How red are these flags?

[OBlimey]

Just started dating someone again after some time on my own after end of a long term relationship.

Met someone a few months ago, but having a few doubts/niggles and not sure if I am being paranoid.

These are the issues...

• Divorced twice at 42, possible cheating on his part, both marriages a few years only

• Starting to talk about children on third date

• Blows hot and cold

• Hates making plans in advance but likes me to be around with little notice

• Any disagreement means silent treatment

• Caught him out in a few lies, not even big ones but there was just no need?

• Likes to big himself up? Not sure why, and appear more well to do than he is?

• Seems to like being in control if that makes sense

Other silly things but I am getting very wary!

Other than that a great guy but reading these boards I am getting jittery

No, honestly, I didn't REALLY think so. My life's been pretty normal and sheltered as well. The bf wasn't violent and it was only a fleeting thought, more like a joke to myself.

But it did make me think I didn't really know him and made me realise he was a bit weird!

btw, I know that a lot of women on these threads experience DV, and feel genuinely threatened. This is no laughing matter and I don't want my post to be taken the wrong way. But I did identify with that 'is he driving me somewhere to kill me' as a red flag, even though our relationship had seemed completely 'normal'.

We were going to a restaurant and bf went a weird, long route. I though wtf, felt odd about it and it made me realise I didn't feel comfortable and safe with him. He was a bit of a weirdo.

Sometimes it's the smallest thing that can make you wake up and realise you need to cut your losses.

The guy you describe has lots of big and obvious red flags - slagging off exes etc. The posturing is a 'small' thing, but it's what it says about him that counts.

Like others on here, I'm uncomfortable with the 'forceful sex' thing as well. I don't think he's a rapist, but he seems to see you as a sex object. In some ways, quite flattering at the beginning of a relationship.

Later on, a potential nightmare.

I think the fact that you had to ask the question gives you the answer...

Good luck getting rid!

Why is the "sex" thing a potential nightmare later on...just out of interest?

red flags are flying,... early symptons of a controlling abusive partner, i should know... been there, and stupidly again still there... all the traits you have described are tell-tale signs. Be careful and get out quick.

I lurked on this thread when first posted and this chap is doing exactly what other posters warned you he would do! He's left it what, 10 days? and is back in touch wanting to be 'friends'...
Don't reply!

So he's well off his he? I am feeling pretty sure there is quite a web of well hidden debt behind this man, I could be wrong of course.

Why doesn't he move on? Men like this see in someone qualities they want for themselves often (could be on an unconscious level) - he probably wants your relaxed attitude, your, "I couldn't give a toss if I'm going to something not cool" - yet they for some reason they need to destroy it when they get it and bring you down. The pulling you back for sex when you are showered and ready to go out might feel fun and passionate now, but at some point you realise that it has always become his way and it is just not worth the moods and the struggle to go the play that you want to go to, to walk the way that you want to walk, to see your friends who he will complain about as he senses their disapproval. I bet you can't imagine it now, how you, an independent, self-sufficient person could be broken - yet it happens.

As for the ex contacting you. There's clearly something wrong here. Perhaps she was not actually yet an ex, perhaps she is trying to make sense of what happened to her, perhaps she wants to warn you about an STD, perhaps it is something financial. Even if she is a bit "batty", why did she end up like that?

"Never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
Clementine Paddleford

I would contact the ex and hear what she has to say.
Why can't you block him on your workplace e-mail?

Earlier poster was right, would probably only have gone back for the sex, but it brings too many issues!.

Blocking at work means involving IT

"i need to block emails from my ex, he's pestering me. Can you do that for me? Here's his addy."
Simples :)

I am sure they would understand. Many women are stalked at their workplace.
Is there no way you can put a filter on it yourself?

Blocking emails is usually very easy, even I can do this at work, using Outlook and the Rules facility. I have simply chosen the email address and applied the relevant rule (in my case I was trying to get them forwarded to my assistant while I was on holiday), and the list does include one for deleting all emails sent from any particular address. You don't need to involve your IT unless things start escalating.

Please listen to these good ladies here. I don't have the unfortunate experiences they have gained, but having read this board for some time, even I can see the patterns that emerge.

Best wishes to you.

If you keep him around for booty calls, it may encourage him to think there is more to it. He has told you he is looking for number 3, and he may feel you led him on. Plus he will think you do not mean what you say.

Of course it is up to you, but maybe you could go out with this other fellow whom you mentioned, as well as a few others? Play the field a little, see who else is out there. You shouldn't have all this worry and drama!

Didn't answer because I've been away from my computer for a couple of days. Eurostar describes why the attitude to sex is a potential nightmare later on - fun and passionate at the beginning, but basically shows he puts his own needs first, thinks you are at his disposal for his pleasure when he likes. Not good.

Hi,

Think we may have misjudged him actually, told him I had met someone else and he couldn't have been nicer, would like to meet up as friends and seems actually happy for me.

I now think I was being slightly paranoid x

No. Just No.

Don't meet him. Do not go there.

Just ignore ignore ignore.

Hi,

Thanks for replying, but I know him and he seems genuinely happy for me, so I think all ok, and as I like to end on good terms I am pleased too.

Think maybe storm in teacup

Let us know in a few months how deluded and naive you were...

No I know him, I have met someone else, if he was going to be horrid now would be the time, but pleasantly surprised and I misjudged him I think, new guy is lovely tho taking it very very slowly

Good luck Oblimey. Genuinely pleased for you

Thank you x

Just found & read through your thread [nosey bastard emoticon] and oh no. Don't fall for it.

It's. A. Line.

See, he's got what he wanted i.e. attention (these tosses are like stroppy toddlers: ANY attention is good). Now, what's the next thing he wants? Hmm. Is it:

a) agenda-free drinkies with a happy, independent woman he has no prospect of a relationship with
b) to see another of his "psycho" exes with another man.
c) more mind-fuckery, possibly in revenge for you messing him about (which you have NOT been doing, but that's how he'll see it), to teach you a lesson.

What do you reckon?

Er, none of above, he said how stressed he had been at work, how tired he was, but how happy he was I had met someone, no agenda

I think I over reacted, hes a normal guy

And congratulations on new bloke!

Just hope the weirdo stays gone, is all.

And I am not being flippant, hes an attractive guy, wealthy charmimg etc

No need to do that at all