Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH texting woman from work

176 replies

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:14

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 07/06/2011 16:48

OK, so he bought out of this thing a LONG time ago. A letter from the bank ALREADY? SOrt out joint accounts ASAP! and make sure he can't take anything he's not entitled to. Do NOT allow him access to the house to pick up his stuff when you are not there - he will walk out with things that arne't his. Trust me. My husband's ex wife did it - and she was leaving the kids with him, but thought he might not need the TV/microwave, etc... Thank god he came back when he did!!!!

Look - try not to let anger cloud your judgement. This is purely business now. If that is how he wants to play it, then let him. He can make his own way now with the other woman, or whoever. You need to get to a solicitor or somebody with expertise who can tell you what needs to be done.

Try not to care about what he is telling people. Be honest - if you have been a decent person then your previous actions will speak for themselves. Only you will know that. DON'T use DS as a weapon - if you can bring yourself to, allow him access to him, but make sure you take the fucker for every penny that he should be paying for CSA. Two can play at that game. If he wishes to make it official, so be it.

Keep us posted. I am sorry, but long term, you are better off. You can't build a long term relationship with a man who thinks it is appropriate to be an adulterer. That is what it is, bottom line.

Good luck, my dear...

Bucharest · 07/06/2011 16:49

He went on Thursday and the bank are already writing to you?

Blimey that's efficient.

Original poster
mazfah · 07/06/2011 17:09

I honestly did think that with a bit of space that he'd cool off and talk about it.

The letter from the bank was literally just to confirm a change of address. It was addressed to him and I opened it thinking it might be a statement and I could have a snoop at what he was up to. He must've changed it on Friday, or maybe before he even left. I don't know what is going on in his head. I suppose if there was an established affair he may not have wanted me opening his bank statements.

I know I'll be better off in the long run as truthfully I haven't been 100% happy for a while but I thought that was just the stress of having a toddler and sleepless nights and H working long hours.

He just can't see long term.

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 08/06/2011 20:21

Hi.... not seen anything from you today - just checking in to see that you are coping alright. Have you heard from your dh at all? Any news? How is your little boy getting on?
Thinking of you.

maandpa · 08/06/2011 23:38

Just checking in too. xx

Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 07:53

No news, phoned to make an appointment for legal advice but can't do anything until I get confirmation of income support for legal aid. As H left us with nothing I can't afford it without.

He hasn't contacted us but DS is fine and loved and we're sticking to our routine so nothing has changed for him.

I've lost a lot of weight over the last year and am a stone away from my pre-pregnancy weight. I've hung up all my beautiful dresses that I kept as motivation. There is a lot more space now!

Can't wait to get back into my nice clothes.

Thank you for caring, there are a couple of posts that seem to imply this isn't real. I wish it wasn't. To find out someone you love can just switch off from their family is gutting. I feel like we never existed.

OP posts:
Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 12:17

He's emailed my dad about contact and maintenance. MY DAD.

OP posts:
Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 14:05

So...

H just called. It was surprisingly fine. Just want to sort out everything with the minimum of fuss and bother. I don't want to bitter about it. He's having DS so I can still go to my competition and is going to still pay nursery fees and have DS every other weekend. Looking for a flat at the moment, which he is happy for me to see before he has DS there. No mention of whether or not he is with OW and I thought it best not to raise the subject.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 09/06/2011 14:10

He he, I'm guessing your dad may have told him to talk to YOU about contact/maintenance?

You are doing SO well mazfah, really!

Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 16:04

Eugh, I want to shout at him and swear and demand answers but I don't think that'll help in the long run. I have to keep repeating 'Do what is best for DS', and that is to not have his parents at each others' throats.

I don't think I'll ever get answers or find out what was the straw that broke the camel's back but I suppose it doesn't really matter now.

The break up has officially started.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 09/06/2011 18:28

No it doesn't matter. what matters is YOU and DS, nothing more.

LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 09/06/2011 19:02

God, you are AMAZING!!!
I honestly think that if you maintain your composure - in front of him, at least - you can scream and shout on here if you need to... - then he WILL look back and think of you with respect. That may not matter to you now, but believe me, it will play a part in how he acts in the future. If you can act like an adult, he is more likely to be less of a pain in the butt. He may start to kick up in teh future when the reality of what he has done starts to kick in, but if you have left him nothing to abrade you with, so much the better.

HOnestly. I can't begin to tell you how much respect I have for your behaviour. What a bloody role model you are!!! (How was your father. That must have sucked MIGHTILY, him having to cope with that phonecall.)

Well done. x

waspbee · 09/06/2011 19:16

i have to 2nd LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay

Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 19:24

He's being a but of a twat. Said that he wanted to have DS for over 48 hours on the weekend of the 25th (family wedding) but DS hasn't seen him properly for two months. He lives in a fantasy land, DS has never been away from me for that long.

Going to pass on the number of someone in CAFCASS/similar which will hopefully give him a reality check. Don't get me wrong, a whole weekend to spend how I wish sounds amazing, but not as DS' expense.

The funny thing is he didn't even want him on Father's Day, and when I brought it up he said 'I'll pick him up after his nap so he's in a good mood'. DS usually wakes up around 1pm. What the hell will he do when he has him for 48 hours?

Dreading next Christmas. I've got DS this year but next year will be hideous.

OP posts:
Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 19:28

I don't want him to have DS that long yet, I want to do every weekend, one day each. DS won't understand if H takes him for that long. DS is so friendly and kind and happy but he can't talk properly yet and relies on me. He's not quite two. I think it's a ridiculously long time to ask for considering it'll be the first time DS and H see each other for two months.

I blame H's mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
mazfah · 09/06/2011 19:28

Ps - thank you x

OP posts:
waspbee · 10/06/2011 12:25

are you ok? x

TotallyLovely · 11/06/2011 08:15

They haven't seen each other for 2 months?! Didn't he only move out last week? Do you mean that the first time they will have really spent any time together in 2 months?

Original poster
mazfah · 11/06/2011 10:21

Yes, that's what I meant, and in the two months I included the month between when he left and the 25th.

The previous weekends he had been away (because he didn't feel like a family) and only occasinally saw DS for half an hour before he left for work.

Trying to remain non-plussed and not get angry as it's such a waste of energy.

Set up home at my parents and everything looks lovely. They are over the moon to have DS with them.

OP posts:
TotallyLovely · 11/06/2011 12:35

So you're living with your parents now or just staying a while?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it must be awful. I must say though that he sounds like a rather crap husband and father. You may find that your life is happier and more fulfilled in the long run.

Original poster
mazfah · 11/06/2011 22:04

Not sure re living with my parents. I have MH problems and want to stay somewhere 'safe' while all this goes on. My parents have been there simce day one with my MH so I feels better than living alone at the moment.

That's not to say I couldn't cope living alone with DS, but at the moment I'd rather not risk it.

I do feel like a weight has been lifted, I don't feel uptight about pleasing H anymore. It's all moved so fast and has only been just over a week but I have so much more (nervous) energy. The biggest hurdle is that (in H's own words) we were good friends and I want to tell him about all the funny things DS and I have done/seen but I won't let myself.

Even got him a Father's Day card from DS which didn't call him a cunt. I'm obviously a good person Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
mazfah · 11/06/2011 22:06

I'm a bit drunk, I would correct all the typos but there are too many.

OP posts:
TotallyLovely · 12/06/2011 11:31

How you feeling today?

Original poster
mazfah · 19/06/2011 10:27

H (soon to be ex) just picked up DS to take him out. Feels really weird. He did bring his mum along (God forbid he looks after his own son on his own.) He was quite sullen but his mum was nice, and DS looked pleased to see him for the first time properly in bloody weeks.

I even swallowed my pride and put a Father's Day card in DS' bag of clothes. Bit surprised he couldn't even manage a few pleasantries but at least I'd done my hair, put on some make-up and have lost enough weight to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes. Swings and roundabouts!

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 19/06/2011 10:59

the fact you looked good is what wiped the smile off his face.... shows you are coping without him!

Good for you! glad his mum was nice, do we spy a potential ally? Smile