Just need to write this down

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

well done.

Really.

it takes enormous guts to do what you are doing

Join freecycle - people regularly get rid of cots and pushchairs as their children grow. The idea of freecycle is that things are put on there instead of in landfill. You could get a "for now" pram and cot, at least. Or keep an eye on the local (to where you're going) newspaper. I got DS's cot for a tenner out of my local paper when I left

you're absolutely doing the right thing OP both to protect you and your children. you don't need to prove abuse to go to refuge and i think you should either go there or to your aunt's as soon as possible. you're not depriving your children of a good father, you're protecting them from abuse.

Stay strong, good luck.

Great idea! Plan a "trip" ASAP! As soon as you have a place in a refuge. Your aunt's sounds good but in a refuge you will get professional support for you & the children which you'll need. They have cots, they have pushchairs etc. They will make sure you have everything you need. Thinking of you. When I was with my abusive ex I was so unwell. Within weeks of getting rid of him I was full of energy, excited about the future & slept better than I had for years. Material stuff is easily replaced. Your life isn't. Be strong, don't let him trick you into thinking he's changed. Xxx

my ex became very lovey when I'd decided I was leaving, trying just to hug me, saying nice things, saying he needed me. And when he realised we'd gone he phoned me about 70 times in a night, desperate for me to come back. but fortunately I had ppl to be strong for me who wouldn't let me go back and we did escape him. On the occasions when I have seen him outside a courtroom since, he has physically abused me. They don't change, the niceness is just a change of tack to make you stay. He is not a nice person, everything - right down to the fact he never leaves the house, is calculated to control you because he doesn't exist as a person outside his control of you. please don't lose your resolve and get out soon. You can be yourself again!

You're not wrong, sugartongue!
No sooner had he been 'nice' did he show his true colours again. He is 'depressed' and 'suicidal'

31 may 2011

So he's suicidal now. Why share this with me? Should I feel sorry for him?
I don't. I begin to.
Then he starts, again. On me.

I am a bad person.

He doesn't expect 'someone like me' to be able to temper myself even when he's just told me how he feels.

I ask him if this is just another excuse to have pop at me.
'it's all about you' he sneers.

I'm selfish.
Self absorbed.
The most despicable person he's ever met.

He hopes that when he dies his family fuck me up and give me hell. He will leave them a note so he says.
'It's unfortunate that you're talking about your children's mother like that.' 'i should have wasted it on the bedsheets' he says.

'That's a nasty way of talking about your children.'

'i wish they didn't have me as a father.'
So do I.

What the fuck is he playing at? I haven't told him we're leaving. He really has no idea. He thinks I am too weak to leave. Why won't he leave if he hates me so much? What if he really is suicidal? How would I explain it to my kids? Why is he behaving like this? It's like he knows!

I am angry at him doing this to me when I'm trying to sort myself out. It's confusing me. I know with absolute certainty that I need to leave but I now know I will feel guilty about it too.

Your decision to leave has made you stronger and he can probably feel it, even if he doesn't know the reason. Don't feel guilty, just get yourself and the children out - living in a house with a father who treats their mother like that will ultimately damage them if you don't get out. Your children are more important than this man so don't feel guilty, just get out.

With time you will come to realise that none of it was your fault, but you have to be out of there to get some perspective. good luck

He will sense the change in you. You are showing strength on here so even if you don't realise it you will be showing some strength at home. He, in his determination to keep you where he needs you will have picked up on this. Do not let it deter you.

He doesn't hate you, he hates himself and that is why he treats you this way. You are not weak, he is. If he is suicidal it is not your problem, he is not your responsibility. You are. And your children.

Please don't feel guilty about leaving. You are more than justified in doing so. You deserve so much better than the life you have now. He won't ever feel guilty about the way he treats you, your guilt is wasted on him. Use all of your energy to leave him.

Sweetheart, my heart goes out to you, I wish you all the luck in the world getting away from this man. You have such a wonderful life waiting for you x

You don't need to worry about lack of money in regard to somewhere to stay if getting to your Aunts becomes too difficult, copied this from Women's Aid website for you:

Emergency accommodation

You are considered homeless if you are unable to stay in your home because of a risk of violence or abuse. Your local authority (council) housing department has a legal duty to provide you with advice about finding somewhere to live if you are homeless because of domestic violence - and they should also provide temporary accommodation for you. They may also eventually provide permanent accommodation (see below, Obtaining permanent accommodation).

You can apply for emergency or temporary accommodation while you decide what to do next; leaving home temporarily will not affect your right to return, or your tenancy rights or ownership of the home. You have the same rights to emergency accommodation whether you rent your home from the council, from a private landlord or a housing association, or if you own your own home.

The council may offer you an appointment to explore your options first. This should be in addition to, and not instead of, an interview to make a homelessness application. You should not be pressured to stay in your own home, or to find alternative private rented accommodation, if you are at all concerned for your safety.

Emergency accommodation will usually be in bed and breakfast accommodation - though only for a limited period if you have children - or a hostel or a refuge. To apply for emergency accommodation, you should go to your local council housing department. For support with this, contact your local Women's Aid organisation or other domestic violence service, or telephone the Freephone 24 Hour National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247, run in partnership between Women's Aid and Refuge.

