ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

VB - have just read your original thread and this one, poor you. I chucked my STBXH out 6 weeks ago, and mentioned to my solicitor (am divorcing him) that my biggest fear was him deciding to move himself back into the family home. She said that if that happened, there were legal moves I could take to get him out. So please, either contact your divorce lawyer, or get a free initial session with a new lawyer, and find out what you can do. A lot of emphasis on your previous thread regarding his mental health - but I'm more concerned about yours - living with him must be hell on earth. I would move mountains to get him out if I was you - so please do so! Can't you wait until he's at work, pack him some stuff and leave it with someone for him to collect. Then change the locks (because you "accidentally" lost your keys)??

Let her have him, like you say, gift wrapped with a big bow. They deserve each other. But most of all, you deserve your space to heal and move forward.

Please, please see a solicitor.

Well this morning the sane(r) H reappeared, he took the children out to the music group they belong to and did a spot of shopping< whilst I got on with decorating the kitchen.

He now admits he cannot afford to buy me out of the house. The OW earns less than he thought (think he thought her working f/t would be the equivalent to my p/t wage but he forgets she is in support/my job is specialised).

I did ask why if he was planning to move her in here, why he didn't move in with her? Answer: she's still living with her husband!

Am going to ask him again to look at this room he's mentioned in a shared house this weekend.

Otherwise, what do you reckon, say I will name her in the divorce (she's v worried I will) and start redirecting his mail to her home??
Or is that too below the belt.

He must realise we are almost done. That the house must be sold. But for my sanity he needs to go. And the kids need to get used to the situation with him not living with us before we move.

Well, it might be a basis for negotiation, shall we say.

blackmail

Nowadays you don't have to name OW in a divorce - but you can do so. If I was you, it would be a no-brainer, she'd be named without a second thought. You owe her nothing, she needs to stand upto the plate and own her actions - so name the sad woman.

My STBXH is in a room in a shared house - his mail still comes here; I've told him to get it redirected, but he hasn't done so yet, so I just scrawl "not known at this address" on it all, and shove it back in the postbox. Again, his problem.

Please see a solicitor about getting him out asap - it isn't your problem that he can't move in with OW - tough. It's his problem. My STBXH had to go to a relations for a couple of days, then moved into a B&B. He can find somewhere himself - he needs to grow up as well. And if he has MH issues, tough too - he caused them - not you.

Once he's out - you can then find out about entitlements/benefits/legal stuff - by law you can stay in the family home until youngest is 18. Mortgage companies will let you pay interest only, I've been told. SO PLEASE (sorry to shout!) SEE A SOLICITOR and get advice about it all.

Take care - you can and will get through this!

Oh Annie...like your thinking...Yes, OP, give him a deadline to move out (i.e. a couple of hours!) or you'll name her in the divorce. Simples

mine didn't think it was adultery once i knew about it! duh

good luck in getting him out and getting on with your life:-)

The OW's still with her husband? Does the OW's husband know about her having an affair? She doesn't sound very committed to your husband so he may well end up with nothing.

Not that that is your problem any more. Men and their stupid mid-life crises.

Sorry you and your kids are having to deal with this. Some good advice on here.

I think I would find it hard not to let the OW husband know what's happening. I know lots would say not to, and I could see why, but on the other hand he deserves to know, and she deserves the trouble.

Oh god thank you for all the support. It helps tremendously. I hate burdening family as they are so disappointed and thunderstruck by him at the same time, and are hurting too. H is just cross that they have reacted like this. No concept of their distress.

I told him I wanted him to leave by Thursday 30th June. The kids are at school then but it's my day off. I don't want them to see him leave but I do want to make sure he is not leaving with any of my personal possessions as gifts! It's also my MIL's 65th birthday two days later on Saturday and the children and me have been invited to the party but not H. But I am pretty sure if he knew the house was empty he'd have the OW in our house (they have been meeting up al fresco/still engaging in carpark activity - bluergh). So I plan to change the locks after he goes - might have to give him a key later but not until after that weekend. And then we can trial run the contact arrangements with the kids. Again he thinks only of himself, seemed surprised when I mentioned preparing the children for his departure.

I asked him if he was going out again this evening with OW and he said no, actually this afternoon! With great restraint I told him that eating into family time at the weekend was exactly why he couldn't stay. And he was making amicable v hard to carry out.

