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Original poster

DH texting woman from work

176 replies

mazfah · 02/06/2011 09:14

I feel this is a bit 'here we go again' so I'll keep it brief.

DH has literally hundreds of messages from a woman from work (he also texts back but deleted his sent messages).

He's been behaving oddly with his phone and receiving messages during the night so I asked to see his phone.

Most of it is friendly but it's the sheer volume of texts that unnerves me. 3 or 4 page messages when he's supposedly too busy to text me. He didn't mention it was our wedding anniversary or that we went away together for a night.

He received a message at 2.30am saying 'I just thought I'd wish you goodnight x x x x'.

The messages have lots of kisses and he texts her more than anyone else.

I don't think he's cheat but this seems like it could easily spiral into an emotional affair. Where will it end? I can't see them drifting apart, they work closely together.

Any advice welcomed.

OP posts:
LostMyIdentityAlongTheWay · 02/06/2011 18:15

No, Bucharest, I DO understand the advice about talking to friends in RL. Equally, I think your point is valid.
However, it's a factor that OP is getting a lot of good advice on here - and making decisions and taking steps that are NOT AT ALL involving her DH. And so that may well be pushing the issue along roads it might not otherwise take if he had a chance to step up to the plate and talk with her about it. Do you see what I mean?...

Unfortunately, I don't think he will.... OP - you DO need to talk to RL friends - but also, do NOT think that he holds all the cards. You are 50% of this marriage. SHe is fuck all % of it - so it's your decision and his, what happens.

It IS good advice to talk to RL friends though. I wish you much luck, it just sounds a total shitter of a position to be in. (hug)

Bucharest · 02/06/2011 18:21

I think she needs to offload and rant to her RL friends, but take any advice they may give with a pinch.

A RL friend of mine has just phoned her friend's husband's lover and bollocked her for being a marriage wrecker. Helpful? Doubt it.

Good luck OP, we've been harsh with you today, but I hope you've also realised that you deserve to not be having to go through this fear and worry. Hope you manage to talk to him tonight. ((())) (don't tell anyone I did that, they'll kick me off MN Wink)

midwife99 · 02/06/2011 18:48

Yes easy to say LEAVE HIM! I've had the same advice. It's not easy to do. A marriage is worth fighting for ESP if you have children but if he won't join in it's v difficult. I would absolutely insist on him stopping the texting & staying home this weekend to try to start the process towards counselling. If he won't there's nothing more you can do. :-(

Bluebelle38 · 02/06/2011 19:10

I can't believe that you think you have to ask him to stop texting. That should be a given.

An ex of mine used to get the old 'goodnight' text from his ex just before me. I put my foot down and he called her in front of me and said he as with someone knew (in hindsight he probably rang the pizza place :D)

We later split because I found out he was sleeping with her again.

That kind of text is intimate - it is saying 'think of me' when she knows he is with you. If he is doing nothing to stop it then he is as guilty as she is. Im sorry.

meltedchocolate · 02/06/2011 19:33

I am sorry if this has been pointed out already. Got to page three and didn't want to read anymore. OP denial is upsetting :(

You said something along the lines of him not having sex because he is shy, and has to be in love. Then you later said you think he has already fallen in love with her (or something like that - I don't have enough time to go and find it) so YOU have basically said he COULD be shagging her...

sugartongue · 02/06/2011 20:11

OP the breakdown of this marriage will be the making of you and you can go to uni next year - just sign up for a part-time course (you can usually do a three year course in four years), get a part-time job 2 half or three days a week, and then you will get sufficient tax credits/earnings to support yourself and your son while you study. DO NOT stay in a bad relationship for financial support, you can do it on your own!

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 20:30

Well, he's leaving.

Packing and not coming back.

Don't know how I feel.

Wish he would've been willing to work on it but he's given up.

OP posts:
dickiedavisthunderthighs · 02/06/2011 20:36

Stand back and let him go. He needs to know you're not going to be chasing him up the street begging for him to come back. Have you got a good friend who can come round once he's gone?

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 20:38

I'm going to stay with friends this weekend. Going to stay at my parents' after that. DS and I have a good life together and we are used to H not being around, to be honest not much will really change. I will need to get a job sharpish though.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 02/06/2011 20:41

Mazfah I'm so sorry. Sending you a huge ((hug)). I know it's a faux pas on mumsnet but you flippin need it and one of these Wine or 5.

My ExH was a weak man and walked away from me in the end without a fight. It's hard at the time and knocks your self esteem.

Teaandcakeplease · 02/06/2011 20:42

I'd pop into citizens advice tomorrow and find out what help you're entitled to whilst you find your feet and start looking at your future with DS.

FellatioNelson · 02/06/2011 20:42

mazfah whether he has/hasn't shagged her already isn't really the issue. If they are texting one another hundreds of times each for no reason, and missing one another in the middle of the night then it IS an affair. Sorry. Sad

cazty1 · 02/06/2011 20:45

So sorry Maz, loads of us have been where you are now. At least you know where you stand, the not knowing is worse. Whatever happens over the next few weeks/months, keep your dignity. This will put you in a much stronger position. Thinking of you x

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 20:57

Chin up and everything.

He isn't the man I thought he was. Best to get out now rather than giving up my best years for him.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 02/06/2011 21:39

I'm so sorry. What a spineless idiot he is.

You will be better off without a drain like him. In time you will see that.

sugartongue · 02/06/2011 21:41

change the locks!

Flippingebay · 02/06/2011 21:47

So sorry to hear it... But remember it was his doing and NOT yours, he's in the wrong regardless of what's been going on between the two of you, there's no excuse for an affair, emotional or physical.

Chin up, retain your dignity, you will get through this and remember the example you're setting for your kids...

ScrotalPantomime · 02/06/2011 21:48

Better off without him - it'll take time, but it's a new start for you and DS x

Original poster
mazfah · 02/06/2011 22:05

I hate him.

I hate the way he's thrown away the chance to fix it because he can't be bothered.

He said he doesn't feel like a family but that's because he's never here. He goes away at weekends. How can we be a family if he fucks off at every opportunity?

I wanted to save it, and although he probably isn't my ideal partner I thought that it was worth a shot.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 02/06/2011 22:07

He'll get a fright when he realises what the reality is. He sounds like a real chump.

And you'll be long moved on when he does realise exactly what he's lost.

Wisedupwoman · 02/06/2011 22:23

No one texts people that much do they?

I winced when I read that sentence OP. Yes they do. your H does, my STBXH did, and he was shagging her all the time I told myself he couldn't possibly because of this or that reason.

I may sound naive but he's so shy when it comes to sex that he couldn't/wouldn't unless he was in love and in a relationship.

I said exactly those words too. I discovered after I kicked mine out that when I thought he was at his parents, or at work, or wherever, he was with the OW - shagging.

Whatever is or is not happening between your H and the OW, he has opened the door for another woman to come between you. He has given himself permission to do this despite his shyness. Secrecy is an amazing aphrodisiac OP. Sorry, this is the last thing you want to hear now.

Get some legal advice on where you stand if if your worst fears are confirmed. At the least you can demand he and this woman cease absolutely all contact - and don't accept any accusations of paranoia or unreasonableness. Buy Shirley Glass's book 'Not Just Friends' and it will open your eyes. In fact I'd suggest you do that before you consult a solicitor.

midwife99 · 02/06/2011 22:37

So sorry but you will survive & be better once the dust settles. You deserve better & will get it. Get a free interview with a family lawyer ASAP. You'll be surprised how ok you will be financially. He can't run away from that bit!!! Thinking of you. X

OnlyWantsOne · 02/06/2011 22:45

:( here f you want to talk just PM me xx

JaceyBee · 02/06/2011 22:47

So sorry to hear that maz, I'm sure you will be ok though. I have a feeling maybe you are a few weeks/months down the road from where I am now. At least he's had the decency not to string you along lying to you for ages. Now you and ds can look to a better future without that pathetic twat.

And you can be a student and a single mum. Apply for a parents learning allowance, if the tories haven't scrapped it. Most universitys have subsidised nurseries for staff/students. Not saying it will be a walk in the park but definitely not impossible.x

LadyLapsang · 02/06/2011 23:06

Hope things work out for you and your son - I'm sure they will. Be smart, get to your GP or STI clinic and get checked out - better to be safe than sorry whatever he says (only a minority of men leave without somewhere and someone to go to). Good luck.