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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have just split with DH

174 replies

wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 18:59

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 20:50

I just feel like s**t and I feel like I can't even cope with looking after my dd. It sounds horrible but I just want everything to go away, including her.

I told him I'd phone him at 9 because he wants to come and see dd tomorrow - don't know if I can face speaking to him. It would be easier if he was trying to make me feel guilty because then I could be angry at him but he's just being so reasonable and understanding, it's making me miss him like crazy.

OP posts:
janh · 05/10/2003 20:52

wobbly, nothing helpful to say really but thinking about you. Not surprised you are panicking and feeling alone and missing your DH as he used to be now - lots of good advice here, if you can tell him some of it and he will listen and consider counselling then maybe he can change.

You have done the right thing but how it will turn out is anybody's guess - but you mustn't crack now and let him back without him acknowledging his problem and doing something about it. Hugs.

janh · 05/10/2003 20:53

Could your mum have your DD for a while tomorrow, give you a break so you can think without pressure?

forestfly · 05/10/2003 20:57

I dont think you should see him tommorow, but do what you feel is right of course! I just think its to soon and you both need some breathing space to think about what has happened. What you do in the first couple of days will really effect your relationship in the future, you have to show him the reality of his behaviour. I understand abiout your daughter,i was terrible i kept them in there vests. Didnt tidy up . I lost it really! But its NORMAL!!!!!

doormat · 05/10/2003 20:59

I agree with ff and janh, he needs to face and understand the consequences of his actions and it is also too soon to see him.
He is playing Jekyll and Hyde.

forestfly · 05/10/2003 21:10

Take Care tonight WobblyKnicks, i will look in the morning to see how you are. Have a nice bath or a glass of brandy to relax yourself! Hope its not too hard for you xx

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 22:25

I just spent an hour and 20 mins on the phone to him and he really wanted to come over tonight just to look after dd and let me go to bed because he could hear I was tired but I said no and he kept angling for it but when he realised how serious I was he accepted that.

I don't know what to do because partly he sounds really sorry and as though he really knows how bad he is and how much he's go to change. But OTOH he still sounds stubborn and maybe I expect him to be crawling back 'a broken man' or something. I wish I could read his mind.

I really feel like I need him but now I don't know if I'm thinking straight or being swayed too much. Nothing feels like my decision any more, everyone's saying things I agree with but they're all conflicting!!

Do you think it would work if he came to stay as my 'nanny' and to discuss practical matters, on a day-by-day basis, so I could tell him to shove off whenever I liked? Do you think it can work living together but not behaving like a couple while you see how things stand?

If I was any of you I'd be getting dn ped off with me now, I keep changing my mind so much. My brain doesn't agree with my heart and I don't know which one is right.

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 22:28

Thanks ff, can't even be bothered to run myself a bath, just keep flitting from the settee to the PC (about 2 steps away). Eaten far too many M&M's and feel sick on top of everything. Want another pizza but can't be a*d to make it. Just can't get myself going at the moment. Today my mum had to tell me I had to have a shower there and then otherwise I might not have bothered.

Will lie on settee and imagine a bath instead!

OP posts:
whymummy · 05/10/2003 22:33

hi wobbly,why don't you stick to your guns for a little longer,is too early to let him back and no,i don't think you could live separate lifes in the same house that would make him even angrier,just give yourself more time to think and he'll have more time too to realise what he's done to you

bundle · 05/10/2003 22:36

wobblynicks, no I don't think you can live together while you sort things. me & dh went to counselling but time spent apart was just as valuable as the time we spent (literally!!) in the offices of London marriage guidance! if you do need practical help then say what you want (non-negotiable) rather than let him discuss it with you. a bit of space/perspective always helps and the emotions you are feeling are perfectly normal in this situation where your world has been turned upside down. be kind to yourself.
mmmm pizza..that sounds nice

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 22:43

Thanks, I think I just need to stop pressuring myself, and give myself more time. Now I'm a bit calmer I really do think he needs to come round more though, because I think it will stop him getting depressed and then angry because he'll still be able to see dd. And also, he won't be able to pressure me to do what he wants because I'll already be making him do what I want. Tonight I have to decide exactly what I want to happen then tell him and let him get on with it or leave.

Just this short time away has been invaluable because now he knows what I won't tolerate. I really believe he'll change, not for me but because he's scared of losing dd. And now that's it's come to a proper crisis point, I've got a marker I can look back on and give him only one more chance from. Before now, I've had trouble marking points where I should do something but now I have a definite point, the next hint of broken promises, he's out for good.

....Just got to make my mind up, that's all!!!

OP posts:
sobernow · 05/10/2003 22:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 22:56

Thanks sobernow! How do you tell when someone has really reformed and really will make a fresh start and when they're just bluffing? I know you can't keep giving violent people chances but when does someone deserve a chance and what do you think of giving someone another chance when you KNOW you'll be on your guard and definitely do something if they put a foot wrong again?

