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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have just split with DH

174 replies

wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 18:59

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
JJ · 04/10/2003 21:03

Umm, hmm, no. Really, I don't think you should be thinking of him in all this.

What are your dad, sister and BIL saying?

sis · 04/10/2003 21:08

Wobblyknicks, just wanted to add my sympathy at what you are going through - please remember that the well being of your daughter and yourself are the most important issues here and not whether your h's feeling are being hurt. Go with your instinct - not with any misguided feelings of guilt!

Sorry if this sounds harsh, as I don't know your H but I do want you to know that you have cyber support!

forestfly · 04/10/2003 22:29

Hope you are feeling ok this evening wob, look after yourself x

Frogling · 04/10/2003 23:01

Wobblyknicks, I can really sympathise with how you're feeling right now. My DH walked out on us two weeks ago (DD1 is 16 months, DD2 is 8 weeks old). He's been drinking way too much for months now, and has turned into someone I don't recognise anymore. He's verbally, rather than physically, abusive but it hurts so much and he thinks it's perfectly fine to treat me like a piece of s**t.
Like you, I don't want him to miss out on his children - or them on their daddy - but I'm beginning to realise that they, and I, have to come first. I love him desperately, but the person he is right now isn't the person I fell in love with.
His family, who all live very close by, keep telling me that it will all be okay and that 'as a woman' I should 'just get on with it.' So, no support there, and I'm finding it really hard with two little ones and my mum living three hours drive away, but I'm managing okay.
Anyway, what I really want to say is that you will fight your way through all of the pain you are feeling, because I'm doing the same thing right now, and your children will keep you going through all of it. DD2 smiled at me this morning just as I thought I was going to crack up, and I realised that I've got a lot to be thankful for and that it's my husband who's missing out on a great wife and two wonderful children.
You're a good person and a fantastic mum, and that's something that no-one can take away from you. I wish you all the best xx

jedy · 04/10/2003 23:24

big hugs from me too! he is an adult and should know the consequences. if he loves DD so much should respect her mother so don't feel so sorry for him. many men give up bad "habits" when meet the right woman or/and have a baby and what he's up to? don't be hard for yourself and as it was said remember you might be hormonal so give yourself time. take care and be strong

mammya · 04/10/2003 23:39

Wobblyknicks, just wanted to add my support. I understand completely what you're going through, because I went through the exact same thing, except I don't have my family around me to help. As Forestfly said, it's very, very brave of you to have told someone, I was like ff and kept it quiet for ages, until one day I could not stand it any longer and changed the locks while he was gone. I remember feeling much the same as you do now, as I thought I still loved him. That was 2 years ago now and I most definitely do not love him anymore, and looking back I wonder how I could keep loving him despite all the verbal and physical violence. I did all I could to maintain contact between him and dd (who was 8 months when we split), but last time I saw him he was abusive again and I haven't heard from him since. That was more than a month ago, and now I feel glad I don't have to deal with him anymore

Chinchilla · 04/10/2003 23:40

Wobbley - It is never acceptable to hit someone. If he can do this to you, how do you know that he won't do it to your dd one day? I know you love him, but you can also fall in love with a man who will not do this to you. It might have been the first actual violence towards you, but it has been implied before, and it certainly would not be the last time.

You can do this. Think of it as protecting your dd, even if you can't do it for yourself. Thinking of you.

mammya · 04/10/2003 23:41

sorry, didn't mean to post, just wanted to preview, oh well, nevermind.
anyway, just wanted you to know that I think of you, glad your family are nearby and helping. ((((hugs)))) to you and your baby

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 08:03

Thanks for all your support, it really means a lot (and I'm bl**dy glad I found Mumsnet now!).

Frogling - I really feel for you and I hope everything gets better soon. With my DH it's been verbal abuse for ages but because it was nothing I could identify as 'seriously bad', I just let it go on when I realise now I shouldn't have. Verbal abuse is just as bad, and it made me feel like I had no right to complain. But I've always told myself that if my partner lays a finger on me then he's history and I think if I change that, whether we've got kids or not, I'll lose the last bit of me I've got and I've given up too much for him already.

It's all starting to sink in and I'm slowly realising that I've hurt my family by all the times I've protected him and I've ignored almost everything I am and have wanted just because he wanted something different. I'm just starting to understand that if he'd ever loved me some warning signs would have sunk in by now and he'd have done anything to stop this happening. He wasn't even upset about it afterwards, he only got upset when he realised I was going to make one of us leave, and he wasn't going to be the one with dd.

And frogling, just hold your ground and ignore what his family say, even if it means you refuse to see them for a while. When MIL came with DH yesterday she kept saying she didn't excuse violence (just empty words!) but also said (in effect) that if I loved him I'd do more to make sure he didn't get that worked up!!! As if I'm supposed to have no faults and do nothing wrong just so he can control his temper!!!

Anyway, sorry for another rant, got to stop to feed the baby! Thanks to everyone, and I'm glad you're getting through it mammya.

OP posts:
whymummy · 05/10/2003 08:44

good luck wobblynicks you're doing the right thing for you and your little dd
hugs {{{{{}}}}}

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 08:51

Thanks whymummy, I'm so good at throwing all the advice about if it's somebody else in that situation but now it's me, I'm just being a bl**dy martyr and not admitting I'm right (when I actually should for once!) and feeling guilty when I haven't done anything to cause the situation!

