How red are these flags?

[OBlimey]

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

• Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only

• Starting to talk about children on third date

• Blows hot and cold

• Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice

• Any disagreement means silent treatment

• Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?

• Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?

• Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

Well, v glad it's worked out so well.

I think your earlier idea about printing the thread out for a re-read, should you ever encounter future difficulties with this man, was a good one.

Hope all goes well with the new chap!

Just caught up with this thread. Sounds like you had a lucky escape but is all academic now that you have a new man anyway :). Is it the same man you mentioned earlier in the thread?

Yes should have listened a bit harder.

Getting sucked back in again and its wrecking new relationship.

I should know better by now.

You need to cut him right out of your life. Block and delete and do not engage.

Yes, talk to IT tomorrow

I don't know how its happned, but I am getting tense, irritated and stressed, since he started emailing, not sure why but not happy, even though his messages are nice etc

What's he saying?

He wants to see me, sorry for what happened, very stressed recently.

He sounded very down, so I wrote back, then he ignored, I worried etc and emailed again, then he was like o sorry all fine be great to catch up

WTF

You need to ignore and block and do not answer phone calls.

Now I am liking him again

Need a slap

Reeling you back in - i suggest you listen to these women you have no idea of what this man is capable of. If you let him have his way you will be back here in a few months asking for advice on how to leave him. HE IS NOT NICE HE IS ABUSIVE.

Jesus Christ, Oblimey. Can you not see that there are 300 messages on this thread, all of which have correctly predicted his behaviour so far? And what is the other thing that these messages are predicting?

That This Man Will Turn Abusive.

It took ten days for him to re-engage, after everyone said he would and you said he wouldn't. Then we all said that he was spinning a line wrt the new relationship and was trying to suck you back in and you said he wasn't. And he was.

And we have all said that This Man Will Turn Abusive.

Every time you try and disengage, he changes tactics so that 'you like him again', which is happening now. Oh, and which is exactly what all 300 messages have predicted.

These would be the same messages that keep saying This Man Will Turn Abusive.

There's no point telling someone 'I told you so', but when the main thing we're telling you hasn't happened yet AND WILL, INEVITABLY, if you keep on seeing him, then it's worth one more try.

Ready?

THIS MAN WILL TURN ABUSIVE

oblimey

Your bad penny ex is already abusive. Such men hate women actually.

Your relationship radar is so badly askew so you become vulnerable to the attentions of abusers. Such men take full advantage of both your emotional vulnerability and naiveity.

You wrote previously that you've had a sheltered life; that however, is no excuse for ignoring the red flags and being flippant with regards to this dangerous charming ex lover. You perhaps subconsciously think you can can change him and make him better, wrong on all counts by the way if you think that. He will hurt you physically in the end as well as mentally; infact that mental process to reel you back into his mad and dysfunctional world is already well underway.

What did you learn about relationships from your own parents?.

This man is a master manipulator and is playing you like a violin. You play along with this at your peril.

If you keep getting drawn back in you will wreak your own life by virtue of your poor own relationship choice. Such abusers take years to recover from.
You haven't seen the half yet of what he is capable of and he is playing you very well; all his tactics are textbook abuser ones. He will systematically destroy you emotionally in the end and will enjoy watching you being destroyed, you will become a shadow of your former self and become afraid of your own judgment.

OBlimey

WTF are you playing at? Listen to yourself! He makes you stressed and anxious, that's not liking someone, that's being manipulated by someone. He's following the script to the letter and you still want to let him suck you in...fine. Your choice.

Ever since my abusive first boyfriend I described upthread, that 'stressed and anxious' feeling has been my cue to run a mile. I met a guy recently who claims to have fancied me for ten years (supplied credible facts!) and is way way OTT in his 'liking' of me. I felt stressed and anxious, so I will not see him again. Simple as that. You need and deserve a relationship that makes you feel calm and happy! Maybe your new guy isn't that, but old guy sure as hell isn't.

Oblimey - you seem unconcerned and flippant about the way this man is treating you and acting towards you.

That worries me. A lot.

Good luck OBlimey. I really, really, for your sake hope that we are all wrong.

You can't say you weren't warned.

He sounded very down, so I wrote back, then he ignored, I worried etc and emailed again, then he was like o sorry all fine be great to catch up

You writing back twice while he ignored you....that is incredibly manipulative of him.

Please listen to what people are telling you.

Been lurking on this thread a while here but have avoided the temptation to add my pennies worth but I'm compelled to give my piece to you now.

You are being extremely naive. I have known a man like him in the past, he is a text book loser with a capital L! This man thinks he owns you and is playing mind games with you. You are denying it because you really like to think that deep down, he is a nice guy who is just heartbroken. All this rubbish that he is emailing you is clearly to manipulate you into thinking that he's the victim of injustice at your hands. You are therefore responding to these manipulative emails by being all nice back to him again and the cycle starts all over again. Google "idealise devalue discard".

Do not give him any reason, any chance to tempt you. It will mess your mind no end and any self respect you have left he will erode to dust.

It's called hoovering.

Please get out of this situation: it doesn't matter how wealthy or charming (both desirable but not essential characteristics anyway) a man is if he is also manipulative and makes you feel bad.

Don't think there is any point op isn't coming back we haven't told her what she wants to here bet shes with him now but i reckon she will be back in a few months or a year.

hear

I've read this entire thread in one go and am shocked, given the warnings you've received, that you've allowed yourself to be sucked back in. Just read Tortoiseonthehalfshell's last post, it makes a lot of sense.

I'm a total lurker but had to post...

This has been the most frustrating thread I think I have ever read on MN..OP continually responding with ....'I'm laughing so much....' 'Your replies are so funny...'

OMG! OP listen to these women who have so much experiance are saying, they are actually correctly predicting his every move.

At least show people the respect of taking the situation seriously.

If you are going back to him for the ego boost (something that I did in a similar situation) invest in yourself...new hobbies, time with friends and family, taking pleasure in small things..your self esteem will increase to a point that you won't need bad attention obvious advice but it works.

Op - Probabably wasn't serious with half the stuff otherwise she wouldn't of found it so amusing - i know i never when i realized about my p now exp.