OP posts:
jedy · 05/10/2003 22:57

you said yourself you need time and NOBODY pushing you into decisions. he will be playing this way, it was said before and predictable. people can change, BUT you tried once. if he is willing, tryu this- who said it- Aloha?- ask him to get help to change. look- he did what he did and he HAS to admit it. take your time, don't rush with decisions. you will feel lonly for a good while, try not to think who he used to be but who he is. listen to your friends and family- listen carefully- but what you'll do is only up to you. i used to do it with baby- listening to people helped me to make up my mind, it was my decision. i imagine it could be similar in this situation. get as much help of your family as you want, step back if yor tired. keep thinking of DD i know she must be another load now, but think of her future, they can really remember such things (i do). it's all so emotional now i don't really know what would help you, i just throw my thoughts, but please, take yor time, don't rush decisions, there's help there! feel sooo much for you!

Frogling · 05/10/2003 23:00

Wobbly - just wanted to let you know have been thinking about you today, and I hope you are doing okay.
Have had a horrible day myself and have cried a lot, but thank goodness my mum has come to stay for a few days and Lottie (DD2) slept through last night, so got some sleep myself finally!
If anyone does live near me, would be so grateful for support - I live in Cheltenham, but bet that you are all far, far away from me! Still, am glad to have mumsnet to turn to, as it cheers me up no end to know there are always people I can 'talk' to.

jedy · 05/10/2003 23:03

HUGS Frogling, i'm far, far away from you

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 23:06

All good advice - if only I knew what to do!

Frogling - really pleased you've got your mum now. Hope some mumsnetter is near you, I'm in Cornwall so no hope - sorry!

You're all right - I HAVE to give it more time but I also HAVE to talk to DH, it's the only way I can get my head straight. Ok, he might make me feel swayed when he talks to me and straight after but I am strong and the feeling soon passes and my own brain kicks back in. That kick kicked my brain back into action and I'm already starting to be myself again - the person who will be able to cope with all this once she gets over the initial shock!

OP posts:
whymummy · 05/10/2003 23:06

i'm not near either froglin but i'm sending you lots of hugs {{{{{{{}}}}}

sobernow · 05/10/2003 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mammya · 06/10/2003 00:27

Wobblyknicks, I agree with Aloha and Jedy, don't even consider taking him back or trusting him unless he acknowledges what he's done and seeks help to sort out his abusive behaviour. The feelings you're going through are normal, there's bound to be ups and downs, you're going through a major upset and a very confusing time in terms of feelings. I was struck by something you said earlier, that you miss the good times you had with him. Just bear in mind, as a very good friend told me when I was saying the same thing, that compared with such bad times you've been through with him, anything even a tiny little bit better will have seemed absolutely fantastic.
If you really feel very bad and need to talk, try the Samaritans, they were literally a life saver for me. They will let you ramble on for ages which can help to sort out your thoughts. And of course there's always mumsnet!
Frogling, sorry to hear about your predicament, I'm not near you unfortunately, but feel free to email, and you too wobblyknicks.
Good luck to you all ((((h))))

forestfly · 06/10/2003 08:16

Hope your had a good rest, i will post more later when i get home this evening. Please dont tnink people are trying to get you to do what they think is right. We dont Know what is right for you, just advice from experience. Have a good day if you can and if you want me to find out properties to rent in Cornwall for you i will. Take Care

Twinkie · 06/10/2003 08:50

Message withdrawn

aloha · 06/10/2003 09:28

Wobblyknicks, the bit in your post about your husband being the 'only one' who can make you feel good really jumped out at me. I really suspect the reason this is the case is because he is very controlling and you have come to believe that every feeling you have is a 'gift' from this man - he can make you feel good, he can make you feel bad, he can kick you...he can do anything to you because he has eroded your sense of self and your boundaries. This really is the classic behaviour of an abuser. They are all really skilled manipulators. Yes, it must be terrifying being on your own with a baby. But look ahead five/ten years. What do you honestly see if you stay with your husband? What do you dream of in your future? Is it him? A person who relies totally on someone else for self-esteem. I really, really think you should consider some counselling to help you through this. Go with him if you really think he can change, but don't live with him while it is happening. Has he actually apologised for hurting you and agreed that it was ENTIRELY his fault? You say he is being 'reasonable' but I wonder what that actually means. I bet he's still subtly blaming you. It is NEVER your fault if someone kicks you. Suppose your boss kicked you and told you it was because your work was sloppy - would that be OK? I beg you, don't let him move in with you. I think it is a fantasy to think you can order him out any time you like. Once he's back I think it will be very hard to make him leave without some very ugly scenes. Pick up the phone to Relate. Go alone or with your partner, but don't live with him just yet. Agree, ask your mum or sister to have your dd for the day so you can have some headspace. Of course you will grieve for hte good times, but really, how long ago were they and how good were they really? Don't rush into letting him back, I really, truly think this will give him the green light to believe he can do what he likes to you and you will take it. I agree with Twinkie (who knows what she's talking about!!) that you have to do this for you. She's changed incredibly in just a few months - she's a different person (I hope I'm not speaking for you in an annoying way, Twinkie) and has a fantastic new man who loves her to bits and would no more hit her than he'd fly to the moon. That's a really possible future for you too.

aloha · 06/10/2003 09:30

BTW, to me, all this telling you what to do with your dd (you go to bed, I'll look after her - you go to your mums etc) sounds very controlling. He should be asking you not telling you!

Twinkie · 06/10/2003 09:47

Message withdrawn