Have just split with DH

[wobblyknicks]

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

ah well if that's the case, wobblyknicks, then you definitely stick to your guns, stay away and make decisions in your own time. I didn't realise you'd already left him once already. I was assuming this was the first time. Good luck for Monday.

Hi Wobbly, just read all this. Everything has been said, I just want to add my total support.

Hi Wobblynicks I have read some but not all of this thread. I see everyone has given you good advice though and im pleased you are sticking to your guns. You are right too. It is inexcusable. I was married before dh to a man who was violent when very drunk. He never laid a finger on me but came close a number of times. I divorced him. One of the fundamental reasons wasn't even my own safety although of course that was a reason, it was because I knew that if I had children with him I could never trust him alone with them in case he 'lost it'.
Good luck and well done for being so brave.

Well done wobbly. No much to add, echo everything else really

Oh my god!!! Have just had a very stressful afternoon. Had DH and his mum over again, his mum had to come to bring him. DH wanted to talk to me while his mum argued with my mum and dad.

DH seemed a lot more understanding now, without having any clue from me about what to say but I don't suddenly want to get back with him. The thing is, I think I need to figure out quick what I really do want but I've realised I've ignored my feelings for so long that I can't get in touch with them any more!!

Basically, I need to find somewhere to live. My parents have asked me to come and live with them but after talking to them after DH left, I've remembered how stressful they are. In fact, talking to them was far more stress than talking to DH! I need somewhere DH can visit (so not a women's refuge!) so that he can see dd and we can talk (I now feel safe having him in the house, but not to live). Also, we have to move out of our house asap.

To cut it short, what I really want is to find a place of my own where I can live, do what I want and sort myself out while seeing how things stand with DH. Only thing is, that's the one option that's going to put EVERYONE'S noses out of joint! I know I shouldn't be considering everyone else but what do you reckon I should say to family etc?

I just feel like everything's being taken out of my hands (why can't I take a holiday from my life?). Some more ace advice would be appreciated!

You forget everybody else for the time being, you have a very important role to lead yourself, and you cant look after anybody else untill your happy. Has your lease run out or something, if you feel safe that he knows where you live why do you have to move? Can you look for somewhere to rent or do you have no money? I think maybe your seeing the nice side of him again, i did this its wierd, you need somebody that knows you as well as they do so you start bonding again. Dont bother you will hurt again! If you feel alone go and stay with parents for a week or something, But from what you say they will drive you mad so dont move in you might get depressed and feel you have no control over your life (i did!)

ff - you're totally right about the stressing out thing, I would just have no space to think!! Problem is I do love him and it's starting to get to me that we're not together now. The lease on our current house is just about to run out and I have enough money to move but finding a house/flat round here is really difficult and all the council can offer is B&B 40 miles away!

wobbly, I don't understand either why you have to move out right now?

If youve got money maybe you could look at Estate agents letting properties in your area on line now! I know you still love him and if your anything like me you probably wish youd not told anyone so you can forgive him without people thinking your weak. Im glad you have, if it is meant to be he will come back in a year or two as a better person. As for now forget him, you cant get over what hes done, it will make you feel like c**p!

janh - our lease runs out very soon and the lettng agent wants to discuss what we're doing next week but now it's all gone to pot, so I'm going to have to get out asap.

ff - I don't know why but I've suddenly started losing it now. I can't stop crying and I feel like I've done everything wrong. I don't want him back and I don't want to be on my own with dd to look after. I haven't got anyone I can really deeply talk to and I just don't know what to do. I don't want to sound scary (I'd never do anything silly with dd to look after) but I just feel like I want everything to end. I'd feel happier if I knew I could go and throw myself off a bridge because at least then I'd have a choice but right now I feel like everything is out of control and I can't take it. I just remember when me and DH were happy and I just want that back. I've even started thinking about phoning DH and asking him to come back tonight even though I know it's stupid because I just feel so bad about everything.

Earlier I felt totally in control of everything - I don't know what's happened now.

Sorry about the self-pity!

If you get back together he will hit/hurt you again. Why wouldn't he, when you forgive him? His mother coming to your house and shouting at your parents is totally out of order. She sounds like a total bitch. You honestly deserve better than this man who belittles you, threatens you and kicks you - and won't even admit he was wrong! Can you not talk to your landlord and extend the lease on your house? Your husband wil have to pay for you and your dd so you don't have to manage everything alone. Being kicked is not normal and NOT acceptable. How would you feel if your boss kicked you? Or a traffic warden? Or a total stranger is the street. It is WORSE that the father of your child did it. Much worse. Please try to be strong.

Please don't think you have to leave ASAP. You can renew the lease and your husband will have to help pay the rent. I am sure your parents would also help out (surely?). I think it would help you to stay put in familiar surroundings. Why don't you have anyone close to talk to? What about friends? Family? Your sister? She came fast enough to help you, why not talk to her about your fears? Your dh has CAUSED this situation. He isn't the solution.

