Please respond, don't know what to do about this.

[marmajam]

Namechanged.
It is with a heavy heart that I say the following, but I really need advice.
Things have not been right between dh and myself for a while (no dc's as yet).
I realise that my behaviour has not been exactly great, but I am questioning what happened last night.
Trying to be as neutral as I can.
Dh has been trying to talk to me about the state of our relationship for days, he had a bit too much to drink and sat next to me on sofa. He tried to get me to converse with him, I would not. He kept going on and on. So I raised my right hand (he was to the right of me) as if to say 'enough'. I was in a bit of a temper myself, I admit as I was sick of him going on. He grabbed it and proceeded to hit himself across the face with it, saying' You are hurting me everyday like this'. He then let go of my hand and smashed a glass against his forehead. I just got up and left the room and stayed there until now.
Please I am not out for sensationalism and not a troll.
He has always had a hot temper but has not laid a finger on me before. I have been with him for 14 years. I feel a corner has been turned here. Please help.

[garlicbutter]

OMG, I've just seen your 11:13 post!

Poor you.

[lookthepartbethepart]

Marmajam, not sure why everyone is getting on your case. You sound very confused and are looking for help. It's not easy to work these things out when things are a bit of a mess and you/those around you are not necessarily seeing everything with the perfect rational clarity that outsiders have.

I would suggest that the violence plus internet flirting shows that things are definitely not right. If you can't physically leave the situation now (could you move in with friends/family temporarily?) then get yourself along to relate or a counselling service on your own so that you can work on getting your own ideas about what is going on in your life straight. It really does work and you can then evaluate whether the relationship is salvageable or whether it is, in fact, abusive - the depression you're feeling is undoubtedly linked to the state of your relationship and may have further causes that need investigation by you in order to achieve some peace of mind.

I hope you find the strength to access some counselling as it will give you some safe space (which the internet unfortunately isn't) to start to organise your thoughts and get some neutral feedback on whether you/your partner's/other's behaviour is problematic. They will also help you with strategies to resolve the things that arise.

I speak from experience. Best of luck.

[animula]

"There is no reason for him to tell my employer that I am not fit to do my job, I must make that clear. It is said to scare me."

So leave him.

What do you want from us, marmajam? Really?

Do you want us to say that he is evil, mad, manipulative and the things he says are completely insane?

We can't. We don't know you. for all I know, you are a surgeon with a bad alcohol problem. Or a police officer with a basement full of kidnapped children.

All we can say, with certainty, is that your relationship is very clearly not working. For some reason, you are inhibited about "fixing" it. You could have very good reasons for that. Or bad ones.

You can try going to "Relate" but in honesty, that is a "talking cure" relying on communication - which you are unwilling to engage in. A counsellor will probe that, and may very well end up suggesting what we are suggesting (GP).

[garlicbutter]

You shouldn't be having to put up with intimidation and endless criticism :(

[kaluki]

I say leave him.
Why are you staying with him anyway - you don't have dc and you obviously can't stand him.
The more you tell us the more of an arse he sounds, its a no brainer really.
Get out of there before he does hit you - because it seems like that is what this is all leading up to.

[marmajam]

All fair comments and food for thought. Thanks. I really must go now.

[animula]

Also, should add, if he is violent, or has violent tendencies, the depression/lack of communication may be your (safety) response to that. Joint counselling will not help in that case.

It really is hard to tell. But honestly, I think the real question is why you are staying. That suggests either some deep issues or depression.

That doesn't make you a bad person. Just a person in a relationship that isn't working.

[garlicbutter]

I'm curious as to why people say "you don't have children" as if DC were a good reason to stay with a nasty man in the house?

Not relevant to you, marmajam, I've just reached breaking point with this popular line of thought!

Your H does sound like an unpleasant, potentially dangerous piece of work. Or, to put it mildly, an arse.

It's a good idea to see Relate on your own. And your doctor! Take good care of yourself: you're the most important person, remember.

[waterrat]

I don't think simply end it will solve the problem of your distress. Did you grow up in a family where problems were buried ? Or was it the opposite - were you exposed to anger and now try to avoid confrontation?

It sounds as though both of you are very unhappy and dealing with it in different ways - while I think you would benefit from proper therapy ( definitely if you are considering a/ds do talking first ...) but right now would relate help the two of you communicate?

Burying your pain inside won't help or make it go away - sit down with your partner and tell him you will go to counselling with him to try to talk to each other - and think about why you are so unable / unwilling to talk - what are you afraid of? I recommend a book called they fuck you up by Oliver James about how our childhood affects later life

[lookthepartbethepart]

garlicbutter - couldn't agree more.

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

"the throwing of things, the threats to inform my employer that I am not fit to do my job. The threats to beat up members of my family."

