Just need to write this down

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

I understand about the sunniness being cheering - my mum would say that's your angels nudging you to notice that, to remind you that there is hope. Or if you want a less "woo" explanation, it means you're starting to think more positively. :)

I found hiding it really hard as well. I'm glad I didn't tell him though. I think he would have created too much of an atmosphere in the house and it would have been bad for DCs.

BTW, if photos are saved to the memory on your phone, you shouldn't have to back them up. Even if he got the phone cut off somehow, they would still be there. Or if you are worried, you can go to somewhere like Jessops or Boots and use their photo machines to transfer all the photos to a CD or a memory stick. The staff will be able to help if you're not sure how to do it. Just thinking if the laptop thing is holding you up.

OP you are doing so well. you have made teh decision and you are putting teh steps in place, you are doing this. you ARE leaving him. don't be tempted to let him know. he will not let you walk away. you must make sure you have everything in place and i agree with otehrs, if you can, get a police escort for when you are ready to go.

if possible keep posting for support and for the great practical advice and even physical help if anyone can offer it. MN helped me come to my senses and the fantastic people here talked me through the ending of my relationship. they were here for me every step of the way and we are all here for you too. stay strong and keep your goal in mind, to be the best parent your children deserve. good luck.

There will definitely be some netmums in your area who will store your stuff. If not as someone said before, post important documents & momentos to your aunt's address & just go. Clothes etc can be replaced or the police or social services will go into the house & get yours & the children's things afterwards. Call the police, call a taxi to your local women's refuge & GO TODAY. Please. Pretend you're going to the local shop & go. Before you are murdered in front of your children. Sounds dramatic but it happens every day in UK. Wait for him to go jnto the shower & go.

PS please tell which city in North East you are so we can put out a request for help.

Please leave for your sake and the children. Today.

Good luck

OP you are already gone in your mind so you will have the strength to do it Your Dad instilled in you the strength and faith in yourself that mean you will build a safer better future.
If you need any practical help please ask for it, here or in real life.
I would be more than happy to pay for your storage if that would help a little.

OP good luck.

Your children will grow up to be so proud of their Mum.
One day this horrible time will be nothing more than a memory, a wonderful future awaits you - stay strong x

Hi OP. Have worked with a few women who have needed to gain refuge from abusive family members (I manage supported housing services, not refuges though) and just wanted to flag up a couple of practical things. Firstly, does he know either where your Aunt lives or that you would go to her house? Might he assume you've gone to your mothers and cause problems there? If the answer to any of theseis 'yes' then please can I strongly suggest a refuge in the short term.

If you agree to go to a refuge, please prepare for one thing: it will be (at least should be) demanded that you agree to sever all contact. Refuse phone calls, change number, tell no-one of your address etc. WHilst this might sound easy at times like now, the reality of this can often catch previously determined women by surprise and it becomes hard for them to go through with it. Prepare yourself for it mentally - most of us, when faced with the chance of genuine freedom for the first time in so long, would feel a little scared by it. That's fine, but try and see it as excitement rather than fear.

The other advantage of a refuge is that they are used to dealing with the practicalities of what you are doing, and there are so many, so please don't underestimate the importance of this.

Whatever you do, all the best.

Your post has made me cry. You are a strong, brave, wonderful woman and mother. You will pull through. Your children will thank you.

I wish you and your children the very best for your future. As Safron said, print this thread off and keep it.

Practical stuff... Yes, download all your pics. Gather any letters or personal / sentimental items. Passport. Birth certificates. Exam certificates. If you can, get things like this, ie - stuff he won't notice is missing, out the house first and leave it somewhere safe. A friend's house? A relative that lives close by?

Keep posting. You are not alone. You will be OK.

Wow....
I have been very moved by your post - all the very very best to you. From now on that's ALL that you should accept. xxx

I just read all the thread...

Posting important papers to your Aunt's house is a great idea if you have nowhere to hide stuff locally. (Make sure you do it recorded delivery though.)

Cover your tracks. Don't tell him what you're planning.

Keep strong!!

Please, as tempting as it may be to scream at him that you are leaving, given his previous violence, I'd advise you not to say anything.

You have us here now, so come on here and spill if you need to. This is the time you need to work through, to detach and to reason with yourself why you are doing this.

All of us have had those feelings about why did I inflict this parent on my precious DC, it is the most hurtful thing you can think I know, but when this is all done and dusted, you will have your precious babes all to yourself and you will be free to find them the best ever StepDad should you so wish.

There are some great Abuse Support Threads on here at the moment, just post here, or hunt us down. NPD/Abusive Partner recovery, support for those Emotionally Abusive Relationships Lundy Bancroft We'll find you!

You are not alone now love, and we'll get you through this. You are making the right decision, and time will show you how right you are!

