The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Sorry you've had a rough week FAB, you've been an inspiration on this thread. It always feels worse when you're run down yourself. I took your advice and did focus on DH last weekend/ this week, and it's working really well. Couldn't help but meet up with OM on Wed, but it's been quiet since then. Get better.

Everyone has blips. You have too really to make it all worth while.

.

oh I'm so glad I found this thread as I too need help with NC without being flamed...so my story is this: not had intimacy (emotional or sexual) with dh for years... went through a really bad time recently where I needed his support - and he didnt give it.. in fact he ignored what I needed and how ill I looked.. I guess that sent me seeking some attention/intimacy elsewhere...have met up with an OM three times now...the last two times we've had sex. He is married too, with kids as well. He's not looking to leave his family.. I don't want him to.. truly..the attention was wonderful at first..facebk chatting/texting multiple times a day.. he's gone much quieter now... sometimes now doesn't even answer my msges...which makes me feel crap. I'm going to point out all the things wrong here so I can see them in print myself:

1. He repeatedly lets me down..says he'll deliver and doesn't (meeting up, etc etc)
2. Last night, he came around (dh is away).. he stayed for 2 hours.. the first hr, we fucked.. it wasn't even that brilliant for me..at the end, he shot up and said he felt really guilty and needed space.. (lol.. I hadn't even come..), asked to go downstairs.. didn't want me to touch him..no cuddling afterwards or saying nice things..
3. He owes me £50 for a hotel booking.. and keeps saying he'll give it to me..and last nite..eventually gave me half..
4. He seems to want me in his life for HIS emotional needs.. to share things with..but as soon as I articulate mine, he distances
5. I stupidly sent him a text this morning asking if he was okay..he replied he was now (guess he must hv got his head around it all)..He never once asked if I was..:(

It's rubbish.. it really is.. I wanted someone to hold me, to say how fantastic I was (and of course he did all this at the start of the relationship) and now doesn't.. so I need to distance myself.. Please help me do this.. how do I stop ME contacting HIM.. do I delete his number from my phone? For those of you who are doing NC.. why haven't you done this?.. I don't want to defriend and block on facebk... I don't think I'm at that stage yet.. oh shit.. this is really hard..

badmove - you need to know that this will be really really tough. Everytime I think I've cracked it I mess up again. Although now I cant do anything but NC as mine has blocked me on FB and I suspect on his email account too.
Objectively you can see that this man is now making you feel crappier than you did in the first place. But only you can decide when enough is enough. I suspect you aren't quite "there" yet but when you are the ladies on this thread will be so much help :)

Thanx omg.. can anyone tell me how to shift to getting 'there' of my own accord?? I would so much more prefer to do this than let him disempower me by initialising fcebk/text blocking...Are there particular strategies anyone invoked to do this..to empower yourselves??

If it has run its course and you can't get what you need from him then tell him you've made a mistake and it has to stop. Of course that's only if that's how you feel. For fucks sake don't tell your DH but do talk to him. You have to separate if the love has gone.

okay..so I have deleted his number from my mobile..and his last text to me.. so now there is no chance of me texting him in a drunken state this evening.. I have not yet blocked him from FBK.. I don't know why.. I wonder if it is all about regaining the upper hand so I feel more empowered..ie. if I block him from facebk, he can't initiate contacting me.. which I can then choose (and the choice is the empowering thing..almost like testing myself...) to ignore... does this make sense???

Empowering... upper hand.... testing.... to me that's all akin to game playing. If you want to stop the affair and have now decided to stop the affair that means the game and all game playing should be over.

You need to tell yourself that you are a strong woman and have made the correct decisions for you. Blocking his means of contacting you means you have a lot less decisions to make in the future... because you don't then have to decide whether to read anything he sends to you and you're not waiting for him to make any next move in his 'game'. 'Testing' yourself by ignoring or not his messages is great when you're feeling empowered but what about when you've had a bad day, a row with DH or the DC are being wearing? Would it still be so easy to pass your self imposed test then or would the temptation to escape into fantasy land win?

I think that's a really interesting post keynesian.. and I can see what you're saying and I can see that this is perhaps where ultimately I may like to be...but I'm wondering if we have different paths to it...For me, I also wonder if I can redefine him so he means less..I think I'm only able to think like this (outside of the situation IYSWIM) because I have moved on a bit.. a week ago, I was SO wrapped up in my needs for him that it would have been impossible to even contemplate this idea.. and so I feel like I'm getting there.. perhaps in a roundabout way...tonight I do feel like I'm moving forward. In fact, having deleted his contact number and texts earlier this evening, I have just received a text from him..I have deleted it without responding... I read it as him being slightly drunk..he's at a festival..with his mates.. feeling good and family-free... there has been a pattern to this behaviour and I am now recognising it for what it is..It is not about me.. it is about him feeling all is good with the world and everything is coming his way if you get my meaning. I haven't been tempted to play his game this time around. It MAY be hard when I feel weaker but I m hoping I m not going to be tempted once having redefined his importance in my life.. once havinfg reiterated to myself what an arse he is in his dealings with me.... you think I'm deluding myself don't you? ...

Badmove - I've been where you are now. I was going to take back control etc etc. It backfired. I ended up in a really bad place that I'm just now managing to scrabble my way out of. Keynesian speaks so much sense on this, you might think you can resist it but unless you are really strong you will get sucked in again. Sorry if I sound like the voice of doom on this! I think you need to tell him straight rather than leave him to wonder why you aren't speaking to him. End it, delete him, block him, walk away with your pride intact.

No I don't think you're deluded and you did the right and brilliant thing last night.

