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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have just split with DH

174 replies

wobblyknicks · 04/10/2003 18:59

Sorry, this is going to sound like a right sympathy plea! Last night DH started an argument with me about nothing (the baby's pooey nappy for god's sake!) and he shouted at me to get out of the room and I didn't quite go quick enough so he pushed me over a chair and then kicked me (really hard) as I was leaving. It wasn't just a one off, this sort of thing has been brewing for ages and he's usually threatening but doesn't do anything about it.

So I went upstairs and phoned my dad who phoned my sister and BIL and they all came over and eventually DH left. Since then, they've all been running around doing jobs around the house (and I've had no space) and today DH and HIS MUM (!!!) to have a talk (ie have a go at me).

And I've got to phone him now to tell him he can't come round tonight and look after the baby while I go to my mum and dad's (like he wants), and I'm dreading speaking to him again.

Please tell me what you think, even if it's that I did the wrong thing......and sorry for the rant!

OP posts:
WSM · 05/10/2003 10:51

Wobbly, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I agree with all here, get away and stay away from him.

I grew up with a very violent alcoholic father who would frequently beat, punch, kick my mother in front of me. In fact one of my earliest memories is being at my Nanna's house and my parents having a blazing row (an affair accusation I think). My mum took me and ran to the nearest bus stop so that we could get away. He followed us. He caught up with us at the bus stop, grabbed my mother and pinned her on the road (busy with lots of oncoming traffic). He was 6ft 4 and very muscular, she was 5ft 4 and 8st, she stood no chance against him. She was screaming for help and he was so angry, I leapt on his back and was gouging at his eyes begging him to stop. He didn't. Cars were swerving and beeping their horns to avoid her, nobody stopped to help, not one person. God knows how many cars passed us and upwards of 10 people on foot must have gone by, nobody did a thing. Somehow Mum managed to get up and Mum and I got on the bus, begging the driver to go NOW. I was less than 5 years old when this happened and I still remember it as vividly as if it were yesterday. This story is an example of how damaging domestic violence is on children, they see and remember things you'd never expect them to. My parents separated when I was 6, I last saw him when I was 10 years old. The very thought of him makes me feel sick to my stomach with rage.

Everybody here has given good advice, please heed it and don't punish yourself for his behaviour.

Best of luck
WSM

doormat · 05/10/2003 10:53

WSM my 4 children cant remember anything of their childhood when I was with ex h. That is what domestic violence did to them and I will never forgive myself for not doing something sooner because of this.

forestfly · 05/10/2003 10:57

Doormat, forgive yourself! Ill email you when i can x

WSM · 05/10/2003 10:59

Like you said Doormat, your ex did everything he could to 'brainwash' you, make you feel alienated from everyone and anyone. You found the strength to break away, it must be very hard to think outside of his 'conditioning'. Be proud that you did.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 11:01

doormat - poor you, at least they know you love them though, surely most important IMO.

forest - got to set up a new email account with hotmail because DH can get into my current email. Will do it now and post when I have.

OP posts:
doormat · 05/10/2003 11:07

wobblyknicks I am very worried about you, never mind about me.I just want to tell you what domestic violence CAN do to children.
I just want you to be safe.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 11:17

Thanks doormat, but I'm much better already now he's out of my life (ok, not totally but IYSWIM).

Have changed my email address now forest, got a sparkly new one with lycos!!!

OP posts:
forestfly · 05/10/2003 11:19

Ill email you when i can it wont be until tom. take care and treat yourself to lots of pampering today. You deserve it x

doormat · 05/10/2003 11:19

wobblyknicks if you want to email me feel free.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 11:20

Thanks doormat, but I'm much better already now he's out of my life (ok, not totally but IYSWIM).

Have changed my email address now forest, got a sparkly new one with lycos!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 11:22

Oops, don't know how that double post happened!

Thanks doormat and forest - email would be good.

WSM - I'm really sorry you had to see that happen to your mum. That just makes me feel more strongly about what I've done, dd might hate the fact that she hasn't got a full-time dad but at least she should never have to go through that.

OP posts:
WSM · 05/10/2003 11:24

Your daughter will understand why you and her father didn't work out when she is old enough. FWIW, I have never felt angry at my Mum for what happened to us.

doormat · 05/10/2003 11:27

My kids are not angry with me for what i did. I think they buried it deep inside.The eldest can remember the last hiding I got and she tells the others what she heard that night.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 11:28

WSM - thanks, I hope she understands. Do you think you'd still feel ok at your mum if you hadn't seen any of what happened and your dad seemed perfectly nice to you? That's what I know will happen and I'm worried dd won't believe me but at least all of my family can tell her what he's like. And his family are so s**t, they won't be able to pull the wool over her eyes (because of course she'll be v.intelligent and be off at Oxbridge or somewhere!!)

OP posts:
doormat · 05/10/2003 11:31

wobblyknicks my kids never seen it, they seen the after effects of me walking round limping, bruises etc.They used to hear it, but I would try to keep it quiet.

motherinferior · 05/10/2003 11:34

WK - big hugs. And Frogling - how are you? My god, your baby's tiny. Is there anything we can do?