I am in the midst of painting the kitchen but got lunch ready for all but asked him to feed dc3. Told me he didn't have time before seeing OW. Afraid to say I threatened him and said if he didn't make time for his children he was going to force me to take action he really wouldn't like (like naming her and redirecting his mail as I mentioned upthread) He asked what. I refused to say, only that he really wouldn't like it. So he backed down and fed dc3 and now has left.

I keep shaking my head in amazement at his conduct. And now at mine!

I have seen a solicitor to process the divorce (have written the contact info for the children and need to write a v large cheque to go off in Monday's post) but haven't thought to approach them about getting him out. To be honest I didn't think I could unless he was violent.

VB I'm so sorry that you have had (and are still having) such an awful time of things. Your H continues to behave like an utter idiot while you have dealt with everything that's been thrown at you with such dignity.

You sound like you are getting things together and moving on with your life and, as hard as things are now, they will soon be much better (and easier!) for you and your DC's. So glad to see you have the support of your IL's.

You are obviously a strong, kind, intelligent woman and I can imagine the sadness and anger that you must feel. But it honestly does seem as though you will be far better off without your twunt of a husband. It seems like he's let you down at every opportunity.

Keep going VB, keep going x

All I know Valentine, is what my solicitor told me, that if he returned, there are ways to get him out, and violence was never mentioned.

Well done on taking a firm stance and giving him a date to go. WWIFN gave me great advice on a thread I started a couple of months ago. It was when I knew we were going to separate, and how to cope with what I thought at the time would be 10 weeks of living together. (Things came to ahead, and I chucked him out in April). Anyway, she said that there would have to be ground rules for him staying. He would have to pull his weight, be considerate and be respectful and civil to me. He ended up staying out all night, leaving meals untouched and generally taking the piss. My solicitor who is conducting the divorce, said that him staying out all night, with no mention of when he was returning is totally unreasonable and is using this as an example of his unreasonable behaviour in the petition. I know you are divorcing, but the point I'm making is that he is not behaving as he should in the home. You can't go on like this - it's mental abuse.

Please do find out from a solicitor if there is anyway you can get him out. And detach from him as much as possible. Don't do his cooking, washing, ironing, anything. Make his being there uncomfortable, disengage totally with him. If he says he wants to talk, say that you are only prepared to discuss the children from now on. Say that he is leaving on the date you gave him, and it isn't open to discussion. Tell him that you will enforce this legally if you have to. Toughen up, and stay firm and resolute. Changing the locks is a good idea after he's gone - just say you lost the keys, that will give you some time. If he stalls, say you will contact OW's husband, and mean it. You hold a lot of cards here - it's how you play them now that's crucial.

I don't know how much you earn or the ages of your dc but you need to to start living seperately so you can claim CTC/help with childcare costs on your salary alone.

Perhaps you could look at employeed an au pair or nanny and tell him that he has to go due the affect this is having on the dc and you need that room for childcare.

I really think he is having some sort of completel delusional episode he's not even being deliberately cruel he just cannot see the reality of the situation or his behaviour

I really feel for y

arghhhhhhhhhhhhhh cat helping me type.

I really feel for you, as an interim measure could you get a member of your family or friend to come and stay to literally force him out that way? You need the room for that person as you need their help now that he is leaving to be with OW?

Halfbabyhalfbiscuit, what a lovely, generous post

Anniegetyourgun, H won't be in a position after the house is sold to buy a place of his own/it will be very bijou, unless he buys a place with the OW I guess. Although me and the children will be downsizing, where we'll be moving to is more expensive. To afford this house would cost 100k more.

Cargirl, I had completely forgotten about applying for tax credits when he goes. Daftly in my head I was envisaging applying when we move, but of course as soon as he moves out I become a LP and eligible and because my childcare bill is huge it's actually quite a lot!

I know I need to open a separate bank account to establish my credit history on my own and to pay tax credits into. My father advised me to do that so it's up and ready to go whenever our finances separate. At the moment it's very simple: there is one joint account into which everything goes and we have a joint credit card. Am not really sure how to separate the finances. Essentially I suppose his salary covers the bills, mine the childcare and there's a bit left over at the end of the month. He's obviously going to have to start paying rent on wherever he lives so it's going to be tight. Have no idea if he still wants to pay into a joint account until divorce and financial settlement is decided. He leaves it all to me. The idea of him having control over our money whilst still tied together with nothing formal in place is not a comfortable one. So either he still leaves it all to me as he does currently or we do something formal so it becomes his and my money and no longer ours.

