out when he tried to imply he played polo ( one of my friends actually does) and the double barrel thing makes them laugh.

Hard to lose....yes, like a boomerang always comes back if thinks I am going for good, usually saying hey I'm cool with being friends, then things go back to normal, I thought maybe it was me as I'm not ready for a relationship perhaps.

I have also noticed if I pull away he comes running, but when I am happy and want to see him and think everything is fine he backs off

Weird to describe

OBlimey - The biggest red flag for me is that you're posting here.

If you knew in your heart it was right, you wouldn't be asking.

Sorry!

oblimey,

re your comment:-
"Have tried to bin a few times but he keeps coming back, and I know I am vulnerable at the moment as still a bit on the rebound".

Aha. You were and remain ideal prey for such a man. He coming on strong to you so soon after your relationship ended was another red flag amongst many. Such controlling men as well do not let go of their victims easily, you need to be careful and use the police if he continues to harrass you if you completely break off the relationship.

Another red flag is how he speaks about his ex's. Note it is without exception bad. I am certain that if you were to speak to them about him, their protrayal of him would not be at all complementary.

He sounds like a t*! Run for the hills!!!!!!

Not so much one red flag as all of them are. I'm struggling to see where he can have any good points, as they must all be offset by the bad ones.

He's not worth another moment of your time.

I think it's my ex!
He's 42, we're not divorced yet, but he would lie about that.

Every single thing you said my husband did early on.
I wish to God I would have backed out then

Abusive, selfish, liar.

Seriously, listen to yourself

"I have also noticed if I pull away he comes running, but when I am happy and want to see him and think everything is fine he backs off."

Absolutely classic I'm afraid has he read the textbook?

Seriously though he is clearly very bad news and I think you would be best advised to get rid of him asap and refuse any further contact.

Where's that "how to spot a loser"

Exhausted I think he is divorced, know they are separated, O dear!!!!!

Did your friends also think your ex slightly odd?

This thread is making me weep with laughter, but feeling better about things

Mooncup, what textbook?!

Is there any way he could just be a typical bloke but a bit controlling and insecure, I don't know?

FWIW I distanced myself a while ago as I thought it was hard work, but then he said he was depressed and stressed so I felt bad and we got back together

Here, exhausted.

"Is there any way he could just be a typical bloke but a bit controlling and insecure, I don't know?"

No, he is not a typical bloke, emotionally healthy individuals do not behave like this and at heart you know this. Your current man is the typical bog standard abusive type of person who actually hates women.

One word: GOODBYE.

For someone who hates women though he always seems to want one, as a wife or a live in partner?

Is that normal?

'Is there any way he could just be a typical bloke'

Err, either I'm a bit weird or the answer is 'NO' and you need to meet some more blokes.

Seriously - you are trying to convince yourself that what everyone says just might not be right. Just remember that MN is the Oracle and you don't need to think about it any more. HTH.

And I think he likes women, can be very charming, but doesn't like overweight women or women who drink etc which I thought was a bit mmmmm

I'm half thinking I'm painting a black picture and half thinking he's good looking, wealthy guy who can't keep a GF, what does that say about him!!!!!

Shall print this out and keep next to phone.

The loser article is rather disturbing TBH.

Ah, 'wealthy' , 'good looking', now I get it

I have to agree with everyone else I'm afraid. He's said he loves you - but do you love him? It doesn't sound like it from your posts. It sounds like you're flattered by his attention and you want the relationship to work when in fact it's all a bit awkward and confusing. He sounds like the kind of guy who in the long term will be quite petty and childish and who might seek to control you. Describing his exes as "crazy" is a huge red flag in my book - all that says to me is that they tried to reason with him and turn things around and he just branded them as loonies until they were forced to leave him. In his eyes they were crazy for ever thinking there was anything wrong or for trying to have any control in the relationship.

Time to get rid I think. Sorry.

Oblimey - For someone who hates women though he always seems to want one, as a wife or a live in partner.

he want's one.... as a PET. Not as an equal, not as a partner, as a possession, someone to control.

I'm glad Annie linked to the losers checklist, I was slapping myself silly with all the red flags you were revealing.

Take this from me, on my DS very life, the man you are involved with is a VERY BAD MAN. Absolutely no good will come of it EVER. You can not fix him, you can not save him, he ought to have REJECT stamped large on his forehead, because the only thing he is fit for is the dump.

The good at sex thing? very common in abusive men - think they learn from porn.. the satisfaction is about their performance, not intimacy/closeness to you. It's one of the hooks they will use to keep you locked into them.... while they systematically destroy your self esteem and personality until you hand over all reason and control of your own life.

This guy is not a typical bloke, he could literally be the death of your life as you know it. Get out NOW.

He's a typical abusive bloke. When you can't see him, he punishes you.

He likes to have a woman on his arm, he doesn't like them to be real people with their own lives.

Of course any man who doesn't like overweight women is damned in my book.

OBlimey Please post back to say you're going to dump him. Threads like this one give me nightmares, honestly