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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 19/07/2011 11:50

There is a time and a place and this thread isn't it. Everyone on here as or has had feelings for someone that really they shouldn't and this thread is to post on rather than to contact the other person. No one is encouraging anyone to shag someone else's man and we all want to stop all contact and completely move on. We are all trying to find a way with living with feelings we have.

I don't see anyone who is deluding themselves and no one is enjoying feeling like this.

We are all trying to help each other and we are all speaking plainly but don't see the need to pick on, belittle or bully any one. We know we are all hurting and are wanting to stop.

People who have had husbands who can't keep it in their pants can not empathise with us on this thread and have nothing useful to add.

ilovemyteddy · 19/07/2011 12:36

FreakoidOrganisoid's post at 9.49 today is spot on. Unfortunately there are some posters who seem to make a habit of criticising other posters who, having done the 'wrong thing' are now trying to do the right thing.

Having a reality check and plain speaking does have its place when someone is trying to move on from an affair, but so does a sympathetic ear and support from people who have been in the same situation. There are many DW on MN who have had invaluable support from other DW. Why should that support not be available to OW? The pain of NC is real, regardless of whether it is 'self-inflicted' and a possible cause of pain to others.

Aislingorla - you mentioned 'vile comments' about the DW of someone's OM. I seem to remember you making 'vile comments' about your DH's OW on another thread. Not to mention the character assassination and personal attack that you and others made on WWIFN - a longtime poster who has helped countless DW on here, as well as having empathy for OW like myself - a vile attack which caused her to leave MN.

Pot, kettle, much?

OMG I have PM'd you.

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/07/2011 14:37

Oh, Aislingorla - it was you, was it? The reason that WWIFN left? Nice work Hmm

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 15:13

Calm down ladies!

Of course I made vile comments about my DH's ow, ilovemy,she tried to take him away! What do you want me to do? Ask her round for dinner? Introduce her to the kids? Warped thinking on your part yet again !

Abby, it took a bit more than me to get rid of When, I'm not that powerful!Think she also realised she had overstepped in a few cases.

Thanks for your support lemmon.

Ok all, go back to 'supporting' each other now!

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/07/2011 15:27

Ha. So you come on this thread and slag everyone off, and then when anyone says anything back to you, you tell everyone to 'calm down' Grin

I love it when that happens.

baguettecut · 19/07/2011 15:40

Knock the condescending tone on the head, Aisling, and you'd be helping yourself.

See, 'advice' works both ways.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 15:50

I didn't slag everyone off, only the self deluding ones.
Ahem....I think you all need to go back to supporting each other now.
Ironic,really? Turning on the 'wife'(by proxy) because you can't accept the reality of your situations. It's not my fault you were rejected.
(Really, you (recent posters) are encouraging me, I love an argument!

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 15:53

..and I love the way 'ilovemy teddy' joins in and add her 2p when she's secure lots will agree with her.
Watch out, she'll start swearing and throwing personal insults next.

baguettecut · 19/07/2011 16:16

It's quite clear you love an argument.

This is NOT the thread for you. It's not anyone's fault here your husband had an affair. And, actually, you know nothing of anyone's lives here apart from a few posts. It's incredibly rude to join a thread such as this and start to throw your weight around.

There are far more appropriate threads for you to join where you will be made very welcome.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 19/07/2011 16:21

Actually Aisling most of us on here weren't rejected. We did the rejecting. And it's nobody on here's fault that your DH had an affair. I get you need someone to blame and I have to say everyone on here has treated you fairly respectfully so far. Now leave us to be self deluded on our own. Thank you.

OP posts:
Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 16:27

None of us really know each others stories, we only know what posters choose to tell. Therefore, it is one sided.

The general message for anyone considering an affair with a married person is to back off and if they really want you they will leave their relationship.
Don't let someone use you. Work on your self esteem.

Now,baguette, stop encouraging me and use your knowledge and experience to help those that need it on this thread!

RubyPink · 19/07/2011 16:34

You have a rather warped view Aisling, just because someone has an affair doesn't necessarily mean they are being 'used', even if that's what your DH told you

AbbyAbsinthe · 19/07/2011 16:38

Your bitterness and insecurity over your relationship are leaking all over this thread, Aislingorla. I'm sorry for what happened to you - but I genuinely don't understand why you can't find somewhere else to spill it.

And for the record, I'm not on this thread apart from commenting to you. I have been involved in the no contact thing, but neither I or my ex were married - so I have a genuine interest in how these ladies are doing. Unlike you.

baguettecut · 19/07/2011 16:43

You're doing a wonderful job of convincing us all that wives are slightly hysterical. Thankfully I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because wouldn't it be VERY wrong to tar everyone with the same brush?

Just sayin' .......

