ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

You're a star, VB.

Thanks for the messages of support - it's really useful to have impartial advice. You make good points about overnights in a shared house being unsettling for the children. His aunt said tell him no until he can provide suitable accommodation for them including their own bed. But I have another friend saying ooh you can't deprive the kids of a father, think about what they need...but don't think I am doing that, since I am encouraging him to see them regularly in a place they are secure. I also did wonder how much pressure H might be coming under in another direction (the ow) to not see them in the family home.

The friend who told me H still cared for me blah blah was also under the impression that the OW does a fair amount of emotional blackmail on the phone- 'good you're having a nice time with your kids; I'm not' kind of thing.

Re GUM - at my insistence, dh had himself checked out after I found about about the BJs in carparks and came back all clear. Muppet didn't think he could get anything. H believes this recent infection not sexually transmitted. Either way there's an element of poetic justice.

He's not actually around because of a death in the OW's family (her father committed suicide) and has driven her 6hrs away so he can support her and her family, who he's never met. He came back midway through the week to see the kids, was obviously tired, lost his temper with older dc, was tearful (unsure exactly why) and then went back. Kept alluding to having been away/driving a long distance/kept looking at me when tearful but didn't explain anything until by text the next day...am mystified by his behaviour to be honest.

I am absolutely sure that H doesn't want to come back. He's totally thrown his all into the relationship with the OW - having given up marriage, children, home, family, I can see he has to make it work.

You keep calm and detached VB, can you sniff the aroma of trouble ahead?

I can.

The OW is going to be in turmoil regarding her father. The honeymoon period for them is cancelled. H has no emotional strength in reserve cos he's been losing the plot for a while. Sounds like OW has had majority of control but H ain't gonna be her focus at the moment. That green grass on the other side he went to play on ... Well it's not so fresh, green and happy anymore.

Keep back, focus on your kids. I think their father is in a big huge stinky mess

Personally, I think H will be keen to show what a rock he is to OW and her family as a way of forging stronger links (previously he said she is needy) rather than their relationship going belly-up. Been wondering if that was what driving back to see the kids was all about - part show, part wanting support for himself from me...hence the baleful crying when here/heavy hints about the reason for being away (phoned on the way back to give an eta, then to get me to look up a route for him, asking me if I knew why he'd been away).

Rung here tonight to speak to the kids but we were busy, got the distinct impression he does not want them to ring him.

Am practising detach, detach...it's such an instinct to support him but that's not my role now. Am wondering if it makes me callous not to really care overly much about what must be a dire situation.

VB - you are not callous! Yes, he's in a dire situation, but he chose to put himself there, you must remember this. He wanted a new life with OW, and he's going to have to take the rough with the smooth. Life can be hard and sad, and OW will need his support now, but whether he copes with that or not is irrelevant to you. It's hard when you've supported someone for so many years to withdraw that support and concern, because it's second nature as the wife to do this. But your role has changed. All he is now is the father of your kids. You no longer have to worry about him, support him or feel anything. You're free of all that.

When you said that he visited and kept looking at you all "woe is me" I recognised this. My ex stood in our kitchen after visiting kids a few days after he'd left. He did the hang dog expression and big sighs, but I just ignored him, and he slunk off. He was expecting me to comfort him, to help him cope with shitting on us from a great height. The audacity of him! But that was what he was conditioned to expect from me - because for more than 20 years I was the one who always comforted and supported him when he felt low. So I think this is what your ex was doing with you perhaps?

So not it's not callousness to feel little - it's self preservation.

You're doing well - just don't become embroiled in their lives, they've hit a hard patch - you haven't - it's their situation, not yours.

Wow what a mess he's made of everything. You OTOH are being amazingly strong!

Agree there should be no overnight visits. House shares can be a bit unpredictable IME. And I wouldn't put it past him to have the OW there at the same time.

So sorry for your difficulties, he sounds bonkers!, and controlling ,like he keeps back tracking on what he is going to do is down right cruel for you and the kids.
Please phone Womans Aid, they are marvellous , and if you fear for your saftey and the kids they can provide a SAFE house for you and family immediately, i know it is not the option many of us want to take, but it sounds like you are at the end of your tether, please look out for you and the kids, this man is STRICTLY out of order and like you said you all need to get away from him and quickly, all the best hugs to you , you sound an amazing mum and lady.

What an utter knob this man is. You are doing brilliantly and your new life without him is going to get steadily better. The thing to aim for when dealing with him right now is a sort of brisk no-nonsense uninterested cheerfulness. If he's crying, ignore it, if he whines about his life, say 'Not my problem'. It will get easier every day.

What an inspiration you are VB, have nothing more to add to the fantastic advice you have received already on this thread. You have come a long way and you exh will soon realise what a diamond he lost. Best wishes

I must use that as my mantra "what an utter knob this man is" SGB - made me laugh actually!

And he really is. He's still away with OW and family and he texted this evening to ask me if OUR wedding anniversary is today or tomorrow?

Marshmallowflump, thanks for the advice re WA, am sadly aware through other threads what invaluable help they give, however don't believe there is any physical threat from him - he is a big man (who now throws tantrums) but he would never physically hurt a woman. Plus he has left and has what he wants.

FuzzyPig456, whilst he would never plan for the OW to be there at the same time as the children, oh no, can quite imagine there could be some accidental meetings. At the moment there are a few cards I hold, such as OW's hb being unaware of the relationship and my ILs just chomping at the bit to turn up at work, but they won't be effective forever. Whilst in my head the OW will never be a suitable person to breathe the same air as my dcs (H keeps saying what a great mother she is and how good she'll be for the dcs) if she's on the scene long enough then there are certain realities I'll have to face despite the fact it goes against all my protective instincts.

