Just need to write this down

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

Hi Timeto. I am so glad to hear he has left! Well done for staying strong. You must be so proud of yourself.

Can I just echo the others and say please get the locks change, bolt your windows and contact the DV team at the police? You can't trust him at all. And make your claim for housing benefit so he's not paying the rent. You need to be completely free and independent of him.

I'm sure you know that absolutely none of those awful awful things he says are true, but I just wanted to write it down so you can see it. None of the abuse was your fault. You did not 'wind him up', he wound himself up.

midwife That's a horrifying statistic.

Yay! Go Girl!
At last now you can start to get your life straight in the comfort of your own home. As the others said be on guard, snakes have a nasty habbit of striking when you least expect it. Keep us posted on your progress. We are here to support you and happy to do it. xx

Oh what a relief all round! Well done for sticking to your guns. Your first big leap in to a much happier life I'm sure.

I won't repeat the excellent advice above but just say that it takes a while to 'come down' from all the stress and tension. When you think you have relaxed, you'll look back and realise there was a lot more relaxing to still do. It takes a long time. So be gentle with yourself and keep your expectations of yourself small and kind for a good few weeks.

Could you still go to your aunt's and get a break for a bit?

Well done time to, lets hope los of good luck is coming your way now.

great job!

well done you

Crikey, this is one of the most shocking posts I have ever read. Puts my own problems right into perspective.

Approach your Local Authority, ask to speak to the Family Support and Child Protection Social Work team and explain your problems. Yours is clearly an emergency. They will signpost you to suitable refuges whilst you get legal advice and CAB is right place to start.

Good luck. You are doing the right thing. You must leave to protect yourself and your children. The children need you alive, not dead or seriously injured.

And another thing - if you fear what he'll do when you actually move out, then get the local police to escort you, I mean it. They will show up to prevent a breach of the peace.

Hope you are ok & things still going to plan. Let us know how you are...

wow - I'm totally with Fulhamup, puts my stuff into perspective. Best of luck, OP; I wish you so much happiness in your future.

How are things now?

Are you ok mate?

You're still in my thoughts OP. Hope you're ok.

I'm thinking of you too. x

I was in an abusive relationship and I know how terribly difficult it can be to leave. The longer you leave it, the worse it gets. However, I believe that every woman has her time - the time that it right for her to "flight", when she knows that it is the enough, she cannot take anymore and leaving with nothing, except her kids, is the only choice. You may not know where u r going or how u r going to survive but u have to leave. It it also about how strong u feel and how safe it is. I waited toooo long but it was the time that was right for me. I hope u r have the opprtunity to leave very soon. Sometimes u just have to take a leap of faith!

Timeto, you OK?