ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Valentine I be another hand holder.

Really sorry to hear this news. You could do without it - especially just before Christmas. Gather as much financial advice as you can from reliable sources. Good that you have the support of your Dad and your ILs. Wishing you the strength to get through this - you've done really well so far - an inspiration to others.

OH VB I'm so so sorry to hear about this. There might well be a way for you to get enough help to stay in work, I would consider the solicitor an even more important investment if you're going to be worried about money now.

He is having a complete breakdown. A split with reality.

I am really sorry, VB

I take back my pronouncement that he is merely a common or garden twat

VB, how are you today? I hope you managed to get some sleep, so that you can be alert/attentive/etc. during the day. Gather as much advice as possible from your family and friends and professional sources about how to proceed. Still holding your hand!

So how imminent is this situation? Do you know when it will happen. Is there any redundancy due? Hope you are ok VB. It's great that you have some access to free advice, use it well.

H got in touch late last night - by text - very much downplaying it all. Hard to ascertain whether this is more head-in-the-sand from H or whether this is confidence coming from the team working with him. However, most organisations don't go down this path unless pretty confident of the outcome - although this organisation is haphazard and poorly run. H was going to find out more today but I haven't heard anything further from him. Regarding how imminent, all I learnt from H was it was going to be decided first week in January but has been postponed - nice of him to let me know. If it goes against him, there will be an automatic appeal. Have no idea then about timescales or whether he is paid during that time.

Ok, I know this will be difficult, especially as he seems to be keeping his cards close to his chest and giving you the minimum information required. Try not to panic but do everything you can to protect yourself and your dcs financially just in case. Is there any way you can find out what's going on even if he doesn't want to tell you?

Hope you got some good advice from friends and family.

Hope you managed to have a good Christmas despite the worry, VB - and sorry it's all so up in the air, that's worse than actually knowing what's what, I think!

(((hugs))) to you all anyway xx

Sorry for the silence. Had a heart-stopping moment with dc3.

Sometimes, when he is told 'no', he does that action toddlers do, which is put his head on the floor and then look sideways at you, to see if you are watching - which he did after turning the television repeatedly on and off. Then I realised he hadn't moved for a bit and he wasn't breathing, and had gone blue and floppy. Tipped him down and slapped him between his shoulder blades, then ran him to the sink to splash water on him and rub his back vigorously again; seemed to take forever to get any response, and even then he remained the wrong colour and soundless for ages...but by the time the paramedic arrived he had pinked up again. Think he had silently choked on some food he was eating a few minutes earlier.

Moments like that you feel alone and so responsible for them.

Regarding H's job, my father thought it sounded a weak case and there were a variety of options. Accountant friend too was calming.

Also as a result of H stuffing up is that ILs have broken general silence with H in order to offer support and try to rescue him from his mess. MIL has told FIL that they have been too unsupportive of H, that he is their son, let bygone be bygones etc. H has rung to ask if he can take dcs up to see his parents, dcs acting as some sort of deflective shield I guess - haven't given him an answer, but assuming he needs to ask as he wants a longer span of time with the dcs in order to make the trip. Am taking the dcs to see the ILs tomorrow anyway to a family gathering.

At the time of separation H didn't care if he saw his parents again, so I said I would keep them instead! But since, it's rankled with him that they have been such a great source of support to me and it's been me that's ensured dcs maintain contact.

Shit VB!! that would have scared me rigid, the blue floppy incident! Hope you've both recovered from the event now and well done for reacting so quickly.

I wonder how you are feeling about your ILs deciding to open up comms with your stbexH again - perhaps a little betrayed? I know they're his parents but what he did hasn't changed, hasn't diminished in awfulness etc. - so I hope that whatever support they need to give him doesn't affect the level of support they give you. Bugger 'bygones' - the effects are still ongoing! there should be no forgive and forget involved (IMO), more a "We'll help you because you are our son but we're STILL disgusted with the way you behaved to VB and will continue to give her our support". Hope it goes that way.

Thanks Thumb, yes I was scared rigid and blind panic would have set in if he hadn't seemed to respond when he did. Just so very thankful he did it right in front of me. Lots of cuddles since.

