DH texting woman from work

[mazfah]

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

Sorry to hear of these recent developments.

He may get a nasty shock soon, and he may regret his hasty decision.

I'm so glad you and your ds are going to see a friend this weekend. Lets your friends and family help you through this difficult period.

Don't lose hope that the situation can't be reversed, if he realizes what he stands to lose. The affair will obviously be out in the open soon. And therefore open to scrutiny by his friends, your friends, both sets of family. This will seriously take the shine off the relationship with OW. And the reality of the situation will set in.

Keep the lines of communication open. And keep posting.

Wow, that moved quickly.

How are you feeling today OP?

Hope you are ok.

My friends and I (all female) have all had married men bombard us with texts even though we were not the least bit interested in shagging them . To be frank we got fed up with them ..... get a mobile and start texting all your friends like he does. Be too busy with your friends and see what he makes of that!!

So sorry to read this thread. One point - don't on any account get a job "sharpish" because it will just count against you in the divorce. Speak to a solicitor first, don't send any emails or put anything in writing to your husband about money, the house or jobs. At the moment you are a SAHM - don't change that. On the contrary, argue that the shock to you and your DS has made you quite incapable of working. Your DH is a piece of work and you a going to have to get tough in order to protect your long-term position. The good news is that he has a job. Try to get his payslips copied and copy all financial info and take any money out of joint accounts and put it in your sole name.

Had a brilliant weekend with friends and DS. I'm not angry anymore, just disappointed H is totally unwilling to try anything to get us back on track. Had no contact since Thursday and as someone pointed out earlier, it seems H mentally left our relationship a long time ago and has effectively moved on.

I presume he's with mates drinking, texting women and playing computer games. Can't see him wanting to give that up fpr sleepless nights and housework. AKA real life.

Will post more when DS is in bed or tomrrow.

:) fab!

Good to hear your friends are rallying round

Good for you. Glad to hear that you're feeling more positive mentally. God - it's SO his loss, and just keep that thought and be strong, m'dear....

And very best of good luck to him too, what with the funky text sex and computer games. It's great behaving like a child, don't you think?....

Finding it difficult not to phone H and ask him to come back and talk about it. He probably wouldn't answer my calls anyway. I do still want to fix it and in the back of my mind I hope he might give it another shot but he's so closed and non-communicative (with me) that he'll have moved on by now. I know it seems quick but he's an out of sight, out of mind kind of man.

I am meant to be competing on the 25th and he was going to babysit. The ironic thing is that I have a hobby I'll have to give up because he left, yet he just plays computer games. I wish he had an interest outside of his mates - that's why he was away so much at the weekends. That was his socialising whereas mine was around sport.

He said when he left he didn't feel like a family. That's because he was never here. He'd rather be out with friends than with us.

Despite all of this I do want to fix it. I don't want to divorce him.

Will be seeking legal advice and going to the CAB this week.

I need to stay strong but it's so hard. He was my best friend but apparently he doesn't want 'just a friendship'. He doesn't fancy me but won't talk about his issues because I'm 'volatile' so just lets things slide until he walks out. I wish he just spoke to me about this months ago. After he left the last time he said things had improved, and that's because we had talked.

He hasn't even texted to ask how DS is. He knew we were doing a four hour drive over the weekend to see friends but didn't even ask how it went. Knowing him it's because he doesn't want to 'confuse' me.

Writing everything down doesn't make him see like a catch but when we make an effort together the relationship is good, and I feel like I've kept my end of the bargain but he just can't be arsed to not have everything handed to him on a plate.

I'm afraid to say that the reason he doesn't want to work at it is because he is almost certainly having an affair with this woman. That is why he jumped up at the chance to pack his bags and walk when you confronted him. If he wasn't having an affair, he would have had no reason to choose to walk out at that moment. While it is pretty terrible, in the long run he is doing you a huge favour as you could have spent years working on your relationship in vain. He had clearly left the relationship mentally a long time ago.

The excuses he has given you about it not feeling like a family and that you are volatile and excuses designed to put the blame on to you. If he was a real man, he would tell you the truth but instead he has you agonising about what else you could have done to save your relationship. He sounds like a very unpleasant coward and a pitiful role model for your son.

While life without him will be very tough, life with him would be hell on earth.

I've been lurking on this thread and didn't post before as I felt I couldn't contribute anything that hadn't been said already.
Op, do not ring your DH. this will allow him to believe he has you on the back burner if/when things don't work out with this OW.
Once the initial excitement has worn off I'm sure he will realise the huge mistake he has made giving up his family for a fantasy and will almost certainly be begging your forgiveness.
Whether you take him back or not is your decision but let HIM do the running. Dont make it easy for him just to come back and pick up where he left off.
Meanwhile, get legal advice and look after yourself and your DS.

