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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

489 replies

maristella · 05/06/2011 21:46

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected Angry

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 22:48

Bigbuttons SHE SAID NO!

I can understand why he tried it on, maybe he thought OP might have been up for some sleepy morning sex.

But she wasn't.

When she told him no, that was his cue to stop trying to have sex with her. But he didn't, he persisted and that is attempted rape.

Can't understand why you're making excuses for him like he's entitled to sex because a woman he already slept with is in his his bed Confused

bigbuttons · 05/06/2011 22:49

yes I do understand. I totally understand. This is why I'm in a quandary over this. yes he should have stopped, yes he was thoughtless/stupid to keep trying, but you know I've been cajoled into sex when I didn't necessarily want it at first. That hasn't made it rape.
Perhaps the bloke thought if he kept on the op might have changed her mind. That's not so unusual is it?

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 22:50

No Annie, I am just not naive now to think I can end up in the bed of a guy I don't know and for it to end all nice and sweetly. It doesnt happen! Thats life, get used to it. If you want repect for a guy you need to earn it and that doesnt generally mean going home to his bed on a first night. Been there, done it, learnt my lesson and don't do it any more!
It's pretty naive to think otherwise.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 22:51

bigbuttons, I'm sorry you were coerced into sex that you didn't want to have :(

Your partner at the time should have backed off the second you told him you didn't want to. Consenting under duress isn't consent given freely.

Original poster
maristella · 05/06/2011 22:51

atswim it was quite a while ago, and until he starts trying to contact me I'm fine, then suddenly I'm raging all over again Angry

What really sticks in my mind is how offended he looked when I jumped out of the bed, just so mortally wounded. How dare he?

OP posts:
RitaMorgan · 05/06/2011 22:52

Er, being cajoled into sex you didn't want is not normal. Neither is being threatened, bullied or physically forced.

MooncupGoddess · 05/06/2011 22:52

He tried to rape you repeatedly despite you saying NO and pushing him away, and he has been harrassing you by phone for two months afterwards? Agree that a chat with the police might be in order. Glad you are telling your mutual friend too. He should not be allowed to get away with this behaviour.

Gay40 · 05/06/2011 22:53

Yeah, I think it is unusual. Hence the millions of threads on here about men who pester and nag about sex and how they consquently don't get it.
Clearly "keeping on" doesn't work, unless you think rape is OK.

AnnieLobeseder · 05/06/2011 22:54

wotty - the op didn't say she'd just met him. She wasn't jumping into bed with a men she'd picked up in a pub. They were in a relationship and she thought he was a nice guy. Why shouldn't she have had expectations that it would end well?

Lizzabadger · 05/06/2011 22:54

Document all his attempts to contact you, make it clear once, if you haven't already, that is contact is unwanted and constitutes harassment, then go to the police if he persists.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 22:54

Wottywot, your attitude is sickening and victim blaming.

RitaMorgan · 05/06/2011 22:55

Wottywot, you sound nuts. If you sleep with a man you should expect he'll try to rape you? If he doesn't respect you he's likely to rape you?

You can't blame women for the behaviour of rapists. It's not the victim's responsibility.

Original poster
maristella · 05/06/2011 22:55

Wotty we had known each other, and liked each other for over a year. It was not our first date, it was the first time I stayed. I'm not a naive little girl, I'm not a fucking slut. I'm a woman, and I have the right to say no and for that to be respected. If he had woken me up first it might have been very different

I don't need to earn respect, I should have enough respect from any man I meet to not have to verbally and physically repeatedly try to stop him having sex with me.

OP posts:
EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 22:55

Ugh Mumsnet has gone absolutely fucking mental

WTF??????? OP you poor thing, I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience. If I were you I would write him an email saying along the lines of 'Do not contact me again. I am not intending to inform the police at present and if you cease contact I will not. However your behaviour at your house was nothing less than sexual assault and I would be within my rights to report you to the police. Do not contact me again.'

Posters who think this was ok - you are a bunch of rape apologist numpty wankers.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 22:57

I don't share you outrage OP. You invited him into your bed and had sex with him. The next morning he tried to have sex with you again . It was your right to refuse but the stupid sod kept trying. So you had to get up when presumably he stopped. Big bloody deal.

I'd be far more concerned that he's still hassling you - make a note of every time he contacts you and report it to the police who can and should serve him with an anti harrassment notice.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 22:57

AnnieLoebseder that's true. I will go even further to say that even if the OP did fancy a shag with someone she met a few hours earlier at the pub, that is her prerogative. But, if it comes to morning and he wants to go again and she doesn't, if he insists on having sex with her that is because he is a rapist, it's not because she's promiscuous or a 'slut'.

millie30 · 05/06/2011 22:57

OP, I too find the fact that he is continuing to harrass you worrying. I do think it would be a good idea to speak to the police.

Wottywot, your views are sickening.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 22:58

I am just not naive now to think I can end up in the bed of a guy I don't know and for it to end all nice and sweetly. It doesnt happen! Thats life, get used to it.

That's sad :( I've had lots of one night stands with complete strangers and none of them have tried to rape me. How sad that you see all men as potential rapists and women as responsible for avoiding rape :(

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 22:59

If a man tries to rape you, or does rape you, it is NEVER your fault.

fuzzpigFriday · 05/06/2011 22:59

So wottywot and ripeberry you presumably think that, after op and this guy had sex the previous night, she should've immediately got up and left? And by staying she gave him the signal that they'd have sex again whenever he wanted?

Insane.

millie30 · 05/06/2011 23:01

Zookeeper, yes, rape and attempted rape IS a big bloody deal.

FreudianSlipper · 05/06/2011 23:07

i am shocked that some on here feel that a woman saying no is not enough for a man to understand the signal is no go. that is not men bashing its recognising that women have the right to say no to sex anytime and trying to force a women to change her mind is attempted rape, its is saying i do not give a fuck you want i want to have sex wrong wrong wrong everything

if he is ringing after 2 months i would suggest reporting him for harassment, the police will give him a call and tell him to back off. he is unlikely to admit this to any of your mutual friends adn i feel your friends will support you, really who wants a friend like him

PogueMahone · 05/06/2011 23:07

What EricNorthmansMistress said.

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. Nothing you did brought this on.

Original poster
maristella · 05/06/2011 23:08

It is a big deal. I had to either jump out of the bed, or physically fight him off. In the moments before I jumped out I was scared stiff, literally rigid.

It's the persistent harrassment since that is bringing it all back and making me angrier. It's as if he's the injured party and wants contact, or an explanation (that no doubt he will argue). It's like an attepmt to condition me to think nothing wrong happened.

I'm so grateful for so many of your replies, I really am.

For those who think I asked for it, or am over reacting, I'm not entirely sure what to say. I hope that if you have daughters, and they find themselves in this situation, they have someone they can turn to. If this had happened to me while young and naive, and your response was the only one I had had, that could be really damaging.

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 05/06/2011 23:08

You shouldn't have to earn respect from anyone - male or female - there should be a basic level of respect there just as another human, which includes not attempting to have sex with someone unless they are showing very clearly that they are interested in sex with you.