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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just need to write this down

191 replies

Timetochangeforgood · 31/05/2011 00:53

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

OP posts:
HaughtyChuckle · 01/06/2011 17:21

ring 999 and tell them you need a womens refuge

undermyskin · 01/06/2011 17:58

You sound like a phenomenal women in a ghastly situation and you are showing enormous bravery. Your children are very, very lucky to have you as their mother.

I am afraid I have no practical advice and I know toys and clothes are not the most important consideration right now, but I wanted you to know that I have been meaning to clear out some (hardly used) toys and children's clothes. I can hold on to them for a while, but once you are gone and feel safe, perhaps I could PM you my address and you could post yours to me so I could send them to you (I have no experience of DV, so I hope this is not a foolish suggestion). I would like you to have them for your DD.

I'm in London if that is ever useful.

Loonytoonie · 01/06/2011 19:29

I second what undermyskin has said. I've no idea what you are going through and can only say that you are most definitely in my thoughts. I'm willing things to go your way. I can post on little girls clothes too - if you need anything like that, I can help that way.

midwife99 · 01/06/2011 22:13

Me too - I have BAGS full of girls clothes aged 18-24 months if that's a size you need - a complete set of clothes, pyjamas, vests etc etc. V happy to send when you have left. Just send me your details when thus is all over.

redflagsahoy · 01/06/2011 22:38

Timetochangeforgood I've read your posts and down through this thread and I just wanted to add that I think you are marvellously brave to take the step to move from this abuse. Its not an environment for you or your beautiful precious children. Wishing you all the best and stay strong x

Portofino · 01/06/2011 22:42

You seem to have got an amazing amount of stuff together in 2 days! Well done.

JsOtherHalf · 01/06/2011 22:42

If anyone is concerned about giving their personal details to someone for a parcel to be delivered, you can send it via collect+ and it will be delivered to one of the shops nearby who are participating in it.

www.collectplus.co.uk/

I've never used the service, but thought it might reassure the OP that she could accept some of the kind offers in the future without giving out her full details.

superjobeespecs · 01/06/2011 22:47

just read this and am in tears well done lady for getting the courage to leave, so many dont and it is just so so sad i wish you and your children every happiness in the world from now on. good luck xx

Portofino · 01/06/2011 22:51

But why are you worryin about your driving licence when he has been so violent? WA or other MNetters would help you if need be.

swallowedAfly · 01/06/2011 23:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 01/06/2011 23:53

Just want to check in so no one worries. Has been a long and tiring day. Will have a proper look at thread tomorrow. Thanks for still being here x

OP posts:
malibustac · 02/06/2011 01:09

timetochange I meant to say I'm in glasgow if your anywhere near I'll help out. Also know of a few charities and stuff that help you set up home. Very proud of you for sticking to your guns.

pickgo · 02/06/2011 01:21

Keep going Timeto, you will have lots of emotional ups and downs but keep your sights firmly fixed on the happy, fun and cosy life you will build for yourself and kids.
Be really careful before you leave not to let on what your doing - I even threw in a few regular comments about thinking of trying counselling to fix things, saying I was going to sign up for a local class etc to reinforce intentions to stay put - just to throw off any whiff of change!
This is the hardest part, from here I promise it only gets better!
PS Our local Refuge is pretty swish and the support is amazing.

TheFrogs · 02/06/2011 02:13

Glad to see you're still on track timeto. Will be checking in on you Smile. My kids are older but I still have/can get hold of toddler stuff if you need it. I also have a cot and a travel cot sitting in storage. Midlands area.

midwife99 · 02/06/2011 07:32

Hope today goes ok. Keep strong!!

piranhamorgana · 02/06/2011 08:28

Been lurking on this thread.You are amazing,Timeto.Your children are very lucky.
I just want to encourage you to think about getting out of there quickly.I realise you are preparing yourself mentally and have lots to sort out,but I am worried about your safety.
He is already noticing changes in you.I really fear he may start to realise what is happening,and then you will be in danger.

I think two weeks is too long to wait.It must be possible to have your driving licence sent somewhere else,even though it is already in the system.I am sure Women's Aid would be able to help sort that out.
Please consider getting them,or someone else to take responsibility for this.
Then get out of there fast.

