ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

No slinking off Saffy!! And yes, you did remember to tell me the tax credits would be backdated to the point of separation. I spoke to them directly but wouldn't have known to mention it, but thanks to you

cheesecake!!

[elbows way to front of queue, plate in hand]

VB, perhaps you have to stick to the agreed plan very strictly

Him pissing around like this is bad for the kids

If he can't be stable, then you will have to be the one (as galling as that is...)

First time poster to thread (and you have been awesome so far VB), but from experience it is much easier for the children to stick to scheduled visits at your house/out in the local vicinity for the time being. You have been fantastic support for them so far, it's just a shame your ex can't be as responsible for their sake.

And, well, just keep as you are. You've been fabulous up to now so my advice is probably redundant - I just wanted to give some assurance on the arrangements you've made so far. I hope you are keeping well (and enjoying the chocolates) :)

OK it's clear that this man is going to start acting up more and more, because what he wants is attention from you. However, that doesn't mean you should give him what he wants - it's a very good idea to have set days when he sees DC but have, in the back of your mind, contingency plans for if he cancels or doesn't show up (because it will happen) - then you can just deal with him brightly and briskly - 'You're not coming? Oh that's a shame, they'll see you next time, bye.' By the sound of it he's the type who might escalate to wild threats to go and drown himself - don't take them seriously. People like this are never obliging enough to actually die and get out of your hair.

Think you are right re the strictness. Have made plans for other times this week, so we are less available if H wants to chop and change his visits.

He was sleeping over once a week to get max time with the kids he said/give me a lie-in but really didn't like it, so put a stop to that. Apart from making the evening very strained, he'd disappear to text the OW and was slipping into patterns of behaviour that jarred. He told dc1 to get out of 'his' room (it's now decorated for dd so hardly his room any longer) and I pointed out dc1 was allowed in there, it wasn't H's room any longer. This, plus him standing in my bedroom doorway and haranguing me over how the final credit card bill was to be split, was the final straw. He's suggested staying over a few times since but have always said no as that won't be the situation when we move (they'll be no room) and we all need to get used to the new situation (i.e. he does)

SGB, he has made wild threats of suicide before, in the week I went back to work after maternity leave I spent my lunchtimes listening to him cry. And when I packed his bag for him, having found he was back in contact with the OW, he did the grand histrionics of grabbing a drawer of pills and going to the car but then coming back to tell me to tell the kids it was my fault he had killed himself.

However, last week might have put paid to that. He had to confront the reality of what suicide meant - he helped OW clear her father's house after his suicide and he wasn't discovered for 10 days. Grim.

But emotional instability I'm expecting (if you can prepare yourself for that ) given he didn't make it today or some change in tactic from him.

What an immature idiot he sounds, VB. At some point you are going to be so grateful he has moved on - not yet, don't expect it, but you will.

Re. your DC seeing the OW. My friend (who divorced 10+y ago and managed to get all her solicitor's costs paid for by the philandering ex) also had her ex banned from allowing their DS to see his mistress by the solicitor/court - for 6 months. Luckily for her, by the time the 6m was over, so was the affair - but at least she had that breathing space. Maybe see if you can do something similar?

Hmm, well maybe the OW's father's suicide might act as enough of a metaphorical slap to make him behave himself for a while or at least not use 'I'll kill myself and then you'll be sorry' as a tactic. Unfortunately attention seekers do tend to carry on craving attention, so he might develop a mysterious 'illness' instead.
You're doing really well in that you're actually at the point of feeling definite disdain for him.

Whilst he's being a complete idiot, it's easy to detach and be immune to him.
I will admit, on here at least, that if he suddenly reverted to that man I loved for all those years I would find it much harder, be far more bitter I think, or if the OW was more of a class act.

H has signed my solicitor papers to say he will ultimately be paying for the divorce, although I am paying the costs upfront initially. The big costs are not the divorce but sorting the finances - it's a costly business. H wasn't going to pay, but I told him it was either adultery or unreasonable behaviour, which meant he was paying.

VB, you totally rock.

Have some of my New York vanilla cheesecake. with double cream.

again, you rock. and listen to SGB, she is spot on. We could do "illness bingo" re your STBEXH. I bet he comes up with cancer a la Anita Dobson. dum dum dum dum dum .....

sorry am leetle bit squiffy.

you still rock tho.

VB, I do sort of know what you mean. I have encountered a lot of attention seeking whangers in my time, and they often have great charm. There are one or two I could almost iimagine wanting to see again some day. But at the same time, they are whangers, and whangers they will always be.

He will have another "breakdown" quite soon

Become totally inconsolable at how he has wrecked his life

diddums

Thanks for the warning, AF. Had thought that was it, that he was moving on to a brighter better future (in his eyes),but actually it makes sense given he lives with all his possessions in one room, is in trouble at work, the OW is still with her husband (I think) and is such an emotional mess he cancels on the children. His parents are predicting the same.

Whilst it's a situation of his own making the repercussions would not be good for me and the children if he lost his job. That's why I shore him up every now and again and send him on his way.

Looking at it from his perspective his whole future rests on moving in with the OW and her children, hence the mobile phone 'love bombing' (if that's the right term?) and 'bye kids' at the drop of a hat if she's been available.

