DH texting woman from work

[mazfah]

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

I'd be taking this very seriously. Your relationship may well be able to withstand this. But I would confront him about this. After you have said that his is highly inappropriate and that you know he is having an EA and maybe a physical affair too, I would ask him how sees your future together.

If he wants to stay in the primary relationship (with you) then he has to phone her in front of you, and say to her that his relationship with her (what ever form of relationship it is, because it IS inappropriate) is finished, he wants to work on his primary relationship. He needs to tell her that all communication with her is on a strictly work/ business level, nothing personal anymore.

If he is not sure at the present time when you have this serious talk with him, then YOU phone her and make sure she realises the gravity of the situation. If she has any feelings she may well back off, allowing you and your H to sort this mess out.

You then need complete transparency and honesty form your H, about what has been happening and what they have been doing.

You can take a positive approach, even though you must be terribly hurt and angry.

He MUST supply you with all his email FB etc passwords and allow you full access to his computer, email fb etc. He must also hand his phone over to you for your full perusal. He must delete her phone numbers and details from his phone, delete her fb email everything he must erase her from his personal life, if he is to get any kind of semblance of normality with you.

Good people do have affairs.

He is definitely having at the very least an EA with this woman, and it is totally out of order, and very unprofessional of them. But these things do happen, friends become confidants and one thing leads to another.

I wish you luck with this. Buy the Shirley Glass book "Not Just Good Friends" He is following a well worn script, but the situation can be saved if he can terminate this affair, and resume talking with you, and not talking to her.

My DH had an affair with a work colleague. It was horrible. The book mentioned helped me immeasurably, and going to Relate to. Its not rocket science, but you both need to reach out for help.

Keep posting.

This is already an affair imo.

Agree with juno.

I honestly, honestly don't think they've slept together/shagged/fucked in the broom cupboard. I really don't, I asked him and he said that he knows the texting is inappropriate but nothing else has happened. I don't doubt that it has the potential to develop but I think I've caught it before the cat was let out of the bag, so to speak.

I'm going to go on a night out with DH and all his collegues so I can meet her and let her know that I don't appreciate how they are behaving. I promise I won't be draping myself over him and scent marking though! I'll be charming and fun and interesting and make sure his collegues are on my side, and I want to also remind him that he married me because I'm charming and fun and interesting. We need a good night out together.

DONT bloody go otu with his colleagues
they probably all know anyway

affairs arrent about YOU they are about HIM
look at bloody victoria beckahma nd cheryl cole - if they cant stop a man straying then i dont think any of us will!

But I don't think he is shagging her. We went to a wedding a few weeks ago with his collegues and it was fine.

At worst it might shame him into stopping contact, although I've asked him to now and I will have access to his phone etc.

I want her to know he's not available.

Oh, and according to him she has a boyfriend. DH is 'unsure' whether the boyfriend knows about the texting.

I'm really sorry but you're deluding yourself. Hundreds of texts including a goodnight one at 2.30am absolutely smacks of an affair.

If you go out with his colleagues they're not going to think "Oooh isn't mazfah so charming and fun and interesting" they're going to think "Poor cow, I wonder if she knows about X and her husband." The OW isn't going to back off either, and will probably just pity you. I think you will find it incredibly humiliating.

Don't put yourself through it. You need to be the strong one here and get him out on his arse because whilst you're running round trying to prove how lovely you are, he's got the best of both worlds.

well good luck with that

im with dickie

He's taking the piss. They both are. 2.30 am saying goodnight?

Lay it on the line, find out what has been going on, and don't take any shit because this is obviously way beyond normal.

There is always time

what do you want to do? you are asking 'where will it all end' but no one can really know. He may well be having an affair and lying to you but to be honest just the testing alone would be bad enough for me.

what about doing what was suggested above and change her phone number to yours in his phone?

You are deluding yourself.

Grab your self repect and pull your head from the sand.

Honestly? Your posts of wanting to show her/claim/him/get the colleagues onside, reek of desperation. Get your claws into that [man]

You don't need to do any of these things, the issue is with him. People will just feel sorry for you.

I'd bet my house they are fucking, sorry.

OP, seriously - you should not be going out to prove to other people that you are fun and interesting - it's your husband who should be desperately trying to prove to you that he is worthy of you after betraying you like this.

Why do you think it's you who needs to put the work in here? He has betrayed your trust, is clearly having an EA = and you want to go out and meet her? my god, I would not do that- he needs to know you consider this unacceptable and he should be looking at how to make amends and prove he can be trusted.

Number one - I would epect him to cancel the work night out. You are competing with a random woman at work - why? She will, I imagine, be delighted that you turn up so she can compete with you -wheras you have nothing to gain.

If the two of you need a night out then why on earth are you allowing it to revolve around her? thats the last thing you need - clearly he needs to put effort into you - and he needs to cut his emotional involvement with her. Creating a drama by all going out together is not what this situation needs.

