The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

So many things I have read on here ring bells with me. I have had so many false starts but now there is no way of ever going back and I know it will be for the best.

Good luck everyone.

evening Fab

think of it as emotional drug addiction, you are going through withdrawl, the pain will pass and you will then be free and at peace

if you have a shot it will be temporary relief, you know that, but get back on and continue

Hmmm just had a bit of an epiphany here! The reason his reply said all that I wanted him to say was because I fed that to him in my message. I asked him if he cared about hurting me or if it had meant something ... so all he did was use those words!!! And I thought it was a sign he felt the same way when in fact he was just too lazy to think of a message himself :(
Hope everyone is ok and nobody has had to set the clock back yet!!!

Just checking in. It would be nice to post here whenever we feel tempted to make contact, instead of actually doing so just venting here instead might prove really cathartic.

I thought I was the only one who woke in the night and checked emails I think it's like the rat/food experiments, when they trained rats to look for food in certain places or situations of by pressing levers. If for however long, there has been emails on checking, it's very hard to then stop looking for your 'reward', even if you know logically there is going to be nothing there.

I haven't blocked mine, I can't bear to. I need to delete all his texts from my phone soon and I'm dreading it. I almost feel like buying a new phone and putting the sim card in there so I won't ever have to go through them. I think I saved almost every text from him, spanning almost a year

I'm also planning to have my IUD taken out, had it fitted when we were together, and although it's a copper coil my PMS has been atrocious since I've had it, and I'm lethargic all the time. Some googling revealed it's not just me... So we'll see if that helps with how I'm feeling. Can't wait to get it out! There is a small part of me that I'm aware of that is hoping having it taken out will be like tempting fate, i.e as soon as it's gone he'll turn up on my door step - part of the reason I ended things was because we were long distance and his personality/mental health issues meant he was never bothered/able to plan about coming to see me. Tempting fate in a way that gets him to turn up here is, well - tempting. But I'd be having it taken out anyway, I'm trying not to think about why I had it put in and how good it was between us or I'll spend all day crying.

Right, that's my rant for the morning, as you were

This is the first time I have sat down today (kids to school, quick food shop, washing on and 2 loads in the line, put the guinea pigs out, swept the kitchen floor, cleaned the sink, put the recycling away, tided the lounge and kitchen, made bread and sorted clothes) and only a few minutes ago I felt how happier I am when not thought about him .

Singout - deleting all his emails was the worse thing I've ever done. More painful than labour (and I don't do that well!!!). I had hundreds of emails and I read them all and sobbed as I pressed delete on each. I still lay awake sometimes thinking about what he said in them. Nobody has ever said that kind of thing to me before and I don't think they ever will again. But it drove me insane looking at them and reminiscing all the time. By doing them it was like he had died or maybe just my dreams did. I wish I had just asked a friend to do it, a close one who wouldn't have read them or looked at the photos just pressed the delete button for me. If you have someone who can do that for you then do so.
I know what you mean about temptation. But think you need to get the IUD out if it's causing you problems.
Stay strong :)

TheOriginalFab - oh how I long for that day. My youngest DC had me in floods of tears today. She asked me why I don't look at my phone and send messages anymore and smile while I'm doing it like I used to. Apparently I just look sad now. Out of the mouths of babes. And what a shockingly crap mother I am that she watched me doing that kind of thing in front of her. Feel very ashamed and very sad today :(

OMG, believe me this is about attempt number 10 but this time I have cut all means of contact so that is that. I do still think about him but I don't let myself wallow any more as it was just getting stupid.

You will get there .

Just a very quick one, as I'm working today and also very busy after school so won't have time to post again, which is good as it keeps my mind occupied.
Omg - your epiphany this morning, you are so right and well done for realizing this, I wish I'd thought of it myself!! I was doing exactly the same thing on Friday last week when I spoke to OM, by letting him know what I wanted him to say to make me feel better, he would never have just said those things unless I had directed the conversation in that way. That has given me more strength not to contact again now, as it is pointless trying to analyse what he may or may not have been feeling. I know its over and need to let go now. I told him I felt as though he'd died. I thought we could resume friends only contact but I know in my heart of hearts I wouldn't be satisfied with that, so need to carry on with NO CONTACT whatsoever.
I am lucky I have no texts or voicemails saved as I deleted them immediately after reading anyway, thank God, I can imagine how painful it is to re read them. Just delete, you will not regret it in the long run.

Understand this will make me very unpopular but I am the OW, although I am trying desperately hard not to be.

OM and I have been involved on and off for a very long time and in a last ditch attempt to get over him I moved away at the begining of the year. It is now impossible to see him (good) but I haven't managed to cut contact completely (bad).

I do the whole counting the hours/days since I heard from him and mark the days in my diary. For the past 4 weeks I haven't initiated contact (good) but I have responded (bad).

The whole situation messes with my head and I spend far more time thinking (having imaginary conversations) with him than is good for me.

