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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have just split with DH

174 replies

wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 18:59

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
codswallop · 04/10/2003 19:07

Poor you - did you actually agree to end your marriage? has it beem brewing?

forestfly · 04/10/2003 19:11

You didnt do the wrong thing its really brave of you to tell people. Ive been kicked and had things thrown at me but i would never admit it. I wanted people to think i had a wonderful family, i really didnt want people hating him, i loved him so much. I knew his good side. The fact is people shouldnt treat people like this! He wont change because of the things you do, he will change when hes alone. Be strong its scarey and lonely, but dont let him back unless he knows right from wrong. Take care x

beetroot · 04/10/2003 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

JJ · 04/10/2003 19:19

Wobblyknicks, you're doing the right thing. Keep him out, keep your kids with you and your parents. Someone will come on soon and give better advice than me, I'm sure, but no one will disagree with what you're doing. They'll just be way more helpful. But please know you're doing the right thing.

Honestly, I don't think it gets better.
(sorry for any cross posting here)

Tortington · 04/10/2003 19:25

wow! i think your very brave. well done you, everyone deserves to be treated with a basic amount of dignity - you deserve yours.

the best of luck

Loobie · 04/10/2003 19:39

wobbly bit of a coward way but can you just go out with the baby to your mums before he comes round to look after it that way you wont have to see him or speak to him.
DONT let anyone treat you in this way no-one deserves to be disrespected like this for any reason.try to stay strong it sounds like you have very good family support around you,use them whenever you need and us on mumsnet of course.Take care.Love loobie xxx

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:07

Thanks for the support. I just don't know what to feel - I can't be with him but I feel so sorry for him, he really doesn't realise what he does wrong and I know he's missing dd like crazy.

Anyone been through this (forestfly?) and know how I'm supposed to get through the next few hours/days/weeks/months?

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:09

I spoke to him and he's not coming round but he wants to come tomorrow and 'discuss things'. I just don't know what the next steps are - I'm not going back to him but how do we sort things out so we both know where we stand?

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:09

And thanks a lot for all your posts, they're making me cry now!!!

OP posts:
forestfly · 04/10/2003 20:12

Do you mean financially or personally? How are you feeling? You sound quite adamant and calm. Has this been the break you have been waiting for?

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:13

I feel all over the place. I know finances and stuff have to be sorted but I'm more worried about all the personal stuff. How do I take space for myself but not deliberately trample all over him in the process?

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:14

I feel all over the place. I know finances and stuff have to be sorted but I'm more worried about all the personal stuff. How do I take space for myself but not deliberately trample all over him in the process?

OP posts:
beetroot · 04/10/2003 20:14

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:16

Thanks beetroot - I just feel so out of control of the situation!

OP posts:
forestfly · 04/10/2003 20:18

Sorry i dont understand! How will you trample all over him? Its up to you what happens now, think about what you want and call the shots, from the sounds of it hes had his chances, its your turn now. It will be difficult having space but you sound like you have a very supportive family.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:21

ff - I just feel like I'm forcing him to be away from his dd when she's only 3 months and I know he loves her more than anything and I know how much it would break my heart being in his situation. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, it was an instant mistake but I can't live with that but how do I break up with him without making him 'lose his daughter'? That's why I feel like I'm trampling over his feelings.

OP posts:
beetroot · 04/10/2003 20:27

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Message withdrawn

forestfly · 04/10/2003 20:31

I understand, you will just have to make sure he has access to your baby. Are you sure its the end? He also has to realise that good fathers dont abuse there childrens mothers! Dont feel guilty about him, really, just decide when you want him to visit. I hope your o.k. its hard enough coping with a three month old without this you must feel all over the place. Someone did tell me once though, dont make any life changing decisions in the first year of having a baby, because your tired and hormonal. I wish to be honest that i kicked my man out at the first sign of aggression. I just believed in him.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:33

Thanks both of you! I totally agree, I just need to get my head round it all!! I hate my life being taken out of my hands - just got to get it back again now!!

OP posts:
JJ · 04/10/2003 20:39

Wobblyknicks, it's always just an instant mistake. It's just that there are usually many instances.

Really, I'm sure that there will be many women on here to advise you that physical abuse is not on. (To say the least, of course.) And no one here will advise you that you should keep in touch with this man for the sake of your daughter-- the very opposite, I should think. My guess is, the general opinion will be that if you keep in touch with him it will be for his sake... you will not be helping your daughter. I know he might miss her, but she deserves more than him.

(My husband is very upset by all this and agrees with me.)

forestfly · 04/10/2003 20:41

Give yourself some time! You dont need to think about getting your life together yet. You sound very hard on yourself, you have a tiny baby and a nasty h. Look after yourself and dont give yourself a hard time, you have nothing to be sorry for. A big hug for you x

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:43

Thanks jj, I just can't help feeling how much he'll miss his daughter. I don't want to put him through that, but at the same time I know I deserve better. I'll have to compromise - he can see her but only on my terms.

I love him to bits and it hurts me but I can't live like this and I've finally realised that.

(and thank your DH too!!!)

OP posts:
forestfly · 04/10/2003 20:46

Its nice to no jj that there are still some decent men out there!

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 20:54

Thanks ff, and thanks for giving me advice even though you're going through a hard time yourself, I really appreciate having everyone on Mumsnet to talk to.

OP posts:
maomao · 04/10/2003 20:57

wobblyknicks, you are very strong. What you are doing takes soooo much courage. Just take it little steps at a time (and I'm sure that even then, sometimes little steps will seem overwhelmingly huge). It's very kind of you to think about your DH and how much he misses your DD, but really you need to make sure that you and she are safe and well looked after.

Hugs to you and your DD.

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