NB:

Emergency accomodation can also be provided out of area in the case of DV victims. They also have a duty of care to your children and can help you apply for benefits and give you money towards or provide key items. Once you are out and safe if there is anything you have forgotten you can get the Police to accompany you to the house to retrieve any items if there is a possible threat of violence. You can literally walk in to the council housing reception and see someone from the homelessness assessment team and be given emergency housing on the same day. The council gets government funding to assist victims of DV.

Good Luck, will be thinking of you

Was thinking op if you didn't want to say were you are we could say where we are and you could pm the mumsnetter for some practical help? One thing I have found on here is that everyone wants to help.

You sound like you do know what your doing but a helping hand wouldn't go amiss.

You are doing brilliantly. Could you pretent to drop your phone and go to a phone shop to get them to look at it (ie get them to copy photos off?) Or e mail as someone else suggested. Remember to get photos of him too, your children will want to see them when theyre older I imagine.
Make a move quickly. Imagine theres is a fire, look around each room with a critical eye - what do you really need? What would you grab with only a 5 minute warning? If youre worried about him missing a larger item could you pretend youre e-baying it?
What do you normally do/say when you leave the house? Take note and copy that exactly when you walk out for good. Dont hesitate or look back. Get a taxi to wait around the corner. Turn your phone on silent in case the cab company send a text to say theyre waiting (fairly standard practice now) as you dont want him to hear a text then hear you say youre going out.
Im in North Cotswolds if its any help. Also in the sticks a bit

No further advice to give, or help that I can offer, but I want you to know - really know in your bones - that you are an extraordinary woman. Bloody but unbowed. Even the sort of punishment he has dished out to you regularly, for how long?, has not stopped your spirit, has not affected your integrity, has not has not killed your hope. Your love for your children is intact. Your courage is undoubted and your strength is in evidence with every word you write.

You are still the person you always were. You are not the abject person he wants you to be.

You deserve the best, nothing less will do. You will get it. Believe in yourself.

There are some posters in front of whom I can only stand in awe. You are one of them.

your first post made me cry, it was beautiful and emotional, do it for your kids. they dont want to be thinkin this is riht, and their mum accepted this.

Leave today. He is sensing a change & will start lashing out again. PLEASE!!! We are all here to support you. X

I agree with the others, try not to make the move 'slow', you really can sort out logistics retrospectively.

You are being incredibly brave and strong, and you write beautifully btw, you have a gift. Good luck, and be careful.

Also, agree don't post any personal details here.

Jux says it perfectly. What does today bring Time?

Time you write beautifully. Everything your h is saying is textbook; ignore and rise above it.

You are standing up to him, be careful. He cannot accept to lose his grip on you and may lash out. Please get yourself and DC to a place of safety.

I took ten years of being treated like this, and one day a switch flipped in me and I decided that was the day. Fortunately for me I asked him to leave and he did, like a dog with its tail between its legs....

Please do not stay while you 'prepare to leave', if he senses a hange it could be very dangerous for you. Please get in touch with your local womens refuge or Womens Aid. With regards to tthe financial side of things, there are emergency loans that you can access until benefits etc start to come through.

Earlier you said you didn't know if this was the right thing to do for your kids. It is. Your kids will think this is normal, that this is how men treat women and how women are treated by men. That will be deep rooted in them. Then one day they will realise that not all men treat women this way and not all children have to witness abuse. Then it could have a really detrimental effect on your relationship.

Be strong and make this happen, you and your kids deserve so much better!!!!

Keep strong! We are all so proud of you... You can do this!

Hi everyone. Got up early (4.30am - thanks DD!) dropped DD at nursery and went to CAB. Apparently you have to have an initial consultation and then they give you a 'proper' appointment so I have to go back on Friday as they are closed tomorrow!
Had to get him to sign my driving licence photo (!) as I haven'tknown anyone else long enough up here.

Have come back with his favourite lunch today so he is full of backhanded compliments ('ooh what's up with you today?' etc etc) am going to keep a low profile. Driving licence takes two weeks to come back so am aiming to leave then.
It feels really weird doing this especially when he is being 'nice' but it's funny how I can see through it all now. After last night's revelations I feel a bit sorry for him. I see him as weak, which he would hate.
Am going to try and convince him to go out this weekend (he did last weekend and enjoyed himself) so I can use the time to pack stuff into the suitcases. Luckily we have storage issues so if he finds it I'll jut say I was trying to be tidy and make best use of the space.
I know someof you think I should just up and go but I can't I really do need to be mentally and practically prepared for it otherwise it will be easier for me to be tempted back. That's not to say I don't appreciate your input - I do - I just need to make sure I am committed to leaving and that I make it as easy for myself as possible.

Your doing great op. What a nightmare regarding the CAB, surely they could have done some things. Any joy with WA? You have to do things your way and you seem very aware of his behaviour patterns which I think will help you along the way till you leave. Hope you manage to get him out at the weekend.

CAB just called me on my phone while I was in the shower and he answered! Thankfully they were briefed and said they were surestart outreach team (he thinks I've been trying to find out about baby/toddler things from them) which is sort of true, I guess!
Phew!

See how dangerous this could get? Make sure you delete your history on your iPhone google search & safari as well as call history. Take your phone into toilet & bathroom. Never leave it lying around. Keep it on your person so that if he hits you you can call 999.