He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

[maristella]

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

He didn't 'let it go' she escaped his house. He has been doing the opposite of 'letting it go' ever since by his harrassment of her.

Snaaiiilmaiiil wanting to have sex with someone at one point doesn't mean you are up for having sex with them at any and all subsequent moments - does it? You ask what had changed between the night when she wanted to and the morning that she didn't - that's so irrelevant! She didn't want to, end of story!

Tadpole - there is no argument to be made. If you are unable to say yes then the law states that you are saying no.

Yes tadpoles - but it wasn't consented to. Jesus.

We all know what consent is.

Only rapists and people who want to stand shoulder to shoulder with rapists, pretend not to.

There was no consent here.

Why are people still talking about consent nearly 400 posts in, when the OP made it very clear in her very first post, that she did not consent and that she made it violently, crystal clear that she did not consent?

What is all this about, this irrelevant discussion abut consent, confusion, mixed signals, none of which figured in this incident?

oops... over 400 posts in, even

I didn;t consent at all. I was fast asleep when he started trying, and made it very clear I didn;t want to. You've all seen my horrible foul language when I'm upset, I effed and blinded at him when half asleep. The more I spoke the more he seemed to think 'great, she's awake!' and he got worse and worse. I had been swearing, I had moved his hands and cock away repeatedly, I moved as far from him as I could, my body was rigid. He kept fucking trying. The only reason he did not get what he wanted after I had told him well over 10 times was because I jumped out of the bed. I hardly turned him down after a lapdance ffs.

I had had so many long conversations with him leading up to this, I thought he was lovely. If he had gently woken me, then tried I have no doubt that I would have willingly slept with him again but like the night before, I would have insisted he wore a condom, he wasn't.

He's not the first guy I have slept with, far from it. But never has anyone treated me like that before. He was rough with me, it hurt me. If my mind and body do not want sex then an attempt at sex hurts me, I thought I was going to be torn.

It was his attitude during, straight after and ever since that disturbs me. He took my refusal as nothing. He would have shoved his cock into me despite me repeatedly telling him to stop. He wanted to have sex with me knowing I really really did not want him to. He then had the audacity to act like the wounded party and has literally badgered me since. He won't take the hint, he is still trying to have some kind of dialogue with me after what he did and after I said I did not want a relationship. My silence should really have spoken volumes to him, yet he still tries. He's got to be told. But I'm scared that will start a dialogue with him. If I call him it will be nigh on impossible to get him off the phone, and frankly I have no desire to put myself through that, I owe him nothing. If I text him (call me a coward if you must) he will ring and ring and ring. Arrrgghhhhh!!!!!!

Can you block his number? I think your phone company should be able to? You could text him "never attempt to contact me again (or I'll call the police)" or something, then get him blocked?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

maristella. it's clear this particular man is disturbed and possibly dangerous. I can see how it must have come as a great shock to you because his previous behaviour showed nothing of this. I do agree that no means no. You said no and he should have stopped straight away. I suppose up until now I thought of him as a silly pratt who was trying it on. I can see that that's not the case.

As I said earlier, I didn't mean to cause you distress in discussing this. I think you have to decided whether you want to report him for harassment.

You are far from being a coward Marisella. You've been very brave in the way you have handled this.

You can go to the police and ask them to have a word with him about the contast harrasment without pressing charges for sexual assault you know?

If that is not something you want to do then contact your phone provider about blocking his calls.

Some men can be staggeringly stupid. YOu poor thing. YOu sound as though you did as much as you possibly could have done in the situation and well done for getting away. It is horrible to find people like this. They don't happen all the time. Credit to you for doing what you did.

No, some men can be staggeringly rapey.

I really think you need to report this man. He sounds like a danger to women - not just with the attempted rape but his absolute harassment with you since.

Take your phone to the police and tell them everything.

Then go out and get a new phone/new number and change your email address.

He is a fucking pig this man - please don't let him get away with this.

maristella you're very brave, and have behaved admirably. I would suggest taking it to the police simply so that you will have a record of what he is doing. If he continues then, at least the police will know that he has a history and you have already complained.

As to bigbuttons I am very glad not to live in your world, where a woman can invite rape upon herself, where men are stupid, violent animals who cannot control themselves, where it is acceptable to rape a sleeping partner. I'm very happy not to live in a world where if I wear a low-cut top, I am inviting sexual assault from the first man who passes and likes the look of what I've got to offer.

I suspect you have a very warped view of human sexuality, and would fit in very well in an Islamic culture of covering women up and making them responsible for men's good behaviour. There is no excuse for rape or attempted rape, and that you would try and offer reasons, says some very sad things about your life and your relationships

I agree that this man is dangerous. His behaviour is really spectactularly, excessively rapey - not just the agressive continous attempts to shove his dick in you when you were fighting him off, but the continued harassment of you afterwards. There are quite a few 'opportunistic' rapists about who will try to fuck a drunk woman or a sleeping one, or one who kissed them, but they will generally leave the woman alone afterwards - in case she does decide to press charges. As I think I said upthread, he will have done this before. There are probably quite a few women who decided to shut their eyes and 'let' him, perhaps because they were on the side of the bed nearest the wall and didn't think they could actually get away.
You have done really well OP, you fought the miserable little shit off, you know none of it was your fault, and you are being very brave. I do think a word with the police is a good idea, as someone else said: they will advise you to put it in writing that you want no further contact from him and that the police will be involved if he doesn't leave you alone.