((((hugs))))

Thanks again to everyone supporting me on here, it means a lot. I've beendipping in and out Of this thread while I've been trying to sort stuff today and it's given me a real boost.
Sod's law that the CAB was shut (a one off apparently!) but driving licence is in hand. I've also cancelled the standing order set up to pay him money towards the bills for here. I need every Penny I can get!
I've noticed that he doesn't even bother apologising anymore. He just got up this morning as if nothing had happened.
Thanks for allthe kind offers of help. I'd rather not say exactly where I am as he knows I'm on here and even though I've name changed it wouldn't be difficult for him to work out this is me.
DD is at nursery tomorrow so it will be easier for me to go to appointments without her. WA have a drop in tomorrow too so I will be able to go there too.

Good luck & again, if you need any practical help just ask but you already gave my emotional support. I have problems in my marriage but NOTHING compared to what you've been through. Just imagine not being afraid anymore - it'll be GREAT!!! Your kids are tiny - they'll forget v quickly. Keep the determination going. X

You're right not to give away any revealing personal details on here.

Bloody typical that the CAB were shut!! Good luck at the WA drop in tomorrow.

(((hugs)))

You are a hero to your DC's. Stay safe and god bless you all.

You will feel far happier and more positive now you have made the decision to go and are taking practical steps along those lines.
Take care, and stay strong xx

Deepheat the Refuge that I was in didn't demand that I sever all ties with the abuser. Of course no one was allowed to give out the address of the refuge but no restrictions were put on us as to regarding contact.

I did actually question this and was told women go into refuge for different reasons, some want to stay with partners but need respite and always intend to go back. Women's Aid will support any woman who chooses to go back, until the day they are ready to leave for good. They realise that it can take a long time for an abused woman to actually leave.

Sorry for the hijack, just thought I would clear that one up

TimeForMe, that's reassuring to know. The friend I mentioned earlier in the thread is still contemplating whether to take the refuge place she's been offered. At the moment the no contact thing is scaring her a bit with the seriousness of it. Some other things are worrying her about it too. I wish she'd just go though :(

to you Timetochange.

Your OP has had me in tears.

I've recently left an abusive husband and it is the best feeling in the world. Yes it's scary and yes, you'll question yourself for ages about whether you've done the right thing or imagined how bad the abuse was.

But you are doing the right thing, both for you and your DCs and they will grow up understanding that and loveing and respecting you all the more.

Good luck and well done for being so brave

Bertie please tell your friend that she will be able to think much more clearly once she has left. Once she has the space she needs, away from the abuse she can decide on the next step to take. At least in refuge she will be able to relax and get the massive weight from her shoulders.

Your friend will be supported throughout, no matter what she decides to do. She won't be judged at all even if she decides to still have contact or return to him. The support workers don't try to dictate what a woman should do, they are just there if they are needed and give help when it is asked for so she has no need to worry, he mind will still be her own

Evening to all you kind people who have posted on here. Getting things started today has been a really positive thing for me but I've realised that this isn't going to be as easy as I thought.
I'm not wavering but tonight is a real test of strength because he is being 'nice'. He's made dinner, played with the kids and is putting DD to bed. DD has 4 special toys she carries everywhere with her who she has named 'mummy, daddy, DD and DS' which makes my heart ache. :(
Why can't he always be like this?
This is why I needed to write it down. I need to see in black and White the things he has said and done to me. I need to keep reminding myself.
He also asked me how he can stop 'being such a failure'. I just ignored him. I figured it's most likely self pity. It was probably a rhetorical question anyway and might have caused a row if I had responded.
I know I still love him, even though I hate him too so I need to stay strong. If I can get things to a point where I can't turn back then I can make it happen. I need to remember that things aren't always like this.
Tomorrow I will keep reading my OP and this thread and that should spur me on.
Thanks to everyone who has posted practical help, it's much appreciated. And anyone who has posted who has been through this or knows someone who has, it's really helping. I need to hear that it will be ok.

If your photos are on your phone, in the phone memory, or on a memory card you should still be able to access them. Is the account in his name? You should ring the company or get a new SIM card and transfer the number. It's very awkward that he NEVER goes out. How are you planning to move stuff without him noticing?

Having read your post I wish you all the luck in the world but having experience of domestic violence I'd be very wary of the 'slow' move, he could pick up on the change, he could see things going missing, especially if you've cancelled a direct debit? If he notices any of these things he could flip and I'd be tempted to ask you to leave sooner rather than later, anything else can be sorted later!

I know the photos thing seems really silly but I would be devastated if I lost them. I have an iPhone which is in his name so I'm worried he could get the phone blocked and I'd lose everything as it's all stored on the phone.
I think the idea of sending important stuff in the post is a really good one. Have dug out the passports, birth certs, baby books, degree certs etc. All my bank statements are online. We have a lot of stuff in a small house so it should be easy to stash away toys and clothes. The rest I'm not bothered about. (none of it is my stuff anyway!) The only things that will be tricky are the cot and pushchair but if needs be we'll leave without them.
I have a brand new very expensive watch I can sell to get some cash if needs be, which is really the only thing I own!
Am thinking of 'going away' down south which would give me a chance to leave. He doesn't mind when I go on these trips as it gives him freedom for a few days and he knows that the friend I go and stay with is 'nice, sensible and a mum'