Loobie · 05/10/2003 12:10

frogling where abouts are you is there any of us close by that can give you a hand im sure no-one will mind me offering on their behalf(i hope)

doormat · 05/10/2003 12:13

I dont mind helping out frogling if you live near me.

forestfly · 05/10/2003 12:22

Frogling, et al. the man i fell in love with, threw the remote control at me last week so hard that my leg went black. God only knows what happens to these men, and when they'll wake up. Since p left he has become worse and worse the verbal abuse is sick. I feel like the man i met is dead and am grieving for him. How does someone change that you had absolute trust in . It has been a major shock to me, i feel sorry for him and want him to wake up to what he has been doing. But he may never . Again as everybody has said if you need anything let us know

lucy123 · 05/10/2003 12:28

Just caught up with this thread.

Wobblyknicks - like the others say, stick to your guns! (I'm sure you will now anyway)

Frogling, I hope you find the strength to deal with everything, especially with such a little baby.

bossykate · 05/10/2003 12:28

what awful stories!

wk, frogling, you're both very brave, stay strong, don't hesitate to call for help when you need it, be it police, women's aid or whoever.

good luck to you both.

suedonim · 05/10/2003 12:49

I'm really shocked at these stories and am so sorry that any of you has had to go through such cr*p.

I don't have any personal experience but a friend has recently been through a messy split with her D(espicable)H. One bit of advice she was given was to keep a note of every incident, for future reference, and to get any injuries noted on her medical records by a health professional.

This man also played the most appalling mind games, as the marriage was breaking down, saying things to their two children like 'Daddy had better drive today, hadn't he, because we don't want silly Mummy killing us all with her bad driving, do we?' And to outsiders, he was the most caring man that walked this earth.......

rivig · 05/10/2003 13:09

Just wanted to send my cyber hugs too.

One thought is that its really good that you are putting a stop to DH treating you like this right now. Can't bear to imagine what it would be like for your DD if she could see what DH did to her mummy. My only experience of such relationships is of a relation who I loved very much and it took her 20+ years to say enough now. It got worse (I have never heard of a relaltionship where it got better!) and sometimes we would visit and couldn't even see my relation as she was so badly bruised. What her children went through has of course affected them a great deal but individually they decided whether or not to keep in touch with their dad. Love is a strange thing - whatever you do you are not stopping your dd from having a daddy he is the one acting in the wrong. I am so glad to read that you have family and they are strong with you. Lots of hugs and lots of good luck to remain strong for your sake and your dear dd.

tigermoth · 05/10/2003 14:28

wobblyknicks, I'm extremely glad you have a supportive family around you. You sound amazingly clear headed considering what's happened to you in the last 24 hours. I hope your intuition and judgement hold strong in the next weeks, whatever decisions you make.

I just wanted to add, please don't feel you must stick by anything you say on this thread. It's your future, whether you decide it's all over for ever with your dh, or you want a temporay separation with a view to working things out, or you don't want to decide anything at all for a while. In the end no one knows your dh and your marriage better than you. Take care.

Frogling, your story worried me - with no family of your own near you and such a young baby, it must take huge amounts of resiliance to do what you are doing. I do hope you have good friends who are looking out for you. Please post if there's anything practical you need, or even if you fancy meeting up with a mumsnetter in your area for a coffee. I'm sure someone will be there for you.

Doormat, whenever I read your messages about your first marriage, I feel so bad for you. Please don't feel guilty about your children's lack of memories of that time.Thanks to your actions, I am sure they will have lots of happy memories too. My mother and father went through bad times when I was very little - my dad was mentally ill and my mother left him when I was 6 (but, she still cared for him, and they lived together again more or less in harmony when I was in my teens).

I do remember the rows - nothing violent happened as far as I am aware, but there were some serious verbal fights over who had custody of me. It was only when I went through legal papers after their deaths that I remembered what an impact this made on my mother at the time. According to my older cousin, in one fight my dad griped hold of my legs and tried to pull me away while she and my mother held on to me. I would have been about 3 or 4 years old. I remember absolutely nothing of it. I do remember my mother giving me a wonderful, stable childhood with lots of love and attention and as an adult, I have never really felt haunted or held back by my parent's difficulties in my early years.

Original poster
wobblyknicks · 05/10/2003 14:39

tigermoth - thanks but I want people to stop me going back to him. I left him 17 months ago but he gave me a huge sob story of how he'd changed so I went back and since then I've just been too stupid to realise it's bad enough to leave. And I KNOW it's best for me and dd to be away from him so if I ever get swayed again I WANT someone to stop me! Maybe if he really does change we could get back together but that would be a long time in the future - years rather than weeks or months.

I need to leave it a LONG time because I can't trust him and I can't trust myself to make the right decision unless I have a huge amount of time to look at the situation and think about things, which I obviously wouldn't have done if I just suddenly decide to get back with him.

No-one likes admitting their faults but one of mine is that at times I'm too willing to make more and more allowances for people until I talk myself into doing something totally wrong. Only giving myself loads of time to think can stop me doing that and that's what I need to make sure I do. Even if I'm 110% sure I want to get back with him (not going to happen at the moment - I'm not even 1% sure!) then I still need to 'forced' to wait a while!!!

OP posts: