ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

WEll done VB - glad you had a lovely time with the ILs.
I don't really blame MIL for wanting to help her boy - although she might be a touch misguided, it depends on how genuine or not the "breakdown" is (speaking from personal experience here - BIL is an utterly manipulative loser who has been poncing off MIL for at least 10 years, with jobs in between when she gets sick of it, but she always takes him back in and feeds and looks after him because he's "not right in the head" - yes he bloody is, he just knows how to play her!).

If your H is genuinely in trouble, then his mum helping him may be a good thing - but if not, if he is playing a game, then your FIL will hopefully be able to see that and sort it out (My FIL is dead so he can't steer MIL :()

Either way, they are still showing you support too which is the main thing - and yes, I would avoid getting involved in any way in discussions about H. His problems are not your concern any longer except in how they affect your DC. Glad DC3 is ok, by the way and enjoy your ! xx

wow, VB that must have been scary with DS - well done saving his life!

I am glad you had a good time with PILs, and I think I would feel rather the same about MIL - yeah, lovely for you to be able to let bygones be bygones, shame it's overturned the life we had cos he wanted seedy sex with OW as well as the happy family that he's ruined. But oh well, bygones, eh?! Still, i hope that them being more involved with your STBxH means that they will do some of the steadying that YOU have had to do, and take the pressure off you.
It sounds to me like you've got the right ideas as to how keep a good relationship with them, especially as they've been so supportive, and it will be a great steadying point for the DCs.

I'm glad you had some lovely off-time with friends. So important!

Just caught up with this thread. Bloody hell what a year you have had and how brilliantly you have coped. Here's to better things, onwards and upwards. At least contact between Knobface and his parents might mean some of the pressure is off you when he starts wailing and having 'episodes' again.

Hi VB. If it's ok with you, I would also like to toast you on NYE. You have coped so well this year. I wish I were more like you! Best wishes to you, your dcs and your friends for a very Happy New Year.

Hopefully your FIL will be able to monitor your STBXH and rein him in a bit!

BigFatSpider, Thumb, Blackcurrants, SGB, Lazarus for your kind words, am genuinely so touched that you and so many MNers have taken the time to offer just the best advice and support, don't know how I would have coped without you all.

Am toasting you back with and lots of love xx. Wishing you all a fabulous 2012.

VB - to you and I hope your 2012 is a far better year than 2011 was for you xx

I've come very late to this thread and it's taken me 2 days to get to the end, but I just wanted to say how dignified and strong you've been, VB! Am raising a glass of to you as well. Hope you have the 2012 you so richly deserve!

Happy New Year, VB - here's to you and your lovely DC, I hope 2012 is wonderful to you.

VB- Wishing you all the very best for 2012. Hoping 2012 is your year:)

Here's to a great 2012 for you and those you love VB!

H has just asked if there was any chance we could get back together

Seriously VB?! H as in blow jobs in the carpark H?!

Totally surreal

Hi Valentine Hope you're well. Didn't someone say this would happen?!

Wasn't some impassioned speech of feelings or he had made a mistake but just a 'Would I take him back?' 'Did I think I could? Just needed a yes or a no.'

I said I thought he was in a good relationship.

He said he was in a good relationship - but ours was a good relationship. That he had left a good relationship for a good relationship! And he needed to know if I would take him back.

hope you told him where to go!

And so wrong/insulting on so many levels didn't even bother

Oh VB, please tell us that you told him to go stuff himself.
What do you think to this turn around?
Hope you're ok!

Perhaps he wanted you to say no, so that he can say that he tried but you weren't interested so it's all your fault (conveniently forgetting events leading up to this) - or that he wanted you to say yes, so that it's leverage with carpark BJ lady or in his stupid mind?

He really doesn't get it, does he

Tbh was a bit spooked by the out of the blue oddity of it, so after floundering for words at the sheer insanity of what he was saying, just in the end said that there was no trust or respect and was happier on my own than at the thought of getting back together with him. And to go back to his 'good relationship'. And held open the door for him to leave.

You imagine in your head, or at least I did, them realising the error of their ways and there being enormous satisfaction in them realising what they have lost. But there isn't. And he hasn't realised what he has lost really (am insulted to be put in the same category as the OW!), there's an absence of shame-faced remorse or guilt.

H has been to see the ILs today so could speak to them. Maybe he's gone cold turkey on his meds!

CrotchFlakes, do you think? He's after some vitriolic and hurt response from me? (he ain't getting it) And then he can go off to the OW secure in the knowledge that there's no way back?

We are almost done with the divorce! And he has gone off with the OW! [brain spins]

have just read this thread and wanted to say that you are totally brilliant!!

Oh VB. I can't believe he's done that! Perhaps he was just checking that you weren't interested so he could eliminate you from the "choice list", as it were; or perhaps as CrotchFlakes says, he was making you to be the "bad guy" by refusing to have him back even though he asked.

Glad you kept your cool - what a bizarre way for him to go about it! And with no evidence of contrition at all - what an arse!

How much longer will the divorce take, do you think?

Thanks MigratingCoconuts for your kinds words. Hi Thumb, divorce (decree absolute) has slowed - totally my fault as it's all the legwork on the finances and just getting the uninterupted time to do it when I have work deadlines overlapping one after the other (am using up my Sat without kids to go into work) and H needs to return the forms. Am burning the candle both ends re work at the moment so house has taken on that just burlged look.
Need more hours in the day!