I just think (found in the past...) that it makes it easier if you don't have to battle with making the 'same' decision over and over again - if that makes any sense?

It also has the side effect that it removes the time you're thinking about him which has to be progress!

I completely lost the plot and texted but have had no reply and just feel pathetic. I suspect he has blocked me after I blocked him but I wish I knew for sure. Also our last convo wasn't great and had to be cut short immediately. I am so cross with myself as I have to start again now, he will think I still care and I wish I didn't care what he thinks of me, that is my biggest issue tbh.

Fab - you don't care what he thinks about you. Why should you, it's not relevant. Think of it as a little teeny tiny blip. In the scheme of things it doesn't matter. Look at how much I've messed up on mine!!! And ive just been told that I've turned into a complete nutter over this by one of my RL friends. My head is so screwed up, she's probably right!!!
Keynesian - care to share your story? I get the feeling you are speaking from experience on this!

Thanks omg. I am so annoyed at myself.

Hi everyone. I've been away for a bit because I fell off the wagon, but just today I ended it for good and I'm feeling a bit wobbly. I guess I just need a cheerleader.

Before I start, I just want to say I'm sorry you are having a bad time, FAB, you're such a support on this thread to everyone. Keep strong.

Okay...well, I posted about how OM and I resumed contact in March after a year apart, and then how it ended in a wood about four weeks ago?

Well, on Thursday the bugger opened up his fb profile again, and I lasted a whole 24 hours before messaging him.

I shouldn't have. Things were weird, he was whingey and trying to get me back on side, trying to push me back into the bit on the side role, when I naively was hoping we could be friends (idiot).

Anyway, on Friday night he messaged me "speak to you tomorrow, I hope" and then went completely awol. I know it sounds over the top, but I was so worried, because his parents are elderly and at death's door, he's not too good (coming off ADs), and I just was so worried. I didn't sleep last night, was checking fb every ten minutes...like a mad stalker.

Anyway, he popped up on fb this afternoon, and I messaged him, asking if he was all right, asking after his dad...he replied that he hadn't been feeling well.

I was furious. Too ill to let me know he'd be out of the loop?

It suddenly hit me, how much I'd invested in this tool. How I was wasting time worrying about someone who basically wanted me as a bit on the side, when I could have been spending that time with my dh and kids. I was even worrying about his dad, who'll never know I exist!

I told him all this, and his reply was that he was spineless for opening his fb page, it was time for him to fuck off out of my life forever, but as one last favour, could I please sort out my fb access to help him stop stalking me?

I'm afraid I told him to go fuck himself, he could practise some self-control for once, why should I make it easy for him as he never has for me.

I've never, ever spoken to him like that before. It was as though I wanted to put him off me once and for all.

I think it worked and

He left by saying "take care" and I replied "Take care? Like you give a fuck."

Seems sad. I loved him so much, once...

Of course, I closed my fb access and blocked him. But I did it for me, not him.

Tell me what I did was okay, someone, please...

Tell me I've done the right thing.

I can't tell you what you did was okay ... because it was bloody brilliant :D Huge round of applause from me, here have this too
you wised up before you went down that road again and took the wind right out of his sails!
I have had the crappiest day ever today and you have cheered me up :)

Fab - dont you dare be annoyed at yourself. Be annoyed at him but not at you. We all have blips, we're only human. And it's because we're kind and caring people that we are in this situation. If we were hard uncaring bitches we would have cut them loose and walked away - no regrets! Forget it, it's not even something to think about, you are doing just fine :)

I'm having a beer - I had the before I did it!

Feel a teensy bit bad. It was six of one and half a dozen of the other - but he was really pissing me about by the end.

Thanks, omg!

I even told a rl mate who missed the hint about I wanted to text him on a different phone. You guys are the only ones who understand.

I am so damn cross.

That is some fucked-up thinking you've got going on there OMG

If you were hard uncaring bitches you would have cut them loose?

What a load of bollocks. These men are trying to get away from you and commit to their marriages. If you really cared about them at all, you would respect that.

At least acknowledge the self-interest here

WELL SAID, sternface!
I should stay off this thread really, but what simply amazes me is the warped thinking of some of the posters.

Feel free to hide the thread. We are all aware of what we have done and are working through some difficult times. You can't say anything that will change how we feel.

Yes that's right we're all warped on here. Not really trying to do the right thing in a bad situation. And all the men involved are poor defenceless little creatures. I get that you see the other side of the situation I really do and have sympathy for you but I think you need to stay off here if you don't like what you read.

I intend to, but you need to be honest with yourselves. These men are pratts and weak, but also, simply not into you at all!
Pity their wives, move on and stop deluding yourselves.
No need for sympathy for me, my DH stopped all contact with the ow, concentrated on us and we're fine.

Come on ladies, get some self esteem FGS. I skimmed this thread out of curiosity before I realised what it was about.

Just so you know. I was married to a serial adulterer, who left me and the kids when i found out about his last affair. Not surprisingly, he then dumped the woman he was having an affair with, after they had broken up two families between them, and married someone else.

The OW did me a favour, by forcing me to get rid of someone who used to belittle and put me down, because he needed justification for his behaviour. He was grumpy with me and our kids as he always wanted to be somewhere else. Apparently, it was all my fault (of course, it always is)

Look how you live your lives is up to you, but this really is the path to misery not happiness. Do you really want to be some sad fucks ego boost. I feel sad for you, surely you are all worth much more than this? Please grow some backbone and move on to something better.

BTW, I'm not bitter, far from it. I'm happier now than I have been in years