ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

VB, Just want to say - you are such a good woman. Not surprised about ex's question - sadly I think he was looking to see what choices he had. Seems he might be stuck with OW and her nightmare situation.

I think there might be a little rewriting of history or shifting of blame. Perhaps it is that now you have refused his delightful offer, that it is you ending it and not him and therefore he did nothing wrong and holds no responsibility for the marriage ending. Because it was your choice. He was willing to forgive and move on, you were not (how careless of you )

Does that make any sense?

I think he has just hit rock bottom hasn't he? Did you feel sad that he asked? It sounds like he was ticking a box - no passion, remorse, realising quite what he's lost...
You know you are doing the right thing VB. He has sunk so low in the last year. I am gutted that he's done this to you. Comparing you to OW?! There is no comparison - I may never have met you but through all this you have acted with dignity and class. She certainly hasn't. As for him...

Your resolve does you credit.

Hi VB. It's no surprise that he's done this, he's reached the next bloody chapter in the script. I agree that it's rock bottom for him, but I missed the bit(wally) where he compares you with OW!!! WHAT!!! I shall go back through the thread and be amazed and appalled!

Well done on dealing with him like this. He's a child, well, a very stupid one, and must be treated as such.

Onward and upward. May all his chickens come home to roost. And give him a good painful pecking while they're at it.

oh I see-two "good" relationships. Twunt.

As for PIL, apologies if this has been said(rushing today), but they've been quite sensible and supportive up to now haven't they-can you view it as taking what you need/needed from them at the time ie they were useful(not meaning to sound so cynical) for you during a particular period, and if the emphasis does change, they may still be some support for you-but in a different way perhaps.

Hell up I'm not being very clear today. Take what you can get/have got out of their support and use it to help you in any way you like. Is what I mean.

Fin.

oh good god I am speechless at this latest, VB. clueless and thoughtless and just generally selfish of him to speak to you like that. Urgh!

VB, I read your entire thread when I was ill before Xmas, and I just wanted to say how dignified you have been thoughout this.

Argh, don't think I was very clear yesterday, sorry for the confusion, was still as the phft phft stage of trying to articulate after jaw hit floor at H yesterday and it was affecting my typing too!

The 'is there any chance you would have me back?' was totally out of the blue, no lead up, there were no explanations/protestations/evidence of regret, but just as Lazarus described like being asked a survey with a tick box.

Was trying to ascertain where he was coming from as it was so odd. Unlike before when he did this 6m ago, I did not assume things has gone belly-up with the OW, and indeed he said he had a good relationship. So I said "If you are in a 'good' relationship why on earth are you asking?" and that's when he said "Because we had a good relationship. I stupidly left a good relationship for a good relationship"

Obviously swooning at the romance of it all and the flattery of 20 years/marriage/3 children compared to BJ-orgins of his tawdry affair, conducted mostly now whilst on antidepressants, I said I was happier on my own, thanks very much! I said he was looking for a crutch but he said that wasn't it at all.

Friend at work said, wonder what he'd have done if I'd said "yes, fine" . Think I'd find him unpacked, feet up, texting the OW about how nice it is to be back at home. I think you're right, he still wants his cake and eat it too after all this time - all the perceived comforts of hearth and home, the OW and whatever I represent to him too.

I think you should feel proud of yourself. You can see right through him. You told him you were happier on your own. I probably shouldn't but I hope that hurt him.

Maybe he sees you as his safety net. That when things are getting difficult for him, at work or maybe the routine of his relationship with OW has finally kicked in, he knows he would be safe with you and you would sort everything out. Do you think your ILs could have influenced his question?
Glad you are feeling strong enough to say no VB

Am bad at holding grudges, such a pointless energy but in his case because there are so many misdeeds I can't remember them all! But there is no way H could come back, he is weak and selfish, is both amoral and immoral - I would despise myself if I chose that. There could be no trust or respect and I can't ever imagine finding him sexually attractive again given what he's done - what a dire thought, to get back together and have that as a future. I feel there might be more danger if OW was totally off scene and there was genuine remorse, growth, openness and a desire to change but there isn't, thankfully.