I don't really have any close friends, my best friend has gone backpacking around Europe and won't be back for 2 months. My family mean well but they just don't understand how I feel. They all just want to give me practical advice when I can't even think about sorting stuff out at the moment, I just feel like complete s**t. I don't want to get hurt but I want the man I married back again and I can't cope right now with being on my own.

It sounds pathetic but I just can't help it.

You will loose it and be afraid, you are alone and not used to it. Im sure you want his company now because you are scared about being alone. But you will also be unhappy if he came back it would just be a short term fix. What youve got to do is ride out this pain because ultimately you WILL be happier than muddling through with a W*KER. Im still scared and have moments of hysterics but i really believe something amazing is going to happen to me after all the crap ive put up with. Please please dont be afraid there are a lot of wonderful people out there. Im finding them everyday. You will start to remember how happy you once were, and wonder where you went. I really believe you can be loved more by someone else. Dont be hard on yourself scream cry if you want and learn to love yourself again. Men like that make you feel worthless and you are NOT!!!!

Wobblyknicks what you are going through now is completely normal. It is the sitting back and reflecting stage.Do you feel guilty now as he is out in the cold and everyone is arguing and you think it is your fault. Sorry wobblyknicks but it isnt any of your fault.He caused this and I agree with aloha and ff.

It is up to you whether you take him back or not and no-one can say you did it wrong/right etc it is entirely up to you as it is your life.
But you really need to put the frighteners up him. If that means leaving him/ getting him arrested etc he HAS to know that this behaviour is NOT acceptable to you.You really have to put that message across.I really hope it all goes well.

I just hate feeling so alone. If it had been bad 24/7 I could accept losing him but we did have some good times and I just want them back. I feel totally hopeless without that. I know it's only because it's a sudden shock but it doesn't help right now.

I feel like I need him but not the way he can be sometimes.

there you are then - , do the good times outweigh the bad?

It's only now I'm realising properly that something really bad has happened. So far I've felt ok because I've felt relieved he's gone but now I'm feeling really depressed about the whole thing and I want the one person who made me feel really good - which was him. I just wish he wasn't the same person who made me feel terrible too.

coddy - the good times don't excuse the bad but they're the ones I miss like crazy now. I don't have to put up with the bad now so I'm mourning the good.

You can feel good about yourself yourself - and we will hepl too!

OK wobblyknicks I can understand the lonliness.
The best advice I can give you at the moment is to ask your dh to phone up the local zero tolerance centre or womens refuge telling them he has a problem and ask them for advice ie is there any courses, anger management and asking for ways to prevent domestic violence every occuring again.
Failing that go to see his gp or a local domestic violence unit.

If he really loves you, do you think he would be willing to go through this.

If he has a problem he needs help but you dont deserve to be a punchbag while he is going through the process of rehabilitating himself.

What do you think??

WK, it's not pathetic --- it's understandable. After all, you have invested a great deal in your relationship. But I would say that after what has happened he has broken a trust that may or may not be rebuilt. I know it's easy for me to sit here and type this, but.... you are going thru an incredibly hard time right now. There will be times when you feel like kicking ass and will be strong. There will be times when you feel at a complete loss. Both things are okay to feel. What's not okay to feel is that you're completely worthless, or that you've done anything wrong. Or that you or your DD are unsafe in any way.... I know you feel that he won't physically hurt you again because he wants to look good, but can you really bank on that? Hasn't he and his mum already accused you of driving him to this behavior? Couldn't he simply say that if it were to happen again? And to clarify about what I wrote earlier, I DO think it's kind of you to think about him and his needs. But has he shown you the same kindness? I think not.... try and stay strong. It must be terribly hard going, but when you feel weak, try and remember how you felt when you felt strong. Write it down if you have to.

WK you were really strong today until you seen him. What has changed is he has made you feel guilty and it is not on. You have done nothing wrong.

Just to let you know that you are in my thoughts.

I had a longterm relationship with a man who though never hitting me, treated me like shit, verbally abused and was retrospectively probably an alcoholic. When I finally left I had little self confidence and was just shattered by the whole thing.

I remember reading something that helped me - it was a woman talking about leaving her abusive partner, she said that leaving did not make her happy but she knew that leaving gave her the opportunity to be happy again. Thats not very well put, but you get the idea.

I am now with a man, who though not perfect, treats me with respect, who gets silly when drunk not abusive. EVERYONE deserves respect. You husband is the weak person here, not you.

Keep posting - writing down things help and no one here will begrudge you your posts.

When you split up 17 months ago was it because of violence? Did he say he would change when you got back together? You will be grieving but try not to think of the good times at the moment it is too painfull, think of the worst times. How beautifull your daughter is and how happy you can be. Dont be alone , the first week of splitting up with p was spent on mumsnet and it got me through the worst hours of shock and sickness xxx