He tried to have sex with me while I was asleep

[maristella]

And I'm very fucking angry about it.

The more I tried to stop him, the more he interpreted my movement as a green light. I kept saying let me sleep, I rolled away until I ha nowhere left to go, I kept taking his hands and cock away from me. The only way I was able to make him stop was to get out of bed. He looked so utterly wounded and rejected

It was a new relationship, I really liked him, and this was the first time we spent the night together, and the last.

I fucking hate him, I have rejected all his calls since and he is still ringing and texting. I know I should have spelled it out to him, but I knew I would have been bombarded. He sent me loads of emails saying he wanted to spend the weekend with me and DS; he's never met my DS! I don;t ever want him to meet DS, ever! I emailed back (the only contact I've made to him since I stayed over) and said I really don;t want a relationship. But he is still fucking trying!

I could actually go to the police, which might mean that mutual friends and family are dragged into this, I might be vilified for this. I don;t want or deserve that. I could carry on dodging him. I might flip and call him a pervert and threaten to tell my family and our friends.

I just needed to let that out....

And also bigbuttons, would you argue that the trainer wearing teenager is sending out mixed signals by wearing the trainers? Would you sympathetically nod if the mugger claimed that he got confused and thoguht the teenager wanted him to take the trainers and think that yes, there's plenty of room for confusion there, after all, how is a trainer-lover to know that a teenager wearing trainers actually wants to continue wearing them himself and doesn't want a trainer-thief to relieve him of them?

I tell you what made this time different snailmail - the OP was asleep. Clearly some women think that it's a man's right to sexually assault them while they sleep but the OP doesn't and I agree with her. Some women on this thread clearly have horribly fucked up relationships where they think the men in their lives are no more than rutting boar.

I believe that most men are better than that.

Why should women have the reponsibility of esnuring they are not raped? Why not tell men it is risky to walk down a dark alley incase they rape someone? Or not go to places where women will be wearing revealing clothing incase they rape someone?

So why the fuck are you on this thread bigbuttons - in what way are you helping or supporting the OP, who did nothing to put herself at risk?

Well actually bigbuttons you're not taking a massive risk walking alone by yourself at ngiht.

YOu'd be taking a massive risk fi you allowed a male friend to accompany you - because you are far more likely to be raped by someone you know who has walked you home "for your own safety" than by a random stranger who jumps out from the mean streets of Peckham.

herbex very true of course. I have done similar things and I count myself lucky that I've got off scot free. BUt the fact that I have is luck, as it was with you.
I would like to think that most men are not sexual predators. I will never know when I walk down the street, share a cab with a stranger etc. I don't do any of this now. The risks I took as a younger woman make me shudder.
I didn't get raped because I didn't bump into/know any rapists, but I could have, easily. It was luck.

10 sensible ways to prevent rape

Rita, I'm having a debate, just like the rest of you

Men do not rape. Rapists do.

It may so happen to be that the rapist is also male, but that is all.

The argument that it is somehow a womans fault that she was raped is ignorant beyond belief. It is insulting to both men in general and the women who have faced the ordeal of rape.

You are ignoring the fact that it is well documented that rape is predominantly about power and control. In the (usually fabricated) circumstances where a woman has been giving green light signals all night and then changed her mind at the last minute, the man that rapes her isn't doing it out of uncontrolable lust. He is doing it because he is angry and frustrated that this woman has dared to say no. to make him look/feel silly or small.

The argument that what a woman wears or how she behaves will affect her chances of being raped is a red herring.
In the instances of stranger "date rape" (where a man meets a girl in a club and rapes her) he knew he was going to rape someone. that is why he had the relevant drugs in the first place. Or that he deliberatly got the woman very drunk so as to incapacitate her.

Rape within relationships is about power and control. You are seen as a possession. you have no right to say no as you belong to your rapist.

What a woman wears is very rarely the catalyst for her rape. It is all about the rapist, not the victim.

Buttons But why are you debating? Did you get lost on your way to AIBU?

This is a support thread for god sake!

Bugger off and stop posting comments that will make the OP feel worse.

Rita - people like Buttons believe that for a woman to share a bed with a man she is telling him she is "up for it" and therefore it is her own fault if he rapes her.

Snaiiiil I think the only thing that changed from the night before, was that the man now felt entitled to penetrate the OP without her permission wheareas before he didn't.

Lots of abusers are actually very respectful and hands off, up until the point where they sleep with you - and then once they've had sex with you, they think that's it, they now own you. It's a very common attitude among a certain type of man who can actually come across as quite respectful and decent until you know him well. But really, who cares, he was out of order and the OP is right to be angry with him.

maybe the Burgler that burgles the house with the open window thought that the home owner left it open deliberatly.
It was an invite to rob them?

yes yes i can see how that works.

Yes quite Mamazon.

The thing is, everyone agrees that it's better to lock your windows, doors etc.

But no-one ever makes the argument that the burglar genuinely thought he was actually being given permission to take the householder's stuff. Even the burglar doesn't make that claim, because he knows it will elicit derision and anger.

Only with rape, are people so eager to bend over backwards to believe the preposterous claims rapists make. And then everyone has the cheek to say that women lie about rape, when it's rapists who lie about it and most people are desperate to believe rapists and not to believe rape victims. Why is that, rape apologists? Why are you so fond of rapists and so un-fond of women?

mamzon sadly it appears you cannot read

actually I think you can read words but your comrehension and interpretation of said words are poor to say the least.
But please ,if you think you can quote me and show me where I said it was woman's fault that she is assulted. POeas quote where I have said it is anyone's fault that they are victim of crime......... NO wild made up versions of something I didn't say please, just actual words, words that I said that prove your accusation

by me " I have not used the word fault at any point. It is never a woman's fault if she is raped. But as Annie said, pretty well, that there are times when a person might well take a risk"
There, I've done it for you

"No he doesn't have the right to have sex with you just because. BUT you had sex with him and you are in the same bed with him so it's quite likely he would assume you'd want it again."

Bigbuttons, that was your very first post and TBH it pretty much reads that you thought the whole situation was her fault.

Not wanting to be raped = men bashing What the fuckity fucking fuck are Is BigButtons on?

Maristella really admire your attitude.

Rape is rape is rape is rape. You can marry someone and they can still be convicting of raping you. It's the law. End. Of.

I have zero tolerence for the ignorant rubbish you are spouting buttons so i am certainly not going to trawl the thread again looking for quotes.

You may not have said it is the womans fault but that is absolutly the impression you are giving.

That a woman places herself at risk by leaving the house in anything other than a turtle neck and baggy tracksuit bottoms.
That it is her responsibility to ensure she doesn't get raped.

I've had a reread of my initial post and I can't see that I have implied that at all.
There is a huge amount of men bashing on MN. It has nothing with not wanting to be raped=men bashing, that's a made up connection to suit an argument not based on what has actually been said.

thought you'd come up with that sort of excuse mamazon. The truth is you are not going to trawl through the posts looking for a post to prove your accusatoin because that post doesn't exist and you know that. I know that too.

What does your first post imply then?

I agree with you that it's a fair assumption that he would have wanted sex again. But any decent man would have not: a) tried to instigate sex while the OP was asleep and b) would have backed off big time the moment she made it abundantly clear that she was not interested.

So bigbuttons I'm still unsure what we're debating here. If you agree with the above, what the fuck are you arguing about?