Just need to write this down

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

timeto as melted said you about benefits it is 2 weeks but money is backdated to date of claim. Also during this time you can apply for a crisis loan and maybe a community care grant as you need money to flee violence. TheCAB can help with this. You could start looking online in for flats in areas you would like to live and see if they allow dss. Also try housing associations in places you would like to live. Definitely try womans aid as they can provide help to find accomodation.

Things to ask CAB: help with benefits, apply for loan/grant to get away, also see if they can help with womans aid. It is a totally confidential service so no reason you can't explain why your leaving in fact it will probably help get things done quickly. Especially as you may need advice where to claim from due to not wanting husband to see any mail. Could you do this from someone elses address or ask CAB if. There are alternatives.

Sorry didn't mean to go.

angry completely understand where your coming from I was also a child in a domestic violence house were dad didn't just hit mum but us too. Think this is why timeto's post struck a chord, felt good to see someone stand up to this sort of person.

Go to a refuge - then housing etc can be sorted out later. Women's Aid will be better than CAB who give general advice to everyone. WA specialise in DV & act quickly.

Timetochange
You are doing good girl. I want you to know that there is life after abuse. My ex was unpredictably violent. So much so that I woke in the night to a beating on one occasion. The end came after a particularly bad attack when I lay in bed mentally examining my body, trying to find an area that didn't hurt. I wasn't sure that I would wake up in the morning but promised myself that if I did, I would do something about it. Like you, I felt it better to plan my exit so I went to the doctor and had all of my injuries recorded and got a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor. I then told my ex what I had done and that our home was going on the market. He could to stay while it was being sold but if he so much as laid a finger on me I would have him arrested and put away and slap a restraining order on him. Luckily, he was not a stupid man and we had no children so it was a lot easier.
It took many years for me to rebuild the self worth that he systematically destroyed and I did eventually find a man who has been everything that a good husband sould be and who has enriched my life for 24 years. You have that to look forward to. Be strong, be thorough with your planning and when you walk out of that door never look back. Good luck and keep us posted. x

Well done timeto - yes, it is time to.

They wear you down so you think you couldn't do a thing without them - once you're away from them the change is miraculous, you come alive. It only takes a week or two of being away from the abuse for a noticeable change. I was strong, independent etc before I met him but was a blob by the time I left - could hardly recognise myself (inside and out). You'll get yourself back! It is absolutely the right thing to do for your children - to stay is unbelievably damaging for them.

Many of the women in the WA support group I went to for a few years had left their abusive partners with what they were wearing and nothing else. Refuges etc sort you out. I know you need time to get your head around it but we are all worried that he is dangerous and may have sensed the change in you - also the cancelled bill payments - will he receive notification that they have been cancelled?

Please keep in touch with WA, who can sort you out promptly - you don't have to wait! I am concerned that he could find out your aunt's address by contacting one of your relatives - I would suggest a refuge as you will not only receive first class support and advice, but will also meet other women in exactly the same situation - in my experience, this was one of the most healing and affirming elements of recovering from the abuse ie meeting other women in the same position.

Very sorry for long post! Keep going, you will wonder why you took so long when you're 'out'. I left when the Beirut hostages came out - if they could get free, so could I xx

if you go to a refuge they will sort all your benifits for you, and make sure you get things like cots and buggies.
Take what you have and go. Go now while you can, while you have the engery and while he still knows so little.
Im in the south and am a safe person that loads of people know, and happy to give you my buggy, and have loads fo girls clothes here Im happy to send.

Clothes and buggys can be replaced, documents can be reapplied for, but you cant, and you need to be safe. DV can so quickly get out of hand and you just dont know how far he will go next time. PLease please please just go tomorrow

Lisad123 & many more of us have said the same. Go straight to WA & leave today. Before he finds out ANYTHING! documents & stuff can be replaced but your life can't.

Are you ok?

How did things go today timeto?

Just checking in with you - how are things today?

how are you?

Check in honey, I have been thinking about you. Let us know you are ok. X

Front page news on this week's local paper, woman killed by her violent partner. She had 2 young children too. Worried about you .......

Support for you here, all you guys , male or female who are in, or have been in abusive relationship.
Been through hell and back myself, so know what you are going through.