Why are you feeding off this drama too? Why wouldnt you rather go out with him somewhere else and try to create a new spark/ new pleasures together?

Why are you so surprised she has a boyfriend? (if she does, if that's not just another way of your husband trying to lead you off the trail) He has a wife, and it isn't stopping him.

Do not go on the night out, and do not "let her know". Try and retain your dignity, because by going and telling her to lay off, you will lose every shred of it, and come across as nothing other than desperate. You need to leave her out of the equation and direct your (justified) anger at the right person. No-one has made him do this.

Your posts are so full of "but nothing has happened I know it" I don't really know what you want us to say. People here are trying to help you to see what the truth very likely is, but you don't seem to be listening.

I don't know what the answer is, and I feel very sorry for you. They work together,so even if the texts stop, you're going to spend every minute he's at work worrying aren't you? That's why you need to confront him properly.

I completely understand wanting to go and be lovely and charming to everyone, but if you find out they have been doing something you think is unacceptable, be that shagging or not, and some of his colleagues knew, would you be able to carry on knowing that they had been laughing at you? Because that's how it would feel like, and then you would feel doubly outnumbered IYSWIM? Are you friendly with any of his other female colleagues? The reason I say female is because they might be more likely to tell you the truth rather than a man (I realise I am generalising massively here) if you ask her outright.

I don't really have any other advice OP, but I really feel for you

This happened to me and as much as there were people harping on about the fact that there 'must' have been more to it, there was nothing sexual.

However, BIG DEAL if there is no sex. You will soon find out that betrayal is just as bad whether there is sex involved or not. I treated it as infidelity and have always reffered to it as such.

I kicked him out for a few months (he came back to see the kids each evening but did not sleep at home), contacted a solicitor, insisted on complete and utter transparency with FB, phones,emails etc, insisted that she was completely cut out of his life, insisted on going to relate where we had 3 months of counselling and also read and made sure he read the Shirley Glass book.

Our relationship is still recovering, We are almost a year on and things are a lot better but it takes a lot of time and effort from BOTH people in the marriage to make it work. Your DH does not really seem like he is being proactive at all and seems like he hopes you will just brush it under the carpet.

You can't, you won't and if you try to it will eat away at you for the rest of your married life.

P.s About you going out with them for the evening thing, if he isn't shitting himself at the idea of you and her talking it over then you are probably right that they are not having an affair. Can't imagine that would do wonders for his career prospects having that kind of shitstorm in front of all his colleagues.

Has he done something like this before?
You seem to be talking to him about it, so why is he continuing to indulge ?
Can you ask him to stop, reminding him that he is, in fact, married to you and therefore, not actually supposed to be texting another woman at all hours!
If you don't get tough things are going to get out of control. You are being very accepting of your H's very inappropriate behaviour.

I agree Aisling- if he can't see that it is inappropriate then there is very little hope. Isn't he/wasn't he mortified when you found the texts?

I promise I am listening to advice, and the reason I'm fighting my corner for believing that nothing has happened is because I know him and I know what he's like in relationships.

That's not to say it may not develop, I fully believe it would have had I not said anything/found out. I don't think he's being fully honest with many things but I do believe him with that.

The posters that have said that I shouldn't go to the night out are right, I don't need to be some kind of desperate housewife for him to love and respect me, and essentially he has lost his respect for me. This has only come out because I confronted him last night and demanded to see his phone. They would've just carried on.

I don't think this is worth throwing my marrige away over though, I won't be throwing him out, but I think I need to put in some boundaries and learn to trust him again. He will destroy my self esteem, which is why I think I felt I needed to 'prove myself' to everyone at his work.

I'd just rather people said 'oh he's just looking for an ego boost' because it's easier to hear.

I'm his first and only serious relationship. That may have something to do with his desire to test the water/fuck about. I don't know.

Thank you to everyone for taking the time to post, I promise I am taking what people say on board, it's just hard to take in.

Bucharest is spot on!

I would add I have worked in offices for years and if you think that they are not "at it" you are deluding yourself.
I have known "couples" who have only had sex at work, believe me wheres theres a will there is a way. There is always somewhere in every office building I have worked in (some with high levels of security) where you could go and be "undisturbed".

Please, please, take off your blinkers, however much it is going to hurt you,do not go to that evening function with all his colleagues there they will all know what is going on, be perfectly polite to you, because they do not want to "get involved" but you will be watched like a hawk!

I'm sorry you are going through this.

He actually seemed quite happy for me to go on the work night out. Wasn't worried or nervous. It may turn out that she doesn't go now though.

He was embarrassed when I saw the texts, he clammed up. He says he finds it difficult to talk to me about things like this as I am volitile and get angry. I am justified in this situation. I'm going to write her number down tonight and check his phone for it. I just hope he doesn't but a PAYG to text her.

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