We exchanged lots of texts on the weekend (following him rowing with me for trying to break contact) and he sent last text. Then phoned and I missed his call. I text him asking him to call me back and he said he would - that was 36hrs ago. I am desperately trying to resist the urge to text.

DreamingOfSnow - no I think you will find you won't be flamed here. I am not in a position to flame anyone :(
Sure you will find lots of support on here. Sounds like it has been a very stressful time for you, the urge to respond is huge I know!

Itsmeandmypuppy I'm with you, it does get easier, the thoughts fade, the feelings die down, there's room for other stuff.

It's the only way.

You're right the urge is huuuge. Whoever suggested a patch is needed was right!

I think I have just about got to the point where I wont initiate contact ( unless I've had wine ) but it is so hard not to respond when he tells me how much he loves/misses me.

It was me who said about the patch. Those kindmust be very hard not to respond to, mine are usually not pleasant but occasionally nice in a way that doesn't make sense. But no contact obviously the way to go!!!

The only way is to delete his number and don't have it written down anywhere.

Oh, don't get me started on emails! I must have over 800 between us in the last year. I'm never deleting them, but also don't feel compelled to look at them, oddly. I'm not re-reading texts either and don't want to, it just depresses me how he treated me and how he never understood the impact his behaviour had, not enough to be able to change it. The only reason I'm wanting to delete texts is because my phone is full Mainly full of stuff from him.

Oh god, I don't know. The night before last I was thinking along the lines that always led to me re-initiating or accepting contact previously; that is, that my life is so painful without him and I'm so unhappy/miss him so much, that anything would be better than this, even being in touch with him and him treating me like dirt.
I didn't give into the urges. I'm still musing on them, though - I don't how how to have purpose without being able to chat to him at the end of the day about what went on for both of us in our day. I loved talking to him so much. I hope I won't feel this sad always. I'm scared I might.

I vowed I would never post again on any of these threads but here I am, shedding a few tears reading all your posts.
I'm long-term married and I had an emotional affair with someone - also married - which ended last year. I last spoke to the guy 11 months ago and last saw him 15 months ago.
Since then there's been no contact on either side.
Only the other day I emailed a friend saying isn't it great I'm over him, I'm doing really well... I really felt that way at that particular moment.
Then today it all imploded. I've been looking at his photo on his company website and I miss him so much.
Despite everything I think about him every day.
I feel like SingOut says - "I'm so unhappy/miss him so much, that anything would be better than this, even being in touch with him and him treating me like dirt"
He didn't treat me well, strung me along and wouldn't tell me to my face he didn't want to see me any more. It made me ill after it ended.
I've been getting silly urges to text him using an old mobile so he won't know it's me but just to see if I get any reply.
I just want to say, hey how are you, thinking of you...
So instead I'm posting here
Thanks all for listening

I would feel happy and think I was strong enough to be friends but the minute I pressed send I was done for. It is over and I am relieved. Still sad we couldn't be friends though.

I'm so glad someone started this thread.... been too scared to post before now for fear of the flaming I thought I'd get....

I've been in love with my OM (I'm separated, he's still married) for 3 years, been having an affair for the last year - we work together, and he had said he would leave his wife for me... until I gave him an ultimatum - when he then said he just couldn't do it and had to stay and make it work with her (for financial reasons as well as his 2 children).

I've been doing no contact for the last 2 days - the longest we ever managed before was 3 or 4 days and I have tried to finish it many times in the last year because of the guilt of what we were doing, as well as him not always treating me well.... however, this time I'm determined.... its hard though - every time my phone bleeps with a text, my heart jumps thinking its him - even though I've told him its over!

I think he has a touch of passive aggressive about him, very self absorbed too. He also has ignored important/emotional things I've told him and it hurts! He always wanted to know what was going on in my head but never let me know who he really was.... would do things that upset me, then would ask me to tell him what he'd done wrong - but would never change! I'm done explaining and talking, giving everything to him etc.

The thing that has helped me the most to see the truth is the website www.baggagereclaim.co.uk. I swing between being almost suicidal with missing him, and being angry at him - this site is great for helping to keep you on track!

Anyway, thanks again, I never wanted to have an affair, and def didn't want to be the OW. We just have to stay strong and take each day at a time - and make the most of good friends! My best mate is being amazing at the moment, and she warned me this would happen right at the beginning!! : (( Oh well....

Hi ladies,
thought I would check in and see how we are all doing, well done all on no contact today. I have felt truly fantastic today, I hope I have turned a corner. my period also started today which made me realize that the day I gave in and contacted was PMT day, one week ago, so beware those hormones!

Wow, Blondie: "He always wanted to know what was going on in my head but never let me know who he really was.... would do things that upset me, then would ask me to tell him what he'd done wrong - but would never change! I'm done explaining and talking, giving everything to him etc. "

Mine was/is exactly the same. Immensely frustrating and draining behaviour to have to deal with, day in, day out.

