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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have just split with DH

174 replies

wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 18:59

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

OP posts:

M2T · 07/10/2003 10:46

WK - our posts crossed!

I think you are mad taking him back. He hits you if you don't clean the house quick enough?????
Does anyone out there know of anyone that has been like that and changed for the better?

Good luck.

M2T · 07/10/2003 10:47

Ooops Posts crossed again!

I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Janstar · 07/10/2003 10:48

Good luck to you, wobbly. What we all would like to hear is that your leopard really has changed his spots. I am sure everyone else, like me, is hoping and wishing for that on your behalf. Be strong.

Janstar · 07/10/2003 10:51

By the way, I really do understand that you don't want to be in a position where you are asking yourself if you really tried hard enough before giving up. This will answer that for you. (Sorry if that sounds negative, it isn't meant to be).

LIZS · 07/10/2003 10:52

Good luck WK. Hope the situation does improve for you and that you are able to find the counselling support in the area.

beetroot · 07/10/2003 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

wobblyknicks · 07/10/2003 10:59

Thanks again everyone. Janstar - you've hit the nail on the head. I don't want to see dd grow up with a part-time father AND have to explain to her that I didn't try counselling etc to help the situation. If DH and I separate, at least I can tell dd (and myself, just as important) that he had at least one good chance where he knew exactly what to do and what not to do and counselling to support him and still blew it.

OP posts:

whymummy · 07/10/2003 11:24

good luck WK and hugs {{{{{{{}}}}}}
well said doormat but don't waste any more time arguing with a man about domestic violence
dadslib i feel sorry for your wife,one thing is to slap each other but to kick??
grow up!!

Blu · 07/10/2003 11:45

WK, You have a big brave kind heart, and you deserve the best of luck and strength for the sake of you, your DD and DH. I do believe that people can change patterns of behaviour, but it doesn't happen by magic and good intentions alone. Apologies and contrition may amount to nothing more than manipulation if not backed up by real action: DO make an appointment with Relate, or any other recommended service, and do it today.
And I think we should all print off a copy of Alohas notes from the therapist and keep them in our back pockets...they are applicable to lots of areas of our lives.

dadslib · 07/10/2003 12:24

Message withdrawn

tigermoth · 07/10/2003 13:49

I am really glad you have reached a decision that feels right to you, wobblyknicks.

I really see what you mean about showing your dh and yourself that you now have a point of no return. I agree - you do need to feel you have tried everything to keep your marriage going, got your dh to agree to counselling, agreed the 'rules' togerther about how you live with one another (from housework details to general respect) etc.Then, as you say, if you part you will know in your heart that you tried everything. This is something IMO in the end only you can determine. I don't know how long the bad times with your dh have been going on for or how often he had broken promises. Advice to you from anyone here on mumsnet can only go so far. I think you fully realise that though.

FWIW I think the best way to emphasise the seriousness of your words to your dh is get counselling organised asap, as others have advised you already. That puts another seal on things. Even if the next weeks go really well and your dh is contrite, don't backtrack. You must be seen to mean what you say, especially since your dh has now agreed he will seek counselling. Don't let him say to you in a few weeks time, 'look we are getting along fine, I accept the blame etc so do we really need to go to see a counsellor'. Look carefully at his reaction when you organise that counselling, too. If he starts getting on the defensive and refusing, it's a big danger signal IMO. If he remembers his promise and shows some willing to go, then hopefully you have something to work with.

I do hope thihgs work out for you both and whatever the future brings, by getting this out into the open, I am sure you will make better decisions, even if that ultimately leads to leaving your dh and starting again.

forestfly · 07/10/2003 13:52

Good luck with this wk i really do hope you can be happy together. I wish you lots of hapiness

tigermoth · 07/10/2003 13:59

also I just want to say I agree with dadslib's point that arguments can be a part of marriage, and automatic reasons to end it, and that no one can be perfect overnight. How you argue and what happens inbetween the arguments are things to explore with a counsellor.

tigermoth · 07/10/2003 14:00

also I just want to say I agree with dadslib's point that arguments can be a part of marriage, and not automatic reasons to end it, and that no one can be perfect overnight. How you argue and what happens inbetween the arguments are things to explore with a counsellor.

tigermoth · 07/10/2003 14:00

kaz33 · 07/10/2003 15:19

Good luck WK - just remember a shit childhood is not an execuse for behaviour as an adult.

mammya · 07/10/2003 23:50

Good luck wobbly, I hope everything works out well for the 3 of you.

Original poster

wobblyknicks · 08/10/2003 11:06

Thanks for all the support - I'm still not sure I'm doing the right thing but we'll see how it goes.

I agree that 'zero-tolerance' is not the way to live a normal relationship but at the moment this isn't normal and I need to set myself rules to make sure I don't put up with any c**p anymore. So if he really does care that much that he wants to change, he'll have to 'walk on eggshells' and watch everything he says or does, at least for the near future. If he manages that, I'll trust him more and hopefully the counselling will start getting things back to normal.

He did ask me something last night though that set me thinking. If he kicked me again in a week he'd be straight out, or in a month, or a year - but how long does that last? If he was brilliant for 20 years and then kicked me, what would happen? Not important and he wasn't trying to cause trouble but made me think. Suppose it would depend on how he reacted afterwards.

Anyway, just to say that I've been really touched by everyone giving me good advice and supporting me in this, it's going to be hard-going but hopefully it will all work out and I'll let you know how it goes.

OP posts:

Batters · 08/10/2003 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fio2 · 08/10/2003 11:38

second batters, hope everything works out okay and you both give the conselling a good try

Twinkie · 08/10/2003 11:48

Message withdrawn

aloha · 08/10/2003 12:06

I hope this works out for you. I really, honestly do. But please do insist on the counselling. Don't feel you can't post agaiin if anything bad (or good!) happens. Shame and secrecy are the way domestic violence thrives. Nobody can be 'provoked' into beating someone up, IMO. That's just a rubbish excuse and a way to put the blame on someone else for your failings. As an adult you have to take full responsibilities for your actions. I hope that counselling will help your husband rethink your relationship for the better.

janh · 08/10/2003 13:24

wobbly, "If he kicked me again in a week he'd be straight out, or in a month, or a year - but how long does that last?"

No more kicking you, EVER, should be the place to start. If he feels the need to kick something a wall would be good.

Take care, love!

jedy · 08/10/2003 13:49

exactly Janh!
Wobbly why anybody would shout at you? WE said before we're here to support you whatever you'll decide. Stick to your guns and the best, best of luck to you! Keep posting, you're very strong and brave girl!
Dadslib we're not talking about being perfect, we're talking about NOT KICKING! of course it' ll take time but you don't imagine woman can feel safe knowing he's allowed to kick again do you?

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