So maybe H is exploring options in his head that don't exist? Have grieved my marriage (maybe still am), ploughed everything into trying to make the best of a sad situation for the children and am juggling by the skin of my teeth job, dcs, house and life. February and events since seem a lifetime ago and, thanks in no small part to MN, I feel very removed from H. In fact over Christmas was talking to a dear friend about being a single parent and dating! And at the same I feel like complaining to the OW she's doing a bad job, buck up and rein him in!

you are, and always will be, so much better off than he is. Simply because you are so much more emotionally intelligent and able to understand how you feel and why, than he is.

love the idea of complaining to OW!!

VB- Just spent 2 hours reading this thread in it's entirety.

YOU ARE AMAZING. What a horrendous man!!! Hope 2012 brings lots of wonderful things your way & Stay strong! xxx

I've been a lurker on this thread, and I can't believe the brass neck of the man! I think we've all watched you grow stronger on this thread, and your dealing with the latest episode just shows how amazing you are.

As the others have said, stay strong. x

VB - There is a Toni Braxton song, I think it's called 'He wasn't man enough for me'. Maybe send a copy of that to OW with a thank you note from you . I would love to have done that to ex's wife!

I am so, so happy you feel the way you do. As far as dating goes, any man would be very lucky to have you in his life. When the time is right for you, go for it!

VB when a person is able to choose being single rather than being in a mediocre / bad relationship, it demonstrates a real maturity and self confidence that many people are never able to achieve in a whole life time. You have done this and in doing so have shown the strength of your character.

Ex seems to think he can swing from one relationship to the other. That says it all really!

I have kept up to date with all your developments and at risk of banging the same drum again I would just like to encourage you to trust your own judgement. What a contrary, vacillating character your ex h has. No wonder he misses your influence in his life.

I have a colleague from Liverpool and she often laments that her ex h is "Messin with me 'ed". I hope your ex does not unduly "mess with your head".

Best wishes, you are doing well!

Hi VB - just checking in on you again to see whether the twunt has made any more ridiculous suggestions? Has he taken your "rejection" well or badly?
And mostly just to give you , and a ((hug)) because I have no doubt that you might need one occasionally. :)

Bless you Thumb and everyone else for their support. Whatever I've felt, lost, low or just needed someone to talk to, there's always been a message or a piece of advice from a MNer that's totally 'got' how I'm feeling or explained with an insight. The wit and wisdom of MN

Have spent some time, at H's behest, working out the right approach and framing carefully worded advice regarding his rocky career (as it impacts dcs & our lives) and also called on the expertise of my father, as H's work acted in exactly the way he suggested they might. Asked H to ring me to relay the information, to be told he was 'busy' and 'we will talk tomorrow'. Since I really didn't want to, I precis-id the main points in an email and resumed indifference. Then had a text saying, "He could understand but did not appreciate my hostility".

Tough. He's is reaping what he sowed. You, as usual, are still putting your dcs first. He, as usual, is not being honest and is still putting himself first. He has some temerity, I'll say that for him. He doesn't appear to have learnt from any of this at all

Am obviously crap at giving !

Yeah, I think so too Lazarusb

And have subsequently worked out that H's odd and emotionally unengaged, 'will you take me back?' is very likely an OW test of H. Possibly source of upset to do with H visiting his parents that day (ILs see OW at the root of many of H's problems) or something he's said about me/us that's upset their applecart. Will be along the lines of - go back to your wife then/she won't have me/yes she will, ask her then/I will! -based on what H described a long time ago about their exchanges.

Find it a bit hurtful to play with my emotions in that way, but hey. I know what he is. MissMap, I try my best not to let him 'mess with my head'

He just never stops, does he VB!
what a bloody cheek he does have. Who gives a flying fuck if he "doesn't appreciate your hostility" - you don't have to wait on his convenience to speak to him about something that is supposed to help him, especially when you don't really want to have to! Ignorant, ungrateful bastard.

I'm glad you've worked out a reason for his weird question - I'll just bet he didn't tell the truth though whenever he went back to the OW!!
I understand why you find it hurtful, but keep going on the indifference - at some point you'll just be able to laugh at his shenanigans without any hurt at all.

You're just going from strength to strength, which is great! :)

Oh, VB, that's some cheek he has, "don't appreciate the hostility"! He should be on his bare knees thanking you for giving him the advice.

It must be very difficult to look at him now and wonder what happened to the man you once loved.

It's very odd, Dutchy, even after all this time, once be so close to someone and know so much about them who is such a strange stranger. At drop-off, H mentioned a play that's been turned into a film and said to me 'that's your favourite play" and whilst am fond of it, it isn't. But he kept insisting it was like it was a big deal .