ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Ought to thank him really for being such a tit as it makes getting over him and our years together a lot easier. I was thinking yesterday if he were the old H it would be a lot harder, but that's rubbish really because even if he wasn't an emotional mess, it doesn't change the facts.

Made myself recall how days after our 1st marriage guidance, both of us apparently feeling buoyed, we'd gone to a children's party together but he had claimed he was feeling really ill (just started the meds) and left in a hurry, insisting I remain looking after the 3 dcs, when I would happily have left. I knew his excuse was bollocks as I rang home to make sure he was ok, and he wasn't there. He'd gone off and had full sex with the OW for the first time. Knowing he was lying, but not knowing the extent, I checked H's phone - not a proud moment (and, in fact, having to check his phone makes me angrier now than the physical betrayal that was final nail in the coffin of our relationship... is that odd?) But didn't want to read the details myself so forwarded their phone chat to a good male friend who was storing all my 'evidence' if I needed it, who confirmed my suspicions. Now I can laugh as friend said the meeting was appropriately naff and the sex evidently crap and relayed some really excruciating detail that would have enlivened court proceedings if H hadn't admitted adultery.

You know, VB, from your posts you are sounding fantastic. Not as in "you're being so fantastic, so brave!" coping-fantastic, but just.. grand. Grounded wry and tough-for-your-kids and sorted and yes, maybe a little sadder and wiser but also ... fantastic.
I doubt we'll ever meet in RL but if we do I am bringing the BIGGEST cake, because we will celebrate how fantastic you were throughout all this, and how well you're doing, coming out of it such an amazing person.

Wow - just read this (maily VBs posts) can't believe ho wrational and calm you've been.

And what a twunt your ex is.

Wot blackcurrants said. You have shed a twunt but gained a MN fan club (although I know we're no help with the lawn mower).

If you're meeting up with blackcurrants I'm coming too and bringing Champagne . You are a force to be reckoned with VB! He has changed but so have you. Realising that you are the stronger one and getting back with him would be a backward step is an amazing achievement. The day my ex asked me to go back and I said no was one of the proudest of my life. It finally dawned on me properly what I was without him. I've never looked back, had second thoughts or regrets.
Neither will you

I'll bring chocolate!

Was rather hoping to put this long thread to bed, buoyed on a sea of chocolate and champagne (is how all MN threads should end imo).

Instead, again, am having to make it plain to H that no, I will not be taking him back.

He has announced that he would like to come back and would like to marry me again.

Hi VB

another long time lurker here. I just wanted to say how amazing you've been.

Well what a shock, the grass wasn't greener.

I know this sounds callous but I hope that learning his lesson will give you some closure

Oh VB! Are you ok??

Of course you've got to do what is right for you BUT please, please, please o not take this pitiful excuse for a human being back.

What has brought this on? Has reality hit him like a dose of salts at long last?

ha ha

ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

are you ok, VB ?

have you told him where to shove his "proposal" ?

How the land lies with the OW I haven't asked. Get the feeling he's itching for me to ask.

His main priority ought to be getting mentally fit and salvaging his career. So maybe I am the distraction from that mess. I have said as much. He denies it categorically.

But it's horrible to be the object of his interest. Am blaming myself for being so secure in where I am, content to be on my own, that I have relaxed where H is concerned. Big mistake.

wow, sorry, I have not posted on this thread for ever, but saw the latest development. Has he suddenly realized that his financial position will be much worse?

Don't blame yourself

Or better still, if you are feeling you have been a teeny bit too complacent with him, I have a tip

say to him

"Fuck off, I wouldn't consider taking you back under any circumstances at all"

have you said this to him ?

or have you been too kind...thinking he needed bouying up so he wouldn't fuck up his job ?

well, since he has done that already, maybe the truth needs to out now

he is a pathetic arse wipe that any woman would have to be desperate to countenance...you are not that woman

and remind him you want no part whatsoever in the fucked-up drama of his life

AF I love your advice.

I think you should have your own column on here, a bit like Dear Dedrie but not as tacky.

Sorry for the hijack VB. As you were.

< takes a bow >

the proper hero here, is VB

always will be

Thought you'd hurt yourself there laughing so much, AF and others!

Complacent yes. Think I was so happy I've been just zinging. So when H offered to help with the house maintenance before a viewing (seemingly went very well, second viewing next week) I said fine as there was a lot that needed doing and dc3 was ill/being a complete clingon so not a chance I could get it all done in time. I made clear my reservations but he gave assurances that he just wanted to help get the house sold.

Since then, he has asked again to take me to the cinema, rang me at work asking if I wanted to meet up and eat with him & the dc (his access time), and saying he wants to come back/remarried.

So today I attempted to be totally plain with him but it did not go very well.

I do have a bit of a stitch, actually

< rubs ribs ruefully >

don't make me laugh like that again, VB, I fear my pelvic floor may not take the strain

it didn't go well for him VB

his perspective is no longer your concern, remember that

No idea if the grass turned out not to be greener for him or if OW has had enough. Or whether, as has done before, he's hedging his bets (although the bets are in his head).

The difficult aspect is he is turning on the charm, giving me the wryly affectionate looks, the humour, which are all part of the 'old' H and might have some impact on me...but...they have simply come from nowhere. They have no foundation. In the same way that they just stopped being directed my way and he applied them elsewhere.

what is difficult about it ?

VB - don't fall for the charm, remember how he has behaved to you, to the children, how quickly and carelessly he threw everything away without a second thought to you. Charm is cheap and you are worth more - much, much more!

Today's bizarre events:

On returning dcs this afternoon, dc2 had wet herself in the car so I stripped her and a mucky dc3 for a bath immediately on their return and H asked for some disinfectant for his car-seats. Gave him all the stuff, told him to leave it by the front door when he'd done but I had to go and supervise the dcs and shut the door. Whilst I was running the bath he let himself in with his old key (have only changed the bottom lock) and found him downstairs (he said he needed the toilet). Told him to leave. He told me I was rude for shutting the door on him and it was his house as well.

I said I didn't want him there as his presence upset me and I certainly didn't have a key to his house and just walk in. He said again it was his house. I said it won't be when we move to X. And then I thought why hold back:

"And whilst I am being frank, I don't want to get back together with you, our marriage has been over for quite some time. Don't distract yourself with pie in the sky thinking , but concentrate on what is most important which is the serious issue at work and finding a new job. I am polite and usually kind to you (apart from right now) as you are the children's father, but don't miscontrue it for anything more."

He said 'no' to the marriage being over. Told me I was wrong. Said I had upset him. I said it was all about him. He said, "No, it wasn't at all" and was insistent I listen to him about "us". I said there is no "us". He still insisted I listen to him, that I had had my say, but I hadn't listened to him. I said I need to get back to the kids, they're unsupervised in the bath but (to get rid of him) but I would "listen" to him on Monday or Tuesday when the kids weren't around, but don't turn up unannounced, but I knew my own mind. Told him I like my life as it is, to which I was told, "I didn't"

VB, I am quite speechless that you are still giving him the space to say these things to you

after all this time, he still lets himself in to your house, invades your space and you patiently give him oxygen to spout his fuckwitted delusions

the drama of him is all in his head

why do you even listen ?

as soon as he opens his gob, you need to say "STFU, nothing you can say has any relevance for me"