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 16:43

Well, support them then!

baguettecut · 19/07/2011 16:45

I'm with you, Abby. It's wrong to assume.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 16:56

All wives?
Maybe some betrayed ones are!
I am angry because I was hurt (anger being a secondry emotion) It takes time to heal and trust again, I am getting there.
Affairs are very destructive, they wreck lives. I'm glad my kids never found out (my choice) because they would heve lost respect (albeit temporarily) for their male role model.
Some of the posters (some, remember, not all)on this thread.
Before this happened to me, I was much more forgiving of people who have affairs. And maybe one day I will be again.

runningbarefoot · 19/07/2011 17:01

Yes, Aislingoria, you are right, no one knows the full details of anybody's situation and it is inappropriate for you to be so judgemental of others when you don't know the full facts. No one has made judgements as to why your husband CHOSE to have an affair. You might be best to deal with the reality of your situation rather than release your anger and frustration here. I am sure that there are many who will support you elsewhere but I get the feeling that this thread is not helping you. And despite you saying that you find it amusing, which I don't think you are, there must surely be other ways of getting your entertainment.

baguettecut · 19/07/2011 17:10

With respect, Aisling, we are not a clan of 'LiLo Lils' from Bread. (without wishing to be flippant). We are intelligent, breathing, feeling women. It's just so disrespectful to come to THIS thread and throw veiled insults.

You know nothing about me, or anyone really, and, I have to say, there are thousands of wives on Mumsnet whose husbands have had affairs, they have recognised that this thread isn't for them.

I'm not sure what you're looking for here, apart from argy bargy, I won't 'stoke' you again (predominently because I have my exercise class) but it's proving to be pretty fruitless.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 17:14

I know why he chose to have his affair. (lots of reasons/faults on both parts) We decided to work at it and put it right.

What I don't get is what makes women 'come in on a marriage'. I suppose my expectatios of female solidarity are too high.
When I was in my 20's married men coming onto us were seen as a pathetic joke and just seemed desperate. So we'd (friends and me) laugh and run a mile.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 17:21

I was just curious to see into the thinking of the ow, really. Is it really a case of 'them and us'? Sadly, I think it is.
Didn't really intend to cause so much 'argy bargy'. I hit lots of sensitive spots, sorry.

ilovemyteddy · 19/07/2011 17:25

"and I love the way 'ilovemy teddy' joins in and add her 2p when she's secure lots will agree with her.
Watch out, she'll start swearing and throwing personal insults next."

Aislingorla I joined this thread having only just seen it, after a MNetter who is also a RL friend mentioned it to me.

When I saw your post calling someone out for her 'vile' comments about her OMs DW I decided to post to let others on here know what a hypocrite you are, and that you are applying double standards when you think it is fine to insult your DHs OW, but not fine for and OW to 'insult' a DW.

And I find it highly amusing that you accuse me of only posting when I know that people will agree with me, when that is exactly what you did on the threads which personally attacked WWIFN. She hasn't left because she 'overstepped'. She left because of the vitriolic PERSONAL attack on her made by some Mnetters including yourself.

I don't need to throw out personal insults about you - you are managing to alienate the people on this thread all on your own.

And I'm not the sweary one - that's Anyfucker

Aislingorla - please go back to supporting other DW who are going through what you went through, and allow us OW to do the same on this thread.

Oh, and don't bother to post 'well support them then'. That support was very much in evidence before you came along and derailed the thread.

TheOriginalFAB · 19/07/2011 17:26

Some women on here might not have known that the man was married when they started having any relationship or contact.

FreakoidOrganisoid · 19/07/2011 17:43

But there is no "the OW", ow are people, individuals just like everyone else. Everyone's situation is different. I don't see it as "them and us". I've been a wife, one day I'd like to be a wife again. Unfortunately I also started to become the OW (though ended it before it became a full blown affair). It was in no way a case of me saying he's in a relationship let me hit on him, it was a friendship that got too close. Gradually so I didn't even realise it was happening. That's no excuse for it, but it is how it happened.

I'm sure there are women who deliberately hit on married men, I'm sure there are women who think having an affair is big and clever and who mock the wife, I'm sure there are women who don't see anything wrong with affairs, I'm sure there are women who see it as a game or challenge to try and 'win' someone elses man. But the people who post on this thread, as far as I have seen, are not that.

Aislingorla · 19/07/2011 18:04

You are easily 'derailed' ilovemy.

The fact is the wife has more reasons to slag off the ow because she had an affair with HER husband. It is not an equal playing field.The ow (and the H,more so) is in the wrong here. Whatever has happened in the marriage, it is still a marriage untill they separate.

You really need to clarify/rationalise your thinking.

Yes, Freak, I agree with your last post.