Hi Timeto, how are you? Just checking in to say hi/offer some support

Goodness midwife what paper? That's frightening. Please check in so we know your ok op

Thinking of you Timetochange....my mother was in a DV relationship for 25 years and I wished she had found the strength to leave much earlier. Hope you are ok and making some progress with your plans.

Please let us know you are ok?

Malvern Gazette. Little sleepy town - it happens somewhere in UK every day :-(

Hi Timetochange. Hope you're doing well and feeling strong.

Going straight to a women's aid refuge really is the best idea, as they'll give you a place to live and support while you sort out benefits and a permanent place to live. Ring 0808 2000 247

If for whatever reason you can't or choose not to go to a refuge, below is some info about benefits etc that you might find useful...

As you'll be lone parent, you'll be entitled to Income Support and Housing Benefit. Income Support is paid by the government through your local JobCentre. You can apply by going to the job centre in person and filling in a form, or phoning 0800 055 6688, or online.

With benefits, it can take up to 3 weeks for the money to come through. But you can apply for a 'crisis loan' the moment you put your form in or make a claim over the phone. The job centre or CAB will give you the phone number for the crisis loan. You can ask for several hundred pounds, and you repay the loan a few pounds a week out of your benefits. When you ring, you'll be on hold for up to 40 minutes, and will probably get cut off a couple of times. Understandably this is probably to make sure only those who really need the emergency money can be bothered to go through the hassle of getting it. Ring in the morning and you then go to your local jobcentre to collect a giro in the afternoon, which you then take to the post office. Take toys for the kids because you'll be waiting a little while!

Housing Benefit is paid by your local council and you apply for it by going to your council's 'one stop shop' and filling in a form. You can use HB pay a private landlord and have the money paid into your account, and then you pay the landlord. The problem is, you have to have found a place to live and have a lease before you apply for the benefit. Not all landlords will accept people on benefits. I don't know if council's keep a list of DSS friendly landlords.

If you want to get a council house (these days called 'social housing') then you need to ask the council to house you. just ring your local council and ask them how you can get put on the list. Your need will be assessed, and in your situation I'd assume you'd be made an urgent priority. However, it can still take a long time for a property to come up and you won't have much choice in where you live. You could turn up at the council's Housing Dept office, with your children and bags, explain you've fled a DV situation and are homeless. They should then put you in a hostel until a property comes up.

In all this, there are many forms to fill in and long telephone calls to be made. Be prepared for forms to go missing and mistakes to be made. Keep a diary and log every time to phone them, what date you handed forms in etc. Do not trust that it will all be sorted out. Keep ringing and ringing to check your application is making it's way through the system. Never expect information to be accurately passed on between one department and another.

All of this is stressful, confusing and time-consuming, which is why it really would be the best thing to go straight to a refuge the moment you leave. They know all this stuff, can guide you through it, hold your hand and give you a place to live while you start getting yourself back together.

I know lots of people are screaming 'leave him now' and I agree, the sooner you leave the better. However, I understand that you only got your head around leaving just a few days ago and are working up to it. Please don't feel even more scared by some of the more sensationalist posts on here. Please ring Women's Aid and talk to them... 0808 2000 247 freephone number, 24 hours.

Links:
Women's Aid

Income Support

Online benefits calculator. To work out what you'd be entitled to.

Housing Benefit info

Sending you lots of love and support.

Hope you are ok. All thinking about you I'm sure. Good luck & stay safe. X

Timeto
Can I suggest you start a new thread in OTBT?

hope everything is ok timetochangeforgood

Anyone had a reply to their PM? I'd just like to hear she's OK (well, as OK as she can be)

Please be proud of yourself for making this decision, and please, please leave as soon as you can. Do not listen when he tells you he will change, or when he cries and says how sorry he is. Men who beat their wives do not stop, not until they kill them.

The things he says to you are a calculated part of the abuse. He has deliberately set out to make you feel useless and undeserving so that he can continue to abuse you.

Your children will NOT hate you for leaving him. If you stay they will witness abuse and it will become the norm for them. Your daughter will be more likely to accept abusive relationships herself.

Stay strong, you are doing a brave and scary thing, and by doing it you are going to allow your precious children to have the life they deserve.

You are still a precious girl, don't ever forget that.

timeto hope you have left and that's why you haven't been in touch.

Anyone heard anything?