DH texting woman from work

[mazfah]

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

By let him go, I mean give him the ultimatum and see what happens, if he wants to go, let him. It'd be even better if you don't give him the ultimatum actually, you can sling him out on what you know so far.

Nothing will shock him into changing his behaviour if you sit there and politely ASK him not to conduct a sex-text relationship from his marital bed.

Gloves off girl, get up in his face and lay down the law.

mazfah - in my bitter experience he is having an emotional affair. I can understand why you are saying you don't think its gone further than an emotional connection. But an emotional affair is so damaging to a relationship anyway.

Take everyone else's advice, do not go on this night out. And your husband should be saying he doesn't want to go either. Concentrate on each other and sorting things out.

He is probably quite shocked and scared, and is frozen (my dh was like this) and this is why he appears to not be shitting himself about the thought of you and OW on a night out with booze involved.

He will also be terrified of you being angry, because what he has done is inappropriate, unprofessional, deeply embarrassing and could damage two careers. He will be aware that his friends and family and your family will soon know about what he has been up to.

My husband was having an EA, possibly with having sex, I don't know. I do know that he really did want to have sex with her. All his colleagues thought he was having an affair, with this OW who he worked closely with. Looking back I can see they really pitied me which is sad. Although at the time I just felt a bit uncomfortable in their company!

If he is txting her at night, then its definitely an EA, or more.

DH and I are nearly a year on from my awful discovery. We went to Relate, because we thought we would give our marriage a chance to recover. We are a lot better now. The OW said she would find another job, she didn't. And we are currently waiting for another opportunity for DH to move jobs so that they don't work together anymore.

Keep posting. And I hope neither of you go out tonight, but stay together and try and make sense of what has happened.

The texts that I saw on his phone went back 4 weeks, so those are the ones I've seen. There was nothing that would raise a red flag on their own, it was just the quanitity and the timings of them. Obviously aside from the 'goodnight' one. I wish I could trust him and I know from my replies it sounds like I'm burying my head in the sand but I'm trying not to get hysterical about it and rant and rave. That will probably come later!

Because he made plans this weekend I have arrange to take DS to a friend's for the weekend, I don't know whether I should pull out. He just isn't taking this seriously, maybe he doesn't see it at serious.

I used to be so strong but now I am so worried that he will leave me and DS i tread on egg shells. I'm terrified of not coping on my own. I'm a SAHM and was meant to go to uni next year. If he leaves I won't be able to.

Why do you tread on egg shells?

Oh God, I've just realised he must have been texting her on the anniversary of my sister's death. He didn't even text/call to ask how I was. I want to string him up.

That is more of a slap in the face than anything else.

Now I'm getting hysterical.

Tread on egg shells because I just want him to be happy with me. I don't want to cause arguements. I just want everything to be ok.

Mmmmh, this sounds like my DH was, a lot of contact, knowing it was wrong, but pushing it further and further along until it tipped over the edge into what I found out to be an EA. He has been being v secretive and this has fueled intimacy and excitement and he will be addicted to these feelings by now, if you know they have been txting for a month. He will be thrilled by the attention and the flattery. All very heady addictive stuff. He won't give up on it easily.

If you do let him go on this weekend without making any fuss, I would be doing a lot of detective work. Get your mate involved. Online phone bills, FB emails, credit card bills, debit bills, everything. Try and get as much evidence of what he has been up to.

Personally I would not be allowing him to go under the circumstances. You need to sort things out with him. But I'd also be routing for any evidence to verify what he has been doing in between ranting and raving at him.

I'm so sorry you are going through this - what an awful betrayal.

From the sounds of it he knows you aren't going anywhere so is free to do and say as he pleases.

How long do you plan on walking on eggshells? That is no guarantee that he is going to stay in the marriage.

Do you not think that in doing so he is losing more and more respect for you?

I know you want to have a happy family but he is ruining that. You have to make a stand and deal with the consequences. TBH, I'd get the hell away from him so he knows you mean business and he sees what he stands to lose. And if he does not come running with his tail between his legs, well, there is nothing to save is there.

I'm really sorry, but I'd never allow anyone to have that much control over me that I would turn a blind eye to this level of betrayal.

Yuck :(
Everything WILL be OK but the situation you're in right now is NOT OK and it won't be OK even if you carry on treading on eggshells and pretend to yourself that it's not as serious as it is.
You need to face this head on and I think the first thing I'd be doing is telling him he's not going on that trip away this weekend.
And remember - he's not doing this because of any failing with you, you seem pretty damn lovely actually, he's doing this because he's a MASSIVE SHIT.

This smacks of detachment. Can you pin point, when they first met, and when he started to detach. He would have started to behave differently. This change is characterised by being more irritable, more argumentative, losing temper over little things, being more critical of you, saying nasty things designed to bewilder and annoy you, losing weight, not doing as much in the home re looking after your son, or house work, but exercising more outside of the home. Changes in clothes, looks. Excuses to spend the night away from home.