That's not on and you know it. You have a lot to sort out. His behaviour is one part of it, your depression is another. A professional can help you sort out how and if the two are causally linked.

You mention being afraid of making "bad decisions" if you try ADs. If it can reassure you, my GP who I trust for her medical professionalism prescribed me ADs in order to help me make good decisions during the difficulties I am facing, and not make self-defeating choices steered by my depression. ADs shouldn't scramble your mind, but help to unscramble it. You may need to try a few to find the one that works best for you, though. Giving your GP the clearest possible list of your symptoms and feelings will help him/her prescribe the right ones (ie. are you feeling more anxious or more lethargic?)

However, ADs are not a solution on their own. Talk is an essential part of healing the mind, sorting out the problems you can't pinpoint clearly yet and working through them. Your GP could refer you to a specialist for this.

[animula]

garlicbutter - I couldn't agree with you more but women do have a tendency to be more unwilling to leave when there are children - and it would appear to be physically and practically harder, too.

Actually, I'd love to expand a bit on that, but I think I would be inviting an AIBU bun-fight onto this thread. I'm very glad you wrote that, though, garlicbutter.

[garlicbutter]

waterrat, I usually love your replies, but not this time!
sit down with your partner and tell him you will go to counselling with him

• really? It sounds as though the H has no trouble at all communicating what a terrible person OP is, how willing he is to use violence and to jeopardise her job.
  

Stonewalling looks like a rational response in this case

[garlicbutter]

Thanks, animula :) And I take your point about bunfights!

[animula]

By the way, I agree very much with lookthepartfeelthepart's advice.

[marmajam]

So much to consider. I am going to see GP about anti-depressants. Yes, I know that I don't want to be on them for life, but, if they help me through this, I want to try them.
I don't know what to say here, really, if what happened happened in isolation, perhaps I would be able to write it off as a 'one off' by a man who had been pushed to his limits. But it's not in isolation; I did not imagine the time I ended up in casualty, did not imagine the threats, did not imagine the online chats.

It's no effing wonder I am depressed. The constant bloody questioning about every little decision- e.g. Dh: 'What are we running out of foodwise?'
Me:' We are running out of x, y and z. Him: 'Are you sure? I thought we were running out of a,b and c'. Oh, yeah, harmless in itself, but the drip effect has got to me, I see that now. My confidence has ebbed to very very low and every day is a struggle. I am not happy.

animula is right. What is the point? It's not as if I have dc's (in early 30's) with him and, to be frank, I don't want to have children with him.

The practicalities of getting out scare the hell out of me, though, and I feel sick at thought of breaking away. Some family members have indicated that they will help out, but the one I thought would help, when being told of the threats about beating up my relative, told me ' To sort it out myself' and not bother her with it. So that has knocked me a bit.

[marmajam]

I am guilty of stonewalling, but I think it is a protective mechanism -albeit not a very efficient one.

[Becaroooo]

OP You are being emotionally and verbally abused by your controlling dh.

If you stay it could escalate into physical abuse.

I think you know this.

I think you know you need to leave.

Hence your stonewalling and unwillingness to talk about it????

You taking ADs will help your depression but it will not stop your husbands controlling behaviour. It will not stop him contacting other women online. It will not stop his threats. Sorry.

[marmajam]

Beccaroooo, OK, but I'd like to ask your opinion: this business I describe about him using my hand to hit himself (sounds comical but is not). Is this physical abuse in your opinion? Genuine question.

[buzzsore]

You won't need to be on anti-depressants for life by any means, it's just to get you through this part of your life. I strongly suspect that once out of this marriage, if he's as abusive as you're indicating, you will feel much much better.

You can talk to Women's Aid who will help you make an exit plan and be able to advise you how best to get out safely. You can get the police involved if he harrasses, threatens or becomes violent against you and/or your relatives. You can get legal advice and possibly get a restraining order or similar against him.

Take small steps. Just give Women's Aid a call and make an appointment with your GP, to start with.

[marmajam]

Thanks buzzsore, he is due home any minute now. I don't actually feel in danger at moment, as, if his pattern is anything to go by, he will be contrite and very sorry. But I know this will happen again, and, knowing as I do know about escalation, I think Becaroooo is right. First throwing things in my general direction, then this grabbing of my hand, next it will be a direct attack and no doubt he will be able to explain that away too.

[marmajam]

So obviously my input for this thread is over for the day. Thanks all.

[marmajam]

Anyway, have to see GP about arm as work will want a sick note. Ideal time to ask for anti-depressants and talk about this.

[Becaroooo]

OP you have said that your hand/arm now hurts...so yes IMO it is physical abuse.

I am sorry your find yourself in this situation, but you need to stop stonewalling and take action....easier said than done I know

x

[cestlavielife]

you need to split up. you need to get away from him.
by all means take Ads to help you thru this.