You should not have to live in fear of this rapist calling you, coming round to your home or getting to talk to your DS.

I agree with everything in SpringchickenGoldBrass post at 22.18. I think that the police can help you to get him to leave you alone.

Meanwhile, set just his number to silent so that you can hear the mobile ring for others. Use your phone and email to help you log his harassment.

If you haven't, send him a written (text, email or letter) message saying "If you contact me again, I will call the police". People will help you if you fear he'll come round in response to any message you send him.

You're bloody amazing, Maristella. Is there a shared friend you can confide in, make it clear that the man gets off on using force and tried to rape you, and now won't stop harassing you? If you have mutual friends, they need to know what this guy is like. Who knows what's happening, maybe he's playing up the heartbroken lovesick fool ("she's not answering her phone, what did I do?") and setting him up with other women?

Could you consider an anonymous call to Crimestoppers? I'm not sure what the process is, but I think they have to report complaints to the police? Forgive me if I'm wrong.

what it does do though, in my opinion, is give the man a reasonable expectation that physical contact may be desired. In those circumstances I could not fault a man for caressing my breast or pushing against me prior to obtaining my explicit consent, even if for whatever reason his attentions were at that time unwanted because the fact is my prior behaviour has suggested a certain willing

There is NOTHING wrong with a man thinking that maybe, just maybe, there might be a repeat performance & subtlety trying to gauge the interest of his partner. The difference here, is that this guy didn't stop he tried several times & physically tried to persuade the op. He started while she was asleep & she has said how he did that, quite graphically.

At the point she refused, said no, moved away....it became attempted rape. There is a world of difference between trying to engage a partner in sexual intercourse & what the man did to the OP. I really feel for anyone who can't see that distinction & wonder what is going on in your lives that you don't see it.

maristella, I haven't read the whole thread because I've read elsewhere about the virulent rape apologism on this thread and I think my own sense of 'not-my-fault' is too fragile to withstand it! That being said, I just wanted to post and say WELL DONE for physically getting out of the bed. I would never speak for anyone else, but I think that when I was in a very similar situation I failed to prevent the outcome by being too timid/scared/whatever to just stand up and get out of the room. In my defence, he was armed, and I was at his house which was in the middle of nowhere and I had no means of getting back to civilization - nevertheless, I do sometimes think that if I'd been firmer and taken a stand, as you did, things may have turned out differently.

[I am NOT saying that your experience was less traumatic than mine, just that I think you should be very proud of yourself for taking a step which I think a lot of women are too frightened to take: actually acknowledging that what an acquaintance is doing to you is rape, and acting on that, is HARD. I'm not being very articulate tonight, sorry!]

I have never been so at a mumsnet thread, ever! This is bullshit! OP , I am so sorry for what happened to you, it is horrible, believe me I know. To the (thankfully few) posters who said "well that's men" I'm very sorry that you have such a low opinion of male sex.

When I was 19 (or 18, can't remember if it happened before or after my birthday) I was drunk and went and laid in my (at the time) boyfriend's bed and kissed him, etc. I said no when he wanted to have sex with me, and tried to fight, but I was too drunk to move properly and he did it anyway. It was my first time and it was rape. Yes, it was naieve of me, but as I said, I was too drunk to move and he was stone sober. It's RAPE, and I defy a damn one of you to say it was my fault.

I've had sex with my DH probably hundreds and hundreds of times, obviously, and we sleep in the same bed. Does that mean he can just stick it whenever he wants to? NO! It would be bloody rape!

As the mother of a son I'm very offended by this "oh he's a man, bless him, we know how they are" attitude. My son will damn well know better!

I'm shocked that some of you would treat another woman this way!

I only joined MN a couple of days ago and I've been watching this thread. Often with pure horror.

This man is worrying. I really don't think you should wait any longer before you approach the police about his continued harassment of you. Two months is far too long for him not to have understood that you don't want to know him. So go to the police. It's the harassment you need to get rid of. Frankly if it were me I don't know if I'd bother pursuing a charge of attempted rape because objectively it's his word against yours, and that may be more hassle than it's worth. But the phone provider will have records of his calls to you, and there's the emails if you haven't deleted them, so you can prove the harassment. And it's useful for the police to know about suspicious behaviour as it may relate to other crimes that you don't know about, but they do.

Radancer - welcome to mumsnet. Good post.

maristella, I hope you are ok. I have nothing to add to the good advice you have already had about your awful situation. However I did want to add my voice to those expressing horror at some of the posters on this thread.

This is a support thread, for a woman who has experienced an attempted rape. Interrogating her, making assumptions about her, debating whether she was at fault - I am utterly staggered at the stupidity of some of the views expressed and the complete lack of empathy shown to the OP. I could never understand the low rape conviction rates before, but seeing the attitudes displayed here I can. I could never understand what was meant when it is said that the trial is a second violation, but seeing how the Op has been interrogated on this, a support thread, I dread to think how a woman is treated in court. I feel very worried for my dd in a society where these views prevail.

maristella you are clearly incredibly brave to fight off your attacker and then come back to this thread and have to justify yourself to these idiots. I hope you can sort out the harassment as quickly and painlessly as possible.

And I wouldn't be surprised if some women are put off reporting rape after seeing this thread. I would now think twice if it happened to me. Nice one guys.