I just don't think he will realise he's made a mistake, to him we are nothing, just a chore. He still hasn't contacted me.

I feel horrible sat in the house on my own imagining him out with friends, having fun and generally living the life he wants. We don't feature heavily in his social life. On the plus side the house is spotless as I've been wanting to keep myself busy.

My parents have stepped in so I can still train and compete, which is amazing. I think I'd go mad if I didn't have a physical outlet for everything I'm feeling. It's just nice to talk to adults without DS tearing around.

I can't believe he is so uninterested in his son.

Mazfah that is very sad if he feels that way :(
He may be enjoying himself now but will he feel the same in a few years when he's discovered the grass isn't greener and you and DS have moved on without him? I doubt it.
I'm glad you have the support of your parents and friends to help you through this.
Don't blame yourself for anything he has done. Judging your situation purely on what you have said on this thread it sounds as if he is a very selfish man and in the long run you are much better off without him.
IMO anyone who would leave their family so easily over the head of an affair (emotional or otherwise) isn't worth a second chance. The least he could have done was sit down with you and tell you the truth about what he's been up to and why he is leaving.
If he came back can you honest say you could ever trust him again?

He will realise his loss. But it could be a long time in coming.

You cannot sit about waiting for that. You have your valuable life to lead and so does your ds. You don't want your boy to learn the Miss Haversham way of life.

Your h is an idiot.

took very little for your DH to run off...very strange...sorry to hear

TDada, why do you think it is strange? H was obviously looking for a get out clause when I confronted him and it made it easier for him to leave. He got to blame me for getting angry and upset and walk out guilt free. It's probably what he was praying for. He said when he left if it wasn't for DS he would've done it a long time ago.

Thank you Winky, I'm going to be trying not to wait around! Going to carry on with life as normal whilst seeking advice from CAB etc. I have no idea where he's staying.

He's done this before but came back and things were better. Now I don't think I can let him come back.

mazfah, if he was simply waiting for a chance to leave, then that is not love and it is not what commitment really is. Real love can stand all sorts of trials and hard times - this man sounds, from your description, incredibly selfish, emotionally closed off and really immature. you are right he does not sound like a catch!

You must have put up with feeling lonely and worried about this for a long time - have you ever had counselling? I would really recommend it as a way to talk through why we have particular expectations in relationships...and why we get into patterns of unhappiness.

Think hard about what this man gave you - selfish, out with his friends, obsessed with video games, not interested in the real world of family life - there are many men out there who love family life, who love being fathers. It's not just a man thing....dont think that.

You deserve better than this man - it's really hard to see why you would want to be with him at all. I hope you can keep going with your sport - can friends/ family get involved to help with childcare? He is your childs father - he should be stepping in to do some childcare too!

DOn't call him- he has treated you appallinglly - he detached mentally and was enjoying flirtations elsewhere while you were still trying to make it work. Have a long hard look at what this man really is - and make a list of all the things you are looking forward to doing in the coming months and years.

Far better alone than in an unhappy relationship, because you are in charge of your life now. the path he has chosen is shallow and immature.....

and also - I agree, it is definitely strange that a man would simply vanish the moment they are challenged on bad behaviour - that's not what commitment is about. It seems you have accepted a certain idea from him about men being always ready to leave/ always looking for an escape route.

Been lurking and would like to say that though am sorry he has put you through this, am glad he is gone, cos sounds like you will be better off without him.

Sounds like he has been pulling away from you and criticising you/your rsp as a way to justify an affair to himself (lots of great posts on this stuff on other threads from whenwillifeelnormal). So don't beat yourself up, he (for whatever reasons) detatched from you and sought someone else, whoch harmed your rsp, it was not cos of anything you did/didn't do.

Also, think you might have been in denial a bit? About him and his affair etc.

Hope your friends and family continue to rally round - take care, get the finances etc sorted and don't phone/try to make it work anymore. You are worth more.

Waterrat, it could be because that's how he and mazfah got together in the first place. He has previous.

So sorry mazpah - he really isn't worth it but there are good men out there. I really hope you find one when you're ready to move on

I don't think it's my view of men, just him. I've been so worried recently about him leaving I've waved him out the door when he's gone off to see friends because I've thought that me and DS aren't enough for him. And we're not.

Still no contact. No doubt he'll be telling people I won't let him see his son.

mazfah, remember HE made that decision to fail, not you.

YOU worked tirelessly, put up with all kinds of mediocre to keep things going.

He can tell people what he wants to, it doesn't matter, it's not the truth.

You know the truth, WE know the truth, he's in denial, justifying his appalling treatment of you out of his own guilt.

Just got a letter from the bank. He's changed his address. Don't know what to. I feel like I've been punched. Funnily enough not had time to enquire about his son though.

Can't start divorce proceedings until I get proof of income support, which will be a few weeks.