Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

489 replies

maristella · 05/06/2011 21:46

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected Angry

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

OP posts:
celadon · 05/06/2011 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:23

zookeeper if not rape apologists then definitely victim blaming.

Essentially you are inferring that the OP was asking for it.

Disgraceful.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 23:23

Yes Zookeeper, you and WottyWot and Bigbuttons are all rape apologists, whether you mean to be or not.

Original poster
maristella · 05/06/2011 23:24

If a total stranger had been that persistent (obviously not in bed) then you know you've just met a weirdo. But I had been in intermittent contact with this guy for over a year, regular contact for a few months, and dating with almost daily contact for well over a month. The utter confusion of having someone you know (or thought you did) and really really liked, and thought you could trust and hoped there was a future with is overwhelming.

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:24

zookeeper, no it doesn't. I have a law degree and it definitely doesn't. There is no such offence as 'aggravated rape'.

RitaMorgan · 05/06/2011 23:25

You understand what? You seem to think that the OP was somehow responsible. Women always have the right to say no, and that should always be respected.

The only person responsible for rape is the rapist.

celadon · 05/06/2011 23:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

millie30 · 05/06/2011 23:26

Zookeeper, yes you are a rape apologist. Because as soon as you lay some of the blame with the OP, you excuse the would-be rapist for some of his actions.

AyeRobot · 05/06/2011 23:26

Aggragating factors are only taken into account in sentencing.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:26

And, zookeeper, unlike something like murder there is no defence of provocation or diminished responsibility.

I think what you're referring to is the all too common attempts by the defence to 'slut shame' the victim in court.

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:27

I do not think it's ok for this to happen, I never said it was. It shouldn't happen and I am sorry it has, but all I am saying is that boundaries need to be set beforehand because so often wires and signals get mixed up. Isnt this the whole reason why in other countries and religions women cover themselves and don't go around wearing next to nothing? Its simply to prevent the men from getting aroused. I know it sound sterrible old fashioned but thats the truth.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:28

I am not apologising for rape ; nor am I suggesting that the op was in any way to blame. Confused

celadon · 05/06/2011 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

suburbophobe · 05/06/2011 23:30

If you did not want sex, you should not have gone into his bed

Lying in someone's bed does NOT give them the right to sex! DUH!

millie30 · 05/06/2011 23:30

Maristella, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. You met a guy, got to know him, and decided to spend the night with him after a few months. That is a perfectly natural progression in a relationship and you did nothing wrong. He is the only one to blame for his actions. I'm just sorry that your thread has been hijacked by some seriously warped views.

ShirleyKnot · 05/06/2011 23:30

WottyWot. I will be as personal as I like to a rape apologist such as yourself. Oh, hang on, I'm going to open my "trap" again and tell you to go fuck yourself.

Take a look at yourself, you are BLAMING the attempted rape on an upset VICTIM. You are vile.

celadon · 05/06/2011 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:31

See, Wotty, the other mistake you're making here is to think that rape is about uncontrollable sexual desire. It's not, it's about power and control and entitlement and in some cases, sadism and torture.

Your comments about women in other cultures covering themselves are monumentally stupid. Sorry to get personal, but you are clearly massively misinformed about a lot of things.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 23:31

Isnt this the whole reason why in other countries and religions women cover themselves and don't go around wearing next to nothing? Its simply to prevent the men from getting aroused. I know it sound sterrible old fashioned but thats the truth.

Ummmm...no, it's not actually. I'm really saddened by how low you hold men. You really think that men can't control themselves and their sexuality is something out of their control?

You know what, I agree with you about wires and signals getting mixed up at times. But this is not what happened here. The man tried to penetrate the woman without consent (during her sleep). The woman said no and moved away from the man. He persisted in trying to penetrate her despite her clear refusal of consent. No mixed messages whatsoever Confused

RitaMorgan · 05/06/2011 23:32

WottyWot must be a troll, no one is this moronic. Men aren't animals who can't control themselves, women aren't responsible for covering up so as never to arouse them.

Original poster
maristella · 05/06/2011 23:33

Wotty men do get aroused, especially when they wake up. But this was far removed from anything I've ever experienced. It was so different from the prodding you could normally expect, that would not have been an issue. He tried ramming his cock into me when I was asleep FFS! When I repeatedly refused he kept trying! When he wasn't successful he tried to lift my leg. At that point I had made it very clear more than 10 fucking times!

OP posts:
crispyambulance · 05/06/2011 23:34

blimey another mn thread turned witchhunt

bejeezus · 05/06/2011 23:34

Wotty- those boundaries shouldnt NEED to be set before hand. They go without saying

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:35

Madonna, I think the contrary. Have lived in many other countries and studied religions. I can't write a great deal here as I am tired and wanting to get off to bed and I can't think about it too much at this time.
I agree though that rape is about so much more than sexual desire, but I don't think you can claim this guy is a control freak,rapist and torturer when we don't really know what proceeded the night in question.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:35

I know aggravating factors are only taken into account when sentencing. This is why I am saying that rape is rape but that there varying degrees of seriousness which is why aggravating factors are taken into account, such as whether a weapon was used, whether there was prolonged violence/humiliation etc. I don't see especially aggravating factors in this case and I don't see how that makes me a rape apologist or that I am somehow blaming the OP. Save your outrage for the rapist. and Op once again if he is harassing you go to the police.