AngryIThink · 02/06/2011 09:28

I was touched by your situation. On behalf of your children, keep going. I speak as a man in his 50?s who grew up with a violent and unpredictable father.

I wish my mother had left, but she was too scared and there were no refuges in those days that she knew about. Your children will miss their father but to me that is a much smaller price than staying and the likely resulting loss of self esteem and confidence, and the fearfulness which can last a lifetime.

I am still trying to crawl out from the shadow of that childhood and I am sure have had less of a life than I might have had due to living in an atmosphere of violence and uncertainty. There will be problems in leaving but remember that they are likely to be much smaller than those that will come from staying and whatever they are, you will handle them.

butterflybee · 02/06/2011 10:00

I don't have much extra to say but just wanted to acknowledge your strength and let you know another woman is trying to hold you safe in her brain. You can do this and your childrens' lives will be so much better for leaving.

suburbophobe · 02/06/2011 11:01

I also wish you every strength and support to get out, just want to let you know I was in a DV situation and got out, it's tough being a single parent but the peace and relaxation from being out of an abusive relationship was the best gift I could have given myself and my son! (Now a well-balanced teenager).

I'm so touched by all the offers of help! MN is great!

I would certainly hold on to this thread for yourself for future reference and if it is impossible to print out (no printer/husband never out of the house), send the URL to yourself in a email.

Photobucket is also a good online photo site that you can upload your photos on to.

I don't think you should hang around another two weeks, especially if he is suspecting a change going on...and especially since you are starting to change banking things....

Stuff can always be replaced!

All the best!

clappyhands · 02/06/2011 17:01

Hi Timetochange

I just wanted to let you know i have been thinking about you today and hope everything is ok

Can only repeat what others have said - get out and stay out

Take care of yourself and your DC

midwife99 · 02/06/2011 22:38

Let us know you're still alright .......

Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 02/06/2011 22:48

I'm really overwhelmed by everyone's support on here (have had a little cry reading some of the posts too). It's really giving me that extra incentive to do it. I've always thought of myself as being a strong woman, growing up I was independent and confident and I just don't know how I've let myself end up in a relationship like this.

I've tried to leave in the past but have never been strong enough to go through with it as everything just seemed to be too difficult on my own but what I've realised now is I'm practically a single parentanyway but with all the emotional shit and stress of a crap and abusive relationship so that's surely far worse!

Tomorrow is CAB so will see what they say.
Can anyone think of things I should definitely ask them?

Should I tell them about the DV? I already briefed them that I didn't want my partner to know I'd been in touch with them but didn't fully explain why (they probably guessed though!)
Does anyone know how long benefits take to sort out etc? I am completely skint so that is quite important. Also will the CAB have a list of housing benefit friendly landlords or something? Can you choose where you live if you get help from the council? I know some of these questions sound really stupid but I really have no clue!
It's really touching that some of you have shared your personal experience with me on here. I'm so sorry to hear the effects of your father's abuse have been so long lasting angryithink i definitely don't want to do that to my children, not when there is help out there. I wish you all the best in moving on from it.
I know I keep saying it but all the offers of help etc are amazing. I can't believe so many of you are willing to help us out even though you don't know me it means a lot.
If I do need anything I will let you know x

OP posts:
Original poster
Timetochangeforgood · 02/06/2011 22:49

Sorry that's a long and difficult to read post!

OP posts:
Pykel · 02/06/2011 23:12

Keep strong timetochange I hope the posts are helping

Of course you dOnt realise how you fell in to this mess that's how abusers get away with this crap. However you have finally realised what is going on and are doing something to change that. We are here whenever you need us keep us posted

meltedchocolate · 02/06/2011 23:17

benefits take usually two weeks but they may be able to give you some emergency money, you will have to ask job centre. They can also advise on everything you will be entitled to. My local housing (though I am not on it I have been told by a few friends who are) allow you to list in order where you would wish to go and you are given one of these places when they become available but there should also be some emergency housing somewhere. Though like others have said, you should find a woman's refuge nearby.