Just need to write this down

[Timetochangeforgood]

I've been a bit of a lurker on here (been on MN for a while though) and I've started to learn about abusive relationships on here.
Mine is definitely abusive.
Today has been the last straw and I know I have to leave. I'm scared. I have been keeping a diary and just wanted to put today's out there.

30 may 2011

Despite the fact that he has tried to strangle me on more than one occasion, once to me almost blacking out in front of my daughter, i still couldn't bring myself to leave.

He loves me.
This will be the last time.
He will change.
He's only like this because of his background.
Is it my fault?

Do I deserve this?
Will my children hate me for leaving?
Will I cope on my own? I sound pathetic.

Today is the day. Not the day he blacked my eyes. Not the day he throttled me. Not the day he deliberately poked me in the eye as hard as he could, so I could not see for a few minutes and my eye went red for days. Not the day he pushed me to the floor, pregnant, then kicked me repeatedly as I lay there sobbing with my daughter in my arms. Not then.

Today.

It's funny how there has been no violence today but the rudeness and nastiness has been enough to push me over the edge. I can't take any more or I will crack up.

I know I have to leave. The thought of it fills me with fear. Mostly the fear of doing the wrong thing for my children.

My son is only 3 months old so he doesn't really know his dad. I don't know if that will be a good or bad thing. Will he resent me for never having a father as he grew up or will he find it easier because he has never known him?

My daughter will miss her father. She is two. She loves him. Will breaking up their relationship harm her? Will she resent me? Will he poison her mind against me?
All these things run through my head. I don't have the answers.
All this and I've not even considered the practical implications.
Can I cope? Can I afford it? What about my job/house etc
Where will I live? How will I work?
I've not got a penny to my name. How will i stop him hurting my children? He's not going to be amicable. He doesn't have it in him. He doesn't have it in him to put them and their needs first. He will continue with his selfish ways but he'll also have another agenda: he will try and sabotage our relationships.
How will I stop this happening again? Will anyone ever love me again? Will I ever love myself again? Will I ever be myself again? Am I damaged goods?

Some gems from today:
I have aged
I'm fat
No one will ever want me again
I'll never look good again
He's never been out with anyone as fat as me
I've had 3 months to lose the baby weight but I'm still fat because all I do is stuff my face
I've lost my shape
He will only have sex with me facing away because of how I look
He's embarrassed to be seen with me in public
He's never been interested enough in me to bother getting to know me properly, even though he knew all his exes really well
I'm a follower not a leader so I'll never be successful

I'm so sad for my children that I didn't choose a better man to be their father.
A man that loves, respects and supports their mother.
A man that loves them unconditionally and puts them first.
We will get to see what he is really made of when he becomes a part time daddy. When he doesn't have me around, fearful, trying to hold everything together.

I'm tired. Physically and mentally exhausted. I need to find the strength from somewhere. I need to get out. I need to get my life back.

If my dad was here he would be angry. Angry with him for the way he has treated us. And sad. Sad that this has happened to me. His precious girl. I will never let this happen to my beautiful daughter. I will teach her to know what she is worth and never to lose sight of it. I will also make sure my son respects women. That he treats them as equals and respects them as much as he respects himself.
My children are my life. I love them more than anything.When I look into heir eyes I know I can't stay. I hate him. I've never hated anyone before.

Don't really know why I'm posting. Don't need any advice as I know what to do, I just got to do it now.
Whoever posted the poem by Maya Angelou on the emotional abuse thread. That has been keeping me going, I read it whenever I feel shit, so thanks.

Hi everyone. So sorry for worrying you - DC have both been ill this weekend and I am shattered.
The good news is I don't have to leave as he has decided to go. He has agreed to go and stay at his mum's but continue to pay the rent and bills for here. The tenancy runs out end of September so I have until then to find somewhere and get my benefits etc sorted out. I am sad it has come to this although I'm also relieved. I think he expected me to beg him not to leave like I have before but I didn't. That is a positive change on its own! Not sure what made him decide to go but he did try and blame me saying 'this is what you want' but I ignored him.
Feel sad for my DC - DD will miss him and DS won't have as good a relationship with him as DD so I hope he doesn't favour her because of this :(
Am also sad that he couldn't change for their sakes and didn't value our relationship enough to try either.
A couple of months back he forgot my birthday. I told him I didn't care about presents and we had a 'chat' about things. I told him I was scared of him and all I wanted him to do was stop hitting me. To tell me he would never do it again and I would be safe. He said he couldn't do that as he knew i might 'wind him up' and that I shouldn't get away with that. He spent the whole day sulking in bed. That was a huge turning point for me. He still thought I deserved to be hit because I 'wound him up' and he wasn't able to try andchange and didn't care enough.
I think that's when I detached myself emotionally from him. He isn't theman I fell in love with. He is sad, weak and broken and I don't want to be too.
I feel sad for him too as his dad was abusive to him and his mum and he hates him for it. The last person he wants to be like is his dad but he is. He also didn't want his kids to grow up in a broken home like him but they will and it is all his fault. He knows it deep down.
I feel all mixed up relieved, scared, sad, confused, hopeful. I don't know where I am!

