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Original poster

DH texting woman from work

176 replies

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:14

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/06/2011 14:50

"I honestly, honestly don't think they've slept together/shagged/fucked in the broom cupboard. I really don't, I asked him and he said that he knows the texting is inappropriate but nothing else has happened. I don't doubt that it has the potential to develop but I think I've caught it before the cat was let out of the bag, so to speak".

But what if this emotional affair of his (and this is a totally inappropriate relationship) is now physical (many EAs do end up as physical ones).

Your marriage is in very big trouble.

Denial is indeed a powerful force and you are still in the denial stage.
You don't want to actually believe that he is capable of doing that to you re your first sentence. I don't think you know your H at all and you do not know fully what he is like in relationships. He can certainly say the texting is inappropriate (and it is) but there was and is no real remorse on his part. your H is taking you for a complete fool.

redflagsahoy · 02/06/2011 14:52

Mazfah if that was my husband I'd be livid and he would not be texting a lady in the middle of the night with kisses and all sorts, I don't want to hop on the bandwagon here but if its advice you need I'd say tell him to stop texting or else....its making you feel uncomfortable and he is being very unreasonable/not thinking about your feelings etc, you seem to be in tune with his feelings A LOT you say he is shy etc wouldn't shag her because he has intimacy reasons/needs to be in love (are you idealising him a bit) but he seems to have no problems upsetting you like this. I don't think he is being fair, tell him to stop. Good luck I do hope it works out for you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/06/2011 14:55

It could be he is actually the one who is volatile and gets angry; ever heard of projecting?. Some men are adept at projecting their own feelings onto others and make them believe they are responsible for their man's actions and choices.

You should be angry with him; this OW of his is actually of no consequence to you and you should not communicate with her at all.

HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 14:55

Volatile? volatile VOLATILE??? Too bloody RIGHT you'd be volatile finding this quantity of emotional affair evidence right under your nose. Him allowing her the space to text him at 2.30am when he's lying asleep next to you?

Oh the wedding and weekend away, you thought it was all OK, I presume you had sex, you do realise that cheats DO have sex with more than one person at a time, don't you? Can you be sure when he was having sex with you that it was YOU he was thinking of?

He was embarrassed, and CLAMMED UP? I bet he did, but it's not embarrassment, it's GUILT at being caught. The silence is not wanting to dig himself in any deeper.

STOP WORRYING ABOUT THIS SKANK THAT IS TEXTING HIM, GIVE HIM THE BOLLOCKING HE DESERVES FOR BETRAYING YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.

Sit this charmer down for ONE last conversation. TELL him it stops right now, or his bag will be packed and delivered to the office, and he'll be in a bedsit, begging you to see his kids every other weekend.

and MEAN IT. You are not the one throwing your marriage away, HE IS. He needs to understand that this kind of humiliation is going to cost him.

ohmyfucksy · 02/06/2011 14:59

Bet you any money they are shagging. Where there's a will there's a way, be it taking a day/afternoon off work, lying about a night out with mates.

Don't bother trying to convert his workmates to your cause - they probably already know and will be on his side as he is their mate.

Change her number to yours if you get the chance, then you will see what is going on

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 15:04

HerHissyness, that's the thing that worries me most. He won't be begging to see DS every other weekend. I don't think he'd mind only seeing him for a few hours once a month. He doesn't miss DS. He's away this weekend with friends and now I'm really worried. I know he's definitely with the friends he says he is but they can text/talk as much as they want. I don't think he'd invite her. I hope not. Should I talk to the friends he's going away with? Tell them what he's been doing?

I feel like I'm talking at him at the moment.

OP posts:
ohmyfucksy · 02/06/2011 15:08

Oh crap...

ohmyfucksy · 02/06/2011 15:08

His friends won't give a shit, sorry. Men stick together.

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 15:10

I thought that'd be the case. I want him to leave his phone at home or take a temporary one with only a few numbers that he really needs so she won't have the number.

DS is at nursery so I am working myself up.

OP posts:
verlainechasedrimbauds · 02/06/2011 15:11

mazfah I have sent you a pm. However, having read that last post, I feel less optimistic Sad

HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 15:14

they'll be cheering him on most likely!

OK so he can't honour your marriage vows, he can't respect you, he's kind of gaslighting you into submission, he's definitely cheating on you and your family emotionally if not physically.

(only this week we have had a poster who found hotel reservations booked and paid for when H was at home... ever heard of a lunch time quickie?)

If, added to all this condemning information, you say that he can't be bothered with his own son, then sorry, but WTF are you doing giving this guy house space? He's failing you and your son on ALL levels.

I'd be inclined to pack him a bag, deliver it to his office and tell him not to bother coming back after his weekend with the boys.

HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 15:14

I'm sorry if my posts are coming over as agressive, I am LIVID mazfah, absolutely BOILING for you on your behalf.

waterrat · 02/06/2011 15:15

Mazfah are you saying he doesn't mind if he doesn't see his son? That's awful - he doesn't sound like a good partner.

