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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just need to write this down

191 replies

Timetochangeforgood · 31/05/2011 00:53

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

OP posts:
TheFrogs · 31/05/2011 04:05

Op you are absolutely doing the right thing and need to go through with it.

It's so hard to know what's best for the kids but I can tell you what isnt...living in a household in fear, and that's what will happen if you stay. They are young now and wont remember but if left any longer it will really affect them emotionally and that will stay with them for life.

Please dont change your mind no matter how confusing and tough this is, you and your kids are worth so much more.

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 31/05/2011 07:34

Thanks for all your kind words of support. Today I need to get stuff sorted. My driving licence, the CAB, speak to WA, get my laptop fixed so I can upload all of my children's photos. Find all our passports etc. Then need to think about how and when we are going to leave. He never goes out, not even to work as he 'works' from home so that's going to be the hard bit. Will talk to WA about it. DD came into my bed last night and is still fast asleep and DS is snuggled up on the other side of me. I love waking up cuddling the two of them. :)

OP posts:
lookingfoxy · 31/05/2011 07:47

When you've got all your stuff sorted, then perhaps WA could arrange for the police to show up at a specified time and they could escort you and the kids from the house with your belongings?
It will be completely nerve wracking, but your doing absolutely the right thing, keep that thought of your dad in your head if you start to waiver, good luck.

FabbyChic · 31/05/2011 07:58

What a terrible life you lead, please have the courage to leave, you deserve so much better than what you are going through.

I;m sorry I cannot offer practical advice, but when you are settled get a solicitor to get what you are legally entitled to if you are married.

Loonytoonie · 31/05/2011 08:05

Reading your post has left me cold - your husband is cruel and you are doing absolutely the right thing. I'm in South Wales - can I help? I have a rust bucket of a car, but it's huge and I can get lots in it. Please message me if I can help.

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 08:10

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midwife99 · 31/05/2011 08:10

My xhb was abusive & the police came & took him away & put in the cells for the night. He went before the magistrate in the morning & was banned from returning to the house. He wasn't as violent either - just a few pushes over but alot of verbal abuse & mental cruelty. The police took it VERY seriously however & he was bound over to keep the peace for 6 months. My life wasn't in danger so I didn't need to go into hiding like you. Your situation requires assisted escape which the police will help with. Take photos of any injuries do the police have evidence to prosecute which they will!!! WA can find a refuge if you need or transport to your aunt's. Does she know what's going on?

swallowedAfly · 31/05/2011 08:11

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mammag70 · 31/05/2011 08:22

Its so hard to make that 1st step but once you have done it you will feel alot better. Do it for yourself aswell as your children. Good luck and look forward to your new future.

fuckmepinkandcallmerosie · 31/05/2011 08:46

Actually doing it is easier than the thinking about it.

Stay strong you can do this for you and your children.

And be careful. Cover your tracks.

Loonytoonie · 31/05/2011 09:31

Sorry OP - only now catching up with the whole thread. I can see you're nowhere near South Wales - wish I could help you. The ladies here have give you some other practical advice to be getting on with. Stay strong now and go with your instincts. It's time to start moving now.

ShitBallsNassholes · 31/05/2011 09:35

How will I stop this happening again? You will need time to find yourself, you don't need a man, you will become very strong and realise that you can do this on your own, and enjoy it.

Will anyone ever love me again? Of course they will, it may take you longer to trust someone though.

Will I ever love myself again? That starts the day you walk out, hold your head up high, and say to yourself I can do this, I will be happier, and I am doing this for all the right reasons.

Will I ever be myself again? Yes you will and you will find out things about youself that you thought you would never be able to do on your own. me I'm quite good at changing the oil on my car!! Smile

Am I damaged goods? Of course not, it just takes time to be happy with yourself, don't rush anything enjoy the up's and the down's.

Your daughter, will love you no matter what, as she grows up she will see her mum as a very strong, independent person, who put her childrens needs before her own, no-one can ask more than that, be brave, you are doing the right thing.

Anniegetyourgun · 31/05/2011 09:38

It's actually a dreadful thing that his little girl loves him. Because she will see her father, who she idolises (because little girls do idolise their daddies, it's hard-wired into us), treating her mother like a piece of dirt and will believe that this is what love looks like. One day she too may be the woman cowering with a baby in her arms while a violent man takes out his bad temper on her, not knowing how to get out, believing this is how it has to be. She needs a better example than that. So even if you waver for yourself, for her sake you can't stay.

Loonytoonie · 31/05/2011 10:09

OP, do you attend any Mum and baby/toddler groups? Does your daily routine take you out of the house and meeting others? Anyone there you can trust? Anyone to help (even if it's to shove bin bags into their car)?

caramelwaffle · 31/05/2011 10:11

Good luck with everything.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 31/05/2011 10:21

OP, you are smart and brave and doing absolutely the right thing. Well done on reaching out to the help that is there (CAB, WA, ...). Do keep asking for help to all those who can give it, such as the police, social workers, friends and family, etc.

You can do it.

bejeezus · 31/05/2011 10:24

good luck
can you start taking belongings out of the house- bag by bag? so he wont notice- have you got a friends house you could store stuff in? Then when you and the kids leave, you could leave as if you are just going to the shops or swimming or something?

Glad the poem helped you Smile
wishing you strength

atswimtwolengths · 31/05/2011 10:31

Can you email the photos to yourself?

I agree that the police should be there when you go. Firstly, it's important he knows that what he's done is completely illegal and also because they will warn him off trying to find you. Secondly it doesn't sound as if you have the chance to do this on your own if your husband doesn't actually go anywhere.

atswimtwolengths · 31/05/2011 10:32

Sorry, should have said I wish you the very best of luck - you have to be strong now and I know how hard that can be, but it really will be worth it to be free.

spooktrain · 31/05/2011 10:37

you can save photos to google picasa, if that is any help.

You are doing an awesome thing, stay strong, we are all rooting for you

BrainSurgeon · 31/05/2011 10:45

Good luck OP - it's going to be all good from now on - well done
Let us know how it goes and shout if you need anything
Fingers crossed for you

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 31/05/2011 10:50

The support on here is amazing. There isn't anyone up here who can help me as such so having you all on here is really helping. I'm thinking of renting some storage when my CHild benefit comes in, just for a month, so I can move stuff quietly. I don't have a car so need my licence sorted to hire one when I finally make a proper move
Will check back here later to read thread properly.
Have been listening to some 'strength' music to help get me in the mood. The hardest bit is hiding it from him. I want to tell him that we are going to leave and fuck you but I can't. I hope he is so uninterested in me he won't pick up on the change.

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 31/05/2011 10:52

Oh and it sounds silly but it's sunny outside for thefirst time in ages

OP posts:
MumblingRagDoll · 31/05/2011 11:05

I just want to say that while your children may not have a good Father, they do have a good Mother and that is worth a million crap Dad's.

What you are doing will save them. They are small enough to save. I hope you feel that you have some friends on here who will be right beside you in their thoughts and well wishes.

People will be rooting for you and wanting to know how you're getting on....all the luck in the world.xxx

ScaredOfCows · 31/05/2011 11:10

If there is no-one nearby that you could ask to store some stuff for you, could you parcel up smaller things - passports, bank stuff, birth and marriage certificates etc - and post them to your aunt?

I'm sure there are MNers in your area who would be pleased to help you get away, if you needed physical help from someone locally.