My DH did all of these. He had detached from me and his marriage to such a degree.

If this has happened then he won't be thinking of your well being anymore. He will be thinking only of himself and these exciting feelings.

But the situation is reversable. If he is prepared to put the work in and you are prepared too.

To clarify, when I say that everything will be OK, I don't necessarily mean in your marriage, I mean with you. Being on your own and facing your future with DS is so much better than living by your nerves with a man who doesn't respect you.

You can't make anyone be happy with you (trust me) you can only make yourself happy and you are the only one to decide if YOU want to be with someone.

This situation is NOT your doing, no matter what he WILL say at some point. He will give himself permission for this, and it will be 'your fault'.

Don't allow that to happen. Remain VERY calm, very cool and very, very clear. None of this is anything to do with you, everything he will say, soon, will be excuse, after excuse and be an attempt to blame shift, so his guilt is soothed and eased.

Don't give him that satisfaction.

TBH it doesn't matter if he's shagging her, it sounds like he is somewhere else entirely anyway. Not committed to his family, that's for sure.

You're all right. I used to be able to put my foot down but now I am just a bag of worry and nerves. He walked out on us just before my birthday last year. He didn't even wish me happy birthday.

Not good. Things are really not good.

Writing it down helps, I feel angry which is better than meek.

maandpa, he has definitely been detatching over the last two months. We haven't had sex for at least that long. Not even on our anniversary.

Oh dear, it's all coming out now. How long did he go for?

I do think he's probably having sex, even if you aren't.

I'm sorry. But I think he needs to go. You need to let him, because he clearly wants to. At least have a separation and do some thinking.

Yes I agree sorry love! SOMETHING's going on & even if they haven't actuasly had sex yet - they're having an affair. How dare she text your husband at 2am!!! Her or me time!!!

muzfah that is a sign he is having an affair. Not being bothered about having sex with you.

My DH did this to me, and I confess I wasn't too worried because I was so tired from having 3 dcs under 6!!!

Don't let him go away for the weekend.

Whats this about him walking out? How long was that for?

With DH and I, things had not been right for ages, there was lots of stuff we had to sort out.

If he stays at home, then talk talk talk. Ask someone to look after ds.

If he goes, then make it clear to him, that he will not be welcome to come home again. He is effectively kicked out. Get his some of his stuff together in bin bags and throw it out. He will get a sharp reality shock then.

He left for just over a week. When he came back we talked about the changes we wanted to make.

I changed, he hasn't.

I do love him but this isn't what I imagined on our wedding day. I hate feeling like I can't ask him to hang the washing out or clean the bathroom because 'he's been at work'.

I think this relationship is over at least for him.

You need to decide what role model you want to be for your son and whether you want him to treat his wife the way his father is treating his mother.

It is over isn't it?

I'm going to talk to him tonight and see if he wants councilling. If not there's my answer.

Build yourself a timeline - think about when he started to detach and behave less kindly towards you then ask him innocently when they started to work together. Try and think back to what was happening when he walked out - was it just after the work Christmas party, for instance? Did he stay out all that night? If so, you will start to make connections to your life and his secrets.

And if she is married (though I know others disagree), I would firmly suggest you contact her husband, let him know the score and compare notes. I found out a lot that way.

Please don't get upset about losing him - the price of 'keeping' someone like this would be too great as it sounds like he'd want to be with both of you at once, with you servicing the home and her taking care of sex and love. Not a nice position. He has already lost you - because you and not him are the prize here.

My ExH was having an EA that turned into a physical affair. I read the Shirley Glass book and found it very helpful. It helped me to ask the right questions and think carefully about everything. Sadly for me after reading her book and talking a lot with my ExH I realised it was over and not salvageable. This is in a nut shell, the whole story is a lot longer and I spent 5 months after separation desperate to work things out. It's a horrid time and right now you're reeling with it all. I had to take it one step at a time as it was too much to take in otherwise. But there is some very good advice on here. I'm so sorry.

Jesus woman. Talk to your husband and sort it out with him. Dont listen to a lot of faceless names online. I find MN a bit scary for that... people are so quick to say "Leave Him". Only you know what your relationship is like and if its worth saving... and of course you will be thinking of your child and not wanting to seperate them from thier Dad. I would kill my DH if he even sent ONE text to another woman that I felt was inappropriate and I certainly wouldnt be waving him off on a weekend away.... but speak to him and let him know you are NOT taking any crap from him. If he cant even wish you a happy birthday but can spend the time texting her to this extent... you have some serious issues.... you need to show him how angry you are and demand some respect. Imagine if you did that? Do you think he'd put up with it? Good luck, it cant be an easy time for you. Speak to some friends in RL.

Yeah, because obviously, faceless names online aren't going to be telling you like it really is, objectively, because we have no personal interest and nothing to lose.....whereas real life friends have a tendency to want to keep out of domestics in case, as happens 9 times out of 10, girl and boy get back together and blame the nosey friend for sticking her oar in.