I'm feeling sad now that my day is at an end, and I miss him. I did good today by keeping busy and doing little things for me. I also found a book in a charity shop that seemed heaven-sent. 'Is it love or is it addiction?' I think it's called. Great stuff. I read some at the kitchen table which is a particular pleasure of mine, reading there I mean. Made me realise how seldom these days I do something I actually enjoy; it's all just about getting through the day grimly with gritted teeth.

I suppose if our lives feel so empty without this other person in them, we essentially have three options:

1. Give up and go back to being in touch with them (which I've done so many times before and it always does my head in and makes me sobbing and slightly insane)

2. Be miserable forever and mope around thinking of them and missing them immensely. What I'm doing now, basically.

3. Start to be kinder to ourselves so that eventually, life has some merit even without them around. Like having a bubble bath, some chocolate, laughing with friends til it hurts, taking a walk somewhere beautiful, going on holiday, taking up a new hobby etc etc etc...
   Rather than relying on the other person to provide a completeness and happiness they were failing to really offer anyway, I guess the only other option apart from total searing abject misery and depression without them is... being happy.

I know it sounds really stupid but I've really only just now identified this as a possible 3rd option. I've felt for so long that there were only two options - the first two. :(
What has he done to me? Sheesh.

Yes Singout, I'm with you on that... what has he done to me?? its the whole giving myself and my emotions and love to him COMPLETELY with nothing but words in return.... he never even bought me a bunch of flowers in the whole time! I started saying this to him recently, before NC, and he said he couldnt buy me flowers, etc. because it would be like admitting he'd made the decision to leave.... then he did make the decision to leave, and still no flowers, etc!

He seemed to have made the decision to leave - I even have it in writing! but it didnt feel right how he was behaving - surely if someone makes a decision to be with you because they love you and know 100% how they feel about you, and their life is better because you're in it (FFS!!) they would be wanting to talk to you and make plans for the future, tell you what was on their mind, etc. Not him! He said he hadnt wanted to "burden" me with his problems! Tchyeah!

Anyway, I pushed him to tell me what was going on in his head, if he was making plans to leave what were they? He told me how much he thought it would cost him to leave her, but it would be ok as he owns two houses in Wales and the income from them would help in the future.... I said - do you not realise that even though they're in your sole name she is entitled to HALF of everything even if you own them outright! He didnt seem fazed by this at the time, but then started acting strangely a few days later - bear in mind we work together and see each other every day...

Anyway So, I gave him an ultimatum - stop faffing, and blowing hot and cold, stop torturing me and make the move, or don't and we'd end it once and for all.... he said he couldnt do it.... that he hadnt realised what was involved.... i.e. what he stood to lose! the rest is history I suppose! Its all shite isnt it!!!! : ((

p.s. lastly, when I said I wanted him to answer my questions as to how and why this has happened, why he did such a U-turn he said he would but not right then - we could talk in the lunch hour or after work the following Monday.... I said no, not long enough and it went into a text match back and forth.... where I asked him over and over why he's done this, why his words never matched his actions and over and over he avoided my questions....

He quite literally blew my fuses all at the same time, and I guess pushed me to my limit... the last few days, although I've been upset, mostly I feel numb, especially when I'm around him in the office.... the last text he sent me said "I've really fucked up haven't I??" I didnt answer that.... he knows the answer already....

I've been out of the office today and will be tomorrow too - so back on Friday - I know he can't understand why I'm not in a heap on the floor, but if I were to give in to that I just wouldnt be able to function, do you know what I mean? My way of coping when I'm around him is to be even more bubbly and jolly, happy and smiley than usual - even if I feel like I'm dying inside!

God, I hope this doesnt make me sound too selfish - I just was stupid and wanted to believe his words about how he loves me, etc and also that he is a good man in a bad situation.... : ( (all through the last year I've been saying to him he should forget about me and concentrate on making things work with his wife - go to counselling, start being nicer to her, take her away, do nice things for her, etc. and all he could say was he'd tried all that and she wasnt interested!) Gah!

So many sad stories but interesting how they all have the same theme! I know exactly how you all feel.
Had dinner with a very straight talking friend last night who told me some stuff that left me in pieces after she'd read the recent emails. She said he keeps telling me over and over that all he wants is to chat to me once every few months and just keep me dangling the rest of the time (obv he doesn't actually use those words!!!) and everytime he does I become this demanding hassling person begging for contact. I hate being that person but I know she's right. I hassle, he gets cross and has a go, I get cross back, he realises he's crossed a line and he might lose the toy he likes to play with from time to time so writes a nice one and presses all my sympathy buttons. I reply back in a sweet way and so the cycle starts again :( It's like torture. She says he probably hates me because I want too much but all I've wanted for the last few months is for him to man up and say he's had enough and never wants to hear from me again because I'm too weak to cut it myself. Or to actually be the friend he says he is, but that ain't ever gonna happen!!!!!