Have just split with DH

[wobblyknicks]

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

W'Nicks, big big hugs. I am relatively new here on MN, and don't 'know' you, but feel very affected by what is happening to you. I was in love beyond all description with a man with whom I developed my most excitng professional and personal adventures....and meanwhile he, through all sorts of understandable deficencies and accidents in his own background, used me, messed up his life with drugs, created debts which i was responsible for and eventually made himself homeless and bankrupt. How sorry he was and how much he loved me really was the constant background refrain.Thankfully, I did manage to extricate myself, when he hit on a behaviour that I couldn't live with. It wasn't violence, but it did feel like emotional violence. This will be the hardest, hardest time for you, I'm so sorry. But I think the warnings to be cautious are sound. He may well miss your dd, of course he will, but he will also be capable of using that to hook you in and manipulate him.
Be V V careful of accepting offers for him to care for her 'while you go to your Mums': the law has been known to come down on the side of fathers if they can say the mother ran and left the child with him...... You do sound very strong and clear even tho' you are in so much pain, and it is all right to go to pieces and feel something different every 10 seconds!

Having read what Aloha and Twinkie have written here, as well as lots of other posters, I have to say that everything they say is true. I too have suffered an abusive relationship, and my ex knew exactly how to play it. When I had had enough he knew just how much hope to hang out for me to get me back. Until the day when he had had enough and threw me out of the house with a 4 and a 1 year old.

Reading back over some of your remarks, Wobbly, you are so concerned about his pain, his depression, how he is going to cope. What about you? Do you think he is concerned for you as you are for him? He might be making some half-decent noises right now, because he has to, but it won't last. He has you well-trained to ignore your own need and pay all your attention to his.

He is a grown man who chooses his own behaviour and its consequences and he needs to experience those consequences so that he can learn to behave decently. You are not responsible for his happiness. He has made his bed and must lie on it.

He is not treating the love you give him as something valuable that has to be nurtured and cherished - how insulting is that? Don't waste any more of that precious commodity on him. Your heart and your head may be arguing, but you have to let your head rule this time. Decide not to love him any more.

While you are still weak - crushed by his bullying - this may not be easy but it is the first step towards finding yourself again. I bet you don't even really know what your own wishes and dreams are, they have been swamped by caring for him. Someone who truly loves you will build you, not crush you.

Love in itself is not a good reason to be with someone. They have to make you happy too. Not in the way a dog is happy when thrown a bone. But deep-down happy being secure in someone's love.

You only have one life - don't waste another second of it thinking about him. Everyone here will have to want better for you until you grow strong enough to want it for yourself.

Lots of love.

Wobblyknicks, I think you have been given some fantastic advice on this thread. I have no personal experience of this and it's very easy for someone who hasn't to think that if they had an abusive partner that they would just leave/kick them out.

I would just say that I think that you should get some counselling (together if possible) so that he can realise how you feel about the way he has treated you. If he doesn't respond or brushes it off then maybe hes hasn't changed and won't be able to. Either way I think you need to be sure before you let him back in.

Big hugs to you (((((())))))) You're being very brave.

wobblyknicks sorry I am so late replying to this thread, and I havent had time to read all the replies because it is so long. I have read a bit and all the advice you have been given is very good. I am sorry this has happened to you and your dd Just to let you know I am thinking or you and lol and hugs ((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Wobblyknicks I've just spoken to a therapist as I am currently writing a feature about how much we are in control when we are in love, and she said some very interesting and, I think, relevant things - I wasn't talking about your situation at all, but stuff came up that rang real bells with me.

Here's what she said:
1 It is easy to mistake dependency for love. Just because you depend on someone doesn't mean it is love.

2 You can love someone but still leave. You can say, I love this guy and still walk away. If your liver was failing you'd have to give up alcohol. It might not be easy because you like it/love it, but it is necessary for your wellbeing.

3 many of your preconcieved ideas come from your childhood. How did your mother treat your father and vice versa. What did you learn from that? Challenge your preconceived ideas - ie I am responsible for other people's happiness. My happiness is unimportant.

4 You always have a choice. Your feelings are not more real or more important than your thoughts. Some people believe that just because they have a feeling they Must follow it. That's just a belief, not a truth.

5 You can have a feeling - even a very strong feeling - and choose not to act on it if it is not in your best interests.

Not my words - hers!

Wobblyknicks - Sorry about being late in responding to thread but all of the advice is sound advice, you seem to know that you've done the right thing just keep up the good work. Both you and dd deserve to see and feel real love not pushing and kicks.

Big hugs for you and dd your doing the right thing(((()))))

how do you feel today?

wobblyknicks this might help.
good luck xx

Hi wobblyknicks, how are things?

And Frogling, how are you?

Hope you're ok w'knicks. You've had some really really good advice on here, especially the therapist's comments. I had a 2 year relationship with a controlling bastard that ended in violence. I look back now and I honestly don't recognise who I was, that's how manipulating some people can be. I felt completely dependent upon him for my happiness.

Think janstar's post is excellent, especially the 'decide not to love him' bit.

Lots of luck

Hope everything is ok wk you have not posted for a while. Thinking of you x

Message withdrawn

Wobblyknicks, some fantastic posts on here - I hope that at least some of these are helping you in this very difficult time. I hope that some of the posts esp. Aloha's last couple of posts will help others in similar situations.

Dadslib,
I am not jumping down your throat here but lets get a few things straight here.

1.about a one-off, I dont know whether it has happened to wobblynicks before or not (domestic violence) but one thing I do know is most women will NOT admit to anything until it has gone beyond a certain point and that point is not being able to cope.Domestic violence is kept as a dirty, shameful secret as you always believe your partner will change.