At least now I've told Mumsnet all about it, I can never forget how I feel right now, all there in black and white (and blue)! Now if I ever feel guilt-tripped into wanting to get back with him, I'll come on Mumsnet first and hopefully I'll get so many cyber tellings-off, I'll forget the whole idea sharpish!!!

OP posts:
whymummy · 05/10/2003 09:01

yes wobbly be strong,you're not the one in the wrong and having your family around is a big advantage,they'll help you get through this and we in mumsnet will as well no matter what you decide to do
hugs xx

janh · 05/10/2003 09:42

wobbly, you sound very confident about what you are doing, hope you can keep it up and not let him try to talk you round. You know you're right.

Don't worry about what his mum said - she is bound to take his side anyway, at least at first, and he won't have told them anything like what really happened.

Stay strong!

aloha · 05/10/2003 09:55

Men who are violent always say the same thing - that it was their partner's fault for 'making' them angry. He kicked you! That's NOT a 'mistake' - a mistake is if you accidentally drop a vase, or add something up wrongly. A kick is a deliberate action. He also pushed you and shouted at you to 'get out of the room'. What possible right does he have to do any of those things to you? A man who is conistently threatening and then becomes physically violent, who alienates his partner from her own family and who insists the violence is his partner's fault for 'provoking' him is an absolutely classic abuser. Please, please get out this relationship now. He will get worse if you go back to him. He will hurt you and hurt you in front of your daughter. Do you want her to see that. Please, please get him out. Listen to your family who love you and have your best interests at heart. Do this for you and for your daughter. She deserves to see her mother treated with love and respect, not contempt and violence. See a solicitor and file for divorce. You are not trampling on his feelings. He is a criminal and an abuser, and you are quite rightly protecting yourself and your daughter from further harm and also forcing him to realise that his actions have consequences. It is not your fault he behaves the way he does, but most men who hurt their wives think the way he does (and his mother does!). Good luck. I think you have been very brave.

aloha · 05/10/2003 10:00

BTW, believe me, you are doing totally the right thing for your daughter. My parents marriage was angry, harsh, with terrible rows and some physical violence - eg heavy objects being thrown at each other, doors slammed in faces, people being pushed around, kitchen knives waved around etc. Nobody ever got hurt even, but it was utterly terrifying and traumatising and damaging. My childhood was in some ways ruined by it. Yet my mother (a product of a 1940s/50s working class upbringing) didn't feel she could leave until I was in my teens. I prayed for them to divorce. No child should have to see that sort of thing. Be strong!

fisil · 05/10/2003 10:03

You are so strong and brave. And so lucky to have all the Mumsnetters and such a supportive family. Now you know how strong and brave you can be, I hope it is going to be possible to keep it up (which is usually the difficult bit, isn't it?). Keep posting.

doormat · 05/10/2003 10:27

Wobblyknicks so sorry to hear of your situation.
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL MONDAY.
If you are frightened look in the phone book for emergency solicitors or a woman refuge and get HELP immediately. Emergency solicitors can put an injuction on him until Monday morning or whatever and keep him away.
A refuge will put you and the children in a place of safety until you sort legal and financial issues out. You will all be safe there.

If he calls around and kicks off, get the police, they will arrest him.He will go into custody but so what, at least he cant hurt you anymore.
I have put up with domestic violence most of my adult life, please dont put up with it anymore.

Can someone please find the number for the womens refuge center (national)
and put it on the screen.

I will post more but I just want to get you to see this. Sorry if anyone else posted this advice but I just wanted to write this down quickly.

doormat · 05/10/2003 10:34

I have just done a google and dont know which area this is for but they will put you in touch with someone locally.

01253 596699

doormat · 05/10/2003 10:35

that is the womans refuge phone number

forestfly · 05/10/2003 10:40

0870 599 5443 is the National no. and for anyone intrested Doormats is the Blackpool no.

WideWebWitch · 05/10/2003 10:40

Hi Wobblyknicks, here is the web site for women's Aid who might also be able to help. Agree with Aloha, please don't put up with this. You didn't do the wrong thing, not at all.

doormat · 05/10/2003 10:43

Thanx girls.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 10:45

Thanks again (I seem to keep saying that but I am really grateful), he's not likely to get violent any time soon. I think he only did it because it was kept secret and now it's out in the open he won't dare do anything else because he wants to make himself look good and make me look in the wrong. So anything that would make him look worse he won't do.

He needs to check his email and get his work, as well as see dd so I've told him he can come round at 4.30, because then my mum and dad can be here too. He's not happy with that but so what?

Will check out the women's aid website now, ta for the link.

OP posts:
doormat · 05/10/2003 10:49

Wobblyknicks this is classic behaviour out of a man who doles out abuse.
He doesnt want to be put in a bad light.
But make you look like the baddy.
The reason they do this is to alienate you from the outside world.

forestfly · 05/10/2003 10:50

Good idea having your mum and dad there. I meet my x alone and he brings me down so much. He wouldnt do that in front of anyone either, there cowards. You do sound really brave you know, you should be very very proud of yourself. Dont let him intimidate you. Oh and tell him to check his emails at an internet cafe