It seems from what you are saying that you lack the inner self confidence to be clear with him in how unacceptable you find this. He is messing with your head, pretending he didnt tell you because of YOUR volatility.

You say you dont want to throw him out - but you have to stand up for yourself. Ego stroking is not an excuse - people who are kind do not betray their partners. It sounds as though he has barely apologised for doing this - thats even more of a red flag because he is not worried about losing you.

I think you need to look at the bigger picture- are you happy with how he is treating you here?

Do you think that if you stood up to him and said, this is unacceptable I want you to prove to me that you care - that he would make the effort? Or do you think he would vanish?

Because you can't go through life with a husband who doesnt feel he needs to make an effort - and you cant go on making excuses when he is risking your happiness to pursue his own ends....

HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 15:15

His friends could be covering for him, what makes you so sure he will be where you think he will be?

shesgotherlipstickon · 02/06/2011 15:17

He's going away with friends. Just after you have discovered at best an ea? He is yanking your chain.

Bucharest · 02/06/2011 15:21

His friends will know already what's going on.

They'll be bigging him up about it. (and probably wishing it was them)

He wouldn't want to see his son?

OP- this just gets better. Sad

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 15:23

I think he'd leave me.

If I gave him an ultimatum he'd leave.

There's my answer.

By the way, I poorly worded my post about him and DS. He does care for him and is great with him but he doesn't have to burning desire to spend time with him. He'd never offer to take him out just to spend time with just DS.

The weekend away was arranged a while ago before DH and OW started texting. That's not to say plans haven't been rearranged though. And I'd hope his friends would have decency and respect for me enough to tell him it's not on. If a friend of mine was having an affair I wouldn't pat him/her on the back. Just because his friends are male it doesn't mean they will egg him on to screw someone behind my back.

OP posts:
Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 15:24

Ot's not that he wouldn't want to see DS, but I think he'd be happy with occasional visits.

OP posts:
shesgotherlipstickon · 02/06/2011 15:27

Why are you do desperate to hold onto this man? You think he would leave you and is having an ea at best. Why pretend to her/ colleagues/ friends and keep his facade up.

waterrat · 02/06/2011 15:27

If you think he would leave over an ultimatum then Im really sorry but he doesn't really love you does he? I know that is so hard to hear - but real, solid relationships are based on love and kindness - a kind man who loved you would be devestated that he has hurt you.

If you honestly think he would rather continue texting some random woman than keep you - his wife - in his life - then what is there to save?

And - again, sorry to say this, but its not normal for a man to not be bothered about spending time with their child - thats not nice.

IF you dont think you can consider making an ultimatum then you have to look at the future you are setting up - constant fear, anxiety , worrying about him - the only way to have happiness is through proper trust. That means you dont need to check theri phone, you dont need to monitor their behaviour. You will simply go mad if you put up with this.

What about some counselling for you - to look at your own self confidence? and why you are prepared to put up with this ?

the BACP website will have someone in your area - you could talk through your feelings without having to make a decision.

oldwomaninashoe · 02/06/2011 15:30

He's going away for the weekend with friends?????

I would suggest that you put it to him, that in view of his "text habit" if he wants to save his marriage then he stays home with you this weekend and sort a few things out, if he refuses to and goes, I would be very firmly suggesting to him that he will not be allowed back over the threashold (in any sense!)

AmazingBouncingFerret · 02/06/2011 15:30

How long have they been texting each other then?

HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 15:31

LET. HIM. GO.

If you try to cling on you will damage your self esteem horrifically, you will lose all respect for yourself, and you will kick yourself for a very, very, VERY long time.

This has nothing to do with HER, and all to do with HIM. Remember that. Get angry at HIM, not her.

I'm assuming this texting thing has been going on for a while... how come none of his mates have told you then? Blokes DON'T do that, they won't tell the DW, it doesn't work like that, it really doesn't.

waterrat · 02/06/2011 15:32

sorry op I think my post may have sounded unkind and harsh - I didnt mean to judge you and your life. But - the fact is, he should be worried about losing you - and if he isn't there is something missing.

He shouldnt be going away, he should be concentrating on convincing YOu to let him stay! The power rests with you - he is the one who has betrayed you.

You shouldnt be thinking about giving him phones without certain numbers - you should be able to trust him. And he needs to respect and love you - not take you for granted. I hope you can learn to value yourself enough not to put up with this.

Bucharest · 02/06/2011 15:33

No,just because they're male it doesn't mean they would. Because they are friends they probably would though.

You need to talk to him before the weekend. You need to tell him that even if there is no affair and she isn't part of this weekend, you are no longer comfortable with him going . If he refuses, then you know where you stand. You tell him you know about the texting and that stops now. (No point in making him ring her in front of you, he'll just tell her tomorrow at work you had the meatknife at his throat and you're some kind of maniac and they'll laugh about it) You also need to remember that even if the texts to that phone stop, it could well be because he's been and bought one just to use with her.

Above all, you ask him if he wants to be with you. (although I predict tears, and chest beating and it will never happen agains......)