And that really has been my ace in the hole about protecting the children from it all, by insisting he gets things on a proper footing with OW first: her getting divorced, their moving in together, establishing himself as step-father to her kids first.

A horrible fine line for you to tread, VB

You feel compelled to "shore him up" with OW so he can continue to provide for you and dc, financially

I would imagine that would kill any last ounce of respect you had for him.

When will you have to stop sorting his life out for him What has to happen so you really can let him hit rock bottom, at no cost to yourself ?

It is a horrible line to tread VB, AF is right (as always - and at the euphemism.

Worse case scenario - he loses his job. I can't remember if you own/rent? If you rent, then you would be entitled to benefits if this happened. Might be worth finding out what extra you would get if he couldn't contribute at all?

If you own, then your sol will be able to advise you. I remember saying something to my sol - "what if he buggers off to Goa to find himself" - when twunt was in the middle of his very long MLC. She said, then you'd get all the equity in the house. So perhaps if you think he's really unstable and the job loss could happen, see if your sol could prepare for this and advise you.

What he's done is manipulation. Personally, I wouldn't "shore him up" - although I understand why you do. I would find out legally where I would stand if the worse happened. Then - hard though it sounds - I'd completely detach and let him crash and burn. He's toxic. You need to be strong for you and kids and not him.
Feel for you.

The situation is that I do need him to work. I've work p/t since having the dcs, my job is virtually impossible f/t with the children the ages they are, is almost uneconomic to do so and anyway with the current financial troubles f/t isn't available from my employer, even if I wanted it.

So H contributes half his salary - 25% child maintenance and 25% spousal which covers the shortfall my salary won't meet. Child/working tax credit should cover my childcare costs.

When the house is sold and I downsize, there would still be a mortgage to pay which he will still be obliged to cover, but much less of a one thanks to the equity we have. I am likely to get the bulk of the house once his pension is offset. Solicitor has already advised getting as much in a lump sum in case his income proves unreliable (at the time I thought ).

If he doesn't work, I don't think the child/working tax situation changes.

Really until the finances are sorted and I know exactly where I stand, then shoring him up is unfortunately what has to be done.

Then push, push, push to get finances sorted. Take lump sums upfront wherever possible in lieu of protracted payments which rely on him 1) remaining solvent 2) not doing a moonlit flit

You seem to be pretty switched on though.

With AF's timely warning ringing in my ears, guess who turned up at a quarter to nine this morning, with sticks of rock for everyone (???!) and in tears.

Told him I didn't want his rock, that he was far too early and we had plans for this morning (kids' reading event at the library and then a magic show) so he stropped off for a walk. Came back, apologised, said he thought holidays times were different for seeing the kids (and I pointed out we were on holiday time too, so got up later so no to early o'clock) got him to feed the youngest, and then he said he thought he'd go to bed!

However, with 3 pairs of eyes looking at us, bit my tongue, and took the kids out for their fun and left him to it.

He has since booked himself in to see the GP (a positive action at least) and has reverted to being responsible dad. He's now going to see the estate agent to get things moving on the house, book dc2 in at the doctors and take the kids to the park. Asked if I wanted to come but declined. Have arranged to get my hair cut when he next visits of Thursday. H 'joked' about staying over but I said Thursday will be fine. Mentioned taking the kids to see his new place (which he says is nice) but again said get the routine going first.

It's like he turns up in some irrational Hulk state, needs verbally a bit of straight shooting, tempered with a bit of kindness/food and then he morphs into responsible dad who's keen to get things done.

Heck, you're right, who needs the drama?

He told a friend he 'chose' to be with OW (well actually I had enough of him but hey) because he was depressed when he didn't see her and she cheered him up... am thinking of putting in a complaint!

Where does he go to sleep ?

In your old marital bed ?

What the fuck is wrong with him ? More importantly, why are you letting him continue to mark his territory in this way ? That is fucked up. It isn't his bed any more...has he forgotten that ?

Kindness/food/a cosy nap in the sheets you left but a couple of hours ago.

Perhaps he is still playing the role of father/husband/owner of the family home ? Then off he goes to shag OW.

What a ridiculous facade. Sorry, VB, I just don't get it. Is this healthy for your children ? Really ? Do they think he is coming back to stay one day ?

Not my bed! (yuech at the thought)

There is a single spare room, which he moved into when I kicked him out of ours before he left. Have since redecorated into a little girls' room for dd to play in, so dcs were excited about getting another room to play in rather than feeling sad at seeing H's 'old room' iyswim.

Am thinking one battle at a time. And the kids are spooked by his tears - hence no confrontation this morning.

But you are right, he is too comfortable here - I was aiming for civilised access/young kids feeling secure....[sigh]

Thank God he isn't in the marital bed. Sorry for my little rant-ette there

Can you see what I am saying though ? This is not a healthy dynamic, for anybody. I hope you get it sorted, ASAP.

Him still being your "husband" in every way, as far as the girls are concerned, is not helping any of you to move on.

Not my business, though, of course.

I am really sorry to say, but the only person feeling "secure" in his status here, is him

Will shut up for a bit now