If you are living seperately but under the same roof then you can start claiming today.

That means you do not shop, cook, launder etc for him.

Transfer your slary into your own account and child benefit etc pay your tax credits into it etc. Start paying the childcare from your account.

You may be eligible for a little council tax benefit to cover your half of the council tax, and when he goes you need to get the single person reduction.

I keep coming back to your post Saffysmum as it's right on the button. The line about the changing the locks/telling OW's H is inspired & clearly you're right, I do need to toughen up as it didn't even occur to me to say that. Don't think H knows I know her address (daft man used my laptop) so he thinks he's pretty safe.

Other people have said it's mental abuse too what he is doing. Sometimes I am all fired up about it and other times I just pity him as he has made such a mess of his life. If I allow myself to think about the impact on the children it hits home more I think.

The disengaging is hard. He pops to the deli and brings back treats for all. We still eat meals together to make things normal for the kids. I send the ironing out so it feels no trouble to shove all the clothes in the washing machine together. But he is doing much less around the house now and things are about to change.

The other tricky aspect is arranging contact. I do not want the children to meet the OW (H having described her as needy, their relationship as dysfunctional and she has apparantly an abusive alchoholic H as well as two children of her own). H & her relationship is of a short and untested duration and don't want the dcs used. H is moving to one room in a shared house so not very practical for seeing the kids. The solicitor did say that the older two are just about old enough to go out for the day but dc3 is not yet a year old and contact needs to be where they feel safe, happy secure...which means the family home.

Cargirl, thanks for the advice and clearly I am going to have to give this more thought. It's not as cosy as it sounds, we go our separate ways once the kids are in bed and we don't talk very much but more drastic changes are needed, I can see that.

Ok have taken your advice and contacted the bank, they are sending out forms so H is removed from joint account and he's to have a separate one. Will pay off this months credit card and then get myself removed as he is the main card holder.

Got him to sign the contact arrangements for the kids but he had what can only be described as a major hissy fit over what I thought was agreed, which is no contact for the dcs with OW - to be reviewed in a year's time. H kept telling me she'd be great for the kids

Told him that apart from the dysfunctional/needy bit (which he's now massively backtracking on), the fact that she was still married and living with an abusive alcoholic, who knew nothing about their affair, was another good reason for them not to have contact. That the kids' needs came first & they were about to have massive changes in their lives - him leaving/getting used to contact days/moving house/moving school.

That didn't sway him. So tried the 'he needs to be happy and settled first blah blah' (he told me he was v positive, happier than he'd been in ages and his mental health was not an issue - kept going on about how he had done what he 'needed' to do) All about his needs I noted, not the children's.

In the end I pulled out the big guns and said that if he insisted on contact with the OW then he left me no choice, but I would name her in the divorce and her H would find out.

He then said, "Fine, you've made it impossible for me to see the children. I won't see them without her. That's really putting their needs first."

and breathe, he is clearly very unwell or utterly utterly self absorbed.

I do think a year was an unrealistic expectation on your part though although I complete understand your reasons why!

Glad your getting your finances sorted. Next port of call ring Tax credits now and get the ball rolling.

and exhale....

Think he expected me to cave with his threat not to see the children but this time I calmly said that would be his choice if he didn't see them but the contact agreement was more than generous and came at some cost to myself as it was going to be in my home given how young they are. He did come a find me later on looking a bit sheepish. I also pointed out that rather than focusing on our children meeting her, perhaps he ought to focus on establishing himself as step-father to hers, as she is their primary carer. He said he had not thought of that. I suggested the time frame for reviewing after a year, given she is still with her husband, and the whole stepfather consideration (they already clash over the way OW's son treats her), was a practical one. He said I was right and I had given it more thought than he had.

So phew!

VB, you are getting excellent practical advice on this thread, so I will just say this

I admire your strength and your clear-minded resolve

saffy gives you great empathy, so I would just like to add my support to all the rest x

bloody hell. cross posted

you rock, you really do

CarGirl, tax credit forms filled in, just need a few ref numbers from my employer tomorrow but can I just say thanks again, would never have been so organised or financially prepared if it wasn't for you.

Aw, thanks AF - and hey what happened to PeterAndreforPM? (have been away too long!)