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Original poster

He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

489 replies

maristella · 05/06/2011 21:46

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected Angry

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

OP posts:
Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:09

Im not a nutter thankyou. I'm a very 'normal' decent woman, sexually assaulted earlier in life, before I had any idea about sex and I know that my experience then was very different to a guy trying it on with me as I got older when I was in his bed of my own will. I think we need to be very carefully what we class as rape. How we interpret signals and how we give them.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:09

Well said Bertie.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:09

I think there are varying degrees of rape and in this case I just can't empathise with the the op's outrage.

ShirleyKnot · 05/06/2011 23:11

Zookeeper you are thick as mince then. RAPE IS RAPE.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:11

well said Wottywot

RitaMorgan · 05/06/2011 23:12

Wottywot, I'm sorry that you were assualted and that this has skewed your thinking on this, but No means No.

Whatever you are wearing
Wherever you are sleeping
However well you know the person
Even if you have consented to sex with them before

You always have the right to say no, and that should always be respected.

Original poster
maristella · 05/06/2011 23:12

I was not raped because he was not successful. He did more than try it on, he refused to take no for an answer. In fact the more I protested, the more he tried.

OP posts:
AyeRobot · 05/06/2011 23:13

maristella, I am sorry you have to deal with this gaggle of fuckwits tonight on top of everything.

I would suggest that you ring your local police station, tell them was he did and is still doing and see what they say. You could also try posting in the legal section in relation to restraining orders.

He clearly has a massive problem with taking no for an answer and I am almost certain that you are not the first woman that he has done this to.

I totally understand your anger. Actually, I'm glad for you that you're angry. Angry means you are paying attention and it will spur you onto action.

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:13

Thanks Zoo, you too!

ShirleyKnot · 05/06/2011 23:13

Honestly OP please ignore these Neanderthal posters. I'm surprised their hooves aren't interfering with their typing.

AyeRobot · 05/06/2011 23:15

It was attempted rape.

There are not different classes of rape.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:15

Wotty, OP and this guy had sex, they fell asleep in his bed. So far, so normal.

The following morning, the guy tries to initiate sex with OP's sleeping body. (Not so unusual but would have been polite to wake her first. I can understand his optimism.)

But this is where your logic totally loses me:

OP says 'No I do not want to have sex with you'.

Guy keeps trying to have sex with OP.

That's not a grey area. That's not a signal which is up for misinterpretation. That is a definite 'No'.

I can't see how it could have been any clearer.

The geographical location of the 'no', or the events preceding it, have absolutely no bearing on the OP's right, at that moment in time, to refuse to have sex.

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:16

My thinking isn't skewed Rita. If anything I understand a whole lot better and I also understand that if you want a man to just 'sleep' beside you for a first night, you really need to make that very clear beforehand or establish a good enough relationship between you to be able to trust him to do that.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:16

you can stop the harassment if you want to - make a note of each and every contact you have from him and report it to the police. They will and should issue an anti harassment notice.If he then contacts you they can charge him with harassment

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 23:16

I was right WottyWot :( Your boundaries have been skewed through your awful experience. I suspect that's the case with almost all women who appear to be rape-apologists.

Zookeeper - I don't think you have really understood what happened. She was asleep, in bed. A man tried to penetrate her with his penis. She said no, several times, tried to get away from him but he continued trying to penetrate her. How can you possibly rationalise that?

millie30 · 05/06/2011 23:17

Ooh now the rapist apologists are congratulating each other. Nevermind that the OP has clearly been distressed by her experience and was looking for support. What on earth would possess WOMEN to come onto this thread and tell the OP you have no sympathy, it's her fault, and all of the other rape myth bullshit that you can type? You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves.

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

AyeRobot · 05/06/2011 23:17

Just to be clear (although this does not apply to maristella's situation, though only through luck, it seems), you can't give consent to penetration whilst you are asleep.

madonnawhore · 05/06/2011 23:18

Zoo, there are not different types of rape. The law makes no distinction, or allowance, for context or intent or prior relationship between victim and rapist.

If a woman does not consent to sex , or withdraws her consent during sex, and the man persists in trying to have sex with her, or continues to have sex with her, then that is rape.

Sorry if that makes you feel uncomfortable because of things that have happened to you in the past, but those are the facts of the law.

EricNorthmansMistress · 05/06/2011 23:18

Oh Wotty that's so wrong :(

For one thing, OP had had sex with him already. That's neither here nor there though. Men can control themselves, they aren't uncontrollable sex beasts. Lying next to a man in bed doesn't give him the right to force a woman to have sex with him. I really don't understand why you think it does :(

RitaMorgan · 05/06/2011 23:19

I feel very sorry for you then Wotty, if you think it is ok for a man to try to have sex with you against you will, even after you have made clear that you are not consenting.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:20

calm down Mllie I don't think anyone on this thread could be described as a rapist apologist, whatever that means.

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:20

Why all the defensiveness? it just shows how immature you all are that you cannot talk about your views instead of diving in to make personal comments.

Wottywot · 05/06/2011 23:22

Rita I didn't say it was ok did I? I said I can understand the situation.

zookeeper · 05/06/2011 23:23

Madonnawhore yes rape is rape but the law recognises aggravating factors. Quite rightly.