I really appreciate everyone's support on here and will probably still need it over the coming weeks/months etc
Thanks x

Good luck OP.
Please change your locks. ASAP.

Good news, Timetochange, but make sure he does go.

Yes change locks & make sure all doors & windows bolted at night. It might be worth having a chat with domestic abuse team at local police just so they are aware what's happened & that he could get "wound up" again, esp after reality of situation hits him for a change. Can you get his name off the tenancy agreement? Get on housing list now. Well done you've been so brave & strong!

He's leaving tomorrow. He's not exactly going 'nicely'. He's blaming me for the breakdown of the relationship saying it was me who 'chose to be a cunt the whole relationship' and he's trying to 'punish' me by saying he won't see the kids for a month.

He is still trying to make me feel shit mostly by making out that he doesn't care about the kids and telling me I need to 'sort myself out' ie I'm fat, unattractive, unsuccessful etc

He keeps going on about how my dream formy children is ruined and they'd have to grow up in poverty 'by my own hand' and it 'serves me right'.
It just confirms that I was right all along. He is incapable of putting the chdren first. He has always thought I was 'out to get what I could' and that I 'compete' with him. He is wrong on both counts. I just want to be happy and for my children to be happy. I am worried about how he might affect the DC psychologically if he decides to be a selfish twat and have to hope he can grow up a bit.

He then tries to make me feel guilty, talking about how depressed he is etc etc and then resets back to insulting me again.
I'm so confused!

He then said he didn't want me running off at the mouth when he got married again and he would then go for custody etc.
I know from reading other threads that this is par for the course (thank god for mnet!) so I don't feel too worried.

The only thing that does worry me is I don't have good credit. I have a ccj from when I paid off an ex's debts and then lost my job and couldn't pay. We split up and I got lumbered with the debt (I know how to pick 'em don't I?!)

Does anyone know if I will still be able to rent somewhere? Where is a good place to look?

I'm so glad that you are able to stay put. At least then, the only things that he can throw at you are words and I think you have figured out that most of what he says is rubbish. Keep your guard up though. It will be better when you have moved to your own place and he can't make any claim on it. It might be worth going to the council now, before the lease is up on your place and explain what has happened and about the ccj's, they may be able to advise you and since you have been the victim of violence, you could ask to be housed away from him. In any case, you don't want to be living so close. Don't worry about the children, little people are far more resilliant than we think. Never bad mouth him in front of them even though he will about you. They need a strong mother as a role model rather than a bitter weak father. It's your job now to break the chain.
Good luck and keep us posted.

"It might be worth having a chat with domestic abuse team at local police just so they are aware what's happened & that he could get "wound up" again.."

I agree with this - please do OP. I don't want to alarm you but this is the most dangerous time for domestic abuse victims - please be aware of that. Also contact Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 who will change your locks for you, no charge.

In the meantime, don't antagonise him eh? Don't have an argument because it sounds like he is just waiting to have an excuse... . Try the not nice/not nasty approach: calm. Listen to him droning on and try not to reacte.

Hope the kids are better soon. OP, once he goes it is an amazing relief. i remember the sadness too but you have to be hard-minded (if there is such a phrase) in order to get through this. he will try every tactic in the book, don't swallow any hooks, keep in your mind that you will soon be free to breathe, to live your life without being afraid or guilty/ashamed or confused.

Have I mentioned the Freedom Programme? Do try to get on it - one near you! - it really is a trmendous help in clarifying your thoughts xx

Good news timeto please do as the others say. He shouldn't have to pay the rent as you will be able to apply for housing benefit when applying for benefits. I don't want to upset you but by the sounds of him he will do anything to hurt you or cause problems and this could include not payong the rent or giving you money. Did you go to the CAB? They will assist you to get benefits. Also is it safe to stay in the house? Definitely talk to womans aid and the domestic violence teams.

Good luck with everything and relieved you're ok. You've been on my mind especially when I saw Midwife's post. You're not out of the woods yet until he has no hold over you. Maybe a friend could come and stay for a few days or just be staying nearby so you have a bolt hole.

