ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Erm ought to point out I am full of flaws myself and am not expecting perfection from H as a dad, just decent dad will do.

Good news! Kids and I walked out very early this morning, found the car and it started first time! Took it down to the garage and it just needed a new battery. H rather crestfallen he wasn't more needed. Am now watching Frasier, eating a mince pie and MNing - bliss!

Hey, VB, just popping in to say hello

I am also eating a mince pe and watching Homes Under The Hammer

Have a peaceful Xmas x

VB - You are a tower of strength as always. I too took exception at LP's post. You have done nothing but put your dcs first through all this. Jealousy has never come into any of your interactions with your ex as far as I can see, just wanting his situation to be secure and safe before dcs were in contact with her. FWIW, I hope it hurt him like Hell that you didn't need him to 'rescue' you. I really do.

I wish you a very Happy Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

'...but he is back to being 'depressed'/off work and it's often immediately following this state that problems have arisen before.'

Maybe the depressed/off work thing follows a ticking off from you rather than the leaving the children in the lurch? Maybe this falling apart of his is a ploy to teach you go easy on him when he fails the children, in other words? When you confront him about his failings during visits he either denies that things he does to them are harmful or he has some sort of breakdown/plays helpless and incapable of earning a living (supporting you financially) when you try to hold him accountable.. He knows your big fear is that he will lose his job.

He doesn't want to go to mediation because he doesn't want to accept anyone else's rules about how he should behave. He is willing to bet that you won't go through the courts, or else he fancies his chances before a judge. He is fighting tooth and nail here against the idea that he should be accountable to anyone for his behaviour with the children (and his behaviour with the OW but that's beside the point). He needs to be dragged by the scruff to mediation, imo.

I think the best arrangement for Christmas is for him to see them on Christmas Eve, not just because it's Saturday and therefore his day anyway, but because seeing each other for that day will leave you free to deal with last minute Christmas things, they won't be torn away from their toys right after getting them (which would happen if they had to go off with him after Christmas, and toys don't have the same appeal after a distressing visit with an odd father) and Christmas would remain the big anticipated event after the visit is over.

Hi AF & Lazarus, am at your Yuletide disguises.

And LadyPeter is not too off base. I do have those feelings but H's idiocy rather trumps them, so there can be no 'luxury' of indulgent behaviour, as dcs have had enough from H.

Like your thinking, as always MA. In fact that's exactly what the dcs have got, Fri and Sat with their father before Christmas and then they'll next see him probably a week or so later whenever he resurfaces. But that suits me fine. As you said, dcs are going to have their Christmas toys to play with (small mountain of Lego to assemble), and we also have a friend visiting from abroad with his two dcs and also other people wanting to visit/be visited; the problem will be making time for it all, so not having to juggle H into the equation makes things easier. Not so great for the kids of course but Christmas schedules send things awry so they shouldn't notice.

Re the mediation: had an email from my solicitor today asking if it would be helpful for H to talk with the mediator so he can understand the process better. At some point H will need to face up to it, as at the moment it feels it should be a condition for dcs' future involvement with OW and the whole set-up. Not to control H but to ensure there are some very clear guidelines that H will adhere to, which will be good for everyone.

You are right that mediation is sorely needed here. Your H needs to understand that he must knuckle down and behave responsibly. If there is any avenue that would make him get to the mediation table it's worth trying.

But you need a very clear schedule, not just clear guidelines wrt the OW. So far, how many times has the time or day of the visitation been adhered to? How many times has he asked for more, or done less, or managed to leave you and the children dangling? I really, really recommend getting a cast iron schedule with every day of the year accounted for.

(I would also recommend doing away with the midweek visit in favour of an every-second-weekend arrangement. This would give you a bit of breathing space.)

Totally back up what MA says. I speak from bitter experience - give them an inch...
I didn't post after I read LP's post because I have followed you from the beginning of this and I am aware that I feel a bit protective towards you (odd, I know!) and therefore not very objective

I'm totally on the OPs side. Was trying to be helpful. I realise he is guilty of fuckwittery, have read the whole thread! I suppose I'm just trying to remember advice I found helpful (although not always easy to take!) seven years ago! My ex also displayed similar selfishness, unreliability, contradictory behaviour, untrustworthiness over money etc., etc...but I still found it better just to let him get on with it, make his mistakes, let the kids see and judge for themselves when he was being an arse (and they were v young when he walked- 1 and 4). It's his karma. Letting go of the desire to control was the best thing I ever did- very happy now and eventhough he is still a selfish fuckwit sometimes, it's all kind of ok now :) And as you're clearly an intelligent and honest and loving mother it'll all be ok for you too I know xxx

LP, I see where you are coming from, and I know VB welcomes all angles and opinions

I said something similar myself, very early in this thread, questioning was it good for her to put such a long time frame on allowing the dc to meet OW, bearing in mind it was going to have to happen one day

VB, as usual, took it in the manner in which it was intended and of course, she knows her situation the best

Have been lurking, but Lady P does offer some good advice.