2. As for "ring the police" and "refuges" being dramatic tell that to the women like Lindsay Qay and others who have been subjected to domestic violence and tried to keep it secret.And for what to end up in body bags.I am not saying this was wobblynicks situation but it does happen.

3. Yes we all have rows, we all have arguments and things do get done. Yes they can be a one-off but most of the time domestic violence is an ongoing degradation of a human being.It is not just about hitting and kicking but it is mental/ financial/sexual abuse amongst other things.

4. Wobblyknicks has obviously gone beyond the point of not coping with her situation and if you were here on the weekend you would realise how frightened that girl was so please do not pass any judgements on until you know the full facts.

5. The only dramatics that happened here was people knew and could sense wobblyknicks was in trouble and she needed HELP there and then.
   We all tried to give her advice and you criticise our posts.

Please dont go there after the event.

Dadslib also I realise the situation I was in with my ex was different to wobblynicks but there is a pattern.Ask any women of an abusive relationshi[p and they will tell you the same thing.

Here, here doormat.

Thankyou to everyone for all your posts, they really mean a lot to me and I'm glad I've got somewhere else I can talk about this!!

Yesterday DH and I spent the whole day talking about everything and although I could go into every detail dd will need feeding soon so I better keep it short and sweet;

• He has agreed that what he's done in the past is totally wrong and apologised
• He agrees that if we stay together he has to follow certain 'rules' of behaviour and if he breaks just one once it's over
• He agrees that he will have to have counselling, or go to Relate or whatever else I decide would be a good idea
• He has to make more of an effort on the things he hasn't in the past, such as keeping me happy, being nicer to family etc
• He has realised (maybe for the first time) that he does make me really scared. It seems stupid to not have realised that before but with his upbringing it's less suprising.

Basically, he's going to behave exactly as I want him to behave otherwise that's him finished. He knows it's not a fresh start, it's some more time and as he's on borrowed time that can run out anytime.

Also, I have a new start that I've never had before. Before, when it's been loads of verbal abuse, I haven't known when it's bad enough to go etc. Now I have this to start from and anything else is automatically too bad to put up with. So I can't even argue with myself and said it's not too bad, because that's the rule!

And I agree with dadslib to a certain extent. DH knows logically that hurting someone is wrong but deep down he's used to that happening so he can't quite get it into his head that he shouldn't do it. From about 5, if he did anything wrong, his mum (his MUM!) used to hit him with a metal dog lead. So, that's no excuse whatsoever but more understandable than someone who had a wonderful childhood. But now DH knows that this is no excuse and he'll lose dd if he dares to overstep the mark again. This alone makes a difference because he's never really thought there would be consequences before. I think he loves me but even if he doesn't, just the threat of losing dd will keep him 'good' for now, and we can sort out our relationship as time goes on.

Dadslib - I used to 'wind him up' by not doing the housework well enough or quick enough! So I don't consider that as a valid factor in him getting angry, and he's admitted that. But he's going to help with dd more and so I can do the housework better and that 'problem' will be gone anyway.

Meant to keep this short!! Anyway, he's moved back in but only as a 'flatmate' type arrangement. And in a normal relationship this would be unfair but he's agreed that, at least for the short term, he's not even allowed to get angry with me, he's got to leave the room.

So we'll see how things go - everything is NOT suddenly back to the way it was, he's just got a slim chance to make things right, which I think he should have for the sake of dd and now if he blows it I won't be too stupid to ignore it and I promise myself that I will leave him permanently.

Thanks everyone, and don't shout at me too much - if this was any of my friends I would say they were mad but I'm only doing it because I'm now 1000% sure that I will see when he crosses the line and will leave. I told him totally seriously last night that if he ever hurt me again in any way he'd lose everything. Normally he'd laugh at that but he just agreed.

I hope this arrangement works out for you all. It sounds like you hold the cards now, which can only be a good thing IMO.

Best of luck
WSM

wobblynicks why would we shout at you.No-one can decide how you live your life and that includes your dh.
I am glad you got some things sorted and the counselling etc. Just stick to your guns.I just hope you never have to put up with this situation again.
Wishing you all the best of luck and hugs
doormat
xxx
keep in touch ok.

Well said Doormat.

I have to admit that I have hit DP before. I have no excuse for it. I was depressed and lost my temper and I didn't know how to make him stop shouting at me...... so I hit him. He actually cried that I could've done that.

It happened a few times and then one day he hit me back! I was SOOOOOO shocked and hurt and scared it was terrible.
However, I looked at it from DP's point of view.... I had hit him a number of times in the past. He retaliated once or twice. He wasn't trying to degrade me he just reached the end of his tether with me slapping him everytime we argued.

We have both calmed down now and realise that lashing out at each other was not helping!
We all do stupid things in the heat of the moment. But my DP, although he has hit me is not a wife-beater. I just wanted to make that point that there are 2 sides to some situations!

Wobblyknicks - I DO think however that your situation differs greatly and I think you are doing the right thing. This was not a heated arguement from both parties that ended in you slapping each other.
I think it's extremely worrying that he did this and treated you like a piece of sh*t. I mean really .... telling you to get out of the room!!!!!! He has problems.

I really hope you are okay now.

OK, wobbly - good luck - it sounds like a good plan as long as you can stick to it! (Try to start some counselling right away though or it might not happen, and it sounds as if he really needs it - no wonder his mum was so casual about him hurting you.)

Thanks doormat and wsm - I just want to make it plain that I'm not just accepting his pleas and going backwards again. This is a totally different start than in the past and 'zero-tolerance'. Maybe I'll be on here in a week saying I've left him but he'll have had his one proper chance and blown it and he won't have hit me because I recognise the warning signs and won't be putting up with them anymore.

Anyway, dd's stirring - can't starve her!!!

Thanks M2T and janh too!