And you are very astute. I do feel a bit betrayed by MIL's comments. No idea if I have a right to be - emotions can be irrational. But I think what rankles is what you've said, which is that H has done nothing to deserve it, he hasn't changed, his behaviour remains what it is, but now he is being rescued like a child. But maybe that's just what parents do and they were unusual in the first place in their stance? Think it can only impact on our relationship and close off a door of support, as I can hardly confide in them if they are speaking with H.

Am driving up there today to take dcs to a family gathering. Now H is asking if he can take the dcs up there for an overnight visit Fri/Sat when he sees his parents for the first time in 6months. Haven't given an answer yet. Personally think he ought to front up to his parents himself without hiding behind the kids. Plus feel nervy about letting dc3 out of my sight! Am aware this is a very emotional response and not a logical one.

No I think you are absolutely right. He hasn't seen them for 6 months - I can't quite believe that their about-face is quite as complete as on the face of it, so I think he would be hoping to use the DC as a shield and I think that is wrong. He should go and face the music by himself - let his parents berate him as he deserves, if they feel that they need to - he can take the DC next time. Please say no - apart from anything else, if your ILs do have a row with him and he decides to leave immediately, what are your DC going to do/feel?
You may not have been able to see the logic of it because of your emotions, but I can

Hugs for scare with dc, how awful for you

Hi VB

I'm a bit further down the line than you (only about 8 months but mine moved quickly and married the OW less than a year after telling me it was over ) but like you have excellent relationships with the ILs and that side of the family. It helps me to think of them and the dcs in the same way - never criticise the ex in front of them - on the contrary I sometimes find myself having to defend him "midlife crisis" "he's not an evil person he's just done something stupid" etc. Keeping good relationships with my ILs and not requiring anyone to 'choose' was a priority for me. I can't imagine cutting my dcs out of my life and I don't expect the ILs to cut my ex out of theirs.

It does require you to detach from your anger towards him - but tbh I think that's good for us in the long run - why should they be able to affect how we feel now? That's giving them power over us!

Do what you need to do in order to protect the relationships which are important to you - you will emerge from this a lot happier than he will!

VB - Well done with dc3, you saved his life! Scary stuff, thank God you realised when you did

From what you have said about FIL, I can't believe he will let your H off the hook so easily, but supporting him will benefit you and the dcs in the long run?
I think he should be facing up to them alone tbh. It's not fair on them (the dcs) if they overhear or detect an atmosphere for one thing.

Let him face them by himself - it's too soon for them to play happy families, surely?
Hope it goes well with PIL today.

I personally would look at it like this. His relationship with his parents has been "strained" over the last 6 months. He's going to need some time to work with them on their relationship, and the atmosphere might be a little tense at first. H needs time on his own to work through this and dcs don't need to witness this phase.

Therefore better to wait until the relationship between H and his parents is more established and smooth before him bringing the dcs into the equation.

This is putting their needs first, and a totally reasonable thing for you to say.

Of course you're going to have all sorts of emotions going on at the same time, that's understandable, but that doesn't mean you can't be objective as well and talk about what's best for the dcs.

You say you will be taking them to see gps anyway so they aren't missing out in any way.

We all had a nice time at PILs, H's sisters who were also there were very supportive and so were PIL. Very concerned about dc3. Did exactly as you all rightly suggested, and said no to the dcs accompanying H on his first visit to his parents in many months which no-one had an issue with.

I don't denigrate H whilst there, I don't anyway, but they know what the issues are regarding H. PIL's view is simple: H's life hit the skids when he met the OW and he will never be 'right' whilst with her. His current mess is just further evidence of that as far as they are concerned.

Their opinions differ though, FIL is helping because it helps me/his grandchildren, whilst MIL wants to help H to help him, iyswim.

Had dc3 checked over by the doctors today who could find nothing wrong. Am now unwinding with a good friend and

Enjoy that VB, and the company of your friend! Long time lurker here who raised a silent to you and your DC on Christmas Day, and will do the same on NYE if you've no objection! You really are an inspiration in the way you've been so true to yourself and to your children. Quite understand how it must be rather unsettling to see your PIL take a little volte-face; I hope you still feel able to maintain your relationship with them (as you say, you don't denigrate STBXH to them as much as he bloody deserves it ) as it's evident over the months that their support has been of great importance to you.

Gah - it's late and I'm making no sense - but wanted to crawl out of the woodwork to wish you continued strength in my own clumsy way!