I would not have a problem if H moved on and met someone else. Amongst my own family there are step-parents doing a fabulous job. But all my instincts say not to expose my young dcs to this.

I did reply to H eventually and told him I had forgotten it was our anniversary (which is true and, as a consequence, had another idyllic day with the children), and then asked why, was he celebrating it??

Then told him I really ought to do that old joke and watch our wedding video in reverse to get to the happy ending.

Utter, UTTER knob, VB. Honestly, this knob can't leave you alone, can he? What a fucking performer - so he's got to show off for OW's family and yet he can't rest until he's performed at you, plucking at your sleeve and grizzling 'Mee! Mee! You're not focussing on meeeeee'

My ILs are fab

MIL was going to text to wish H a happy anniversary! (am genuinely surprised at this hitherto unseen sarcastic side as she is normally the peace maker) but FIL doesn't want any contact with him at all.

The irony is the the ILs are actually in the same location as H, on holiday. H asked me to find out where so he could pop in to see them but they have been quite adamant they don't want to see him, and told me not to let him know where they are.

H's response was a prickly, 'that's their choice, not mine.'

SGB, you are unfortunately spot on. Whilst I liked his confidence, the show-off part to his character I didn't like, but he pretty much channelled it through work - and have to say it, he is very, very good at what he does, in a tough and pressured environment. Or at least he was. It's no coincidence imo that he is in trouble at work now, having clashed with two senior people, one of whom is the boss. Friends/family see it as all part of a massive self-destruct.

And yes he did turn to me for support again. Suppose it is the roles we had, plus have been his best friend for 20+ yrs. Didn't read the investigating report he kept thrusting under my nose, although he did precis it for me. But I did dig out his professional body information for him and told him to get in contact with them as, from a practical point of view, kids and I do need him to remain gainfully employed!

If the children weren't so young, it would be much easier on me if I didn't have to see him at all.

MN is so good for light-bulb moments.

Of course he is showing off to OWs family in this time of crisis, being the rock and sensitive soul, but as SGB pithily puts it, being an 'utter, utter knob' to me.

And it explains the weirdly odd messages about missing the kids and 'supporting' me with medical appointments (as if that makes up for leaving his marriage and 3 small children) - it's 'spillage' from what he's doing up there.

Basically, Knobbo wants everyone to think he's wonderful and for them to think he's so wonderful that they just have to let him do whatever the fuck he likes. So the more people turn around and go 'actually, not impressed mate!' the more wildly he will flail. The thing with ego-on-a-stick people like him is that they can be terrific company and very lovable - up and until they don't get their own way somehow.

Goodness VB - I have not seen any of this until just now and read through both threads (albeit not fully).

So glad he has actually left but sorry he is still being, as SGB says, an "utter knob".

Re paying for the divorce - a friend of mine divorced her H on the grounds of adultery with named party, and he ended up paying her solicitor costs. I don't know if this is standard or even possible any more (they divorced 10 years ago) but it might be worth checking. No reason why you should pay for his infidelity and wankerishness if you can make him pay for it.

Is there anyone you know who would be prepared to "host" your H meeting with the DC? Just so you get a break from having him in the house.

And since he's gone now, have you done any further re-decorating/re-arranging of stuff so that it looks different from when he lived there? If not, do that - it will make him realise that you are erasing your married life and moving on.

Sounds like you're doing a great job of keeping it all together at the moment - stay strong and ignore any pathetic texts of his - he's just trying to keep you involved and in the drama.

Just checking in to catch up, VB

Thanks Thumbwitch, the idea is a really good one, but no family here to act as buffer so I don't have to see H. I have an elderly father who lives in London and a married brother also some distance away. The advice has been that as they are so young, that little and often is the best for seeing their father in a place they feel secure. They really are too young to shuffle out the door for the day, so I don't see much option. And I do recognise they need to see their dad. If I make it too awkward then my fear is that he then takes them off to his place/involves the OW well before they are ready.

He takes them out to the park/swimming, occasionally mows the grass;I go out or get on with some task minus the children. I do worry as how long-term or feasible this arrangement is.

Wow, VB, I've just read through your thread, and while I'm afraid I don't have anything helpful to contribute, I would like to just say I am really sorry for all you have been through. Your H sounds like a complete twastard. On the other hand, your posts have shown you to have an amazing dignity and strength. Hugs to you xx

Hi AnyFucker & thanks CoffeeRevel for your kind comments, although really am just muddling through. Otoh, the house without H in it has never been tidier and am indulging myself in some truly awful TV (Emilia Fox in Catherine Cookson anyone? )

Hi too Saffysmum, how you doing? You're a bit further down the line than me, if I recall? Hope all is well with you. Thank you for all your advice. Hoping tax credits pay out soon. Things got a bit dire as completely ran out of money, so we had a freezer week, which made for some interesting food combos! Friend from abroad came to visit though and presented me with a leg of lamb, having a hankering for a proper roast dinner, and foodie treats for the children. Not sure if he realised how bad it was getting (he also treated the dcs to cinema) but if he did, will be forever thankful. Will be a lot better this month without divorce bills or his rent to pay. House now on the market.

H rang today to speak to the children, they miss him but weren't that bothered about talking on the phone. He told me some gory details I didn't need to know plus the fact that OW's family can't afford to bury him (don't think the family work) but H hardly in the position to offer largesse.

You might find it easier to cut across Knobbo when he starts on about his life - say 'It's not my business, is it?' and put the phone down. Make it clear to him that you are only going to discuss the DC and (if necessary) practical matters about the divorce, nothing else, with him.