Thanks everyone. Will keep reading this thread when I feel crap!
I spoke to WA who mentioned the freedom programme although you have to wait for a place on it. They said they would accommodate me bringing my DC alongtoo so that is great! They also gave me solicitor details and said hey can help with housing app.
I don't think he would stop paying the rent - he is a twat to me but I know he wouldn't want to jeapordise his children's care as he really does love them. Although I'm sure I'm not the only person to think this and I'm sure some have been proved wrong! The other reason would be he is vey precious about his credit rating so wouldn't do anything that might impact on it. We're joint tenants (he's lead tenant) so is liable until the tenancy runs out.
Nevertheless I'll be sorting out my own finances tomorrow when he's gone.

Sorry everyone if my post about my local paper's front page scared you all but it a woman is murdered somewhere in UK every day by a partner or recent ex. Another woman & child were found shot dead on Sunday morning in Braintree in Essex. OP women's aid & police need to know what's been happening now so they can protect you all the next few months. If he loved & cared about his kids so much he wouldn't have beaten their mother in front of them would he? I can't get the image of him Kicking you on the floor when pregnant holding your little girl out of my mind.
You will be ok money & housing wise. Housing benefit will pay the rent. If he still pays it he will still have control over you & use it, ie "I pay then rent so I have a right to come into the house whenever I want". Don't mention it now before he goes but as soon as he's gone ask WA to change the locks, apply for housing benefit & income support & tell the housing association or landlord he has left & you are the sole tennant. He must have no power over you in any way.

If you need any help please ask.

Has he gone Timeto? Are you okay?
Please please if you are reading this and he has not gone go yourself to the WA Refuge.
As others have said, it is very common for this to be the riskiest time.

Timeto, are you OK?

this is chilling
Timetochange, I hope to God you and your children are ok.
I wouldn't for one second believe him when he says he is going, and what's to stop him from coming back?
I think you should stick with the WA and CAB.
If you have no ties to the area, why not move somewhere else and get away from him
HE WILL NOT CHANGE, EVER.
YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH HIM FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, UNLESS YOU LEAVE FOR GOOD.
Your children deserve better
x

Hi everyone. He is gone. Only to his mum's but he doesn't have a key (we only had one set anyway) and we live in a gated complex so you need a fob to get into thebuilding/car park etc and we have staff on site 24 hours a day too. He got up in the morning as if nothing had happened and said that he didn't think I meant it! I told him I did andi wanted him to go. He started all the guilt crap again about breaking the family, if it's what I want, etc etc but I stood firm. Strangely he just got some things together and went, sort of resigned looking. Felt quite sad and had a cry but cleaned house from top to bottom and threw out old clothes etc - felt quite cathartic! Spent the night in bed with both my babies and was greeted by lots of smiles and cuddles which has made me feel happy today. Lots to sort out now - need to get on top of everything!
Not looking forward to DD realising he's not here :( not sure what I will say to her esp as I don't know when she'll see him.

Well done, I am very pleased for you. You will be a bit up and down now - so be kind to yourself (but stay resolved).

Kids are very adatable, be clear and straight with your DD, lots of cuddles for her if she feels down (it will make you feel better too).

You are going to be just fine.

well thank God for that, he went like a lamb. Phew!

It's not the last you'll hear from him, he'll probably rally when he realises, when it sinks in, but at least he's gone and you're safe - phew again.

Enjoy this blissful time - there is nothing like it

Well done timeto don't want to sound like a broken record but please don't trust him. Have you spoke to the police domestic violence team? Just so they re aware of your situation? They may install a panic button. How's the benefit claim going?

Well done timeto don't want to sound like a broken record but please don't trust him. Have you spoke to the police domestic violence team? Just so they re aware of your situation? They may install a panic button. How's the benefit claim going?

Well done timeto. Agree with the others, though, don't relax your guard. If he wants to meet, you don't need to, but if you do then make sure it's somewhere public.

Don't let him take the kids for a visit to his mum's. He may invent some story and then you'll have trouble getting them back.

timeto I admit that I have no knowledge of DV issues, but I'm fearful for you, even if he has gone. He seemed to meek and I'm guessing once the reality of his situation has sunk in, he'll try and seek revenge. Sorry if this is scaring you, but human nature doesn't change, and once the shock for him has subsided, his personality will return to default and you, and only you, know how cruel he is.

Rally your defences now. Start building your protectio. Do everything the posters have said here and try your very best to have a close friend/relative stay over for a while? DO go to the Polics, other agencies to help since I cannot imagine he'll not try to somehow blacken your name. Even if he doesn't want sole care of his children, I'm betting he'll take them just to spite you.

Your story has chilled me to the core, and I'm willing for him to leave you all alone.

too meek

I agree with all the others. He may have had a spare key made some time ago. Get the police up to speed on events & ask for help. I hope & pray this is the end but he may well seek revenge when reality hits.