So sorry for your terrible time.

You are both locked in a full on power struggle, and it is so hard to say anything that can help you.

I personally would offer him (verbally) full custody, just to stop the PS and get him out of my life.

It would be a move he would not be expecting. At all.

LP - I totally understand what you say - like I said, I am less than objective!
My ds1 (now nearly 22!!) is still learning the hard way what an absolute useless and selfish twunt his father is . Unfortunately this time of year brings it home to him even more. Luckily he has managed to form respectful and kind relationships himself so I am grateful for that.

Ah VB! just saw your thread pop up in Relationships again and have been catching up - goodness, what a couple of months you've had with the twunt!

Glad you have your decree nisi and so sorry that your stbexH has been such a poor specimen of fatherhood on and off!

Disturbing that his work is suffering as well - I really hope that he doesn't lose his job completely, that would be bad.

I hope your solicitor can somehow bring stbexH to his senses regarding the mediation - and don't necessarily fall for his "oh I can't afford it, I have no money for petrol" bollocks - chances are he's just trying it on. Bet he's enough money for Christmas presents for the OW. Speaking of whom, at the volatility and violence of her situation! And that the twunt hadn't realised it!! and was allowing your DC to be exposed to it - argh! The home-alone stuff too - unbelievably ill-judged on his part.

Well, I'm glad you have a lovely Christmas planned - sounds like the DC will be better off with you this Christmas day anyway! - and I really hope things go smoothly for your family - lots of love for you all xxx

My own DCs have been exposed to more than their fair share of selfishness and destructive behaviour from their father and the result has been much pain for them, and ultimately pain for him as one by one they have stopped relating to him and in fact stopped communicating the minute they were legally allowed to. While he will be the loser in the long term, the DCs have also lost out and that is the bit I care about -- really I don't think any parent can be expected to stand idly by and see that happen without trying to the utmost to prevent it.

The law stupidly bends over backwards affording these twats the opportunity to have a relationship with their children and what do they do with it...

it must be immensely frustrating and soul-destroying, MA

I do think your ex is a twat of the highest order, however

and VB's twat is more of the common or garden variety

not that we are comparing

Just caught up VB, just want to say Happy Christmas to you and your wonderful family

Thank for all the good wishes for Christmas. Unfortunately have not had a good afternoon.

Found out today that H is likely to lose his job. Not through him, oh no. But through an official source who rang here by mistake. H didn't think to mention it. Without his salary the kids don't have a roof over their heads. I am not even sure it makes economic sense for me to stay in work.

I cannot believe that he is this stupid. Am trying to keep calm whilst the dcs are still up.

Terrible news but surely not entirely a surprise, given what you know of his personality and issues.

Think seriously before making any decision about work. It's harder to get back if you have a gap in your CV.

What help can you summon from parents, ILs, etc?

So sorry to hear that VB. Can you get some free financial advice, maybe from the CAB before you have to make any decisions?
You must be fuming - I would be. He hasn't even had the guts to tell you himself either, not that that's a surprise. The timing is shit too.
Please contact that phone company asap too.

How dare he scupper us all. How anyone can be that stupid. It was a fear in the back of my mind, but didn't think it would come to pass, H is planning a future with OW fgs.

Haven't spoken to anyone, just trying to be normal for the dcs and digest the implications. Plus don't trust myself not to cry down the phone at my dad or the ILs.

Oh VB what a muppet he is. I'm so sorry, and don't have much constructive advice I'm afraid. He sounds all too much like my DH's ex-wife, who seems to have an innate ability to fuck herself over. It's worse than watching a train wreck.

I agree with CAB, calling in favours, doing whatever you need to do.

Practically need to think about what the total amount of equity is in the house and whether I can afford anything mortgage free. Will use the services of my account friend visiting tomorrow. Will try and see CAB. Solicitor is due to sort the finances after the holidays but not sure I can afford the 1.5k bill - or an investment worth making? Given she intended to offset H's pension, maybe.

Will talk to my dad. He has some experience in this sector re finance and employment. Think he will paint a pretty bleak picture. Of course don't have all the facts for him to work with as H hasn't provided any.

Thanks guys for the hand-holding. Am so upset.

long time lurker here with no real advice, but a hand to hold yours. So sorry to hear this.